CHASING MAVERICKS: AN ABRIDGED SCRIPT
VOICE OVER
GERARD BUTLER
"All underdog movies come from a basic formula, but not all underdog movies stick with that basic formula. Some deviate, and those are usually the ones that do not suck. This one does not budge even a millimeter from the designated formula, but it also does not suck because it has SURFING. I mean, SURFING! How can you possibly go wrong?
MAVERICK AUDIENCE MEMBER
"Well, surfing's cool, but don't you also need to worry about PLOT, BELIEVABLE MOTIVES, CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT, WITTY DIALOGUE: all those other things, too?"
GERARD BUTLER
"Shh!"
Ext. AN OCEANSIDE CLIFF
HARLEY GRAHAM
"COOPER, it's time to go. I know you're the WAVE WHISPERER, but me and my adorable puppy are getting tired."
ADORABLE PUPPY
"Time to inject some DRAMA into the script, so I'll dash headlong just as a BIG ASS WAVE comes hurtling toward us."
COOPER TIMBERLINE tries to herd the puppy back to safe land and falls in. Oops!
After a tension-filled five minutes of the waves pounding the rocks, GERARD BUTLER appears with COOPER TIMBERLINE on his surfboard.
GERARD BUTLER
"Are you nuts, kid? What would your parents say if they knew you almost drowned?"
COOPER TIMBERLINE
"Oh don't worry. My dad has abandoned me and ELISABETH SHUE, my mom, who is lying comatose on the couch in an alcoholic stupor as we speak. It's safe to say they're not going to be real upset."
GERARD BUTLER
"Well, don't come looking to me for a FATHER FIGURE. I can't even parent my own munchkins."
Ext. A BEACH
COOPER TIMBERLINE
"Well, as long as my mom isn't there for me, and my dad's vamoosed, I might as well learn how to surf."
STANDARD ISSUE BEST FRIEND
"Why don't I teach you how, and we can be friends forever, until I develop a drug habit and become an obnoxious, backstabbing a-hole?"
COOPER TIMBERLINE
"Whatever. I just wanna surf."
COOPER TIMBERLINE paddles out and catches a magical time traveling wave that turns him into JONNY WESTON, who can really surf.
STANDARD ISSUE BEST FRIEND
"There's nothing in the world like surfing, huh? Unless it's getting high."
JONNY WESTON
"I get all the highs I need on my board."
STANDARD ISSUE BULLY
"Hi, loser. Looks like we meet again."
JONNY WESTON
"I shall not judge either of you, for I am pure and noble of heart. Although I do have some simmering anger which I will promptly vent on my mom's ABUSIVE BOYFRIEND."
He does just that. The whole neighborhood turns out to watch, including GERARD BUTLER.
GERARD BUTLER
"Boy does that kid need a FATHER FIGURE. Too bad, I have absolutely no skills in that department."
Ext. A DESERTED BEACH
From behind a sand dune, JONNY WESTON watches four hunky men in wetsuits congregate - no, not that. This is a totally PG-film. They are there to surf!
GERARD BUTLER
"OK, you guys apparently don't rate names, you're just the MAGNIFICENT THREE. Let's surf!"
They do. JONNY WESTON watches in awe.
Later
GERARD BUTLER
"Kid, what the hell are you doing here? This is a super-secret place that only superior surfers know about - because any mere mortal who tries to surf here will DIE."
JONNY WESTON
"Can you teach me how to surf the mighty MAVERICK just like you, please, please, with sugar on top?"
GERARD BUTLER
"No! Do you not grasp the concept of deadly danger?"
JONNY WESTON
"I'm a TEENAGER. Duh!"
GERARD BUTLER
"Touche!"
JONNY WESTON
"Plus, you're a DAD without any TEEN BOYS, and I'm a TEEN BOY without a DAD/MENTOR. Do you really think we're not destined to become a match?"
GERARD BUTLER
"Nah, I was just messing with you. But first, you gotta get your mom to sign a permission slip, and second, in true MOVIE MENTOR fashion, you gotta do everything I tell you without an argument."
JONNY WESTON
"Cool!"
GERARD BUTLER
"OK. In true movie fashion, we have a limited amount of time in which to prepare. So I'm going to ask you to write me an essay
JONNY WESTON
"Right, sharpen my writing skills! That'll help when I'm facing an eighteen foot tsunami wave. Couldn't I just wax your board? I bet I could learn valuable skills from that, too."
GERARD BUTLER
"If student does not shut up and do as he's told, the master will be very angry."
Int. GERARD'S HOME
GERARD BUTLER
"I don't believe this. I asked you to write an essay about observing what's in front of you, and you wrote about a girl."
ABIGAIL SPENCER (his wife)
"Go easy on him, okay? He just opened up his heart, and you stomped all over it."
GERARD BUTLER
"OK, maybe I was too harsh, but from now on, focus on the waves."
JONNY WESTON'
"Got it. Hey, can I do it to a cool soundtrack? None of this lame "Walking on Sunshine" crap, please."
GERARD BUTLER
"Just to prove the filmmakers have a sense of humor, we'll put on a former hit by the BUTTHOLE SURFERS."
JONNY WESTON
"Uh…I thought this wasn't that kind of…."
GERARD BUTLER
"No, idiot, the lyrics that the audience can hear mesh perfectly with the movie's THEME. Plus it goes nicely with the all early-nineties' soundtrack."
JONNY WESTON
"Got it."
Ext. A BOAT
GERARD BUTLER
"You panicked! How could you be such an idiot?"
JONNY WESTON
"Well, we were about to become shark bait. So my wetsuit got….a little wetter, if you catch my drift."
GERARD BUTLER
"Listen up. Panic is bad, but fear is good. Fear means you are aware of your feelings and thus can choose to act differently, but panic sucks because it's pure instinct, which leaves no room for intelligent action."
JONNY WESTON
"OK, I have no idea what you mean, but it sounds enigmatic and profound."
GERARD BUTLER
"Excellent! Now back to work."
Ext. A SKATEBOARD PARK
JONNY WESTON
(sees bullies lounging around with Standard Issue Best Friend)
"Where's the rest of the Cobra Kai?"
STANDARD ISSUE BEST FRIEND
"Dude, your pop culture references are lame."
STANDARD ISSUE BULLY
"Your musings about girls and waves are lame, too. I read your notebook, which STANDARD ISSUE BEST FRIEND helpfully showed me."
JONNY WESTON
(turns to go)
"Grrr! I'll show you!"
EXT. A GRAVESITE
JONNY WESTON
"I'm really sorry about your wife, ABIGAIL SPENCER'S dying. Though I bet that this is the last character the audience expected to pass on, considering she never even picks up a surfboard."
GERARD BUTLER
"Thanks. Boy this is a downer, virtually the only character in this film who resembled a convincing adult dying, but well, why don't we take in the lesson that life is short and must be lived to the furthest and move on to the big day?"
JONNY WESTON
"If you say so."
Int. JONNY'S HOME
ELISABETH SHUE
"Happy birthday, honey! I made you some breakfast. Here's the money I borrowed off you, and by the way, here's the WEATHER RADIO you've been saving up for. By the way, I totally know all about your desire to surf the MAVERICKS, and I'm okay with it! How's that for dumping a ton of surprises on you?"
JONNY WESTON
"My mom's been taken over by a pod person. But hey, I am essentially a compassionate and caring soul, so I'll go with it without dumping all my residual resentment and just be genuinely pleased."
ELISABETH SHUE
"I'm afraid that watching you risk your life would freak me out too much, so I can't be there watching tomorrow. But good luck!"
JONNY WESTON
"Aw, I bet you'll rush in at the very last minute anyway."
ELISABETH SHUE
"No, honey, that's about the only cliché this movie will avoid."
Ext. THE BEACH OF DOOM
GERARD BUTLER
"Okay, the gang's all here. Remember, whatever happens out there, I love you - like a father."
JONNY WESTON
"I love you, too! By the way, in case I don't make it, here's a letter which expresses my feelings in a more detailed, heartfelt way."
STANDARD ISSUE BEST FRIEND
"Hey…"
JONNY WESTON
"Even though you've been a dick for most of the movie, you did teach me to surf. So thanks. Now before the movie exceeds its heart-warming scene quota, I'm gonna surf!"
JONNY paddles out with a bunch of others. The waves are a JAZILLION feet high. They are FIERCE. They are something most people wouldn't consider even dipping a toe into unless they were COMPLETELY HIGH or DERANGED. They are also really COOL METAPHORS.
BYSTANDER
(real line)
"Someone's gonna die out there!"
GERARD BUTLER
"That is, hands down, the least necessary line of dialogue, ever delivered."
JONNY disappears. We see his board being tossed about by the waves. It is DRAMATIC.
JONNY reappears, sans board. He paddles over to the rescue boat.
RESCUE GUY
"Jeez, kid, thank god you're okay."
JONNY WESTON
"Whatever. Gimme my board back. I'm here to surf!"
He does. It is AWESOME because he manages to snag a wave that produces at least FIVE MINUTES of dramatic riding with no wipeouts whatsoever.
GERARD BUTLER
(voiceover)
"Yes, this is very inspirational. However, I regret to say that the real life character that this is based on, died in a surfing accident five years later. You hear that, all those audience members who are thinking about googling "How can I get started surfing?" after the movie? Even this awesome prodigy had a fatal accident…."
AUDIENCE MEMBERS
"This is, hands down, the most depressing movie ending ever."
END