Diary of a lover
Hermione sits in her bed after a long day. Draco got her diary and read it out load. Everything she had ever felt about him was in this book. Why, why had she written? But she had to, she had to write what was on her mind if she didn't she would go insane. She already cuts herself it is the only way to deal with the pain. Here is an entry, one of the last, from her diary you might not understand how she feels unless you go thought the same thing. All of the entries in here diary is in poem form and not dated. The diary is personal and privet to her but the one person she didn't ever want to get there hands on it got it. Here you go, here is all her pain...
Why, how, can I trust you?
You think you know what is going on in my life,
you don't.
you think you can help me,
you can't
No one has yet
why do you think you will be the first,
the first to push threw
the first to see the real me
you can't
you wont
you never will
never will save me
never will help me
I'm a good liar,
a good player
you think I'm happy
once and a while yes
school is save
or was
was until you
now the only thing that is safe is this book
the book you take
the book you read
but still the book doesn't talk
doesn't try to be nice
it is just here
here to comfort
here to guide
you will be the first to know
the first to read this
the first to maybe understand
it is what I want
I want help
I need help
but how
how can I except it
It might be a trick
I might be lied to
made fun of
kicked to the ground
stepped on
I don't know why
but I trust you
just in the slightest bit
just enough to let you read this
let you read the thoughts,
the insecurities,
the feelings,
I shouldn't trust you
I don't trust them
not my friends,
why are you there
why are you to be the only
only one that reads this
my God
am I insane
I must be
I want help
need it even
but to ask
to tell
to show fear
weakness
hope.
I can't
I can't do it
will I really let you read this
I don't know
can I trust you
should I trust you
I want help
yet
I don't want anyone to know
my life is better
better then it was
better then it has ever been
but still
still there is abuse
pain, suffering, and hope
I can't have these
These thoughts
the thoughts that tell me to trust
to hope to pray
I have tried
tried to pray
but I don't trust God
How can I, he hurt me
hurt me bad
he took away my family,
made them mean, cruel, cold hearted
he made me trust, hope, love
all of the emotions that kill
God
I am stupid
just like they say
just like everyone says
you wonder
wonder who abuses me
to bad I can't tell
never will
I can't stand it
I can't stand being true,
open, unprotected
But I have to talk
have to let it out
I can't live with it forever
I need help
someone who understands
but you
why you
how can I trust you
you made my haven hell
I know I helped
I gave you the tools
but that is who I am
I try to hurt myself
why
so when someone hurts me it won't be painful
not as painful as it could be
again I ask
why do I trust you
should I trust you
why can I trust you
trust leads to pain
pain leads to crying
crying leads to abuse
and abuse leads to more pain
will you ever read this
probably not
and if so
don't tell
don't tell them who I am
what I do
how I cry
I trust you, and you alone
but why, how
you might read this
if you do I am sorry
sorry for everything
I didn't mean to
to put you in this position
I am truly sorry
please if you want
ignore me, pretend I'm not here
one day I wont
wont be here
here to screw everything up
here to cry
here to trust
I wish I was different
but I'm not
My life is a movie
a tragic movie
when will it be over
who knows
noone cares
I'm sorry again
sorry for putting this all on you
I'm sure I will soon be gone
gone from myself,
from the pain I have inflected
sorry for those I have broke
you wont ever be the same
same as you were before you read this
before you read about me
and I'm sorry
sorry to do that to you
I can't name you
you can never be in here
never
never in this self pity
hate everything
everything about me
but I can't help it
the pain is self inflected
all of it
and still
still I have pity
I shouldn't
I hate people with self-pity
So I hate myself
I'm sorry
sorry for everything
sorry for throwing it all out there
tell, tell everyone if you want
I wont be here tomorrow if you do
I can't handle it
can't handle all the looks
the stairs
so you have my life in your hands
all of it
to do with as you please
and I am sorry
sorry for the load
sorry for everything
sorry that I trust you
and you alone
and yet all I can say is sorry
I can't take it back
take back what I have said
what I have done
and I am sorry
God I hate that word
what does it mean anyway
sorry, sorry, sorry
sorry I killed you
sorry I took your life away
sorry I raped you
sorry, sorry, sorry
this is all I can say
all I can do
why, how can I trust you