One word: What. The. Hell.

I reread this after I wrote chapter 27 and I just omitted a few scenes that were just wrong.

I suppose it's too late to rewrite the whole first three chapters to hide how cringeworthy they are. Well, if you're a new reader, you can skip the first two or three. Like, please. I didn't plan on actually having a plot until chapter 5-ish, and that's why these first ones are more like "a day in the life of-" stories.

Oh, well. Just so you know, this takes place a few months after Sera joins the Inquisition and has buddied up with the Inquisitor. Why not start the story when they first meet? You'll have to find out later ;)

The faint smell of the tavern's mediocre food and drinks is a welcome change from the scent of horses from days on the road with shitty matresses and even shittier heat insulation. Swigging the first taste of alcohol she's had in much too long, Sera carefully eyes Adaar's horns, it's base protruding from the front of her head, arcing back, decorated with clasps of iron before curving upwards into sharp points. "So, this is it, huh?"

Adaar smirks and gestures to the bartender for another drink. "I hope I'm not disappointing you, Sera. It would be a shame if I ruined those fantasies of yours, ones you probably got from reading too many Tal-Vashoth romance novels."

"First, I don't read no shitty romance novels. And disappoint? Nah, I mean..." For a split second, a predatory smile surfaces on the elf's lips. "Woof. You've even got the sharp horns and white hair."

"Yep, you've been reading shitty Tal-Vashoth romance novels." Adaar dismissively waves her hand, creating a tube of ice that drops into Sera's drink. "Noticed you sweating. Thought you'd like some ice."

"Sweet."

"You're a weird elf, you know that?"

Sera laughs and downs the rest of the alcohol in her glass. "You think? Maybe I should walk around barefoot and whine more."

She looks around exaggeratedly like an actress in an Orlesian spy play. "Heh, don't let Solas hear you say that. But really, I knew being big and gray and scarred with big horns would get me a rep in the mercenary business, but this?" Adaar comically gestures towards herself and grins. "This is the first time a girl's been impressed by all this."

Sera giggles and takes a drink. "Hey, I can't help liking tall ladies. Never thought I'd say this about a mage, though."

Adaar scoffs playfully. "You wound me, Sera. Magic's not all about sacrificing slaves and raising dead people to life. I noticed how your face turned white as a sheet during that battle with a mage in the Hinterlands."

"Well, excuse me for being afraid of something I've been told to fear my whole life, yeah?" Sera crosses her arms in mock defiance.
A metaphorical light bulb lights up inside the qunari's head and she stands up and offers Sera her hand. "Come with me then." She beckons, with a glint of trouble in her eyes.

Sera takes the hand that seems giant compared to her's and lets the taller woman help her up. "What, you're going to take me on a romantic stroll where you do impressive magic shit to show me the wonders of magic or something? Who's been reading shitty novels now?"

"Close enough. And the drinks are on me," Adaar says, reaching for a few pieces of gold in her pocket before she sets it by the counter. "Turns out the breeches you stole did make some good money after all."

"So, tell me why we're hiding in a tent and watching-"

"Shhhh," Adaar clasps her hand on Sera's mouth. "Just watch."

Through a slit in one of the soldiers' tents, the two silently watch Cassandra obliterate training dummy after training dummy. The Seeker is breathing harder than she should be. Her strikes don't hit as hard as they usually do. After a few seconds of catching her breath, Cassandra pulls her head back in preparation of what seems like a big, nasty sneeze.

The corners of Adaar's lips turn upwards. "Watch."

And Sera did watch as Cassandra let out a sneeze so fierce that the muscular woman jumps from the force. A rush of flame pushes from her lips and onto the training dummy. Cassandra lets out a surprised noise as the dummy catches before she kicks the dummy down and begins to frantically curse under her breath, rolling the dummy on the snow.

The elf and qunari are both equally grateful for the clamor the soldiers are making while they're practicing, or else their stifled laughs and snorts would have undoubtedly alerted the Seeker of their presence. It took only a few seconds before Cullen rushes towards the Seeker, who's panting above a charred dummy with diminishing embers.

"Cassandra, I smelled smoke! What happened?"

Cassandra turns towards Cullen, hair missed and looking more confused than neither Adaar nor Sera has ever seen. "I...I'm not sure."

"Was that dummy on-"

Cassandra's head pulls back again, and it takes every ounce of willpower for Adaar to bite her lips and stay quiet as she prepares for another burst of fire while Sera's using the mage's shoulder to muffle her cackles. Another forceful sneeze rips through and yet another burst of fire rushes from the short haired woman's lips to a spot dangerously close to Cullen's greaves.

"Cassandra, what the f-"

Haven's workers stare incredulously at the pair as they lean on each other for support, laughing so hard that their cheeks are turning red.

"I always thought she was scary, just like a high dragon, but that was-" Sera coughs and laughs some more into Adaar's shoulder.

Adaar wipes a tear from her eyes and takes a deep breath. It takes a few tries for her words to sound coherent. "Save it for later, the show isn't over. See Solas there? Find a place to hide."

"Alright, c'mere, you." Sera pulls the mage behind a stone wall that the qunari finds difficult to hide behind, due to her size. The elf picks up a pebble from the ground and peeks from behind her cover, spying Solas as he sits in his usual spot, reading a thick tome. She throws the pebble somewhere behind the bald mage.

Solas puts his book down and looks around. "Hello?" He asks, turning his head.

"Go go go." Sera grabs Adaar's hand and, with difficulty, pulls the qunari around the stone wall and into a ridiculously small wooden tool shed, all before Solas turns around and get back to his book.

The shed is small and the two are pressed together uncomfortably. Particles of dust swirl thickly, visible only thanks to the ray of light from a gap in the door. Adaar ignores the dust and whatever it is that's pushing uncomfortably against her ass, instead cockily looking down at the girl pressed directly to her chest. "A tool shed? How cliche."

Sera widens her eyes, feigning innocence. "How so, lady Herald?"

Adaar leans down and places her lips right on the elf's pointed ears. It's dark, but she swears she sees the tips of Sera's ears turn red with the lack of proximity between their bodies. "You know exactly what I'm talking about." She playfully whispers.

The elf, unwilling to be beaten so easily, leans into the qunari's ear and whispers back, "You'll have to buy me dinner first."
Adaar opens her mouth to utter a harmless flirt, then she hears the sound of Cassandra's voice. She opens the shed's door slightly for her and Sera to peek outside with a small creak.

"I've heard that the talent for magic can blossom late, but breathing fire is very... unusual, to say the least." Solas mutters, rubbing his chin as he turns around to think.

Cassandra looks at him with almost pleading eyes. "Please, Solas, I-"

Solas turns around, and Cassandra's words are stuck in her throat. Sera is similarly too stunned for words. Solas' shiny bald head is a butt. A shiny, pale, round butt with freckles sprinkled on both it's ass cheeks. Cassandra stares in shock and rubs her eyes and her jaw is dropped like a moronic caveman.

Sera is too startled for words. In fact, she follows Cassandra's lead and rubs her eyes a few times for good measure before she drops into a silent laughter. "Balls, how'd you do that!?"

"Illusion magic is good for many, many things." Adaar says, raising her hands dramatically to emulate a magician who's successfully managed to do a difficult trick. And then it struck her. A tingle in her nose, a speck of dust in her nostrils, and the qunari pulls back her head and throws her head forward, massive horns and all, in an epic sneeze that seemed to shake the shed.

Sera and Adaar look at each other silently. A few seconds pass before the archer manages the courage to talk. "You don't think she heard you, right?"

They found the answer instantly when the shed door opens and they're met with a sharp pair of eyes and a sharper pair of cheekbones. "What are you doing here?"

"Shit."