Title: a little bird that flew away
Author: Rion-chan... yes, I'm not using Saki as a pen name anymore because using Muraki's evil half brother's name is just weird and scary... -_-;;;
Rating: PG (not much bad content but lots of angst! Angst is bad for your mind you know ^^... and this is coming from someone who lives her life with angst... -_-;;)
Spoiler warning: MAJOR spoilers ahead. Don't flame me later saying that I didn't warn you! Because I did!
Disclaimer: I don't own Cain or any other characters that appear in Count Cain. They all belong to Yuki Kaori.
Notes: This is a fic I'm dedicating to sakura-crisis.net. That's for providing LOVELY Count Cain scanlations~!! Keep up the good work~!
Riff... gone...
Why?
Riff... part of Deliah...
Riff... betrayed me...
Riff...
"You... can see me?"
When I was invisible you saw me. Why? If it had to end like this, I would rather have stayed invisible forever. I felt happy. For the first time, someone had SEEN me. And that someone was Riff. I was glad that it was Riff. But... would I have been glad back then if I had known how things would have turned out?
"The little bird I had before... I don't know when it died.
But I don't need a pet anymore.
Because I have you!
Riff, you are the one in my cage"
Yes Riff. You WERE in my cage. At least I thought you were. But no. It was I that was in YOUR cage. My father's cage. No matter how I flap my wings, I won't be able to fly away. Because every time I try, they will clip my wings. My father... the doctor... and now even... you.
I felt happy. For the first time in my life I cared for someone. I wanted to protect that someone. Because that someone was MINE.
"Master Cain!"
"Don't hurt my servant..."
Father. I didn't want you to hurt my servant. Because he saw me when I was invisible. Because he was mine. My bird in a cage.
"That was the first time he protected somebody else.
Always, stay by his side.
If you separate from him, he will be hurt deeply!
Just like that little bird!"
When you said that to Riff, father, you already knew that this day would come, didn't you? You said those very words, with a cold smile as you brought your pipe to your mouth. You took my bird away from me father. Twice.
Father. You then left. No. To be more exact, I killed you. Yes, I killed you from the world. I killed you from my life.
"I am not afraid of solitude...
Because I have always been alone..."
"Master Cain..."
"I won't cry anymore!
These are my last tears..."
"I... I will always stay by your side... that is what I want...
Let me comfort you master Cain."
I wish... that you will never experience sorrow again...
Over the course of time...
Riff. Did you know that you were destined to leave me that day? That day when you wiped those flowing tears from my cheeks. Did you? If you did... why did you stay? Why didn't you leave? Why didn't you leave me to cry... destined to be alone... forever.
Who...
Has come...
Born...
This child who will bring misfortune has entered the world.
The one adorned in black feathers and blood has come into this world.
The bloody cursed child!
"NO... SAVE ME!
I DON'T WANT TO HAVE IT! GOD! PLEASE HAVE PITY ON ME..."
"You...
Cain..."
Mother...!!
"IF YOU HAD NEVER BEEN BORN...!"
"Father...! Father!"
"Cain...
Don't forget, Cain... you will never be happy...
You will never find love in your life. You will die all alone...!
Cain... is the name of the first person who killed his relative..."
Father!
'Come here!
That nightmare will consume people's souls!'
Who is it?
'You mustn't be caught!"
This hand...
Whose is it?
"Master Cain! You are awake!"
"Ri... ff...?"
When nightmares consumed me, your hand was always there. You'd pull me out of those nightmares, and bring me back into the sunshine. But now I wonder... had that hand really been yours? If so, how could you have pushed me back into a pit of darkness, worse than the one you pulled me out of?
"Was it you... who held my hand?"
"All I can do is be by your side."
"That's good...
Like the air, forever at my side."
Yes... like the air... You were invisible and yet your presence could always be felt. Once you're gone... I'll suffocate. Because you are like the air. The air that I breathe, the warm air that surrounds me has gone...
That's right... brother, he is like the air,
you only realize it once it is gone...
He has surrounded you warmly...
Isn't there anything else that can replace it?
The more you think about this,
The harder it is to breathe.
It hurts!
It hurts...
"Riff!
If you betray me...
I will go and die!"
Do you remember when I said this? Riff... what should I do now? Should I go die? Now that you have really betrayed me. Are you really gone? I look around and you aren't here anymore. I feel the emptiness of your presence weighing down on me like a ton of bricks and yet I'm still refusing to let go. Why? Is it because... deep down in my heart... I keep hoping that you will come back, smiling like you used to, telling me everything was some sick joke of the Doctor's?
"Why...?
Why do you want to kill Merry... and why did you burn the hat I gave Merry...
Secretly meeting with Julianne...
And... the man who bit me and drank my blood... was it you?
The one who poisoned me in London...
Was it also you?"
"...
Right now...
Master Cain, I cannot say anything right now..."
"YOU...!
You... you are the only one who knows everything about me.....
Amongst everyone that I have ever known, only you and Merry are the closest to me..."
"That is correct!
Only me... I have always thought this as well.
But... it is not like that anymore...
Yes... because it is too fragile, so it has all shattered to pieces.
Master Cain...
I do not have the qualifications to stay by your side anymore."
"Riff...?! Are you saying the truth?
You have not even said one word in your defense..."
"Sorry to cause you trouble, but please...
Please take care...
Please..."
"Ri... ff...?
If you leave... DON'T EVER COME BACK!
Do you understand?"
When you left then, even though I knew that it was only acting, I still felt like I had been stabbed a thousand times in my heart. Why? Was it because, somewhere deep in my heart, I knew... I knew that one day there'd be a day like this. And that day, we wouldn't be acting anymore.
"Dr., your entire plot was perfect.
Sending me to this place while I was still confused...
It was all part of your plan.
But, Riff would never betray me."
Yes. Riff would never betray me. And yet, if that is so, why am I here... by myself... crying again? Even though I have been sitting here for hours and hours, tears are streaming down and down my face... He isn't coming to hold me gently in his arms. He isn't telling me that "everything will be fine". Yes. Riff would NEVER betray me... NEVER...
"When I tried to kill myself, I really did want to die, because...
the family which I loved, our wealth, and my future dreams were all gone...
The one... who gave me a reason to live again,
was master Cain.
When I arrived here, the first thing that I had opened my heart to... was that this child needed me!
The day master Cain became count, I returned from the abyss that I had died in.
I made a promise that for the rest of my life, I would devote my entire self to this boy.
You should understand, sir...
No...
Sir, you must understand this..."
Did you truly mean what you said, Riff? If you did, why aren't you here right now? Why are you somewhere far away, taunting me over and over with you cruel laughter? You promised. You promised you would never leave me. Are you the one to blame for this? Or am I to be blamed? For opening my heart to someone, when I knew that no one would stay by my side forever?
"In the past...
whenever something happened, I would always hide behind you...
I don't know when the time will come when I will not hide here anymore.
You were the only one... who could dry my tears, when I loved to cry so much.
After that happened, I never cried again. Not once."
"There is nothing wrong with crying...
when I am by your side...
I feel as if I have returned to the past once more..."
Riff, I'm back to crying again. If I cry... if I keep on crying and crying... will you come back and dry my tears? Will you dry my tears? When you said that you had felt like you returned to the past once more, what did you really mean? Was returning to the past a good thing or a bad thing? Was it a bad thing? Is that why you left?
"The... two of you are very much alike.
You both possess the same difficulty in expressing yourselves... yet still love each other deeply in your own ways..."
Do you still think that uncle Neil? If Riff loved me deeply, would he have left? If he had loved me deeply, would he leave me crying like this? If he had loved me deeply, would he have purposely hurt me like this? Would he have snapped me in half as if snapping a rose? Would he have torn me to pieces like this? Tell me uncle. Does he still love me deeply?
"Master Cain!
Sir, we must go quickly!"
"I don't care!
Go by yourself. I... I want to be with her...
Just leave me alone!"
Slap!
"Don't you understand? She gave up her life to protect you!
Do you want that sacrifice to be wasted?
Have you forgotten that there are people who love you and are waiting for you?
Or else— are you saying that they've become nothing more to you than castoffs?
Even me—
If... if you throw me away, if you leave me behind, I... I'll...!"
...Ah...
He's... I think he's truly sworn his life...
"Don't let go!
If you let go... I'll shatter into a thousand pieces...
I will...
I'll just die..."
Then I truly believed that you had sworn your life to me. I really believed that you didn't want to lose me. That's why I chose to come back to this world... with you. Because I believed you really needed me. Riff, was I wrong? Was I wrong to think that anyone would ever need me? If I had burned to my death would I have really been breaking you? Or would you just have walked off without another thought? Tell me, Riff! If you would have left me anyway, if you would have broken me like this, why didn't you just leave me to burn?! Why didn't you just leave me there to burn with Meredianna?! At least, if I had died then, I would have been able to die thinking, that somewhere in this world, there really is someone that needs me. That someone... you.
Back then...
I really thought... that Meredianna would come home with us too... but
But then I realized...
"...Riff...!"
The pain is different...
"Master Cain...?"
"When I was separated from my father... the tears that you stopped...!"
I'm not alone anymore.
"Since then I've never been able to cry...
Thought it was a good thing you'd done, but...
But if I can't ever wash away the suffering by crying out loud...
Then maybe the wounds in my soul can't ever be healed...!"
I don't know if it's dangerous,
"What can you do for me now?"
This gentle, comforting chain you've bound me with...
I'll never again only belong to myself...
"It's all your fault...!"
"I'll repay you
with all that remains of my life,
Master Cain."
You bound me to you with a chain. Even though I want to leave, the chain is to strong to be broken. You didn't think twice when you broke your end of the chain. And yet, why am I having so much trouble trying to break mine? Will all the wounds in my soul be killed after I cry out loud? Will the pain you left me with heal if I cry and cry? If that is so, why does the pain seem to get worse and worse?
"If you went and left or something, I wouldn't care.
I'd just go back to living the way I did before I met you..."
Back to that time
...when I cried by myself, all alone...
"Master Cain!"
You really did go and leave. I said I wouldn't care... but... the truth is... no matter how hard I try to stop these tears, it won't go away. Do you know when these tears will stop? Is there any way I can stop these tears? If these tears don't stop, will you come back, Riff? Will you come back to dry these tears?
"Too bad isn't it...
You've just lost your last chance to escape from my grasp."
"But in all the world, I belong nowhere other than right here.
My deepest thanks for rescuing me,
My Lord."
I "rescued" you. And yet, you have escaped once more, my little bird. You have escaped and have flown away to somewhere where you don't belong. If THIS is where you belong, why did you have to leave? Why aren't you coming back?
"I hated it when that man helped me change my clothes...
Because the only person in all the world who may touch these scars
is you,
Riff."
Yes, Riff. You were the only person in the world that could touch my scars. The truth is, I needed you more than you ever needed me. Because without you... I am invisible.
Riff... one day, will you be come back into this house? Maybe then, I'll be crying out loud by myself in a corner. You will touch me softly and ask, "what are you doing?"
And I would softly answer...
"You... can see me?"
Wow... I finished this one faster than I thought I would. I just found out today that Riff would betray Cain. You have no idea what a shock I got. I sat down for the last few hours typing this away. It is half past midnight now. I'll probably post this up tomorrow. I mean later today... -_-;; I almost cried as I wrote this. Because, losing Riff, is the WORST that could ever happen to Cain. I haven't read any of the manga after book six so I have no idea how it happens. Anyway, all I have to say is that I'm rather regretful that I wasn't able to bring out Cain's feelings properly. This is nowhere near as sad, angsty and devastating as it would be to Cain. But this is the first angst piece I have EVER written. Up till now I have only written lighthearted fics. I've been wanting to write a really angsty fic for some time but I haven't been able to because I couldn't get the "feeling". So I really want to thank Cain for giving me inspiration to write an angsty fic. ^^ Hope you liked the piece and please review.
This fic was written and finished on the 26th of January 2004. (wow! What a coincidence! It's my birthday today! I seriously forgot. I was so wrapped in Cain's emotions I forgot my own birthday... -_-;;; Anyway, I guess this fic is kinda special... ne? ^^ Besides... I think this is the MOST mature piece I've ever done.)