He was a particular kind of guy. There were some things he likes and dislikes, it was just well, him. He likes vanilla cupcakes but the smell of it to him win a candle form doesn't do justice to the sweet. He likes it when his watermelon is unseeded and just slightly sour. He dislikes the feel of a gel deodorant underneath is arms because it's too darn cold for in the morning and stains his precious graphic shirts.

One thing he hates doing is thinking about the far future. Phil didn't usually dwell on the present for the simple fact that he didn't want to think about it. He was more of a live in the moment kind of guy so when his evidential future came, he wanted none of it. The nights where his mind thought long and hard about his future it would keep him up for the entire night and suffocated his brain into thinking about the inevitable future.

Phil collapsed on his own bed with a huge heave of a sigh. Tomorrow will be his thirty-fourth birthday and for some reason the idea of him turning another age bothered him immensely. He sighed.

Wonder what tomorrow will be

He wasn't sure what was really the matter with him recently. He has been thinking about his place in life lot lately, in six more years he would be forty years old.

Most people his age were content with life. He wanted something else in life other than being a Youtuber; he didn't want to forever be known for his branding of cat whiskers and his right fringe. He just didn't know exactly what he wanted in his life exactly, he just knew that empty feeling he had been harbouring lately meant that something was missing in his life.

Phil let out a sigh and he shut his eyes. He didn't want to think about this but he had to. Phil allowed himself to dive deep into his thoughts, trying to desperately search for the answer to what he was looking for. Frustrated, he shifted to his side and grabbed one of his many multicolored pillows and pressed his face into it.

Letting out a muffled yell, his flushed cheeks pressed against the fabric of the pillow. Consciously, he greatly appreciated the coolness of the pillow, he had always enjoyed flipping the pillow to the colder side whenever he was getting overheated or his thoughts were running wild. The coolness of the pillow was gratifying to his heated state and once his mind was cleared enough he shifted back up, and looked up at the ceiling to try to think about what was really bothering him.

He ran a mental checklist of the things he had in life.

It wasn't as if he was in need of a friend, his best friend literally lived with him so he checked off that part of the list.

He didn't need any more attention than he already was given by the brilliant people on the internet that he loved and cherish with his heart. So that aspect of his life was covered.

He had a stable income from youtube itself and he loved making videos so it wasn't that he was necessarily bored with his work, (although the editing does take forever though).

This was something deeper than just a longing for something; it was as if a part of him was missing and he intended to find out what that feeling was.

Phil knew it was loneliness he was feeling. He was sure at least about that, why though, that was the question. He was lonely for something that he couldn't quite be sure to put his fingers on. His mind flashed to what other aspects of his life were missing and in the dark in the middle of the night, after thinking about it all day, it hit him straight in the face.

Phil wanted to hit himself with something. He felt like an absolute idiot for not thinking of this before; all of the times where he had been sitting in public with Dan and had looked up to see all the people that passed by him and always felt his heart drop, it was always the couples that walked by that made his heart sink to his stomach. They looked so content with life as they were obviously in love.

Usually people his age had already settled down and were happily married with maybe a kid or two; yet he had hardly had a real relationship in years. Other than the blind dates that his friends had set up for him and those quick flings that eventually died out on their own, Phil's love life had been a complete flop in recent years.

Phil ran a hand down his face. He hated remembering her but he thought back to his last real relationship.

Her name was Leslie Parker and she was probably one of the most amazing people he had ever had the chance to meet. She was truly an outstanding girl because she was the only one to capture Phil's heart and truly sweep him off his feet. The first time he had saw her, his heart fluttered and his greeting died in his throat.

He had never really had the experiences that romance novels depict about love at first sight. He always scoffed at this because he didn't believe love was superficial but rather a process of what one falls in love with the person over a period of time, but he was damn sure that this girl had completely floored his system with an emotion he hadn't felt before.

What he loved about her was that he could see vividly a bit of himself in her personality. She was kind and was always willing to help someone. They had dated for almost three years and to be perfectly honest, Phil was thinking about asking for her hand in marriage- he had even bought an engagement ring.

Then one day, everything just disappeared. It's like overnight she turned into a different person and she dumped him that day, never once hearing his desperate pleas of how 'he can fix this' or 'we can work it out'.

He could remember that night clearly; as if it had happened only weeks ago, though it had almost been more than two years since that night.

Phil and Leslie had spent the day together; he had made a picnic, they went and watched a movie and then he was going to take her to the place they had first met to pop the question. It was a glorious day and Phil thought it would have been the day that he would talk about to their children when they were older. Then it was as if a switch got flipped after the movie; Phil had to run to the flat to get the ring that he had hidden in a place that she wouldn't had been able to reach due to her abnormal shortness. He walked back into the living room, the ring in his pocket and Leslie looked oddly stiff. Dan was watching something on Netflix and didn't seem to realize the sudden change in Leslie's usual chirpy attitude.

As they walked out the door, Phil had tried to hold her hand but she wouldn't let him. It wasn't until they got to Central London and Phil had gotten down onto one knee that Leslie opened her mouth. She started talking about how she wanted to see other people and how she had been thinking about breaking it off for awhile, but she had never had the courage to break his heart. Phil remembered begging her to reconsider and telling her how much he really cared for her; but she just kept shaking her head, tears in her eyes.

That was the last time Phil had truly been in love and for weeks afterwards he could hardly get out bed. He had just lost the person that he thought he was going to spend the rest of his life with. If it hadn't been for Dan and his constant hugs and soothing words, Phil might have just spent the rest of his life heartbroken over what Leslie had just done to him.

Phil shook the thoughts of Leslie out of his mind and started to think about how and if he would pursue in filling the missing part in his life. He decided that he would think about it tomorrow after looking at the clock and realizing that it was almost twelve. He knew that Dan would be planning to come into his room with a candle in a cupcake as soon as it was officially his birthday. He ran fingers through his hair and got up out of bed and locked his door as he didn't want to be bothered- his thoughts were already bothering him enough.

He turned out the lights and crawled back into bed; staring at the clock as it counted down the minutes until his birthday. He watched it go from 11:59 to 12:00 and then Dan tried to open the door.

"Phil?"

He ignored Dan and closed his eyes, hoping that sleep would come.