Moulin Vert!
(An IZ parody of "Moulin Rouge")
JOY!! It's parody time!! Anyway, this is an IZ parody of the movie Moulin Rouge. I dunno how many people have seen this movie, but... go see it for the love of caffeine!
The basic plotline is this guy named Christian falls in love with a courtesan--if you don't know what a courtesan is, look it up--named Satine who is the star of a "nightclub" known as the Moulin Rouge and Satine also falls for him. Unfortunately, a Duke who the owner of the Moulin Rouge wants to finance a major play written by Christian for the Moulin Rouge also falls in love with Satine and wants her as his own. The Duke won't finance the play unless the owner gives him Satine. That's basically it. Anyway, here are the characters who will be appearing in this lovely parody!
Satine: the star courtesan of the Moulin Rouge, "the Sparkling Diamond"
Christian: an English playwright/poet come to France to seek his fortune
Harold Zidler: Owner of the Moulin Rouge
The Duke: bad guy who wants Satine or won't finance the club or the play
Toulouse: a "dwarf" who is one of the male actors Harold hires to appear in the plays the Moulin Rouge puts on, knows Satine
The Narcoleptic Argentinean: another hired male actor who is tall, overly strong with an insanely deep voice and has narcolepsy--a disease where you suddenly fall asleep
Satie: He does the music for the plays and is kinda crazy
Duke's Servant: uh.. he's a big, mean, evil guy who threatens people for the Duke because the Duke is a wimp.
Diamond Dogs: the women of the Moulin Rouge... there's a LOT of them!
Monsieur Chocolat: he's one of the few men at the Moulin Rouge. He basically watches out for Satine to make sure nothing bad happens to her at the hands of the people attending the Moulin Rouge. Sort of Satine's bodyguard.
Marie: retired Diamond Dog who now works behind the scenes keeping the other DD's healthy and stuff.
Nini: Diamond Dog who is Satine's rival... sorta, and a bitch.
The Frog: the Duke's little green friend in a fantasy Christian has... it's bizarre... don't ask... please, for the love of Irk don't ask...
There! I think that's everyone! Now! I can't just have anyone be who they want to be... We might end up with Red as a woman or something odd like that... so it's time for what every thespian hates!
AUDITIONS!!!
Here's our IZ cast list:
Zim
Dib
GIR
Gaz
Tak--I'm going to be making a lot of guesses about Tak... most of what I know comes from the trading card thingymabober at http://z_questionmark.tripod.com/planetirth/
Red
Purple
Prof. Membrane
Ms. Bitters
Keef--AAAAAAAAAH!!
Jendai--if you don't like him in here, deal with it.
We zoom into an auditorium. The IZ people are in the seats and AF sits on the stage in a director's chair, holding a script and her flamethrower. A CD player is at her feet with a copy of the Moulin Rouge soundtrack sitting on top. The usual amounts of bickering and general homicide attempts are happening, which serves to piss AF off.
Zim: (shoving Dib off him) GET AWAY HUUUman! Leave me be! It was NOT MY idea to be DRAGGED into this STOOOpid audition thing!
Dib: (tries to tackle Zim) I bet it was! You're just here to use some sort of evil mind warp thing to doom us all!
Tak: (appearing over the top of one of the seats) Yes human! Kill the Zim! (starts randomly cheering for Zim's demise)
Zim: GAH!! (notices Tak) What on Irk are YOU doing here!?
Tak: (shrugs) AF invited me.
Dib: (ceasing his attack for a moment) Wait.. How does she know you!?
Tak: Goooood question! (leaps for Zim) YAAAAAH!! (whips out her hot BBQ sauce) Fear the wrath of earth Sauce! (chases him up and down the aisles)
Zim: LEAVE ME BE, YOU PSYCHOTIC FEMA-(stops and stares at someone sitting in a seat)-No... It... HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE!?
Keef: (AAAAAAAAAH!) Hiya buddy! Wow, long time no see! I liked those eyes you gave me! They made me see you everywhere!
Zim: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (flees)
Red: (whining) Why do I have to be here!? (glares at Purple, who's reading the script) What are we supposed to be doing anyway!?
Jendai: (leans over the back of the seat between the Tallest) Well... you COULD be reading the script like Purple... or rehearsing your song for the part you want. (retreats back, listening to something on his headphones) Lessee... (starts singing softly) Come what may... I will love you, until my dying day... no... Erg... (flips through songs)
Red: (realizes he has to actually sing and reaches back to grab Walkman) Give me that! I need it! (rips it away from Jendai) You already have a song thing to sing! I need one!
Jendai: HEY! (pissed) Give that back! (somehow climbs over the seat thing to tackle Red and beat him up in a giant cloud of dust for his Walkman)
Purple: (still reading script) dum de dum... ooo, hmm... should I be that guy-no, wait, that's a woman...
GIR: (sitting by Gaz, watching her play her GS and drinking a Freezie) Can I push dat?
Gaz: No
GIR: Can I push dat?
Gaz: No (eye twitch)
GIR: How bout dat?
Gaz: NO
GIR: Can I push-
Gaz: NO!! (eye twitch) Now shut up before I destroy you.
GIR: (pulls a piggy out of his head) Oo, I like destroying! Don't you Piggy? (giggles and leaves Gaz alone)
Bitters: (to Membrane) And that's why your project is dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo-(insert bug crawling across face here)-ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooomed...
Membrane: (ignoring her on purpose) When is this going to start!? I must get back to the lab before the entire world has need of me once again!
Random extra people in the room: O.O
AF: (getting annoyed, fires her flamethrower into the air to get everyone's attention) HEY!! (all stare at her) Ah-hem! Now that I have your attention, here's what's going on! You are all my doomed prisoners! You will all be appearing in my parody of Moulin Rouge, which shall be called-(dramatic music) MOULIN VERT!
Crickets chirp for a few minutes...
Random Extra Person: (stands up) Wooooo!
AF: (glares) Now... I will read your names off a list and one by one you will all come up and read a few lines from the script, then perform a song that the character you've chosen sings. (whips out a clipboard) OKAY!! The first victim is... (scans clipboard) ZIM!
Zim is dragged screaming from the audience by Lynne, Bast, Mewgia and Shatai who magically appear to drag people up to AF. They deposit the Invader before AF and mysteriously vanish to from whence they came.
AF: (reclines in her chair) Okay Zimmy. Who are you reading for?
Zim: (squints at his script) The... Narcoleptic... Argentinean...
AF: (falls out of her chair laughing, then recovers and attempts to reason with Zim) Okay... uh, Zim? The NA is really tall and... has a really deep voice...
Zim: Then we can use special effects.
AF: (decides reasoning isn't going to work) Why don't you sing "El Tango De Roxanne" for us?
Zim: Ahem! Yes! (music for El Tango De Roxanne begins) Here we go! (sings in an insanely high voice)
Roxanne, you don't have to put on that red light
Walk the streets for money
You don't care if it's wrong or if it is right! (Zim stops singing as various people start laughing) What!? You all DARE to MOCK ZIMM!?
AF: (covers her giggles) Zimmy, why don't you try this... (trades him song lyrics) I think it's more suited for you.
Zim: (reads) Who is this... Toulouse?
AF: It's a very important part that you would be great for, Zim.
Zim: Ah... (gets his little "Oooo-I-just-had-an-evil-idea" look) and... does he make human females swoon and become susceptible to... things with his INCREDIBLE, beautiful male voice?
People/Irkens in the audience: O_o
AF: (stares) Erm... (decides she better get Zim into the part or else) Yes. He does. Go on. Sing.
Zim: (clears his throat and sings)
I only speak the truth
I only speak the truth
I only speak the truth
I only speak the truth
I only speak the truth... (realizes something) Hey! This is all I sing!
AF: Not true! This is your only solo, Zim. You also sing in big groups with the other characters. (makes a note on her clipboard) Okay, let's run through some lines. You read for Toulouse and I'll read Christian.
Zim: (in his newly designated "Toulouse Voice") How do you do? My name is Henri Marie Raymond Toulouse-Lautrec Montfa. I'm terribly sorry about all this. We were just upstairs rehearsing a play.
AF: (as Christian) What? (then as Narrator Christian) A play, something very modern called "Spectacular, Spectacular."
Zim: (as Toulouse) And it's set in Switzerland!
AF: (as Narrator Christian) Unfortunately the unconscious Argentinean suffered from a sickness called Narcolepsy.
Zim: (as Toulouse) Perfectly fine one moment then suddenly *SNORT, SNORT* unconscious the next! (breaks character) AF, must I say... "snort snort"?
AF: (also breaking character) Yes. If you get the part. Thanks Zimmy! (waves him away) NEXT! (glances at her clipboard) RED!
Red gets himself up on stage on his own, eyeing Lynne, Bast, Mewgia and Shatai suspiciously. He pulls out his copy of the script and studies it for a few seconds.
AF: And who are you reading for, Lazer Ass?
Red: (proudly) The Nap-o-letixic Argintineeyan! (pronounced how it's spelled)
AF: God, do all the guys want to be him? (shakes her head) Anyway, it's not Nap-o-letixic, it's Narcoleptic! (thinks) Well, at least he's stupid enough.
Red: Whatever. I'm going to sing now. (launches into "El Tango De Roxanne." We know Red has a deep voice.) Ah-hem! (spoken-or rather, yelled) JEALOUSY WILL DRIVE YOU MAD! MAD! MAD! (sings in his very deep voice, which is note perfect for this song) Roxanne! You don't have to put on that red light! Walk the streets for money! You don't care if it's wrong or if it's right. Roxanne, you don't have to wear that dress tonight. Roxanne, you don't have to sell your body to the night.
AF: (claps) Perfect! I didn't think you had it in you, Lazer Ass!
Red: Why wouldn't I? Everyone knows I'm the one with the beautiful male voice! (shoots Zim a superior look)
AF: Right... (holds up her script copy) Now, let's see if you can act that well... Page... 56. Red, the NA doesn't have a lot of big chunks of lines... so I'll read your cue, and you take it away. (reads as Satine) The boy has a ridiculous obsession with me. I mean, I... I indulge his fantasy because he's talented. We need him... but only until tomorrow night...
Red: (spoken as the NA) We have a dance in the brothels of Buenos Aires. It tells the story of a prostitute and a man... (wow, he's actually good) who falls in love... with her. First there is desire. Then passion. Then... suspicion! Jealousy, anger, betrayal! When love is for the highest bidder, there can be no trust. Without trust there is no love. (gets an evil smile) Jealousy, yes! Jealousy, will drive you, will drive you... MAD!! (bows at the applause he's getting)
AF: Wonderful! I'll be seeing you for call-backs Lazer Ass! (watches him bow a few more times, then leave the stage grinning like an idiot) Next we have... Gaz.
Gaz: (stands up, not even bothering to come on stage and recites) This ending's silly. Why would the courtesan go for the penniless writer? Whoops! I mean sitar player... (looks up) I'm going to be Nini. Anyone have a problem with that?
AF: Nope... (in awe of Gaz's scariness)
Gaz: Good. (sits back down)
AF: Ooookay... (scans her list again) GIR?
GIR: (screams and runs on stage) I WANNA BE SATIE!! PIANOOOOOOO!
AF: (blinks) Er... okay, GIR... You can be Satie.
GIR: YAAAAY! (runs around AF before wandering back to his seat)
AF: (happy) Well! This is going well! Next we have... Purple!
Purple, who is extremely nervous about the whole thing, gets dragged on stage. Red laughs at him and is reprimanded by a kick in the squeedly-spooch from Jendai.
AF: (smiles at him) All right, Pur. Who are you reading for?
Purple: Errrm... (looks at the floor) Zidler. (glares as the sound of Red laughing hysterically is heard) Shut up! (glares out at Red)
AF: (growls at the incompetence she's forced to work with) It's okay Pur. Just go ahead and sing. If Lazer Ass says anything... (pats Flamey Jr threateningly)
Purple: (regains his confidence) Here I go... (music for "The Show must go On" plays as Purple starts singing. Like Red, he's surprisingly good) Another hero. Another mindless crime. Behind the curtain, in the pantomime. On and on... does anybody know what we are living for? What ever happened? We leave it all to chance. Another heartache. Another failed romance. On and on... does anybody know what we are living for? (people start clapping) The show must go on! The show must go on!
AF: O.O
IZ people: O.O
Random Extra People: O.O
Purple: (aware of the looks and is suddenly embarrassed) What? Was it bad?
AF: No... no! It was awesome! (picks up the script) Here we go. Page... 21. (as Satine) Is the Duke here Harry?
Purple: (as Zidler) Yes, of course.
AF: (as Satine) Where is he?
Purple: (as Zidler) He's the one Toulouse is shaking his hanky at.
AF: (reading the action) "Satine sees Toulouse shaking the hanky at Christian, therefore thinks he is the Duke..." (As Satine) Are you sure?
Purple: (as Zidler) Let me peek... (pauses) That's the one chickpea. I hope that daemonic loon hasn't frightened him off....
AF: (claps) Very good Purple! (smiles at him) You'll be in the call-backs.
Purple leaves the stage as AF calls the next victim. They go through Professor Membrane, who wants to be Monsieur Chocolat, and Keef (AAAAAAAAAAH!), who wants to be the Duke's servant because he thinks Zim will be the Duke. Bitters at first wants to audition for Satine, but after reading the "DOOMED" part, decides she wants the part of Marie.
AF: (sighs) Dib. Get up here.
Dib is dragged onstage by Lynne, Bast, Mewgia and Shatai, fighting their hold but not screaming like AF wanted him to.
AF: (sounds bored) Who are you auditioning for?
Dib: Christian of course!
AF: (glares) You do know that if you're Christian, you have to pretend to be romantically involved with whoever plays Satine. (sighs at the confused look) You have to kiss, let yourself... uh... have things done, get naked... stuff like that.
Dib: (horrified) Then... then what do you suggest?
AF: (evil smile) The Duke.
Dib: (stares) Okay... What do I sing?
AF: (laughs evilly and turns on the CD player)
Dib: (listens to the song, "Like A Virgin") AHH! NO! (meekly starts singing after AF glares at him) ...She's so fine. And she's mine. Makes me strong. Yes she makes me burn...and her love thawed off... Yes her lo-uh-uh-uh-uve thawed off what was scared and cold! (blushes fiercely)
Purple: (asleep, yet still recognizing the part, sings loudly in his sleep) LIKE A VIRGIN!! (Red and Jendai fall over laughing hysterically)
AF: (laughs) Good. Now. Page 72. (reads Zidler's part) My dear Duke, everything is arranged for that special supper in the Gothic Tower tonight.
Dib: (as the Duke) Oh yes, eat it yourself Zidler. Her affections are waning...
AF: (as Zidler) Impossible!
Dib: (as the Duke) I understand how important your work is to her, but she's always at it with that damn writer. (people stare at the amazing cussing Dib) If I don't see her tonight, I'm bally well leaving!
AF: (as Zidler) No, dear Duke! I'll insist Satine takes the night off.
Dib: (as the Duke) All right, all right... eight o' clock then.
AF: Okay. Good job. Go now. (watches Dib scurry off) Dai! You're up!
Jendai: (climbs up on stage) Guess who I'm reading for.
AF: (groans) The Narcoleptic Argentinean?
Jendai: (laughs) Nope. (music for "Your Song" starts up. We all know that Jendai can sing well. Here he goes!) My gift is my song...
And this one's for you
And you can tell everybody that this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done... (crowd cheers)
I hope you don't mind,
I hope you don't mind...
that I put down in words...
How wonderful life is now you're in the world!
AF: (also cheers) YAY! Page 3, Dai, if you please.
Jendai: (as Narrator Christian) The Moulin Rouge . . . a nightclub, the dance hall of the bordello. Ruled over by Harold Zidler. A kingdom of nighttime pleasures. Where the rich and powerful came to play with the young and beautiful creatures of the underworld. And the most beautiful of all these was the woman I loved, Satine, a courtesan. She sold her love to men. They called her the "Sparkling Diamond", and she was the star... of the Moulin Rouge. The woman I loved is... dead. (bows as the crowd goes wild)
AF: (jumps up and applauds) YAY! You rock Dai! See you at call-backs!
Jendai bows and leaves the stage as the last actress heads up.
Tak: About time! I've been sitting there waiting for 3 hours!
AF: (grumbles) Hello to you too, Tak. Let me guess, Satine? You're the only female left and I sure as hell aren't gonna play her.
Tak: (smiles evilly) Yes. I will be Satine! Oh such a Satine will I be! (cackles maniacally)
AF: Uh huh... What will you be singing?
Tak: (kicks her own personal CD player to life) The one about diamonds of course! (she begins to sing "Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend" with her head down) The French are glad to die for love. They delight in fighting duels. But I prefer a man who lives... and gives expensive jewels! (crowd cheers as her head pops up) A kiss on the hand may be quite continental, but diamonds are a girl's best friend! A kiss may be grand but it won't pay the rental on your humble flat... Or help you feed your (meows) pussycat! (struts across the stage, eyeing the males in the room) Men grow cold as girls grow old, and we all lose our charms in the end! (more wild cheering as she continues to "sexily" strut around) But square cut or pear shaped, these rocks don't lose their shapes! Diamonds are a girl's best friend! (bows)
AF: (a little disturbed by Tak's show) Erm... yay! (her clapping is drowned out by the cheers of the other people) NOW-(people quiet)-let's take it away from page... 12, Tak. (as Marie) That twinkle-toes Duke has really taken the bait girl. With a patron like him, you'll be the next Sara Burnhart.
Tak: (in a high, girly voice as Satine) Do you really think I could be like the great Sara?
AF: (breaks character) Erm, Tak?
Tak: (normal) Yes?
AF: Just use your normal voice, okay? (as Marie again) Why not? You have the talent. You hook that Duke and you'll be lining up the great stages at your name.
Tak: (as Satine) I'm going to be a real actress Marie, a great actress, and I'm going to fly away from here. (breaks character and reads the action) "to her bird"? I have a bird?
AF: Yes. You do.
Tak: Ah, okay. (as Satine) Oh yes, Birdy, we're going to fly, fly away from here!
AF: (as Zidler now) Duckling, is everything all right?
Tak: (breaks character) He calls her "duckling"?
AF: (getting annoyed) Yes, Tak. Go on, please.
Tak: (as Satine) Oh yes, of course Harold.
AF: (as Zidler) Oh thank goodness. You certainly weaved your magic with that Duke on the dance floor.
Tak: (as Satine) How do I look? Smoldering temptress? (breaks character yet again) What the hell is a smoldering temptress?
AF: (sighs) Never mind. I'll see you at call-backs too, Tak. (stands up) And this concludes the Audition portion of this little project! Soon, if the actors/actresses ever cooperate with me, we will see the first part of this fic known as....
THE MOULIN VERT!!
(An IZ parody of "Moulin Rouge")
JOY!! It's parody time!! Anyway, this is an IZ parody of the movie Moulin Rouge. I dunno how many people have seen this movie, but... go see it for the love of caffeine!
The basic plotline is this guy named Christian falls in love with a courtesan--if you don't know what a courtesan is, look it up--named Satine who is the star of a "nightclub" known as the Moulin Rouge and Satine also falls for him. Unfortunately, a Duke who the owner of the Moulin Rouge wants to finance a major play written by Christian for the Moulin Rouge also falls in love with Satine and wants her as his own. The Duke won't finance the play unless the owner gives him Satine. That's basically it. Anyway, here are the characters who will be appearing in this lovely parody!
Satine: the star courtesan of the Moulin Rouge, "the Sparkling Diamond"
Christian: an English playwright/poet come to France to seek his fortune
Harold Zidler: Owner of the Moulin Rouge
The Duke: bad guy who wants Satine or won't finance the club or the play
Toulouse: a "dwarf" who is one of the male actors Harold hires to appear in the plays the Moulin Rouge puts on, knows Satine
The Narcoleptic Argentinean: another hired male actor who is tall, overly strong with an insanely deep voice and has narcolepsy--a disease where you suddenly fall asleep
Satie: He does the music for the plays and is kinda crazy
Duke's Servant: uh.. he's a big, mean, evil guy who threatens people for the Duke because the Duke is a wimp.
Diamond Dogs: the women of the Moulin Rouge... there's a LOT of them!
Monsieur Chocolat: he's one of the few men at the Moulin Rouge. He basically watches out for Satine to make sure nothing bad happens to her at the hands of the people attending the Moulin Rouge. Sort of Satine's bodyguard.
Marie: retired Diamond Dog who now works behind the scenes keeping the other DD's healthy and stuff.
Nini: Diamond Dog who is Satine's rival... sorta, and a bitch.
The Frog: the Duke's little green friend in a fantasy Christian has... it's bizarre... don't ask... please, for the love of Irk don't ask...
There! I think that's everyone! Now! I can't just have anyone be who they want to be... We might end up with Red as a woman or something odd like that... so it's time for what every thespian hates!
AUDITIONS!!!
Here's our IZ cast list:
Zim
Dib
GIR
Gaz
Tak--I'm going to be making a lot of guesses about Tak... most of what I know comes from the trading card thingymabober at http://z_questionmark.tripod.com/planetirth/
Red
Purple
Prof. Membrane
Ms. Bitters
Keef--AAAAAAAAAH!!
Jendai--if you don't like him in here, deal with it.
We zoom into an auditorium. The IZ people are in the seats and AF sits on the stage in a director's chair, holding a script and her flamethrower. A CD player is at her feet with a copy of the Moulin Rouge soundtrack sitting on top. The usual amounts of bickering and general homicide attempts are happening, which serves to piss AF off.
Zim: (shoving Dib off him) GET AWAY HUUUman! Leave me be! It was NOT MY idea to be DRAGGED into this STOOOpid audition thing!
Dib: (tries to tackle Zim) I bet it was! You're just here to use some sort of evil mind warp thing to doom us all!
Tak: (appearing over the top of one of the seats) Yes human! Kill the Zim! (starts randomly cheering for Zim's demise)
Zim: GAH!! (notices Tak) What on Irk are YOU doing here!?
Tak: (shrugs) AF invited me.
Dib: (ceasing his attack for a moment) Wait.. How does she know you!?
Tak: Goooood question! (leaps for Zim) YAAAAAH!! (whips out her hot BBQ sauce) Fear the wrath of earth Sauce! (chases him up and down the aisles)
Zim: LEAVE ME BE, YOU PSYCHOTIC FEMA-(stops and stares at someone sitting in a seat)-No... It... HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE!?
Keef: (AAAAAAAAAH!) Hiya buddy! Wow, long time no see! I liked those eyes you gave me! They made me see you everywhere!
Zim: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (flees)
Red: (whining) Why do I have to be here!? (glares at Purple, who's reading the script) What are we supposed to be doing anyway!?
Jendai: (leans over the back of the seat between the Tallest) Well... you COULD be reading the script like Purple... or rehearsing your song for the part you want. (retreats back, listening to something on his headphones) Lessee... (starts singing softly) Come what may... I will love you, until my dying day... no... Erg... (flips through songs)
Red: (realizes he has to actually sing and reaches back to grab Walkman) Give me that! I need it! (rips it away from Jendai) You already have a song thing to sing! I need one!
Jendai: HEY! (pissed) Give that back! (somehow climbs over the seat thing to tackle Red and beat him up in a giant cloud of dust for his Walkman)
Purple: (still reading script) dum de dum... ooo, hmm... should I be that guy-no, wait, that's a woman...
GIR: (sitting by Gaz, watching her play her GS and drinking a Freezie) Can I push dat?
Gaz: No
GIR: Can I push dat?
Gaz: No (eye twitch)
GIR: How bout dat?
Gaz: NO
GIR: Can I push-
Gaz: NO!! (eye twitch) Now shut up before I destroy you.
GIR: (pulls a piggy out of his head) Oo, I like destroying! Don't you Piggy? (giggles and leaves Gaz alone)
Bitters: (to Membrane) And that's why your project is dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo-(insert bug crawling across face here)-ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooomed...
Membrane: (ignoring her on purpose) When is this going to start!? I must get back to the lab before the entire world has need of me once again!
Random extra people in the room: O.O
AF: (getting annoyed, fires her flamethrower into the air to get everyone's attention) HEY!! (all stare at her) Ah-hem! Now that I have your attention, here's what's going on! You are all my doomed prisoners! You will all be appearing in my parody of Moulin Rouge, which shall be called-(dramatic music) MOULIN VERT!
Crickets chirp for a few minutes...
Random Extra Person: (stands up) Wooooo!
AF: (glares) Now... I will read your names off a list and one by one you will all come up and read a few lines from the script, then perform a song that the character you've chosen sings. (whips out a clipboard) OKAY!! The first victim is... (scans clipboard) ZIM!
Zim is dragged screaming from the audience by Lynne, Bast, Mewgia and Shatai who magically appear to drag people up to AF. They deposit the Invader before AF and mysteriously vanish to from whence they came.
AF: (reclines in her chair) Okay Zimmy. Who are you reading for?
Zim: (squints at his script) The... Narcoleptic... Argentinean...
AF: (falls out of her chair laughing, then recovers and attempts to reason with Zim) Okay... uh, Zim? The NA is really tall and... has a really deep voice...
Zim: Then we can use special effects.
AF: (decides reasoning isn't going to work) Why don't you sing "El Tango De Roxanne" for us?
Zim: Ahem! Yes! (music for El Tango De Roxanne begins) Here we go! (sings in an insanely high voice)
Roxanne, you don't have to put on that red light
Walk the streets for money
You don't care if it's wrong or if it is right! (Zim stops singing as various people start laughing) What!? You all DARE to MOCK ZIMM!?
AF: (covers her giggles) Zimmy, why don't you try this... (trades him song lyrics) I think it's more suited for you.
Zim: (reads) Who is this... Toulouse?
AF: It's a very important part that you would be great for, Zim.
Zim: Ah... (gets his little "Oooo-I-just-had-an-evil-idea" look) and... does he make human females swoon and become susceptible to... things with his INCREDIBLE, beautiful male voice?
People/Irkens in the audience: O_o
AF: (stares) Erm... (decides she better get Zim into the part or else) Yes. He does. Go on. Sing.
Zim: (clears his throat and sings)
I only speak the truth
I only speak the truth
I only speak the truth
I only speak the truth
I only speak the truth... (realizes something) Hey! This is all I sing!
AF: Not true! This is your only solo, Zim. You also sing in big groups with the other characters. (makes a note on her clipboard) Okay, let's run through some lines. You read for Toulouse and I'll read Christian.
Zim: (in his newly designated "Toulouse Voice") How do you do? My name is Henri Marie Raymond Toulouse-Lautrec Montfa. I'm terribly sorry about all this. We were just upstairs rehearsing a play.
AF: (as Christian) What? (then as Narrator Christian) A play, something very modern called "Spectacular, Spectacular."
Zim: (as Toulouse) And it's set in Switzerland!
AF: (as Narrator Christian) Unfortunately the unconscious Argentinean suffered from a sickness called Narcolepsy.
Zim: (as Toulouse) Perfectly fine one moment then suddenly *SNORT, SNORT* unconscious the next! (breaks character) AF, must I say... "snort snort"?
AF: (also breaking character) Yes. If you get the part. Thanks Zimmy! (waves him away) NEXT! (glances at her clipboard) RED!
Red gets himself up on stage on his own, eyeing Lynne, Bast, Mewgia and Shatai suspiciously. He pulls out his copy of the script and studies it for a few seconds.
AF: And who are you reading for, Lazer Ass?
Red: (proudly) The Nap-o-letixic Argintineeyan! (pronounced how it's spelled)
AF: God, do all the guys want to be him? (shakes her head) Anyway, it's not Nap-o-letixic, it's Narcoleptic! (thinks) Well, at least he's stupid enough.
Red: Whatever. I'm going to sing now. (launches into "El Tango De Roxanne." We know Red has a deep voice.) Ah-hem! (spoken-or rather, yelled) JEALOUSY WILL DRIVE YOU MAD! MAD! MAD! (sings in his very deep voice, which is note perfect for this song) Roxanne! You don't have to put on that red light! Walk the streets for money! You don't care if it's wrong or if it's right. Roxanne, you don't have to wear that dress tonight. Roxanne, you don't have to sell your body to the night.
AF: (claps) Perfect! I didn't think you had it in you, Lazer Ass!
Red: Why wouldn't I? Everyone knows I'm the one with the beautiful male voice! (shoots Zim a superior look)
AF: Right... (holds up her script copy) Now, let's see if you can act that well... Page... 56. Red, the NA doesn't have a lot of big chunks of lines... so I'll read your cue, and you take it away. (reads as Satine) The boy has a ridiculous obsession with me. I mean, I... I indulge his fantasy because he's talented. We need him... but only until tomorrow night...
Red: (spoken as the NA) We have a dance in the brothels of Buenos Aires. It tells the story of a prostitute and a man... (wow, he's actually good) who falls in love... with her. First there is desire. Then passion. Then... suspicion! Jealousy, anger, betrayal! When love is for the highest bidder, there can be no trust. Without trust there is no love. (gets an evil smile) Jealousy, yes! Jealousy, will drive you, will drive you... MAD!! (bows at the applause he's getting)
AF: Wonderful! I'll be seeing you for call-backs Lazer Ass! (watches him bow a few more times, then leave the stage grinning like an idiot) Next we have... Gaz.
Gaz: (stands up, not even bothering to come on stage and recites) This ending's silly. Why would the courtesan go for the penniless writer? Whoops! I mean sitar player... (looks up) I'm going to be Nini. Anyone have a problem with that?
AF: Nope... (in awe of Gaz's scariness)
Gaz: Good. (sits back down)
AF: Ooookay... (scans her list again) GIR?
GIR: (screams and runs on stage) I WANNA BE SATIE!! PIANOOOOOOO!
AF: (blinks) Er... okay, GIR... You can be Satie.
GIR: YAAAAY! (runs around AF before wandering back to his seat)
AF: (happy) Well! This is going well! Next we have... Purple!
Purple, who is extremely nervous about the whole thing, gets dragged on stage. Red laughs at him and is reprimanded by a kick in the squeedly-spooch from Jendai.
AF: (smiles at him) All right, Pur. Who are you reading for?
Purple: Errrm... (looks at the floor) Zidler. (glares as the sound of Red laughing hysterically is heard) Shut up! (glares out at Red)
AF: (growls at the incompetence she's forced to work with) It's okay Pur. Just go ahead and sing. If Lazer Ass says anything... (pats Flamey Jr threateningly)
Purple: (regains his confidence) Here I go... (music for "The Show must go On" plays as Purple starts singing. Like Red, he's surprisingly good) Another hero. Another mindless crime. Behind the curtain, in the pantomime. On and on... does anybody know what we are living for? What ever happened? We leave it all to chance. Another heartache. Another failed romance. On and on... does anybody know what we are living for? (people start clapping) The show must go on! The show must go on!
AF: O.O
IZ people: O.O
Random Extra People: O.O
Purple: (aware of the looks and is suddenly embarrassed) What? Was it bad?
AF: No... no! It was awesome! (picks up the script) Here we go. Page... 21. (as Satine) Is the Duke here Harry?
Purple: (as Zidler) Yes, of course.
AF: (as Satine) Where is he?
Purple: (as Zidler) He's the one Toulouse is shaking his hanky at.
AF: (reading the action) "Satine sees Toulouse shaking the hanky at Christian, therefore thinks he is the Duke..." (As Satine) Are you sure?
Purple: (as Zidler) Let me peek... (pauses) That's the one chickpea. I hope that daemonic loon hasn't frightened him off....
AF: (claps) Very good Purple! (smiles at him) You'll be in the call-backs.
Purple leaves the stage as AF calls the next victim. They go through Professor Membrane, who wants to be Monsieur Chocolat, and Keef (AAAAAAAAAAH!), who wants to be the Duke's servant because he thinks Zim will be the Duke. Bitters at first wants to audition for Satine, but after reading the "DOOMED" part, decides she wants the part of Marie.
AF: (sighs) Dib. Get up here.
Dib is dragged onstage by Lynne, Bast, Mewgia and Shatai, fighting their hold but not screaming like AF wanted him to.
AF: (sounds bored) Who are you auditioning for?
Dib: Christian of course!
AF: (glares) You do know that if you're Christian, you have to pretend to be romantically involved with whoever plays Satine. (sighs at the confused look) You have to kiss, let yourself... uh... have things done, get naked... stuff like that.
Dib: (horrified) Then... then what do you suggest?
AF: (evil smile) The Duke.
Dib: (stares) Okay... What do I sing?
AF: (laughs evilly and turns on the CD player)
Dib: (listens to the song, "Like A Virgin") AHH! NO! (meekly starts singing after AF glares at him) ...She's so fine. And she's mine. Makes me strong. Yes she makes me burn...and her love thawed off... Yes her lo-uh-uh-uh-uve thawed off what was scared and cold! (blushes fiercely)
Purple: (asleep, yet still recognizing the part, sings loudly in his sleep) LIKE A VIRGIN!! (Red and Jendai fall over laughing hysterically)
AF: (laughs) Good. Now. Page 72. (reads Zidler's part) My dear Duke, everything is arranged for that special supper in the Gothic Tower tonight.
Dib: (as the Duke) Oh yes, eat it yourself Zidler. Her affections are waning...
AF: (as Zidler) Impossible!
Dib: (as the Duke) I understand how important your work is to her, but she's always at it with that damn writer. (people stare at the amazing cussing Dib) If I don't see her tonight, I'm bally well leaving!
AF: (as Zidler) No, dear Duke! I'll insist Satine takes the night off.
Dib: (as the Duke) All right, all right... eight o' clock then.
AF: Okay. Good job. Go now. (watches Dib scurry off) Dai! You're up!
Jendai: (climbs up on stage) Guess who I'm reading for.
AF: (groans) The Narcoleptic Argentinean?
Jendai: (laughs) Nope. (music for "Your Song" starts up. We all know that Jendai can sing well. Here he goes!) My gift is my song...
And this one's for you
And you can tell everybody that this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done... (crowd cheers)
I hope you don't mind,
I hope you don't mind...
that I put down in words...
How wonderful life is now you're in the world!
AF: (also cheers) YAY! Page 3, Dai, if you please.
Jendai: (as Narrator Christian) The Moulin Rouge . . . a nightclub, the dance hall of the bordello. Ruled over by Harold Zidler. A kingdom of nighttime pleasures. Where the rich and powerful came to play with the young and beautiful creatures of the underworld. And the most beautiful of all these was the woman I loved, Satine, a courtesan. She sold her love to men. They called her the "Sparkling Diamond", and she was the star... of the Moulin Rouge. The woman I loved is... dead. (bows as the crowd goes wild)
AF: (jumps up and applauds) YAY! You rock Dai! See you at call-backs!
Jendai bows and leaves the stage as the last actress heads up.
Tak: About time! I've been sitting there waiting for 3 hours!
AF: (grumbles) Hello to you too, Tak. Let me guess, Satine? You're the only female left and I sure as hell aren't gonna play her.
Tak: (smiles evilly) Yes. I will be Satine! Oh such a Satine will I be! (cackles maniacally)
AF: Uh huh... What will you be singing?
Tak: (kicks her own personal CD player to life) The one about diamonds of course! (she begins to sing "Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend" with her head down) The French are glad to die for love. They delight in fighting duels. But I prefer a man who lives... and gives expensive jewels! (crowd cheers as her head pops up) A kiss on the hand may be quite continental, but diamonds are a girl's best friend! A kiss may be grand but it won't pay the rental on your humble flat... Or help you feed your (meows) pussycat! (struts across the stage, eyeing the males in the room) Men grow cold as girls grow old, and we all lose our charms in the end! (more wild cheering as she continues to "sexily" strut around) But square cut or pear shaped, these rocks don't lose their shapes! Diamonds are a girl's best friend! (bows)
AF: (a little disturbed by Tak's show) Erm... yay! (her clapping is drowned out by the cheers of the other people) NOW-(people quiet)-let's take it away from page... 12, Tak. (as Marie) That twinkle-toes Duke has really taken the bait girl. With a patron like him, you'll be the next Sara Burnhart.
Tak: (in a high, girly voice as Satine) Do you really think I could be like the great Sara?
AF: (breaks character) Erm, Tak?
Tak: (normal) Yes?
AF: Just use your normal voice, okay? (as Marie again) Why not? You have the talent. You hook that Duke and you'll be lining up the great stages at your name.
Tak: (as Satine) I'm going to be a real actress Marie, a great actress, and I'm going to fly away from here. (breaks character and reads the action) "to her bird"? I have a bird?
AF: Yes. You do.
Tak: Ah, okay. (as Satine) Oh yes, Birdy, we're going to fly, fly away from here!
AF: (as Zidler now) Duckling, is everything all right?
Tak: (breaks character) He calls her "duckling"?
AF: (getting annoyed) Yes, Tak. Go on, please.
Tak: (as Satine) Oh yes, of course Harold.
AF: (as Zidler) Oh thank goodness. You certainly weaved your magic with that Duke on the dance floor.
Tak: (as Satine) How do I look? Smoldering temptress? (breaks character yet again) What the hell is a smoldering temptress?
AF: (sighs) Never mind. I'll see you at call-backs too, Tak. (stands up) And this concludes the Audition portion of this little project! Soon, if the actors/actresses ever cooperate with me, we will see the first part of this fic known as....
THE MOULIN VERT!!