Title: Like It Was
Author: Angeleyez
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Rory and Dean are together but Rory's pining away for Jess. The town is ignoring their not so secret glances and Dean's oblivious as usual. Yup, just another normal day in Stars Hollow. Literati Angst [1/1]
A/N: This is a direct result of finishing CAPT tests early and having way too much time on your hands. I really have no idea where this came from. I've had writer's block for a couple of weeks. I actually couldn't write at all so the fact that I was able to get this down means that I should be updating Over Time shortly. This is complete, by the way. One parter. Please review with what you think.
And they lived happily ever after.
He sat in front of her eating scrambled eggs and waffles. Talking with his mouth full about some kind of school project. She had zoned out after Luke had placed their food in front of them and that had been nearly ten minutes ago. Occasionally she felt herself nod to give him reassurance that she was listening and was, of course, agreeing with everything he said. But at this point she had no clue what he was going on about. Was he talking about hockey now?
Rory continued to shovel her breakfast into her mouth. It was pancakes—that much she knew after looking down—but she had no idea what kind because he had ordered for her and she was eating way too fast to figure out if it was blueberry or chocolate chip she tasted. As long as she kept eating though, she wouldn't have to speak. A proper lady never spoke with her mouth full and therefore she could just continue to nod her head, her gaze fixed on him, as if she really cared about the Stars Hollow hockey team. Or softball team. She was pretty sure he was talking about some kind of sport. Whatever.
Nod, chew, swallow, and repeat. Easy enough. Did he ever shut up? It really was taking every ounce of willpower she had not to get up and leave. She wanted to be on the bus already taking her away to a place where she wasn't the beloved princess. But she remained sitting there, eating breakfast with him and every once in awhile out of the corner of her eye, she would see him. And every time he came into her view, she would turn her head ever so slightly until more of him was in her field of vision.
Sitting with Dean and pining away for Jess. It's funny how some things never change.
But it's freaking hilarious how some things do.
Last year it had been RoryAndDean, the perfect couple. Then after the dance marathon, it had become Rory and That boy. That with a capital T because whenever someone enunciated the word with an accompanying look, people knew exactly which boy they were talking about.
It had been Rory and Jess for nearly five months. It would be his longest relationship yet on their six-month anniversary. Didn't that make her feel special? Things had gone pretty well. Movies every once in awhile, bookstore runs, and that lovely Wal-Mart tour he gave her after she asked to see where he worked.
But then before she knew it, it was back to RoryAndDean forever and always. She had had nearly five months with Jess but it felt much shorter. The transition from Dean to him and than back to Dean had been too fast. So fast that sometimes it felt like her head was still spinning.
That senseless fight between her and Jess. Started over something so insignificant that she couldn't even remember what it was. Couldn't remember the beginning of their end but she did recall how the fight had moved on to bigger and tenser subjects. Dean, school, her mother and the fact that the entire town always had one eye on them or more specifically, him. God forbid his hand slip farther than the small of her back (which it had on several different occasions). They were breathing down their necks.
But the fight kept getting bigger and louder and she kept getting angrier. It was probably around the time he had insulted her mother that she said it. Had been searching for something horrible to yell at him, to hurt him, break him, make him feel as bad as she did at that moment. But even then she thought that whatever she said would just bounce off him. This was Jess, now. Unfeeling and unbreakable, "I was raised in The City so I'm tough and bad" Jess. But she struck a chord, brought up his most touchy subject. Herself.
And with the words "You're not good enough for me", she had taken everything he had ever confided in her and thrown in it his face. She knew that that was what he thought but to actually hear her say it… All those hidden insecurities brought up with that meaningless phrase. Because she hadn't meant it, never. But it had popped into her head and that speaking without thinking problem… definitely something she had inherited from her mother. It was funny how fast you can do a 180. Regretting her words in less than a tenth of a second that had to be some kind of record. Although she doubted Guinness had one for Shortest Amount of Time to Regret Making Your Boyfriend Feel Like Complete Shit. Maybe she should write them a letter about it.
It was pretty much then when they broke up. And two weeks later, Dean and the town… sorry, Dean and her had gotten back together. Because "she was much happier with Dean" and "he would treat her right" and "he would never think of doing that with her". Yes, thank you random townies, she thought bitterly. I really needed that kind of intervention. One second, she was wondering if she should call Jess and the next, she was back with Dean. Really, he had kissed her and she had just responded. She had been lonely and upset and he was a good kisser. But unfortunately, he had taken this as a "we're back together" now sign and had dumped Lindsay. Yes, he had a girlfriend when he kissed her although Rory really shouldn't talk now should she?
So here they were, the perfect couple, sitting over breakfast. And she was staring at Jess, wondering if he had read The Red Badge of Courage recently because she had a four page paper due on it next week.
It was like things had never changed. Rory and Dean had been together for almost three years now (not counting their first breakup and their second? What? That had never happened!). And she and Jess continued this ludicrous charade, their secret glances that everyone saw but no one acknowledged. Least of all Dean who was oblivious to the end, it seemed. It was like her and Jess had never happened at all. But things were different, no matter what anyone said or thought. She had dated Jess and now things couldn't be exactly like last year.
For one thing, she had slept with him.
Yeah, that made things different. But that was one of her better-kept secrets, information known only by herself and Jess. Yes, they had made love, had sex, screwed, boinked, fuc- You get the idea. Whatever you want to call it, they did it, even if it was only once.
It was more than she could say for her and Dean though. It seemed that if she stayed with him then she would die a virgin princess because really, he would never think of doing that. Not with her. He was only a teenage boy, for crying out loud. Where were his hormones?
So Dean was the good one, always taking things excruciatingly slow. And all she wanted to do was shout from the rooftops, "I slept with Jess Mariano!" The only thing stopping her was her ridiculous fear of height stemming from an incident on a slide at the playground when she was five. Maybe one Sunday night when Taylor asked if anyone had new business to share she would stand up and say it. What a memorable town meeting that would be. The looks she would receive, the gossip that would be spread: Did you hear? Sweet, little Rory has been tainted by That boy!
But no, she would continue the part of the innocent princess even if it made her resent the town even more. Because she knew that if everyone had been more accepting, if they had given him a chance, their breakup never would have happened. Or maybe she was beginning to dislike her small town because that they were ignoring it now. The Jess and Rory are so into each other, anyone can see thing. It was so obvious but they all ignored it. It can't be real. Their eyes are playing tricks. Rory's with Dean. Of course, she's happy. He's her knight in shining armor.
She was eighteen years old, for god sakes. She had grown out of the fairy tales years ago, even if they refused to believe it.
Looking down at her watch, she realized her bus wouldn't be there for another ten minutes. That's it. Tomorrow, she was taking the early bus even if it meant losing time of her precious beauty sleep. Because Chilton seemed more appealing than this unrealistic small town of hers.
Only a couple of months remained in her school year, and even though the workload was growing and she was practically drowning in tests and textbooks, she preferred Chilton. Paris seemed to be getting nicer each day. Each hour she spent with Jamie transformed into an hour without yelling at the Franklin meetings. It was scary and comforting all at once.
And then there were Louise and Madeline. Rory supposed she could call them friends. The ones who were always asking about her boyfriend. Because Dean was just "so very hott". They had given him their seal of approval and a couple of years ago at Rory's first dance, Louise had tried to give him something more.
And every time Rory thought of that, she wondered what it would have been like if Jess had been Dean. Would he have winked at Louise over Rory's shoulder and then later on when Rory was off getting punch or her shoes, would they have met outside for a little lover's rendezvous? Or maybe he would have wrapped his arms around Rory and whispered in her ear that he was going to go insane if he didn't take his tux off soon but did he mentioned she looked beautiful in her dress?
She liked to think it would be the latter.
But what did it matter anyway? Any upcoming event at Chilton, coughPromcough, would be spent with Dean. So what did it matter how Jess would react to some hot blonde's sexual innuendos? Dean would bring her. Dean who was more loyal than man's best friend. Dean with his stalkeresque qualities, his constant need to know where she was going and who she was with, his calling ten times too many a day. All warning signs, one step away from being one of those abusive boyfriends. You know, the ones who care too much.
Or maybe she was completely wrong and was blowing the whole thing out of proportion. Maybe Dean was the best thing that had ever happened to her. Maybe something as good as him would never come along in her life again.
Oh, one could only hope.
Denial wasn't just a river in Egypt and she was getting mighty sick of her plastic bubble. She needed to get it together and get rid of him as horrible as that sounded. This wasn't how the real world worked. She knew that now. How naïve she had been to think that everything would just fall at her feet and a guy would call exactly when he said he would (and a thousand times after that). She had been asleep before and Jess had woken her up. Guys were not like this; it was like Dean had been specially made for her. She had been lucky to get such a great guy for a first boyfriend but that was it. He was only supposed to be her first not her forever and always.
But here she was with Dean anyways. Jess was back on the sidelines and she wished that she could take herself out of the game and stand with him. Things weren't exactly like last year. They couldn't be. She was no longer denying her feelings for Jess. She had reached a new level of pathetic and was actually pining away for him.
Pining away. It was what she was doing later that night at her house. Yes, breakfast had eventually ended and she had kissed Dean goodbye on her way to the bus, forever the faithful girlfriend. It was a Friday night and the weekly dinners with the grandparents had been temporarily suspended due to the whole money fiasco. Her mother was on a date with Alex and Rory was supposed to be out with Dean. But at the last second she had looked at the calendar, her brow wrinkling at today's date. It had crept up on her and surprised her. She didn't like the idea of going out with Dean on what should have been her and Jess's six-month anniversary.
She had been lying in bed with all of the lights turned off trying to fall asleep. Her classes that day had been grueling and it was probably better that she hadn't gone out with Dean for that reason alone. Her eyes had been closed and her breathing had started to steady out when a noise outside her window snapped her to attention. She bolted upright in bed and held her breath, listening for any sound.
But then she realized who it was. Of course it was him. It's not like it would be a burglar or anything. This was Stars Hollow. There was only one dangerous person in town and at that moment, he was standing outside her bedroom window. She jumped up and turned on the lamp standing on her nightstand table next to her bed. She then made her way to the window and threw it open, scaring the hell out of him.
"Hi," she said. Like it was that simple.
"Hi," he replied.
Without thinking, she stepped away from her window to give him room to climb in. Because really, what true bad boy used the front door? Once he was inside, she noticed the book in his hand. And it was at that point, she realized the reason he was here. He hadn't meant to see her; she wasn't supposed to be home. Her entire house was dark and had been showing no signs of life. If she had to guess, he had been planning on leaving that book on her windowsill. Maybe as an almost anniversary gift.
Or maybe she had it all wrong.
But if she didn't… Then she had caught him. He still cared for her.
The soft glow from her lamp barely lit up the room but she liked it. It made Jess look darker, more mysterious. It gave him an eerie glow. She could have kissed him right then. No one had to know. Dean still didn't know about the wedding kiss. And he never would.
But instead she walked over to her bed and sat down. He followed her lead and took a seat next to her. The book was placed next to him on his left so that she couldn't see it. She briefly wondered what he had brought her.
Maybe now, right here, in the dim light they would admit it. Their break-up was a huge mistake. That she regretted getting back together with Dean and that he was insanely jealous and wanted nothing more than to have her back. Maybe they would decide that they needed to forget about their issues, about the town and her mother. Let rest their problems. They could make it work. They had to try again.
"Read any good books lately?" Jess asked. The standard line. Of course.
And they sat there. Still denying, not touching, sharing a half-hearted conversation they had already had a hundred times before. But they needed to keep speaking. They couldn't let silence fall because it would be too much. The deafening quiet tugging at her heart and she would spill everything. It would come pouring out without any sign of her stopping it, not until she finished. But really in the long run, would that be so bad? She was the one who had been complaining about being the princess, trapped in a plastic bubble, half-asleep in this fairy tale world. If she wanted to put a stop to it, she needed to do something about it. Break up with Dean for starters. She needed to stop playing the damsel in distress if she wanted to get rid of the fairy tale rep.
She was 18! In a few months, she would be off at college. It was time for her to grow a backbone. Maybe she should just let Jess stay. Let her mother walk in on them and then the damage would be done. Dean would break up with her (again) and hopefully, she'd be demoted from her princess status.
Silence fell then as their conversation reached a dead end. She reached over toward her lamp and briefly considered turning off the light, welcoming the dark. But instead she found herself twisting the tiny knob the other way, causing the room to become brighter. It was time to wake up.
As she leaned toward him, she felt a spark of excitement. Tomorrow could be different. If she wanted, this one kiss could change everything. For her, for him, for them. It could be a new beginning. Their lips met.
Once upon a time…