Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Summary: Marvin tries to destroy the EVIL automated doors with nothing but a sausage, a bottle, and a bobblehead poodle. Oneshot.

Author notes: This was just something I thought about writing, so I wrote it, and here it is!

Swish! Click! Bang!

"Have a GREAT day!"
"Shut UP you worthless junk of metal!"

Arthur Dent and Ford Prefect watched in amusement as Marvin the pessimistic robot tried to destroy the many automatic 'happy' doors inside the spaceship they resided in. It wasn't only the fact that he was trying to destruct them, it was that he was trying to with three things he had found on the floor--a plastic bottle, a bobblehead poodle, and a rather large stick of sausage.

"Marvin, are you aware that automated doors can only be defeated by one way? I doubt that a bobblehead poodle will help you any..." Arthur, amused, asked.
"THE POODLE WILL CONQUER THE DOOR!" Marvin bellowed, jabbing the poodle at the door. It only succeeded in sending the poodle' head off, hitting Ford with an undignified THUMP!

"Yeah, ow..." Ford said in a voice that suggested that he got hit with bobble-head poodles regularly.

But then again, one never knew with Marvin.

"Keep it, keep it... I don't need bobbleheads, I've got SAUSAGE!"
Arthur leaned over and whispered in Ford's ear, "Yeah, but who needs sausage when you've got plastic bottles!"

Needless to say, they were both sent into a fit of giggles, and Marvin glared at them for ruining his time.

"Yuo are just jealous that you cannot be the ones to destroy this cruel door! IT WILL DIE!"

And he jabbed the door with sausage.

Ford said to Arthur, "Can a door die?"

The door rang out, "I am happy I can brighten your cruel, irrational, happiless day!"

Arthur whispered back to Ford, "I sure hope this one can..."

The sausage that was in Marvin's hands crumbled. Marvin would have cried tears if it weren't for the fact that he was a robot, but he did cry out in anguish, successfully making Arthur and Ford chuckle.

Marvin turned around to them, and yelled.

"You are all evil! You don't care! This door needs to DIE! It won't die! You aren't helping! You are all WORTHLESS!"

He then took the plastic bottle and started jabbing it at the door. That only succeeded in making the bottle get a dent in its side.

"Stupid door..." muttered Marvin, glaring at the door.

Arthur pulled from his pocket a notepad and pencil, and then asked Ford. "I bet he gives up in ten minutes."

"I bet he gives up in twenty!"
"Whoever loses has to buy the winner lunch!"
"Deal."

"YOU DAMN DOOR!" bellowed Marvin, staring in pain at the door.
"I'm glad that I can be your scource of happiness!"
"YOU AREN'T MAKING ME HAPPY!"

"Yes I am, you are just too naff to notice."
"I AM NOT NAFF!"
"Are too."
"AM NOT!"
"You're just too naff to realize you're naff... I see it all the time... especially with Zaphod..."

Arthur and Ford started in surprise. "Did that--did that door just respond?"
"Apparently so..."

"Wow..."

"YOU. SHALL. DIE!"

He jabbed the door one last time with his plastic bottle before screaming and scooting away, yelling in anger.

Arthur and Ford stood there for a moment, before Ford pulled from his pocket a screwdriver. "And, behold, the one way to kill an automated door,"

"Who would have thought that a door could be conquered so easily?"
"I dunno... we'll just kepp this our little secret, shall we?"

"We shall."