Standard disclaimers apply

Erk:...I want to burn this, but I can't, so I'll just bash it. KENT AND FARINA? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? IT'S SO GENERIC, IT'S GA...HEY!(gets maimed by a Haro)

Lacus: BAD MR.PINK!

Kuro: Just so you all know, the title, Men on Asses (Donkeys), is a parody of the movie called Men In Tights. Just so you know.

MEN ON ASSES

Chapter 1: Breaking the News

And the old man said, "My children...This is my parting gift..."

I've forgotten everything else after that, except for something like this... "There will be a great evil coming..."

I think it has arrived. As my son, that is. I don't know how I've changed so much over the years; it must be childcare. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I miss having that womanizer around. He was quality entertainment. Looking back, I laugh at the times that I foolishly tried to change his ways, for without him, I wouldn't be where I am right now. Not that it's really a bad thing.

2 years ago:

"Ah, my boon companion, another glorious day, another...precious flower that foolishly tries to hide from my keen eagle-like eyesight amidst the other flowers in a full bloom meadow in spring," a green-armored brunette said. That's my best friend, Sain. The precious flower is a young 16 year old orchid-haired Pegasus knight that is scared of men.

I groggily wiped my eyes to wake myself up. I didn't see Florina, the Pegasus knight I mentioned before, but I saw her sisters Fiora and Farina. I was a bit confused, so I asked him, "Which one? I don't see Florina..."

"You're right, I should have said two!" Sain said. Then he started dragging me towards them, my heel armor clanking on the cold hard dirt as he pulled me. I didn't struggle; I knew this was one of his attempts of setting me up with someone. Needless to say, as I'm still single now, he wasn't very successful.

"Sain..." I began, "if this is another one of your attempts of getting me a lover, I will have no part in this. I just want to go get ready to continue our journey already..."

"Nonsense!" Sain said with a big grin on his face; I just knew it, my suffering never ends.

"Hi Sain! Hi Kent!" the two girls greeted us with happy smiles and sing-song voices; I knew that this was to go away soon, so I just acted as I normally would. But...I was still sleepy, so...

"Morning, ladies," I thought I said, but what I heard come out of my mouth probably sounded like 'Fucking Hades'. I don't really know, but I saw shocked faces after I said it, so that was probably it. Then Farina laughed loudly and Fiora chuckled a bit. Sain soon lost his shock and started chuckling as well.

"Looks like Kent isn't so uptight after all," Farina said quietly as she elbowed her sister; it seemed that she purposely said it loud enough, yet quiet enough, to pretend that she didn't want me to hear that, but that she actually did want me to hear that. Fiora chuckled some more. I must have had a rather confused face, for then, she asked me...

"Kent, what's with you today?"

"I don't know..." I think that came out as 'I hunt ho's' because I kind of made a slithering sound at the end, and everyone looked shocked again. Farina laughed even harder, and said...

"Kent, where did you learn to speak like that?" she asked me with a very curious smile. "You're the gentleman here (chuckle), unless...Sain's been teaching you ghetto talk? Well, I LIKE IT! It's (chuckle) so (chuckle with tears coming out of her eyes) SEXY! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Sain had a look of shock on his face, and said in a hurt voice, "You've heard me talk like that, but you never call ME sexy!" Farina actually fell and laughed harder, spinning on her sides on the spot. I was starting to feel a bit embarrassed and guilty; it was my fault (I guess), and everyone else at camp was looking at us.

Then Wallace, an ex-Caelin knight, came clanking towards our group in his heavy armor. I was a bit worried; most of the time, he usually came to make us go training with him, and we were usually too tired to do anything for the rest of the day after training. The poor Pegasus knights grimaced, and grimaced deeper with each clank. Sain started to pretend that he didn't hear or see Wallace and just whistled around. Like anyone couldn't see through that.

"Hello, lads, ladies," Wallace greeted them. Farina and Fiora just waved back and I said hi to him. Sain continued whistling as if he heard nothing. "I've great news!"

"...You've finally found a seed of a plant that would do great back at your farm, and you wouldn't want to waste it by traveling the continent without a direction in mind so you'd go back to farming?" I asked him hopefully. As I expected, he guffawed loudly...and started laughing like Farina did at my blurred speech. I should have kept my mouth shut.

"Oh...Oh, Kent, my boy," he said as he wiped tears off his eyes (Farina and Fiora were doing the same, and Sain was having a hard time holding back his mirth). "I've even better news! Lyndis told us that since we're going to prepare ourselves for the final battle, I've taken the liberty of training you Pegasus knights and cavaliers in the harsh cold of Ilia." (Sain grimaced at the news) "Say, you're unusually quiet today, Sain, what's wrong with you?"

"Oh..." Sain turned around and started blabbering something inaudible. Damn it, I'm cold, and I want to get back inside my tent to sleep again. Then, he yelled my name into my ear very loudly.

"OH! YEAH! OKAY! WHAT?" I said, surprised. Everybody fell down on the floor and started laughing on their sides. I seriously need to just...shut...up.

"Uh...Wallace," Fiora said, "Pegasus knights are FROM Ilia; we trained there so..."

"Oh, did I say that we're going to sleep in an expensive resort called...The Mist Dragon?" Wallace said slyly.

"The...The Mist Dragon?" Farina repeated the name. "That's...THAT'S...Dear Elimine...You mean...We're going to...We're going to A FREAKING BOOT CAMP?"

Uh oh. That's not good...

"Well, technically, it's not a boot camp," Wallace said light-heartedly with his ever existent grin. "You'll be training under my leadership, as usual, but you'll get excellent SPA treatment from the professional staff there, the best Ilian food that money can buy, the grandest and most luxurious rooms, and there's something for everyone! There are libraries for the studious, Kent, and Fiora, a dancing club (Sain's eyes lit up) for uh...Sain, training under professional chefs for Lowen, and of course...(his eyes flashed) THE, and I repeat, THE Casino. The one with the largest jackpots and prizes with odds so good you couldn't resist betting every single gold piece you have."

"You...You mean...We can go there?" Farina asked him with tears of joy, no doubt waiting to go to the casino. I could almost see gold pieces glowing in her eyes. Wallace nodded. "WHEN ARE WE GOING? WHEN ARE WE GOING?" she asked him as she grabbed him by the collar of his armor and forcefully tried to shake the answer out from him. Of course, you can't really shake Wallace when you weigh probably less than half as much as he does...

"AHAHAHA!" he guffawed and Farina fell off in an instant. "Eager beavers, aren't we? Well, you'll be delighted to know that we'll be heading off tomorrow morning!" I almost fell face first into the ground because of that; I thought I fainted. I fell, instead, into Farina's bosom, face first. Sain's look of shock was worth the pain that followed. I think I saw Fiora chuckling a bit, Farina laughing even harder (she told me later that what she did was reflex), and I heard Wallace's roaring laughter.

Later on that day...

"You're...You're kidding, right?" the faceless one asked Sain and me. Lowen, the faceless one, is called that because his light blue-green hair covered his eyes and all we could see on his face are his nose and mouth. He was as shocked and uneasy as we were when Wallace told us the news. "I...I mean, me and Rebecca...I...buh...we...gah! How could he do this? I heard that his training's even harder than Sir Marcus's!" Lowen panicked. He stood up and ran around screaming until he hit a tree. (I think it's miraculous that he could fight so well yet can't see where he's going most of the time...)

Later on that day...

"You...You're joking..." Florina said timidly to Sain and me. We solemnly shook our heads; even Sain was silent. It was almost like a funeral.

"But...but...I'm...I...ooooooohhh..." Florina fainted. Sain, being the noble hero he is, kneeled down to catch her limp body gracefully.

"She owes me one," he said, licking his lips.

"I'm not even going to ask what," I said.

Next Morning:

"RISE AND SHINE, MY BOON COMPANION!" Sain practically bellowed into my ear. It felt like getting shot in the head by an arrow at point blank range, but it didn't kill me.

I groggily sat up in my sleeping bag and wiped my eyes to adjust to the light. I found myself in a cart being dragged by my horse, Squall, and Sain's horse, Belle.

"...What's going on?" I asked him.

"...THANK ELIMINE YOUR NORMAL SPEECH IS BACK!" he said happily.

"...So what's going on? Why are only Lowen, Wallace, and we going?" I asked him.

"Oh, we decided not to wake the Pegasus knights up, and we let Wallace lead the way."

I had the urge to go jump out of the cart just then. "You...don't you know about Lord Wallace's sense of direction?"

"Well, nobody else knew the actual way..." he started.

"BUT WE'RE HEADING TOWARDS THE WESTERN ISLES!" I shouted, getting the attention of Lowen and Wallace up front. "THERE'S EVEN A SIGN THAT SAYS SO OVER THERE!" I pointed to it. I saw Wallace sheepishly grin and Lowen slap his forehead.

"Hey!" I heard Fiora call from above; she and her sisters were flying high and probably quickly too, as they looked very tired. "Where are you going? Ilia is to the North, not North West!"

This is going to be a loooooong trip. I prayed to Elimine inside that hopefully, I would live past twenty-five.

So, tell me what you think. Probably my first linear-to-the-real-story fic that doesn't have OC's and...as much idiocy.