The Birds and the Bees
It was a beautiful spring day in Mirkwood. The birds were singing, deer were prancing, and the rabbits were-well let's not get into that. Needless to say, love was in the air. The young prince of Mirkwood, Legolas, was in the best of spirits. He had just arrived home to the palace from a happy day of frolicking.
His father, the infamous King Thranduil, watched with uneasiness as his son returned. He had watched his son grow into a fine young elf and he knew now that it was time. He sighed heavily. He was not looking forward to this.
He remembered the time his own father had given him the "springtime talk" and he shuddered at the memory. And yet he reflected that, in the end, it had brought them closer together. He hoped for the same result with his own son. Thranduil took a deep breath, and adjusting his robes, he strode purposefully from his room to his son's quarters.
He arrived at his door and was about to knock when he hesitated, in thought. He remembered the time they had been out hunting and had come across a couple of spiders in a very compromising situation.
"Father look!" his son had cried. "That one spider is trying to kill the other. It must be a friendly spider." What was he to tell the boy? He couldn't have his son believing that the spiders were anything but their enemies. He had had a hard time explaining that one.
"They are doing their taxes," he had told him, hastily.
"But father, they're-"
"That's enough! We must return home now."
Thranduil shook his head at the stupid way he had handled that one. He did not want to repeat such an awkward situation. He decided that the best way to handle this would be to do it in an honest and frank discussion, answering any questions his son might have in an open and straightforward manner; elf to elf.
Taking another deep breath he called, "Legolas! Legolas are you in there?"
"Yes, father. Come in," was the reply. Thranduil entered the tidy room and seated himself firmly on the desk across from the bed where Legolas laid reading. The King noticed the title and smiled: Great Elves in History. Oh, he had had a lot to do with the making of that one.
"Did you need something, Father?" the boy asked with that wholesome face of his. He was so innocent.
"I am sorry to interrupt your carefree boyish activities, but there is an important issue I've been meaning to discuss with you."
Legolas seemed a bit nervous. "If it's about your goldfish, I swear that fish was dead before I took him out for some fresh air."
"No, no, Legolas. This talk has nothing to do with Livingston-wait a moment. Did you say dead? Has something happened to my fish?"
Legolas gave a panicked look and tried to change the subject. "You wanted to discuss something with me?" The King's demeanor instantly changed. Legolas was surprised to see that it worked. This must be a grave matter indeed.
"As you know, my son, springtime is a very exciting time in which many new things come to pass." Why did his son have to stare at him with that cherub face of his. For a moment he faltered in his resolve. No, he had to continue.
"You may have noticed that during this time elven boys and girls seem to become more-they begin to notice-they pay more attention to-do you understand what I'm saying, Legolas?"
Legolas tilted his head, questioningly. "Exactly what is it that you've said?"
Thranduil got up from where he sat and began to pace about the room. This was harder than he had thought. Remember, frank and honest; frank and honest, he told himself.
"You understand what love is, don't you?"
"Well yes. I love lots of things-trees, horses, archery, silk stockings-"
"But then, who doesn't love those things, Legolas? I was thinking more along the lines of certain persons."
"You mean like I love you?" asked the younger elf.
"Yes, Legolas, that's it. Like you love-" he stopped himself. Perhaps that wouldn't be the best springboard example. Time for a new strategy.
"Legolas, I'm going to tell you a story about the birds and the bees."
"The birds and the bees? I've never heard that one before. Is there a dragon involved?"
"No. But it should hold your attention none the less." Legolas nodded indicating he was ready to listen.
"Once there was a little bird who enjoyed playing with all the other little birds. And he was content in doing so for many years, but as the little bird began to mature he began to feel as though something were missing from his relationships with the other birds. While they were still his friends this bird began to notice the bees. You see, the birds and bees are very similar creatures. They both have wings to fly, they both enjoy the trees and the sunlight, and yet they are very different. And when two creatures of a similar, yet different form, get together, beautiful things happen."
"Like what, Father?"
"They create a certain music together."
"But wouldn't the bee be more likely to sting the bird-I've never seen them playing together. This seems an odd story."
"Yes, I suppose it does. Anyways, the point is that while two beings may be different physically, they can still come together in a most beautiful fashion and be the greatest of friends. So, what do you think?"
Legolas thought for a moment. "I think I would have preferred a story with a dragon." Thranduil frowned. "You are missing the point, my son."
"And what point is that?"
"The point is that you have become of an age in which you may begin to notice other 'bees' as it were."
"I already notice them, father."
"You do?" asked Thranduil somewhat surprised.
"Yes. Just yesterday one stung me on my hand," he said holding the large welt up for his father to see. "And we did not make beautiful music together."
Thranduil put a hand to his head and seemed to grow weak.
"Is something wrong, Father? You've grown pale."
"Let's just begin again, shall we?"
"I'm all ears."
"The world is alive with a certain electricity. There are positive and negative charges. Two positives don't make a negative. To form a true ionic bond, one must bring together a positive and a negative charge. Do you understand now?"
"Yes. I learned all that in Chemistry."
"Chemistry! Very good! Chemistry is the key. Chemistry exists between the elves, too. Two elves can feel an attraction for each other just as any two elements can."
"Not all elements are attracted to each other. There are some that actually repel one another," corrected Legolas.
"That's good, Legolas! I can see you are beginning to understand." Legolas gave him a confused look. It was basic chemistry. It really wasn't all that difficult to grasp.
"Was that all you wanted to talk about?" asked Legolas.
"I realize that I've given you a lot to think about. Perhaps you have some questions you'd like to ask?" urged the King.
"No, not really," replied the prince, although he had no idea what his father was talking about.
"Good, then I'll leave you to your studies. I'm glad we had this talk." Thranduil made to leave, but was stopped by the sound of his son's voice.
"Uh, Father, what talk did we just have?" he asked.
"You know. The 'birds and the bees' talk," came the reply. Legolas raised an eyebrow.
"Oh.I see.Well then I guess that's all there is to say," Legolas concluded feeling very, very confused. Had his father hit his head or something?
"I want you to know that in this exciting time of your life my door is always open. If there's ever anything you want to discuss concerning your relationships with the various 'bees' of Mirkwood, I'm always here. I can't say I have all the answers, but I've been among the 'bees' for a long time and while you may think me somewhat 'uncool' I do know a few thinks about winning a 'bee's' heart."
"Why would I want to win a bee's heart?" Thranduil smiled thinking about how handsome his son had become and what a heartbreaker he would be.
"One cannot dally in the fields forever, as pleasant as it may seem. Surely, you will come across many a beautiful creature, but eventually you will meet one whose honey is so sweet that you will want only that 'bee's' honey and no other. Then you will be married and know a bliss like no other."
"Marry a bee?" asked Legolas in disbelief. Had his father gone batty?
"Yes, marry," his father continued with a dreamy far off look in his eyes. He looked at his son lovingly and placed a firm hand on his shoulder.
"You've become a fine young elf, Legolas. I know you'll make me proud."
"I shall do my best," Legolas replied somewhat awkwardly.
"Just remember, if you have any questions--"
"Your door is always open," finished Legolas.
"Good then. Once again, I'm glad we had this talk as difficult as it was. It's never easy talking about.you know." he lowered his voice and whispered, "sex."
Thranduil nodded once more at his son and left the room feeling great relief and overwhelming joy and satisfaction for his accomplishment.
Legolas's eyes widened as a wave of realization rushed in. And for a long time he just stood there in shock. Had his father just given him a sex-talk?!