Daunted.

A Squid fic.

By Aly the Wheelerchick

Disclaimer(s): song lyrics are Linkin Park's. Squid, Holes, and all other related characters and items are Louis Sachar's and some other people that aren't me.

Important author notes: So. I see the movie Holes, and even though Zigzag is my utmost favorite character (followed by Magnet), Squid had one line in the movie that has been nagging me in the back of my head all week. You know the line where he says, "Yeah. And maybe my mom'll stop drinkin, and my dad'll come home." So I wrote a fic inspired by that line, because I know exactly how Squid feels.

Onward fic.

I don't want to be the one the battles always choose

Cause inside I realize that I'm the one confused

Every night it was always the same. Armpit fell asleep first. Or maybe Zero did, no one was completely sure of it. But whatever the case, Armpit still fell asleep early, and still snored the loudest, and it left everyone else moaning until they fell asleep.

Squid rolled onto his left side, and pulled the sheets up to his chin. Then he rolled onto his stomach. But the sheets got all tangled up, so he had to roll back onto his back and adjust the sheets. And then the pillow was hurting his head, so he reached behind his head and punched it till it was soft again. And just when he closed his eyes, he realized just how uncomfortable twisted pajamas were, and the constant snoring from Armpit only adds to it.

He felt himself shake and whimper, only because he was fed up. He'd had it. He was so tired and so hungry and so thirsty and so angry and so stressed that his body was having a physical breakdown. And he could bearly keep his tough-guy facade on much longer. He would silently scream into his pillow, and even into the hot, still air. Then he'd pretend to rip the bed sheets into a thousand cloth pieces.

And then he'd fall into an uneasy sleep.

Only to wake up about an hour or so later, and he'd realize that he'd had one of those semi-reoccurring nightmares again about his mom, and sometimes even his dad, though they changed a little every time he had them. And he'd realize he actually, physically cried in his sleep. He could only pray that his sobs weren't too loud, and no one, not even Zero, heard them.

But before he can realize it this time, tonight, the room is completely silent.

Armpit's snoring had stopped.

"Was that Ziggy or Squid?" X-Ray's voice fills the air now, and no one answers. Squid is lying completely still. So still he could be mistaken as dead. He doesn't even breathe.

But then Zigzag ends up ruining everything, by saying, "X, that wasn't me."

"Well then, Squid, that had to have been you. You're the only person who's voice I could mistake as Zig's."

And it seems a silent eternity later when Magnet finally said, "look, he ain't gonna talk, man," his thick Mexican accent was heavy with sleep.

"Well he better!" Armpit says, then adds, "who all's awake anyway?"

"Just me, you, X, and Zig, I think," Magnet replies, "Zig may've even fell back asleep-"

But then Zigzag interrupts, "No, I'm awake." Leaving Magnet to continue, "and Squid has to be awake too. Caveman is sleepin. Caveman you sleepin?" when there is no answer, Magnet simply states, "I guess so." And before Squid could help himself, he exhales a breath he was holding, and he whimpers slightly as he does so, instantly wishing he could escape the camp….and the entire universe at that, but he knows that not even Houdini could pull that one.

He can hear the other four of the awake guys talking, Magnet and X-Ray doing most of the talking, with Armpit just asking some stupid questions here and there. But then he realizes he's just hearing their voices, and not listening to what they're actually saying. Finally X-Ray yells, "SPILL IT, SQUID."

"…what is this, some fucking revolution?" Squid says, and he knows that's rude to say, but X-Ray is a tough guy and doesn't refrain from being rude to him either, so he shrugs the feeling off. "Why do you suddenly care about me? Why ain't you laughing your balls off at me?"

"Because, Squid, contrary to popular belief, I do care about you sometimes. You, Pit, Zigs, and Magnet at least, cause you guys are my homies. Spill what's wrong, cause you don't cry fo' no reason, man."

"Nothin, just my allergies," he says, trying to put back on the façade. He knows it's useless though because X-Ray got his name for a reason. He knows he can see right through him and his stupid-ass excuse.

"Denied Squid, try again," X-Ray says cockily, "don't play this mind game shit with me."

"Or me," agrees Magnet. "Or me," adds Zigzag and Armpit too.

Squid sighs. He figures that maybe he doesn't have to spill everything. Maybe he can just tell them the minimum and they'll shut up happily.

Fat chance.

But worth a try.

"It really is nothing. I just keep having this reoccurring nightmare, alright?"

There's another moment of silence and then Armpit asks, "What's a ree-o-curring?" and Zigzag snaps, "it means he keeps having the same nightmare over and over, numbnuts."

"So what happens?" X-Ray asks, and Squid just sighs, "I don't wanna talk about it," and hopes that they'll respect his wish and leave him to wallow in his own self-pity. "You wouldn't understand it anyway."

"Try us, Squiddy," Armpit replies.

"I don't wanna."

"C'mon Squid," Zigzag whines, and X-Ray commands him to talk.

And he gives in, rolling onto his stomach with his face in the pillow, and his voice semi-muffled, says, "Most of the time is about my mom drinkin. Usually we're in a car, and she's trying to drive when she's all buzzed up and we get in a wreck, or I gotta try to convince her to pull over cause she's buzzed. S'happened before. Then she usually hits me, an' yells at me. And then I gotta find a pay phone and call my grandma or someone to come pick us up." He stops talking, trying to hold back a sob.

"What else?" X-Ray asks, "there's more to it than that, ain't it? I know you Squid, you hold back a lot more than you let on." Squid responds with a slight "mm mmm". And then Magnet says, "just let it out, man."

"Alright, here it goes," Squid whispers, his voice still semi-muffled, "I've dreamed the times I've found her passed out in the bathroom, or pukin up all the liquor and shit. If you've never experienced your mother passed out in the bathroom from alcohol poisoning, it's scariest thing in the world. I dream all those fucking times she's thrown bottles of bourbon at my head. I think that's the reason my dad left her. She spent all his money on the hard shit and blamed it on me. So he left both of us one day after sayin he was gonna go to the store or something. I dunno. I dream all the fights they had that they just blame me for everything cause it's easier for them to pretend everything's my fault. It's always like that. I'm so fucking sick of it. I don't even care if I ever go back to sleep again." His voice is quivering violently as speaks, and tears are leaking out of his eyes into the starchy fabric of the pillow.

"….are you crying, Squid?" Armpit asks, quietly.

"SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE!" he screams, "I TOLD YOU WHAT YOU WANTED TO KNOW, NOW JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!" he's becoming hysterical now, though trying everything within his power to stop it, he can't. He can't keep himself from crying.

"It's okay, Squid," X-Ray says, "just cry, man. Get it all out."

The rest of the guys take turns comforting him, and he doesn't respond because he doesn't know how to react to all the….love. The only "love" he ever got in his life before was from Pendanski, and that kind of love is just kind of terrifying. In between two sobs he manages to whisper, "thanks, guys," and then he coughs a little bit.

"Hey, cause you know we're always here for you, man," X-Ray says, with the rest of them agreeing. "I know," Squid replies, still crying, but he at least manages to roll over and pull himself into a sitting upright position. He gasps, a little startled to see the other four of them sitting at the foot of their cots, except Zigzag, who's laying on the foot of his cot, with his arms dangling over the edge of it. Squid glances around at their shadowy outlines, and then his eyes rest on a sleeping figure on his diagonal left. The rest of the guys watch him, as he slightly sneers, looks down, and then mutters, "I hate him."

"Huh?" asks Armpit, "Caveman?"

"Why do you hate Caveman?" asks Zigzag. He and Magnet glance at X-Ray, and Magnet asks, "You know what he's talking loco about?".

X-Ray doesn't answer him though. He just states, "cause you jealous, Squid."

"I ain't jealous."

"Yeah you are."

"No, I just get pissed when idiots take what they've got for granted."

"In other words, you jealous. Why you try to argue with me?"

Squid doesn't say anything. He just listens to Magnet, Armpit, and Zig debate over what they just said.

"X-Ray, what you talkin bout, Squid ain't jealous!" Magnet says.

"Well I dunno," Zigzag continues, "Caveman's got alotta stuff."

"Nah, Squid woulda yelled at Caveman by now about that," says Armpit.

"Maybe he already did," replies Zig.

"No, I don't think so," Magnet says unsurely, "maybe X-Ray doesn't mean like….actual stuff."

"Well then what DOES he mean?!" whines Armpit, "You know X, you can jump in here any time instead of makin us three play guessing games!"

"I think Magnet's right-," Zig says slowly.

"Yeah, and pigs are gonna fly out of my butt."

"Ah. That's a scary thought," Zig answers with a long pause in the middle of his sentence, "anyway, I think Magnet's right. I mean we're talkin about Squid's family here, not all the things Squid owns."

"So what's your point?"

"Maybe Squid's jealous of Caveman's mom or somethin, I dunno. It's just a guess. I mean, Caveman's the only one of us whose mom still writes to 'im."

"Bingo," says X-Ray, and then he adds, "Jealous hatred."

"I thought Bingo was that song about a Farmer who had a cow or something," Zigzag questions.

"Not that bingo!" Magnet yells, and then X-Ray says, "Zig, just when I think you're actually quite intelligent when you try to use your brain….you say somethin like this."

Squid stays silent, though he can't stand the other guys talking about his personal life like he's some kind of celebrity. He never liked attention much. But he figures its his own damn fault any of this is taking place in the first place. Then he sighs and says, "How can I not hate him? Him readin his letters, laughin about it in front of me. Yeah. Spread the fucking love someplace else."

"Squid, my mom would never do that either, so don't think you're the only that feels that way," Armpit tires to comfort him, but it just makes him feel worse.

"At least your mom has the ability to do it. My mom can't even remember how to use a goddamn pen. Much less write me a letter."

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah….I know," he says, and then lays back down, and whacks his head on his pillow. Then he pulls the covers over his head and mutters, "Whatever. Dammit. I've kept you guys up all night, haven't I? Mom'll be blowin the horn any minute. Watch." And then, God, I'm such a stupid retard, he thinks to himself, and then wishes the whole night never happened.

But it did happen and he knows that, and he also knows that he can only live in the present, because there's no use living in the past or the future.

"You hear me, Squid?" X-Ray asks.

"What."

"Just don't worry about us, man," Magnet takes over for him, and he yawns, "Just take care of yourself is all we're sayin."

"I'm tryin," he sighs.

"Just take it one day at a time," adds Zigzag. Then there's a pause and X-Ray says, "See? I know you was intelligent when you used that brain! Now don't go saying something stupid on me…."

And they all give a slight laugh for the first time all night, even Squid, who then says, "Sometimes I think without you guys I'da came here and killed myself. I know I'm a bastard about it most of the time but……I guess I really do appreciate all your concern."

And in the shadows of the early morning before dawn has even come yet, X-Ray smiles and says, "There you go holding back more than you'll ever let on."

"Well…I guess the five of us is in this together, eh?" Armpit says.

"Most definitely," agrees Magnet.

And as the boys hear Pendanski's loud footsteps coming toward their tent to sound the horn for them to wake up and start their holes, Zigzag says, "Yeah. Cause nothin, not even Caveman's stupid letters, can tear us down."