Author's Notes: This is a very personal peice for me, one that I felt compelled to right. I was sitting here in front of my computer and something told me I needed to write, though I haven't for a while and had no clue what, though I wanted it to have something to do with God. I was thinking of a different type of fic than this, but didn't have anything. In the end, I believe this is what God wanted me to write this. And I thank Him for getting me to do it. And I feel that it's all gonna be okay, but still, we all need prayer.
Courtney dropped to the floor, leaned against the counter, and covered her face with her hand as she felt her eyes begin to water as she started sobbing uncontrollably. The thoughts were coming, again! Just when she was feeling fine, just when she was feeling normal, just when she thought everything was okay…
And then they came. One at a time; slowly at first, only annoying her a bit. But soon they overcame her.
They were horrible! She could hardly just ignore them, but countering them made things worse. Because every time she did, her defense would be turned against her. Her mind would be in circles for such a long time, clouding her with confusion, doubt, and tears.
She wanted to honor God – Him and only him! And yet it seemed that she found it harder and harder, with those blasphemous phrases going through her head. They even invaded her prayers! Sometimes, Satan's name would even come to her mind in the place of her Saviour's.
Oh that devil! There were times when she could almost feel his presence, feel him trying to bring her down, and did he ever seem strong. Then again the schoolyard bully always does, until one realizes that when it comes down to it, somehow, they're the weakest of all. But that fact is hard to believe when the bully is towering above you and you're frozen in fear because you know what's coming.
In this case, though, Courtney had a Friend that towered over the devil, and he was there beside her. That was one thought that comforted her.
However, sometimes she found it hard to remember that He was
there. But how is one to remember, when one is so unworthy of that Friendship
and they can feel it? How is one to praise God, when they get frustrated
easily? She had begged Him again and again to help her, and although sometimes
relief came, it didn't last. She knew that he worked n his own time, and knew
timing better than she, but that didn't stop her venting at Him, or thinking of
trying some other route, or just giving up.
But then of course, His love for her would come like a
whisper to remind her, to convict her, and she would praise Him once more.
Or she'd just feel more lost, more guilty, more worthless.
He loves her still, and will pick her back up. But what about when she somehow falls again? Sin comes easy for her. She loves God, or at the very least wants to, but showing it is so hard.
Some encouragement will come, but then of course there's the devil still lingering, taunting, contradicting. His specialty is doubt. Somehow he always finds a way to make her doubting, confused, and afraid.
And in her desperation she calls out for Jesus, trying so hard to cling to the slightest bit of hope! Hope to get out of the seemingly never-ending cycle that leaves her hopeless! Sometimes it seems so far away, and others so close!
This particular time, this particular night, Courtney finds it in the thought that He chose death over not having her. But there's still a trace of remembrance of a time when even that hope was hard to find, and fear that it'll come again. Her enemy's still there raging for a battle.
But her God has already won. She just has to believe. She needs His help, which He will provide.
R&R