Real
2 weeks and 3 days.
That's how long he's been gone.
17 agonisingly slow days.
408 lonely hours.
I miss him. I miss him enough to count the hours since he left. Who does that?
I've somehow turned into one of those girls who can't function without a man. I feel sick. I've spent most of my life proving that i don't need a man, or anyone. I can survive perfectly fine on my own.
"Katniss will choose whoever she can't survive without"
Gale's words float across my mind. Anger bubbles through me as i remember him saying them.
I can survive without ANYONE! I have done for a majority of my life!
So why do I feel so empty without Peeta? Why can't I sleep without his warm body next to mine? Why does my chest constrict whenever I walk past his art room? Why have I spent the last 2 weeks and 3 days pining for him? Why? Why? WHY?
Maybe I should leave. Go into the woods and live there, in the house my Dad took me to.
I can live off the land and seclude myself from the rest of the world. Only Gale knows what the lake means to me and he wont care where I've gone. He didn't even come back to visit and make sure I was okay after Prim was murdered. He didn't so much as look at me during the funeral.
I can take my father's hunting gear. I wont need anyone and I WONT be weak anymore.
Except...
Except the more I think about leaving Peeta, the harder it gets to breathe. It hurts to think of my life without him. He's become such a huge part of it. He's my best friend, my constant. He's the person I'm closest to. He knows everything about me. What my favourite colour is, my favourite food. He's the one that comforted me when a stray dog dug up the Primroses. It felt like Prim had gone, all over again, and no one else cared. Until Peeta found me. He sat with me through the night guarding the few flowers that were left. He didn't ask why, or question my sanity. He just sat there, holding me and telling me stories of when Prim would visit his family's bakery just to look at the cakes. Or when, before the Quarter Quell, she would go to Peeta's every morning to help make bread and tell him stories about her cat or goat. He can cheer me up when I'm at my lowest. Make me laugh when everything makes me want to cry.
He's not just a part of my life. He's somehow, without me noticing, BECOME my life.
Gale's words swim through my mind again.
It's true. Subconciously, I have chosen who I can't survive without. Except it wasn't really a choice at all. It was destiny. Peeta has been in my past, he is my present and I wouldn't have a future without him.
This truth hits me so hard I feel winded. Fear grips me. I can feel my body shaking.
How could this have happened without me knowing? Why did it take him leaving for me to realise it? Why did he have to be called to the Capital when such a huge thing hits me? I need him here. I need him to reasure me that this is ok.
Oh no. No, no, NO!
What if he doesn't like me like that anymore? Sure, the Tracker Jacker venom hasn't affected him lately, he hasn't had anymore 'episodes' and he hasn't called me a Mutt since the rebellion. But that doesn't mean his old feelings are back. Everything he know's about me he's found out through new memories and I'm definitely not the same Katniss he claimed to love once upon a time.
A lump's forming in my throat. My eye's are burning and I'm starting to get a headache. No, no, no! This can't be happening. I can't have these feelings now! This is going to change everything when I tell him.
I can't tell him. This will ruin everything. If he doesn't return my feelings everything will be awkward. We wont be able to live together anymore without it getting weird, we wont share a bed anymore, which will mean no sleep. Then we'll both be sleep deprived and we'll probably have to turn to drink like Haymitch. Then District 12 will have three drunks. Neither of us will be sober enough to watch over Haymitch and he'll go into an even deeper depression and die of liver failure. We'll feel so guilty for his death that we'll drink ourselves into a stupor and die. No one will be around to feed Buttercup and he'll get so hungry he feeds on our rotting bodies...
Ok so maybe it wont be THAT bad, but it will be awkward. I CAN'T tell him.
But...that's what a coward would do. Peeta never worried about it being awkward when he had these feelings. He told me or hinted at his feelings everyday. He was brave enough to tell me. Maybe I'll hint at it. Show him everyday with the little things. Like making his favourite dinner when he comes home. Or suprising him with hot chocolate in the mornings.
I look at the clock. An hour has past since I last checked. Peeta should be home soon. My heart's thumping in my chest, I'm so anxious to see him.
I hear the door handle rattle and throw myself at the figure in the doorway.
Without thinking I raise my head and my lips find his.
He freezes and I'm about to apologise when he pushes me against the wall and attacks my mouth with his. It's hard and messy. Teeth clash and tongues battle for dominance. Then it all changes. His hold on me loosens until his arms wrap around me, holding me close. My hands uncurl from their fists, let go of his shirt and move up his chest and shoulders till they tangle in his thick hair. The kiss becomes softer, both of us giving up dominance and settling in a dance. Each following the others lead. The agressive passion that was there before just simmering under the surface.
I make a noise. A mix between a sigh and a moan that makes Peeta freeze again. He moves his head back and whispers "You love me. Real or not real?"
I look at his eyes. So open and vulnarable. There's something else there too. Something I'm sure is in my eyes as well. I peck his mouth again and whisper back
"Real."