Lachrymose
A/N: I got this random idea for a one shot for Hellsing while I was working on my stories. It's sad and kind of peaceful at the same time. I expect a good deal of you understand the meaning of the name of this story. If you don't, then look it up. Just type it in and you should immediately get an answer.
The rain came down hard outside the window. A lone individual watched it somberly, hands hidden within the pockets of the flowing red coat he wore. The usual hat and glasses were gone, the latter having been given to her as a final parting gift atop the closed lid before she was ultimately presented to the earth. The ceremony had been small, as few people had ever acknowledged her existence in this world. She'd lived a long life, seventy-seven hard, eventful years, finally succumbing to death's cold embrace in her sleep after a two-year battle with inevitable lung cancer. He'd been by her side during her endless fight, silently supporting her from the shadows where he belonged, watching as they fought in vain to save her. He offered time and time again to save her himself, knowing full well what her answer would always be. She knew what she was doing to him by refusing. But even so, she never gave him any leeway and so, he was left alone.
He glanced beside him at her empty desk. He could still see her shadow seated there, working tirelessly into the night. He remembered the occasional fond conversations they had when the night was growing old and they were completely alone. For sixty-five years, he'd been with her, protecting her when she needed it and teaching her when she asked for it. At first, he'd done so out of sheer responsibility as her seal-bound servant. But over time, he knew that he would gladly have offered his life to her even without that accursed seal. Many's the time he entered her room to watch over while she slept, oblivious to his presence and lost within peaceful dreams of better days when her father lived and she knew nothing of her family's dark, almost literal skeleton in the closet. During those stolen moments with her, he was so often tempted to steal away her life for himself, to forever make her his, to never have to be separated from her as he had been with so many other humans he'd taken to over the centuries. But each time, while he was just barely able to get close enough to graze his fangs across her delicate throat, something pulled him back. It wasn't the seal, it was something else. He found that no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't take her, as much as he wanted to. So close and yet, so far from his grasp. He was always forced away by an unseen sensation whirling about inside him. He believed that it was guilt. He knew that if he accomplished this deed, she'd forever resent him for it. Forever. It was a long time to bear the hatred of one so dear to the heart. So he resigned himself with perpetually asking her to accept the one thing he could offer her, which she never did.
He faced the window again, gazing out at the sheets of rain cascading down to the earth and clattering against the window. No, this wasn't rain, it was hail. There was quite a storm brewing. He wished she could be here to see this. She'd always enjoyed storms. She said that Nature's fury was the one force humanity couldn't win against, no matter what their efforts and she respected this. She often said the queerest things, but now, he found that he cherished these odd sayings the most. She herself had always been quite odd. From a young age, he knew she'd declared she would never marry, that she would follow in Queen Elizabeth's footsteps and become great in her own right. She never gave a reason for this and had taken whatever explanation she might have had with her to the next world. Of course, her declaration didn't prevent members of the opposite sex approaching her multiple times. Every time, though, she would drive them away fiercely. And thus, she remained pure, the last Hellsing member to walk this earth, until the day of her death.
The phone on her desk began to ring suddenly jarring him out of this thoughts. He turned, eying it skeptically. Never before had he answered the phone, or even given it a thought. Up until just a few days ago, there had always been someone to answer it. Now, there was no one. The estate was devoid of all life. He slowly moved to the desk and picked up the receiver on the fifth ring. He offered no greeting, but the person on the other end seemed to recognize his presence.
"Ah, would this by chance be Alucard? This is Sir Irons,"
Alucard's eyes widened. It was the original Sir Irons' descendant. Alucard made no sound of recognition, but he remained on the line. The young Sir Irons cleared his throat.
" I apologize for disturbing you. I understand you probably wish to be left alone at the moment,"
This man was well-informed. He'd clearly been told about Hellsing's dirty little secrets well in advance.
" I won't keep you, Alucard. But I do wish to inform you of a new little development brewing about the Hellsing estate. It seems that some rather unpleasant rumors about it have caused it to remain unsold indefinitely. No bidders have stepped forward to purchase the property with the mansion still standing. Do you understand, Alucard?" he said, somewhat nervously. Again, Alucard made no attempt at an answer. The young Sir Irons continued, "Alucard, I truly am sorry about what happened, but this is rather problematic. The one bidder who offered to buy the estate is a land developer. He wants the estate, but if he buys it, he'll tear down the mansion and build something newer in its place. Because there are no surviving family members, I was informed that you might wish to take up permanent residence within the mansion instead. If you wish to do this, you...well, you must say something now. This man is impatient and he won't hold on for long," The young Sir Irons chattered. Alucard didn't say anything. There was nothing to say. He'd expected this. The Hellsing estate was worth a good deal in the present day. Many people had their eyes on the land. It had been sacred ground for her and her family. But now, she was gone. It meant nothing to him without her. It was just another patch of earth, nothing more.
"Alucard? What is your answer, then?" the young Sir Irons pried anxiously.
Alucard said nothing. The young Sir Irons sighed. " Very well, then, Alucard. I'll inform the man of your answer. I'm afraid you'll have approximately three or four days in which to gather any...uh, personal affects you may wish to take away from there and depart. I trust you'll find somewhere to go to. Um, listen, Alucard, Hellsing wasn't the only vampire hunting organization in existence. All right then, take care, Alucard,"
He hung up. Alucard gently replaced the phone back into its cradle, listening as the slight bell faded into silence. It was settled, then. Hellsing was no more. The building was now nothing but a fading shell of a once glorious family legacy. Soon, the name would be nothing but legend and their greatest achievement will have vanished without a trace come morning.
But for now, he opted to take one last walk through the halls. He left her office without looking back, knowing there was nothing in there he wished to take. Sir Irons' descendant was thoughtful in recommending he take a memento of his life at Hellsing, but he was mistaken. Alucard was a vampire and needless sentimentality was wasted on a being like him. He needed no tangible memories of his human companions. His memories were as vibrant and lively as life itself. He could still remember her flaming blue eyes, those blazing pools of wisdom and spirit acquired from years of fighting and experience.
Thinking about it made him pause in his stride, gazing down at the ground and lost in thought. He felt as though an enormous weight had been placed upon his heart and he was finding it exceedingly difficult to walk. Just what was this feeling?
He made his way down to the sub levels of the mansion, the deep, underground catacombs he'd once called home. It was no longer his home. He would arrange for his coffin to be moved somewhere safe. Perhaps an abandoned graveyard or a mausoleum. It wasn't as secure as the sub levels, but he supposed he'd have to get used to it. He hadn't realized he'd been taking the guaranteed safety for granted until now, now that he no longer had it. Sleeping was a dangerous activity for vampires, as they were most vulnerable during this time. It was how he'd been caught the first time, nearly two hundred years before. But he felt no bitterness toward them for it. In fact, had he not been captured, he never would have gotten the chance to experience life with her. There had always been things she said or did that ignited a dormant passion inside of him, an inspiration to live that he found positively intoxicating. He sighed. Thinking about it made his heart ache.
He passed his apprentice's old room, now just an empty chamber. He didn't bother to summon up the energy to open the door. He'd finally put his finger on that weight on his heart. It was what humans described as depression and it was sapping his energy. He reached out and pushed down the handle, opening the door and stepping inside. His piercing gaze picked out every detail, the dusty coffin and table, the overturned chair and the dresser. His apprentice had lived here for a little over forty years until finally, she ran away from Hellsing on a whim, disappearing, somehow, to the mainland. She'd given no reason or explanation for her swift and sudden departure, but one day, Alucard had suddenly felt that her presence was gone, like a hole had been ripped in his chest. She was just gone. Whether she was alive or dead at this point was anyone's guess. In any event, she was out of his telepathic range and she wasn't coming back. If she ever returned, Hellsing would no longer exist. It had saddened his master immensely to know she was gone, but there had been nothing to do for it.
Alucard left his apprentice's chamber behind, moving on to his own. Inside, he found his familiar old coffin with the same inscription written on the lid:
" The Bird of The Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame,"
He supposed there was some truth to that. He'd willingly surrendered himself after a while, consenting to their wishes and devouring his own wings. Now, he would spend his time, growing new ones and reflecting on his past. He had to. He needed purpose.
The coffin would be moved later. He glanced around at his chamber, the blue flames illuminating the darkness around him. In the center was his chair and side table. He moved over to them, glaring down at the table containing the blood wine and the two crystal glasses. With a quick lash of his arm, he sent all three sailing across the room to smash into pieces against the stone wall, leaving a glistening mess in their wake. The crystal shards glittered in the low light and the wine dripped ominously. He grumbled low to himself and bit his lower lip, drawing blood with his own fang. He calmly wiped it away and silently strode out of the room.
He returned to the first floor of the mansion, the emptiness inside him growing by the second. He was ashamed to admit it, as he made his way up to the third floor where the final room he wished to visit lay in wait. He was ashamed to admit that he'd forgotten what it was like to be all alone in the world. Nearly two hundred years spent in the company of humans taught him how not to be alone, even if during the majority of that time, he was neglected and scorned by his human masters. She and her father were the first to treat him with any amount of respect. But she was the one to actually treat him almost like an equal. She gave him her pure virgin blood through a bite mark inflicted by her own teeth. This way, he was kept in line, but still indulged somewhat. He smiled as he remembered this.
He paused outside her bedroom. This was the last stop. He wanted to remember her scent one last time. He opened the door and moved inside, the familiar scent overwhelming him. He was sure that if he closed his eyes, he'd hear her voice saying his name, as usual, telling him to get out and leave her alone. Once she was older, she became a lighter sleeper and he couldn't watch her sleep anymore. On nights when he'd try, she'd yell at him to leave. He never usually did, of course. More often than not, she'd irritably tolerate his presence and they'd end up talking long into the night.
He slowly moved inside. The room was spotless, just how she liked it. Her bed was neatly made except for that one corner that was still folded back as it had been the last night she ever slept there. Upon her dresser sat her brush and mirror, the same mirror she'd looked in every morning when she woke up since she was girl. Everything about the room suggested that she was only gone temporarily and that she'd be right back to occupy it once more.
He sat down on the edge of her bed, staring at the floor absently. He could still smell her here, sense her presence all around him. It was comforting to him, but at the same time, the weight in his heart grew heavier. He recalled the first night he'd spent outside of that cell. It was three days following the death of her father and he still hadn't quite accepted the fact that a small child was his master. He'd entered her room to probe her thoughts without her knowledge and was fully prepared to end her life if she failed his tests. Instead, he found her awake and sitting by the window in her nightgown, gazing out at the moon. Understandably, she'd been dreadfully startled and leaped to her feet, scowling at him, her pulse visibly pounding at her throat. He'd approached without caution, knowing there wasn't a thing she could do to him if she chose to fight him.
"Why are you still awake?"
Her expression wavered slightly. She was fatigued, but fighting with all her strength not to show it to him.
"I'm not tired," she stated childishly, clenching her fists at her side. He moved closer until he stood directly before her. She raised her eyes to boldly meet his, something he didn't recommend any mortal to do. She did it anyway, showing her defiance and mastery over him.
"You're lying," he said hoarsely. After not speaking for twenty years, his voice was still coming back and occasionally cracked on him. The effects of being locked away remained temporarily.
"So what if I am? I don't owe you any explanation," she snapped.
"Tell me, what were you thinking about just now?" he asked her. She bristled angrily.
"Didn't you hear me? I don't owe you any explanation for my actions! They're mine alone!"
She gasped and bit her lip when he own voice cracked suddenly, whirling away to glare out the window. He knew then that she'd been thinking about her father. Hellsing's leader or not, she was still only a child who'd recently been orphaned in the most horrible of ways. With Walter's plane home delayed until the following day, she was all alone in the mansion with a powerful vampire who clearly terrified her, whether he meant to or not. She knew full well that if he wanted to, he could easily overpower her.
"You're only a child," he pointed out, "Crying is no sin,"
"I don't believe anyone asked for your input," she growled, folding her arms and glaring out the window. He could see how her eyes shone with un-shed tears that she wished he would leave so she could cry silently by her lonesome.
Looking back, Alucard figured that that moment was the moment he quite possibly fell to that trait humans held so dear to their hearts, the one emotion unique to humans alone. Well, and humanoids.
Right then, he found a sudden admiration for this girl. She wanted so badly to cry for her lost parent, the one assurance of love and safety she'd probably ever known and then lost so suddenly. But she wasn't going to cry. She knew that she had to be strong for her father, to be the next great leader of the Hellsing family and the master of their greatest achievement. He realized then that she had the power to cry when she needed to, but to hold it back when she knew it was necessary.
He wasn't sure why he did it. But he'd moved forward faster than her eyes could follow, grasping her shoulders and pulling her against him. She screamed on reflex and flailed to get away, but he held her tightly.
"Let me go! Damn you, let go! I order you to release me!" she yelled.
"It's my duty to protect my master," he'd told her calmly, causing her to temporarily freeze, "Therefore, when I see my master in pain, it's my duty to correct the reason behind it."
She gasped lightly at his words and tried again to push him away, this time less fervently.
"I'm not in pain," she insisted, though her voice cracked again, this time more noticeably.
"Are you afraid of your own servant, my master?" he said tauntingly, stroking her hair in what he hoped was a soothing motion. She scowled and dug her fingers into his arm so hard that it actually stung.
"What a ridiculous concept," she snapped, "You are my servant. You're supposed to obey me!"
Yet even as she said this, she never told him to release her as he'd expected her to. Her fingers continued to press into his arm so hard that her knuckles went white. Several minutes passed in this manner and her breath came in shaky, heaving gasps as she struggled to maintain her composure. And still, he waited for her words as he held her tightly.
"Your orders then, my master?" he said quietly, abandoning his previous intentions. If she answered him here, she'd pass or fail his test.
"You obey my command without hesitation, servant," she said, monotone, " I order you to protect my country and my queen, and me," she added fiercely, "Any opposition you encounter is to be crushed. You will eliminate all enemies of Hellsing without hesitation on my word alone. If I give the order for you to tear our enemies to bloody shreds, you will do so."
She gripped his arm even harder if that was possible. A satisfied grin spread across his face at her words. He could feel the flame of battle kindling into a blazing inferno inside him and his grip around her reflexively tightened.
"Whatever you wish, my master," he hissed.
But her reaction to this wasn't what he expected. Suddenly, her grip slackened on his arm and her body suddenly went limp in his grasp. He acted on reflex when she sank to her knees on the floor. He followed her down, watching her curiously. What was she doing?
Her body trembled viciously, her head bowed so her hair hung over her eyes. He frowned when she raised a small, shaking hand, taking hold of the fabric of his clothing, this time so gently he barely felt it. Her head raised ever so slightly and he could see her eyes squeezed shut and her chin quivering as a single, glistening tear escaped at last. She slowly leaned forward, resting her forehead against his chest as a strangled sob escaped her, wracking her small body. Even through this clear show of despair, she was still trying her best to hold it in. He couldn't help but admire her strength and determination, even as it was clearly failing her. He gathered her against him and this small act of love on his part finally broke the ice for her. She finally began to cry, clinging desperately to him and sobbing in abandon. He just held her, waiting patiently and studying the spirit of this child, his new master.
Alucard sighed, staring at the window where everything had started. He considered it all too likely that that was the exact time he'd allowed himself to feel love for a human. She was so strong, even in her despair. That was one of few times she'd ever allowed him to see the real her, the scared, frightened girl she always kept locked deep within her heart. Once she'd calmed down, she'd given him a feeble order to watch over her that night while she slept. He'd obliged and the next morning, it was impossible to tell that anything had passed between them.
He stood up, figuring that the less time he spent in that room, the better. It was only going to be harder to leave. As he started to depart, however, his foot hit something jutting out from beneath the bed. He glanced down curiously and knelt to get a better look.
It was a worn wooden box, obviously something that she'd hidden, though somewhat sloppily, considering that hiding something beneath a bed was just asking for it to be discovered. He gingerly pulled it out and straightened up. The box was about a foot and a half across on all sides and possible six inches deep. He sat back down on the edge of the bed and carefully undid the metal latch fastening the lid to the frame. He opened it up and his eyes widened ever so slightly. It was filled with three small envelopes sealed in wax and drawn shut with pieces of thread, tied neatly in careful knots. He pulled them out and set the box beside him, studying the covers. On each one was a year. The first was 1990, the year that she discovered him inside the dungeons. The second was 2000, ten years later. The third was dated 2055, that very year, the year that she finally passed away. He frowned and carefully broke the seal on the one marked 1990. Inside the envelope was a letter written in her neat cursive he knew so well. He unfolded it completely and read it.
The date is March 3rd, 1990.
My name is Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing. I have never believed in keeping diaries, but now I believe is a good time to at least create a record of the important events that have transpired over the past two months. In case something were to ever happen to me, I shall leave these messages behind, one year at a time to let the reader know what occurred within these sacred walls.
My father, Arthur Pembrook Hellsing, has succumbed to his illness at long last and is finally at peace. His only parting words to me were advice, that should I ever be confronted with a true crisis, to run to the deepest dungeon of our estate where I shall find my protection. To be quite frank, I believed that should this time arrive, I would be presented with a knight in shining armor to protect me and was content to believe in this girlish dream. However, it should be noted that my uncle, Richard, sought the family title above all else. He pursued me and attempted to murder me in order to accomplish this task. I managed to break into the cell my father mentioned, only for my dreams to shatter upon the discovery of a corroded corpse of a man imprisoned down there. At once, I believed my father had harbored a twisted sense of humor. My hopes were dashed in an instant as I joined this corpse in what I was sure was to become my tomb as well. As you may expect, my uncle discovered me soon after and I was shot in the shoulder. My fingers shake even now, not with fear, but with fury at the thought of my pure Hellsing blood being spilled by a man such as my horrible uncle. Desperate for power, he seemed unafraid to end the life of his only remaining family member. However, before he could pull the trigger, we heard movement stirring behind me. The corpse was alive! It's amazing to believe and even I had doubts as I watched it lapping up my discarded blood pooling on the floor. One word came to mind right then: vampire. It slowly stood up, freeing its arms from the restraints holding it down. As I watched in horror, it proceeded to tear my uncle and his henchmen asunder. Despite all of this, it must be said that I was the one who dealt the finishing blow to my wretched uncle, using the very gun he intended to turn upon my person. The smoke still curling from the barrel of the gun, I foolishly asked the creature's name. It responded with Alucard, a name bestowed upon it by my father, its— no — his previous master. I knew then that my father had been very foolish and possibly quite mad. For what reason did he entrap the very creature we sought to destroy? Surely my father harbored a great deal of insanity upon his deathbed, telling me to run to this vampire for help in my darkest hour? For now, as I write this, I have become that monster's master. I control him. I have since learned of the seal keeping him bound in my control and that it is my duty to keep him contained. But at what cost?
In short, I have been forced to give up my youth long before I was prepared to do so. I assure you, my dear reader, that I shall not be overpowered by that vampire scum I have so foolishly freed. Once I have gained greater power over him, I shall immediately lock him back within the dungeon where he belongs, never to taste blood again.
Yours Truly,
Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing
Alucard put down the letter, staring into space. It slowly slipped from his grasp and fluttered to the floor at his feet. Integra had left an account of their meeting and according to her, it hadn't been a pleasant memory for her. The weight in his heart grew heavy enough to cause his shoulders to sag in sadness. He shoved that aside for the moment and broke the seal on the envelope marked 2000, ten years following their meeting.
The year is September 12th, 2000.
My name is Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing. I am the lord and master of the Hellsing Organization, a secret group entrusted by Her Majesty to eradicate all forms of supernatural and satanic threats to the crown and country. Yes, I am forced to memorize all of that in that precise order.
I have been unfaithful in keeping my promise to write an account for each year, but it can't be helped. Vampires are hunted and eliminated every day. However, two such vampires seem to have become exceptions.
My recent assignment dealt with the small village of Cheddar, just north of here. A tiny remote town literally in the middle of nowhere. The perfect place for a vampire to strike. This particular case was tricky and the creature involved was unusually sadistic and obnoxious. I had to deal with a persnickety bureaucrat who had the nerve to question my authority. I was forced to illuminate Hellsing's true purpose to that nitwit.
Two things occurred which must be mentioned, the first being that a new vampire has joined our ranks. Her name is Seras Victoria. She was originally a member of special ops D-11, sent in to apprehend the suspected priest who turned out to be our vampire. As expected, they were slaughtered, with Seras the only survivor. From what I understand, she was in danger of violation and transformation into a ghoul, in that order. Ghouls are the result of deflowered humans bitten by a vampire. This is one reason I have vowed to remain pure. Given the choice, I believe I'd rather become a vampire than a ghoul, although I'd really prefer neither. But I digress. I sent Alucard in to deal with our problem quickly and efficiently and he blatantly disregarded my orders to never bite anyone while in the field. However, he claims that she made the choice for herself. I suppose I can let it slip this time. After all, it's about time he found something to train his focus on. I will likely be long dead by the time this is read, so I'll pen this with that in mind before I move on to my second point. I worry about Alucard on occasion. He's headstrong and cocky and one of these days, his victims will take him by surprise. Perhaps Seras will be able to get him to focus more clearly. I hope this because I certainly haven't been able to.
My second point is that the chipped vampires have appeared. Humans have begun to create vampires using microchips that somehow transform the human psyche into that of a vampire, although this process is as yet unknown. We're currently investigating the matter, but results evade our pursuits. This brings me back to my previous point concerning Alucard. Recently, it's begun to seem as though the enemy creating those chipped Freaks is directly targeting Alucard. As per their reason, I cannot be sure, nor can I theorize. All I can be certain of is how much he makes me worry these days. Even when I was younger, it was never as serious as this. Alucard constantly searches for a stronger opponent to battle and this puts me on edge. It's almost as if he's seeking to destroy himself. He clearly doesn't care how, just that it's done in one way or another, as is usually the case with that damned Paladin Anderson. I'm digressing again, aren't I? Knowing Alucard like I do, he'll probably stumble across these letters at some point before I die and being as nosy as he can be sometimes, he'll likely read them. Perhaps when he reads this, he'll realize exactly what he's doing and dare I hope, cease before it's too late. Perhaps I've become whimsical in my 'old age'. I can only laugh as I write this.
Yours Truly,
Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing
Alucard set this letter down, reaching to the floor to grab the other one gently, setting it beside him. The emotions in ten years had altered greatly. It had gone from bitterness at his very existence to clear worry for his welfare. So she had cared after all, just not in the way he'd hoped. Alucard sighed heavily and glanced at the third and final envelope. He wished he hadn't poured through the others so fast. This was the last thing his master had ever kept secret, ever probably worked on. It was finally starting to hit him just how alone he was now that she was gone forever. He slowly reached out to take the final envelope, breaking the wax seal and pulling out the final letter. He unfolded it and his eyes flickered when he saw that this cursive wasn't nearly as neat and tidy as the others. These were written clumsily, almost as if she were in a rush. That's when it occurred to him that this must have been written extremely recently. Much to his chagrin, his hands shook as he read it.
The date is June 4th, 2055.
My name is Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing. I can hardly believe that it's been nearly fifty-five years since I even thought about these letters. As I recall, my original mission was to leave behind a yearly record of my days as the leader of Hellsing. And if my old eyes are not deceiving me, I've only two letters gracing this box to date. Really now, Integra, shame on you for not working harder.
My hour is soon to come. Two long, painful years have been spent fighting this sickness that will eventually take my life. I suppose I expected this. Every professional doctor in the world says that smoking is bad for your health. But traditions are a hard habit to break.
I've spent my entire life hiding away everything I thought about for the sake of the organization. I'm determined to pour out the remainder of my feelings into this letter for the sake of three beloved people whose memories I'm to leave behind. After all, I likely won't get a chance to say my feelings to them while I still have the time to. The doctor won't allow Alucard in to see me, meaning he has to sneak in once the doctor has departed and by this point, I'm so weary I can barely keep my eyes open.
First off, to my dear Seras Victoria Hellsing, my beautiful adopted daughter. For forty years, you stayed by my side, thirty of those years in which the two of us were the only remnant of a bygone age in which Hellsing reigned as a great organization. The time we shared was forever precious to me and you were a great comfort to me in my old age. I have never married, nor have I had children of my own and thus, I remain pure, even on my deathbed. But I feel no regret, nor remorse. I feel nothing of that incomplete hollowness that follows some women who choose not to share in the warmth of a husband and children, for I have found that warmth in you, Seras, my dear child. It pained me endlessly to see you leave suddenly and wherever you are, I pray for your safety and your happiness. I know that I will never see you again, so I cherish your memories and keep them close to my heart.
Second, to Walter, my second father and friend. You may have left this world before me, but your betrayal means nothing to me whatsoever. You were there to hear my father's final wishes and I believe there was always a method to your madness. Whether it be to your own selfish ends or to the ultimate good fortune of the Hellsing Organization, you allowed Alucard to be freed from his imprisonment when you could have easily allowed me never to understand of his existence. You protected me from harm, you advised my decisions and you were present to my actions, all surrounding the organization's welfare. I don't care that betrayed us. If you had had a change of heart halfway through the battle and decided to return to us, I would have gladly welcomed you with open arms. I felt your death the moment it occurred and to this day, my heart has never completely healed. When I began to grow old and develop wrinkles along my skin, it made me depressed, not because of my age, but because it only served to remind me of the elderly butler who stayed by my side through thick and thin. Thirty years, forty years, even fifty years have passed and I still miss you as though you had died only the day before today. Hopefully, I will meet you again, along with my father and perhaps even my uncle. If this be the case, I can forgive him for his transgression against us. And my dear friend, Walter, if we should meet again, please take care in that all blame against you is officially cleared. My dear friend, you are always welcome.
Finally, to quite possibly my dearest, Alucard.
Here, Alucard was forced to pause in his reading. For some reason, a strange red haze was blocking his vision. He shook it off and continued where he left off.
What can I possibly say to you, my dear? You were always there, even before I knew of your existence. From the time I was a small child, I sensed that something was watching me, but not with malevolent intent. I now understand that you had always known of me and kept an eye on me since I was young. I recall just one instance where I fell from a second story window around the age of five and my father came to my aid much more quickly than realistic time and realization on his part should have allowed. I never understood how he was able to know I was in peril, but now, I realize that you must have had a hand in my aid, Alucard. I don't know how you did, but I am eternally grateful for your protection.
I can sense that my time is growing ever near. I fear I will not last another day. I must work in haste to finish my work.
Alucard, I feel I should apologize, but for the life of me, I can't think of what I must apologize to you for. I am not certain how to write this, but it must be said, no matter what. I may never get a chance to tell you, my dear. If I fail, then I shall die with the regret and knowing that I left you alone with no words of comfort. Alucard, of all my treasured people, you were there the longest. You were imprisoned for a hundred years and utterly alone for twenty of those years. I stumbled upon your cell and released you out of necessity, and at the time, I hated myself for it. But you must know, a small amount of time passed before I was unable to imagine a life without you by my side. Within a year or two, I began to realize that you would never stoop so low as to cause me harm. I'm sure you have sensed it, but my affection for you has grown exponentially. I never cease to worry about you. When you leave on a job I myself assigned unto you, I worry. Our constant connection keeps us together, but every time it slackens, my heart skips a beat in fear. I can feel when you have sustained injury and I must steady my emotions, everything for the good of the organization. Had I no organization to attend to, I might have found both the time and the courage to tell you how I truly felt. You were more than a beloved servant and soldier to me. You were everything I cared about in this world. It makes no difference what you are or who you are. Granted, your incessant innuendos and constant cynicism and taunting proved tiresome now and again, but out of all my beloved people, I am quite certain that it is you I loved the most. You provided a genuine feeling of closure to me, one I hadn't known since my dear father passed away.
I feel close to tears. My father's conditioning to always be strong is ingrained deep into my very being. Even writing a letter I know you will probably never read, I find I am unable to fully express my final feelings and wishes to you, my dear. It's so frustrating and sad. I can only hope you find in my feeble words how strongly I felt for you. I realize upon writing that I do not want to die. There is still so much left I wanted to talk with you about, Alucard. I pray for more time, knowing my prayers will go unanswered. I can feel my heart slowing. It's a terrible feeling. I still have some short time left, not at all what I desire the most.
I must confess two terrible secrets to you and you alone, my dear. Upon threat of death, so to speak, do not reveal this to anyone. The first secret is why I never married and continued the family line. It wasn't long after you brought Seras to Hellsing that I had begun to realize how dreadfully old fashioned we were as a family-run organization. But the only way to end it was for a single descendant to make the choice to forever stand alone. I decided to become that descendant and put an end to the Hellsing Organization once and for all. Thus, I have remained pure, never under the threat of transformation into an accursed ghoul.
My time is growing short, my dear. My final secret, one you must keep forever enclosed within your heart. I always knew this time would come, the time I would be forced apart from you. I never believed it would come so fast. But I became an old woman so quickly and I realized how little I'd spoken to you over the years, always telling you to shut up whenever you began to joke around with me. Please forgive me. You must know, however, that every night before I fell asleep, I would think. I would anticipate this very day in fear, wondering how I was going to tell you goodbye and realizing that I never wanted to be separated from you. With this in mind, every night, I considered the ultimate taboo of our family; asking you to drink my blood and turn me into one of your own. I fought with this idea so much that it began to wear on my physically as well as mentally. I knew that I had to remain relatively young for it to work and I knew that every day, I ran out of time. Every night, even when my resolve to ask you strengthened, my courage weakened. And when my courage strengthened, my resolve weakened. I had almost finally worked up both the nerve and the resolve, but then you disappeared for thirty years. Once the battle had ended, I had finally steeled myself to ask you the minute you returned. But you never came, my dear. I waited for twenty years and finally, I grew too old for it to work successfully. So when you finally did return, happy though I was, I was forced to tell you that you were too late.
I am so weak now, Alucard. My hands are shaking too much to hold the pen. Please note that I never meant to be cruel toward you and now, with my final reserve of strength, I shall write that I truly did love you, my dear, with all the strength my heart could muster. Take care and try to remember me fondly, now and again. And I want you to promise me that you will open your heart again someday to someone else. I don't want you to remain alone, my dear. Find Seras and take her with you. Vampire or not, I still love you and I want you to be happy. Farewell, my dear.
Yours Truly,
Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing
Alucard's trembling hand dropped the letter. It fluttered to the floor, but the vampire paid it no mind as he buried his head in his hands, the tortured sobs finally escaping his body. It was almost pitiful to him; he hadn't cried since the day he'd understood the meaning of Arthur's words to Integra. Arthur viewed vampires as children who would break down and cry with no warning, pleading for death. Alucard had seen himself in his old foe, Anderson and finally acknowledged the meaning behind that cryptic statement. Just as they did then, the bloody tears flowed freely and for the first time, Alucard felt the enormity of his situation crashing down on him. He was a vampire, a naturally solitary creature. He'd spent centuries alone and it never bothered him.
But that all changed when Abraham Van Hellsing forced him into submission, making him experience life amidst humans as their equal. Over the period of a hundred years, Alucard learned how not to be alone, how to interact with friends and acquaintances without viewing them as either food or the enemy. He learned how to hold a decent conversation, how to comfort a loved one in times of grief and how to argue a point without killing anything. He felt the bonds of humanity that he hadn't felt in centuries when he first gave up being human. For a hundred years, he experienced this with curiosity and admiration for the humans. But he'd never once experienced pure love, not until she came along. Even before the circumstances leading to his capture, it hadn't been pure love. At the most, it had probably been glorified lust, or longing, nothing more. He'd never understood the difference until now. But now that he did, it only brought the pain out in intensified paroxysms.
He remained this way for hours, unable to bear the thought of leaving her room where he'd last seen her, his last tie to any humanity he might have retained or even gained during the time he spent with her family.
"No...." he muttered in despair, "I can't leave...I can't...not without you. How can I leave knowing I'm leaving you behind?"
He felt like a pathetic, pitiful child, crying for its mother or some form of familiar comfort he knew he would never reach. But to tell the truth, he simply didn't care anymore. He shakily reached down to gather the fallen letter, taking the other two and then carefully sealing them back into their envelopes, storing them in the box and setting it on his lap, gazing down at it dejectedly. He could feel the tears streaming from his eyes, but he had no power to stop them.
"Why didn't you just ask?" he whispered. "Why? What is so wrong about it? Tell me, what is so wrong with wanting to be with the person you love the most?"
He sighed, brushing the tears away with his finger and staining his white glove bright red.
He stood up.
Then, he froze. His eyes widened and he drew a quick breath on reflex. He felt his skin crawl strangely, something compelling him to turn. He did so, glancing slowly to the left, by the window. He felt his breath hitch in his throat.
He may have been hallucinating, but he could have sworn he saw her standing against the wall, leaning on the glass and gazing out over the countryside, arms folded.
"You ask what's so wrong, Alucard," she said. Alucard blinked and frowned, shaking his head, but strangely unable to speak. She turned to him, smiling warmly, "Who could really know what's right and wrong to begin with, hm?"
She straightened up and tilted her head at him, "After all, at the end of the day, what's really important is the decision you made for yourself. So then, what do you want?"
Alucard looked away, his eyes narrowing. "I want...no, that's wrong. I don't want to be alone anymore. I've spent far too long etching out an existence alone. I don't know how to, anymore,"
He looked up, but she was gone. He rubbed his eyes and sighed. He was probably hallucinating, but whatever it had been, it had helped. He felt a bit better. Clutching the box tighter, he slowly moved toward the door. For the first and last time, he glanced back around her room. He would never return here, but then again, neither would she. She was free now and for that matter, he was too.
As he left the mansion to its fate, leaving through the rusty gate and closing it behind him, he decided. He'd leave his coffin behind for good. He'd get a new one, with new soil. This meant that he'd return to his birthplace, if only for a short while. He'd so as she said and see if he couldn't find Seras anywhere. Who knows? Perhaps she'd travel with him, keep him company. She was the closest thing he'd ever have to a daughter, after all.
He never looked back at the mansion. To him, it was no longer there and it was no longer home. It was just an empty lot, now, filled with memories to haunt whatever took its place. Instead, he made his way to the station and slipped through the crowds, unnoticed, onto the train leaving for Bristol. If Seras was still on this island, he'd find her.
He took his seat inside the train, gazing out the window and placing the box containing her last gift to him on the seat beside him. As the train began its journey down the tracks, Alucard wondered where his destiny awaited him from here. There was no one he could ask, but one might ask of him what he believed. If this were the case, he had already come up with an answer. If they wanted to know where his fate from here on in lay, they might want to ask her. Because he had a feeling she was going to be with him.
Wherever he ended up.
A/N: I truly believe this is my finest Hellsing work. I was about ready to cry writing it myself, but I'm very happy with how it turned out. Originally, the letters were going to be diaries, but I honestly couldn't see Integra keeping a diary, so I scrapped that. I hope you enjoyed this story as much I enjoyed writing it.