It was the last place where Nishikino Maki expected to spend Christmas.
"Sorry we can't see the stars," she said. "If this keeps up we might not even see the sunrise."
"Oh, that's perfectly fine! It's enough to just be here with you."
Maki and her old high school friend Minami Kotori sat on the damp dirt, in a clearing on the top of a hill. There was a lake in front of them, and more hills beyond that, but they appeared only as subtle shadows in the night. Lonely streetlights followed the snaking road beneath them, the only lights to be seen. The sounds of the breeze had long since replaced the sounds of cars and crowds. They must have both been hungry, thirsty, and tired, but only Maki had complained. Why did the girl next to her have to be so perfect, Maki thought. Too good for someone like her.
Nishikino Maki's first Christmas Eve in America was spent huddling in her room. The party downstairs was loud, rowdy, quintessentially American in every way. Sounds of laughter and glasses clinking and shouts filtered to the second floor, becoming dim and muffled as they reached Maki's ears. Things could be worse, Maki thought. Things could always be worse.
She had just finished the first semester of grad school at UC Berkeley, and it could have gone better. For example, she could have had a GPA that didn't put her just above the probation cutoff. She could have spoken more than once with her rotation advisor. She could have actually tried to make friends with the other students in her program instead of keeping up her stuck up bitch act all the time. Still, as always, things could have been worse.
Being pampered by her super rich parents for twenty years hadn't prepared her for the real world. Or even the relatively surreal world of grad school. It turned out that even their love and patience for her wasn't unlimited. And her friends? They all traveled on their separate paths through life, chasing after their own dreams like they always promised. Maki was alone, all by herself in a strange country, without any friends to speak of, without any place to call home. But, it could have been worse, she supposed.
It was cold in her room, on the second floor of an old, decrepit, and overpriced townhouse that probably wouldn't survive the next earthquake. The sounds of the revelers downstairs were getting more and more annoying. Exaggerated words. More laughter. Why were they always laughing so much? Didn't they know how annoying it was? Of course, they probably had little to no idea of her existence. Maki grabbed her earbuds and plugged them into her phone. Wait... a message? Probably an advertisement.
"Hi Maki! Sorry about the surprise - I'll be at the Berkeley BART station in 20 minutes. Hope to see you there - Kotori"
She stared at the message for a few seconds, searing it into her eyes as if it could disappear forever at any moment. Was this even real? Wasn' Kotori in Los Angeles? Was this a prank? No, Kotori wouldn't do pranks, right? How did she even find out where Maki was? Oh right, Facebook. Kotori was in Los Angeles, Maki remembered, pursuing her dreams of fashion design or something like that. But why would she come all the way here, of all places? It wasn't the time to be wondering about that. Maki typed a quick "okay" and put on her jeans and jacket. She headed downstairs, awkwardly avoiding the guests, and quietly walked out a back door.
It was a 15 minute walk to the Downtown Berkeley BART Station. Packs of undergraduates prowled the sidewalks, gawking at the gaudy decorations, laughing amongst themselves. The night was cool and the stars were hidden by the clouds. Maki walked quickly even though she was early, stepping around groups of drunk students and the ever-present homeless. She waited for at least five minutes before Kotori emerged from the escalators. As she saw the other girl emerge, Maki's past came crashing back to her, the memories she both cherished and wanted to discard.
"Sorry for suddenly imposing on you!" Kotori's smile made Maki want to melt away in shame. "Did I interrupt anything?"
"Oh, um, my roommates were having a party but it's no problem at all..." Maki looked away and twirled her hair. "Anyway, why did you come here?"
"I'm visiting an acquaintance tomorrow, and I thought I'd just stop by to see you! How are you doing?"
"Oh, I'm, well, it could be a lot worse. I'm in grad school now and it's going great. I'm training to become a scientist."
"Wow! That's wonderful!" Kotori still smiled, but Maki felt that she saw right through her. "I forgot, what are you studying exactly?"
"Molecular and cell biology." Somehow saying these words gave Maki a burst of pride.
"That sounds hard. You're as amazing as always."
"Um, it's really not that hard... So anyway, what did you want to do here?"
"That's up to you! Are there any places around here that are interesting?"
"Oh, um,... " What was there to do in Berkeley? Most of the stores were probably closed. They could always go to San Francisco but that had the same problem. Maki took out her phone and looked at the map, and had an idea. This had to be the worst idea she ever had, but it was Christmas Eve and she was lonely and sad and there was an old friend who would go anywhere she asked and she'd always wanted to do something like this really bad.
"Do you want to go on an adventure? Like, in the wilderness?" Well, not really the real wilderness. As much wilderness as you'd get in a few miles, anyway.
"That sounds fun! Do we need anything first?"
"Yeah. We have to first get some food and water, and we'll also need flashlights and warm clothes. Are you fine in all that? If not I'll get you my clothes. Also are your shoes good for walking? Huh, I guess they are."
"Oh, I think my clothes will be fine. Just lead the way."
They stopped at a convenience store to buy some bottled water, food, a couple of flashlights, an umbrella, a tarp and blankets, and so on. For some reason Maki already had her backpack with her (force of habit, maybe). That was convenient. Too bad it used up half her budget for the week; she still wasn't used to having to think about money.
Maki had plotted their route on her phone. It would take an hour just to walk up to the park. After that, it would take another hour or so to get to the spot she was looking at. That was shorter than she expected, but it would be uphill the whole way. Once she got to that point, well, they would decide what to do once they got there.
"Okay, so are you ready for this?"
"Of course. What are we waiting for?"
The first part of the trip stayed in the city. After bypassing campus, it was all uphill, through winding streets and staircases in the backyards of little houses perched on the hill. Their paths were illuminated by the lights and Christmas decorations that covered the houses. Occasionally Kotori would pull Maki aside and tell her to look at a house that was particularly nicely decorated. Inflatable snowmen and santas and reindeer, imagining a winter in a place that never snowed. Strings of lights like icicles, draped over eaves and wrapped around trees, colored red and green and blue and white. Yellow lights from the inside, illuminating echoes of warm voices and laughter. Maki was a little surprised that no one came out of their houses to question the strangers going through their property.
Maki hadn't forgotten that Kotori was bad at saying no. Maybe that was why she was indulging her ridiculous plan. Maybe that was why she was following her into the middle of the mountains on Christmas Eve instead of spending time with her actual friends and family.
"Hey. Do you think this is fun?", Maki paused to ask.
Kotori smiled. "Yes, of course! I haven't done anything like this before."
She always smiled. Maki almost never smiled.
"Okay, um, that's nice," Maki replied noncommittally.
Maki was already getting exhausted, and they hadn't even walked for an hour yet. She hadn't kept up with exercise during college and grad school.
"Oh, look behind you! It's beautiful! Let's take a picture here!"
Maki turned around and saw the city of Berkeley stretched out beneath them, a field of light leading to the jet-black sea. It was a night without fog, and in the distance she could see the lights of San Francisco like an island of stars stolen from the sky. She turned back, and saw Kotori with her phone out.
"Smile, Maki!"
"Isn't it too dark to take pictures?" That didn't stop Kotori from clicking what seemed like a dozen times on her phone.
"Come on, let's take one together!" As Kotori put her arm around Maki, she almost recoiled. It had been so long since she was this close to another person, at least since she had arrived in America.
"Ow, don't flash! You're not going to get the background! And my eyes hurt." Maki rubbed her eyes, and felt the drip of tears.
"Oh, sorry! But look, the pictures look great!" Even through her blurry vision, Maki could see that they did. The background was clear, the lights in the distance all visible. Her grimace was par for the course.
She felt a little less tired. They continued onward, until they lost of the city, disappeared beyond a ridge. As the road continued, there was the entrance sign to the park, and there seemed to be nothing behind or in front of them but forest. It was dark, and there were no streetlights.
"Maki, I know I should have asked before, but where are we going? This place seems a bit scary."
"Huh? Well, let me check... huh, my phone must be dead. Whatever, it shouldn't be that hard to find the place. Just follow this road." Yes, she remembered the map clearly. They just had to take a left at the next fork, and then keep going, right?
"Okay, but can we hold hands so we don't lose each other?"
"Aaaaah! Don't do that so suddenly!" Maki felt Kotori's bare hands on hers. Wasn't she wearing gloves earlier? Kotori just laughed softly.
They started trudging onwards on the road through the forest, the path illuminated only by their flashlights. The sky was overcast, which was a shame. The stars would have been so beautiful, here where there were no lights from the city to be seen.
"Do you think there are bears or wolves here?", Kotori asked.
"No, of course not. This is basically the middle of a city." Maki remembered the very specific warnings about mountain lions in the brochures. Best not to bring that up.
The road was gently rising and falling, winding around hills and ridges, always surrounded on both sides by what must have been thick layers of vegetation. In a horror movie the ominous music would have started right about then, but in reality it was more boring than anything else, since there was nothing but the darkness around them. As they walked Maki's mind started to wander. She thought of the last time she had done something like this. Probably back in high school, when their school idol group was still together, at her family's place. Part of her wished that she could forget that time, forget that she had ever experienced happiness and friendship, so that she would have never felt the pain of her old friendships slowly fading away. She silently yelled at herself for feeling something so ridiculous.
By the time they arrived at the fork she was already getting tired again. Still she carried on. For Kotori's sake she had to pretend to know what was going on.
"Are we supposed to turn left here?"
"Yes, left." Kotori was still holding Maki's hand as they turned and started down the road.
"I didn't know there was a place like this so close to the city," Kotori said, pulling Maki closer. "It's really amazing. Have you ever been here before?"
"Well, no. It's my first time too." Maki could feel Kotori's shoulders brushing against hers. "We don't have to be so close together. It's hard to walk like this."
"Aww, alright."
"No, um, you can still hold my hand..."
Kotori chuckled, and took hold of Maki's hand once more. It was beginning to feel less strange, comforting, even. Now they walked in silence. The scenery began to open up. Beyond the grassy hills the horizon faintly glowed with the lights of the cities beyond. It was still too hard to see anything without their flashlights. Once or twice Maki thought she saw eyes glowing in the brush. Perhaps that was just her imagination. Maybe she was already getting dizzy from being tired and hungry - did she even have dinner that night? What did dinner even mean when you got up at 3PM?
"Are you tired, Maki? Should we take a break?" It was as if Kotori could read her mind.
"Yeah, that would be nice."
There was a clearing by the side of the road, where they laid their tarp. Maki pulled the food out of her backpack. They didn't have tomatoes at the convenience store, so she got the next best thing, a big jug of V8 tomato juice. It was heavy; no wonder she was so tired. She opened it and guzzled straight from the jug.
"Is this the only drink we have besides water?"
"Yeah, do you want some?"
Kotori smiled and shook her head. It must have been the 'I think you're a weirdo but it's funny so I'm not going to say anything' smile. "I think I'm just going to eat some snacks."
Maki was hungry. She wolfed down a tuna sandwich with her V8, and a bag of chips. "What? Why are you laughing?"
"Oh, was I laughing? Hehe. The way you eat has changed."
"What do you mean?" Maki shone her flashlight towards Kotori's face.
"Hey, stop that!" Kotori's eyes were closed as she nibbled on a granola bar, her face placid. Why did this girl always have to be so enigmatic, Maki wondered.
She laid down on the tarp and stared at the sky. It was still overcast, but she could still remember where the constellations would be. How long had it been since she had last looked at the stars in earnest?
After they finished eating and packed up, they continued down the road. They walked in silence, with nothing but the sounds of their footsteps. Maki wanted to say something, felt as if the other girl was expecting her to say something to break the stillness of the night. She had to say something, anything at all.
"Um, how are you doing?" She chided herself for asking such a banal question.
"I'm doing pretty well. My job is in costume design so I get to work on all sorts of interesting projects. Working on our costumes from Muse was really helpful."
"Uh, that's great."
"Yeah! You were really inspirational to me. You always seemed so confident and so talented at everything you did. I wished I could be like you." Maki didn't know what to say, so she started to walk faster. Kotori was still holding her hand, and it felt a bit more awkward.
She continued to walk, heady with anxiety. The road continued without any branches for a while, or so she remembered. It was too dark to see anything apart from the circles of light painted with their flashlights, pointing ahead to make sure they don't step off a cliff. The air was getting colder, and even through her jacket Maki felt chills as the breeze passed around her. She could see her breath form little white clouds. Once in a while she glanced at Kotori, the latter looking like an apparition in the darkness, a ghostly figure illuminated from the front.
"Really, though, why did you come here? Who were you going to visit?" Maki's voice sounded cacophonous amidst the silence.
Kotori ignored the question, and pulled Maki closer. Maki felt warmer, but her mind was even more clouded by anxiety. What was Kotori thinking? Could she really have come all the way here just for her? What would that mean, even? Maki pondered hypotheticals, while trying to suppress any hope she had. Did Kotori notice that she was playing with her hair again?
"Look, there's another fork ahead. Which way do we go now?" Kotori's words brought Maki back to the reality that she had no idea where they were.
"Um, do you have your cell phone?"
"Yeah. I charged it on the plane."
"Oh thank god." Maki took Kotori's cell phone and opened the maps app. Of course the GPS was working; this wasn't the actual wilderness. "Um, it says the park exit is to the right, and I think the place is just outside the park exit, so, do you want to walk around some more or just stop here?"
"Let's keep on going. It hasn't been so long."
"Okay. There's a trail around here. Do you want to take it?"
"Sure!"
They had only walked five miles, but to Maki it felt longer. It was mostly steep uphills, but still. She was really out of shape. Kotori seemed even more fit than back in high school. She was probably exercising. Why did everyone seem to have their lives in order except her?
The trail wound against the side of a hill, with woods on one side and an open expanse on the other. The first part was paved, which was nice. There was enough light to make out the outlines of power pylons in the distance, and more hills and mountains beyond. If they had gone here while there was still daylight, it would have been so beautiful. Maki wished they could have seen the green rolling hills, the trees and lake and blue sky, the warm glow of the sun on a cool day. But this wasn't so bad either. She was here with her friend, and no one else, in a place isolated from all the troubles that plagued her. So why did Maki feel like she was about to cry?
"Um, Maki? I feel like there's something you've been wanting to talk about." Kotori slowed down and tugged at Maki's hand.
"Huh? Um, no, not really." Maki turned away from Kotori. "Why would you think that?"
"It's because, well, I can't really say. It's just that I feel like you're holding on to something."
"It's the first time we meet in years and you want to hear me complain? Really? Why don't you go first?"
"No, it's fine." Kotori leaned her head against Maki, and stopped talking. Maki regretted her outburst. Why was it so hard for her to just speak honestly? Why did the other girl have to be so nice towards her? What was Kotori really thinking, beneath her ever-present smile? Maki pushed these questions aside, and held on tighter to Kotori's hand. It was enough that they were together at this moment. Everything else could wait.
The trail was approaching the top of a ridge. There were no trees around any more, just the outlines of shrubs and bushes and grass. Past the hill patches of lights shone beyond a black expanse. Was it San Francisco? Maki had lost all sense of direction. She couldn't think of anything except for the woman beside her, leaning way too close.
"Do you want to stop here?", Kotori asked. "I'm getting a little tired."
"Yeah, sure. Did you want to keep going or just stay here for the night?"
"Let's stay here. It would be nice to see the sunrise.
"Yeah. It would be."
"Look, do you think that's Santa?", Kotori asked as she pointed at the blinking lights of an airplane overhead.
"Do you still think I believe in Santa? I'm 23 years old."
Kotori laughed. "The more you change, the more you stay the same."
"What does that even mean?"
"Oh, nothing."
The two of them rested on their backs on the thin mat, with a blanket draped over them. They would sleep in their clothes, but it was still cold. Kotori moved in closer, so that her whole body was touching Maki. It was strange. Everything that happened that night was surreal, as if it were happening to someone else who shared her body, as if she herself was just an observer watching someone else's life. It couldn't have been real. It couldn't have been happening to her. But what if it was? What if...
"So, um, was this a date?"
Kotori laughed. "Do you want this to be a date?"
"Um..."
"Let's think about this in the morning. I'm tired."
"Okay. Thanks."
Before she closed her eyes, Maki took one last glance at the sky. It was still a uniform dome of blackish gray, with thick clouds reflecting the glare of the cities beneath. She hoped it wouldn't rain. Beneath the blanket Kotori still held her hand. Maki moved free, and tears formed in her eyes. It was strange, how it all turned out. Tomorrow, things would change. Perhaps they already had.