Chapter 1

Deans rough hands from years of hard fighting practice reached out to stroke Cas's cheek, Cas leant into the touch, smiling softly he closed his eyes, anticipating what was to come next, what he had waited so long to have. Only to have it whisked away with the sound of a door opening.

"Good morning sunshine!"

"Fuck off Gabriel."

"You wound me with your words brother." Gabriel said pouting.

Castiel buried his head in the pillow trying to block out his brothers cheery disposition.

"C'mon Cassie, today is the day, up! and at em!" He said pulling the covers off.

"No" Cas said fighting with Gabriel, to try, unsuccessfully to pull his covers back over his head, to block out the light scorching his retinas.

Cas got the blanket back with a fierce will, and rolled over on his side ignoring his brother with a determined stubbornness. Gabriel let the blankets go with a sigh as he sat on the side of the bed.

"Brother, no more, enough of this. You're wasting away in here. It's no good for such a young lad to be hidden away inside the house all the time, you need to be out and about on the town, chasing tail, drinking deep, and having fun."

"No"

"No's not going to work this time Cassie boy, you've made a big promise; break it and it would most certainly be treason."

Cas shot Gabriel the most foulest look he could conjure.

"You have five minutes before I personally drag your ass out of bed myself."

"You're such a dick." Said Cas getting out of bed and slamming the bathroom door.

The horse ride over was not high on Gabriel's list of fun times, Castiel was ignoring him with a determination which could only be inherited from their father.

Gabe stared him down with disapproval, "All you need to do is keep your shit together for a few hours, after everything I've done for you, you owe me that much."

"I get it Gabe." Cas snapped, "I'll be the perfect gentleman. I will hide your disappointment of a brother behind politeness and fake smiles."

Gabriel shook his head at Cas biting back a witty retort as he yelled at the coachman to urge the horse on.

"I'll be on my best behaviour." Castiel said avoiding eye contact and staring out into the darkening night.

It was a much easier to promise to be sociable in words, but a lot harder to put in practice. Shrinking behind his brother Castiel could feel the judgmental stares boring into him, the faint whispers beyond his earshot, striking at his shattered soul, the disgraced knight they called him, and rightly so.

"Bastards," He darkly thought shooting out a few death glares "every single fucking one of them." The promise he made so many months ago obliged him enough to stop from running out of the hall, to make a hasty retreat back to safety.

"Cassie." Called out a familiar voice, drawing him from his thoughtful brooding. "You actually made it. How long has it been? Far too long to be decent. It's been donkeys years since I saw you last, I was sure you wouldn't come considering, you know, uhm."

"My disgraced banishment where I was thrown from the castle."

"uh yeah. But Hey, its not all bad though if you're here partying it up, have to hand it to that that bastard you call a brother, you actually came despite everything. Here, give Gabriel this from me." He said slipping Cas a few coins "That sure shows me not to underestimate your brothers ability to guilt trip even his closest family for a bet, keep at it Cassie, keep flogging that dead horse till it get it gets back on its feet, that's what I say."

"uh sure."

"Cheer up lad, it ain't all bad, join me, there's an open bar." said Balthazar motioning to the corner. "Interested? We all know how you love the old goblet of drink"

Castiel shook his head no "maybe later Balthazar." or rather no way in hell.

Castiel walked away from the persistent Balthazar and wearily dropping down into a chair, hiding in the recesses of a dingy corner. The hardest part of it all was pretending he was doing fine: the half hearted interest, the fake smiles, the aching hole in his chest where his lover used to be, the energy it took from his wall of resistance to quell the churning sea imbedded in his heart. He wanted nothing more than to simply cry out, to beat his fists bloody, yell till his throat was raw, tear his heart to pieces, and embed them upon the needles forged from his pain. He was so tired. So sick of being broken. A simple wish, all he wanted, to contain his shattered soul, hide the broken pieces away, just so they could no longer cut him. Some days it took his everything to simply hear the stories of their happy lives without cringing, crying for what could have been. Then later came the anger, forged from a desire to gain distance from his thorny pain, the extensive bouts of swearing, the blurred nights of inebriation, the fights, the shameful memories of being dragged home via the night patrol, and the many form of drugs he could get his hands on.

"Cas? Are you felling okay?" asked Gabriel removing the half empty bottle of whisky from the table.

"I'm fine."

"Don't bullshit the king of bullshit Castiel, you're obviously not okay. Let's go, this was a huge mistake."

"I said I'm fine Gabe. Leave it. Its fine, I'm fine, I promised to come, and I'm here. I'm fulfilling my promises like an honourable human being." Gabriel winced "There's no need to have your reputation ruined on my account, to ruin another special gathering."

"Listen, Castiel- oh hey Sam."

"Castiel, Gabriel. How fair you?"

"Great" said Gabe with gritted teeth and a forced smile.

"Congratulations on your wedding Sam, it's a fine wedding feast, tell me where is the lucky bride, I hear tell that she is a great beauty?" Said Cas glad to have the attention off of him.

Sam frowned, sinking into the seat next to Castiel and grabbed the whisky bottle downing it in one go.

"They told me I was going to instantly fall head over heels for the princess, I am meant to love her whole heartedly, but she won't even look at me for heavens sake." he admitted miserably "Don't tell anyone else this, but I think she despises me, I saw nothing but hatred when we danced the traditional wedding dances. I can't think of a worse match; what could I have possibly done that Hymenaeus would curse my marriage so. I have done every possible ritual my father has commanded of me, prayed until my voice was hoarse, and my knees bled. What is left but to only question at my father's decision, if he had truly opened his heart up to the gods, would he had chosen a different bride?" He said taking a swig from the bottle.

"The moment one of your father's decisions make sense will be the day I grow wings and fly away, granting magical wishes that have nasty consequences."

"Amen to that." Said Cas taking the bottle from Sam and downing it.

"Cas." Sam said giving Cas a soul searching look "How are you fairing, really, are you okay?"

"Im fine."

"Cas, come on, I know how much you felt for him, loving someone that much, that, that doesn't go away." He said glancing quickly at Gabe before looking away.

"Sam, you know me, fitting fit warrior; I show no pain; I feel no emotion; I don't get hurt, I'm only here to serve my kingdom, for him to use as he pleases. I'm a strong brave warrior, a pretty fucktoy is the only good I'll ever be to the likes of such high and mighty royalty." Cas grabbed the rest of the whisky and took a swig. "How could one such as I be hurting when I have no heart to mourn with, that a stupid beast like me knows it never meant anything, so why would I not be fine, it was just sex and nothing more."

Cas got up from the table swaying on his feet, slamming the empty bottle on the tabletop before storming off bumping into people as he went.

The table was filled with an awkward silence.

"I worry about him." admitted Sam.

"If only your brother shared the same concerns, then we would all be better off."

"Gabe, you know he had no other choice."

"Everyone has a choice Sam, he just chose the wrong one."

"Gabe, I should have you arrested for saying such things."

"But you won't, will you?" said Gabriel sadly getting up from the table "Congratulations sire, I wish you all the happiness in the world with the beautiful princess Ruby."

Gabriel turned away fighting his way through the crowd, Sam's gaze boring into his very being. He took a tray of shots from a waitress and found a quiet corner far away from Sam to drown his misery in.

"Sam! Sam!" Urgently shouted Gabriel as he stumbled and pushed his way through the crowd.

"Sir Knight! Take hold of yourself."

"Sam"

"What is the meaning of this." Sam commanded, turning away from Ruby.

"Please tell me you've seen Cas." He puffed out, trying to catch his breath.

Sam frowned, "I haven't seen him for hours, not since he stormed off, why? What has happened Gabe?"

"I can not find him anywhere, Damn it! Sam. I shouldn't have let him leave."

"Its okay Gabe, we'll find him."

"No, its your wedding reception, you cant."

"Screw the reception, this is more important."

"You're the prince, you can't just leave."

"Gabe, lets go find Castiel."

"Any idea where he could have gone?"

Gabe sighed, "Not really, no, he doesn't really go anywhere, he's either pining at home, or in the pub, and I've checked there."

"Okay, let's start at your house, check he hasn't come back, then we will go from there."

"Gabe! Sam!" said Cas enthusiastically, "Where you been, you're missing all the fun."

"Thank the gods" said Sam with relief.

Gabe stormed over to Cas with intent and punched him in the jaw, Sam ran over and pulled him off before he could land another one.

"Damn it Cas. You promised me, you said you would stop doing this crap. He's not worth it Cas, he doesn't give a crap about you, it's not worth wrecking your life over someone who doesn't care if you live or die, I'm not going to wake up and find you've done something stupid and gotten yourself killed damn it."

"You think it's that easy you selfish bastard, that there's a magical potion that I can take to turn it all off, to not feel anymore, because if you know of such a thing, please tell me. I would like to stop feeling like this every damn day, I would like to forget the day Dean Winchester ever walked into my life, and everyday afterwards that."

"Castiel, please stop this, its destructive, it's hurting yourself, its hurting Gabe, its hurting the people who love you the most.

"Is that an order sire."

"No, its a request, a plea for your own good."

"Out of everyone, I thought you would understand, but I guess you you're more like your brother than I thought," he said looking from Gabriel to Sam. "Careless with those who would give you their heart."

Sam paled "You know of nothing Castiel."

"Cas, stop this."

"Leave me brother, I don't want your help, I don't need it, leave me and my misery alone. Stand on your own two feet for once, or may I tell the true reason you brought me along tonight, it wasn't because I needed to be sociable, No, it was a distraction, so you do not have to face up to face the fact that you love Sam. That you cant stand even the thought of him marrying Ruby. That you were too pathetic to attend his wedding, so you dragged me along to the reception feast, as some hope that what, Sam would what change his mind and choose you instead."

"Fuck you Castiel, drown in your own misery if that is what you want, see if I care, I'm going, and I'm not returning this time." Said Gabriel storming out, "I can't take this bullshit anymore."

Cas sunk in the chair, a bottle of whisky by his side, the steady burn of crystal methamphetamine deep in his veins.

"Castiel." Said Sam after recovering from the shock, "You can not keep doing this, You can not keep pushing the people away who love you just because you are hurting. I know more than anyone how much of a selfish bastard Dean can be, I cant began to imagine how much hurt you are feeling, but you can not let that ruin your life. If you keep pushing Gabe away one day he'll leave for good and wont some back."

"I just want to be left alone Sam."

"No I'm not going to leave until you agree to stop this destructive behaviour. I'm going to give it to you straight Castiel, It wasn't your fault, stop blaming yourself for whatever you think you did, Dean left because he wanted to marry Lisa, not because of anything you did. You have to face it, Deans not coming back, stop stalling your life in the hope he will, time to move on, he chose Lisa, they have a child, they are happily married, he's never coming back to you."

Castiel took another swig from the whisky bottle before throwing it at the wall "Fuck off Sam, I know it all already, okay, Dean outlined it to me in clear detail the day he broke it off and threw me out of the caastle 'I never meant anything to him.' 'He's choosing Lisa and their child, not me, it will never be me, because a prince must have a princess, a child must have a father, a kingdom must have a king. He never loved me, I was nothing more than an experimental fucktoy.'"

"Cas, I don't know what to say."

"What hurts me the most, after everything, I still love him, may the gods help me. So I drink because it feels better, I get high to forget, so what? It's my life Sam, butt out, and leave me to wrestle with my demons alone. Just fuck off!" He yelled before passing out.

Sam let out an angry breathe and pulled a ratty blanket off the bed and onto Cas. As he grabbed the blanket he knocked the bedside table, something dropped to the floor with a clang, he leant over and picked it up. Angry tears welled in Sam's eyes as he realised what it was, clenching his fist he tried to breath calmly as he dropped to the bed, and took his own wedding ring off, laying it beside the one that he knocked to the ground, both stinking of betrayal and heartbreak, he tried to process the last 24 hours.

After enough time had passed that his breathing evened out and the tears stopped flowing he opened the first draw and placed Castiel's ring inside, slipping his own ring back on. The next time his brother came to visit he would have words with him about Cas, but till them it was time to put on his game face, to visit his new wife.