Definitions of Love
"The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you."
― Stephanie Perkins
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Sam was walking through the small motel room while biting his nails. He knew he had to tell Dean, but he had never found the right way to say it.
His father had always had a very closed mind, and if he had told him, Sam was sure that he would have kicked his ass until he would be "normal" again. It hurt to keep it inside every day of his miserable existence, trying to talk with silent words, afraid of his family's reaction.
Many things had changed since he was a teenager, for example John was dead, and Dean was back from hell, distant and lost in his own mind to see how messed up he was. Sam had felt different since he turned 14 years old, but he ignored the new definition of love he found. He could not like boys. He was a man. He was a freaking Winchester.
The blood that he had been cursed him with was heavy enough for him, but this feeling was worse in a mental health level.
During his Stanford days, he started to date with Jess, feeling that kind of relationship wrong in many levels. He was not happy, but growing up being a hunter had been useful for something. He knew how to feign something he was not, how to lie to people's faces to make sure they were content with what they heard or saw. Jessica never suspected anything, and she never knew how many times he skipped classes to go to a therapist.
"It's ok to like men, Sam. You cannot control what you feel"
"But-"
"You have to be sincere with yourself first, Sam. If you hide it, you won't be able to tell your girlfriend of family. They need to know that. They need to know so you can accept who you are" explained the therapist looking him in the eyes.
Sam remembered how many sessions he had talked about that with his therapist, still not feeling that it was the right time. He had been away from his family back then, and Jess had loved him more than he would ever be loved in this world (or so he thought). He couldn't hurt her telling her that he was not happy in their relationship.
Sam was interrupted from his thoughts when Dean entered inside the motel room they were sharing. He was carrying few beer bottles in one bag, and their food on the other one. He seemed happy, so he decided that today was not the day. What he didn't count with was the tears in his eyes, the ones that he had never been aware of.
"Sammy, you okay?" asked the elder Winchester worried while leaving the bags on the table.
"Why do you ask?" asked Sam turning away from him, pretending to grab something from his duffel.
"You have been crying. You never cry, so… What happened? Did someone hurt you?"
"No. I'm ok Dean" answered Sam with a shaky voice
"Come on man, you are far from okay. You know you can tell me everything, right?"
"You don't want to hear this, Dean" Said Sam, still not facing his brother.
"I am not gonna stop asking until you tell me what's wrong, kiddo. I am sorry", said Dean with gentle voice. He wanted to know what the hell was going on, and now. He knew he had not been okay since he came back from hell, but if Sammy was crying, he didn't have to be a scientific to know that something was really wrong, and his stupid mind was too foggy to work properly.
"I am sorry, Dean. I am really sorry" said Sam in between sobs.
"Hey, hey, calm down Sammy. I've got you, okay? I am here for you"
"You won't like anymore Dean. I am a freak, a monster" said Sam, repeating the words he had told to himself many times inside his head.
"You know that that is bullshit, Sam. You are a pain in the ass, but you are still my Sasquatch little brother. The only reason why I would stop liking your face, is if you crashed my precious baby"
Sam smiled shyly, feeling a little more confident. Dean was not going to stop insisting, but above all, he wanted to talk about it. He NEEDED to talk.
"You promise you won't hate me?" asked the younger hunter, who now seemed like a five year old kid.
"I promise, Sammy" said Dean, trying to encourage his kid brother.
Sam turned around to face Dean. He found his brother staring at him with a gentle smile and a relaxed body lenguage.
"I… Since I was fourteen years old I… I have not felt normal" started Sam, seeing the confused look on his brother's face.
"Why? Is it about the... demon blood?" asked the elder hunter.
"No, it's something else… I am gay, Dean… I tried to be normal, but I can't. I don't know how to change what I am feeling. I am so sorry" said Sam, sobbing again.
Sam thought by Dean's silence that he had screwed up. Dean was probably disappointed at him. How could he had done that to him?
All of the sudden, he felt how his elder brother wrapped his arms around him and whispered in his ear
"I don't know what you are apologizing for, Sammy. You are normal, and above all, you will always be my favorite Sammy in the entire world"
"I let you down, Dee" whispered Sam brokenly
"No, you didn't. I will always be by your side, doesn't matter what you choose in this life. Believe me, little brother. There is not one definition of love. I love my baby, for example. Don't tell her that, though" said Dean while rubbing Sam's back.
Sam laughed aloud and felt better than ever. He saw nothing but pure love and acceptance. His therapist was right. He felt how the weight on his shoulders fade away in the thin air, almost like it had never had never been there.
"I mean it, Sam. I don't care what you choose to do, or who you choose to love. I will always be by your side. If you ever doubt that again, I'll kick your gigantic ass, understand?" asked Dean, still not letting Sam go.
"Yes, I understand" said Sam smiling at him
There were many definitions of love, and he was a normal human being.
He was Sam Winchester, and he was gay. He was gonna be okay now…
Author's Note: Hey guys! I am not a fan of this kind of stories, but my mind made me wrote this. I am happy with the result though.
If you enjoyed it, please review J