AN: Huh. So this is what the DAO fandom is like. Not as bad as I thought really. Save for some Mary Sue PCs and the forceful rubbing of Alistar into my face, it isn't that bad. Like everyone else out there who first got dragon age and played it straight through for an enitre week without any social interaction, I liked it. Enough to make a satire really. Probably not my best work, but hey, better out then in. In usually leads to spontaneous combustion of fangirlism. Enjoy.

This is a Prologue

The story begins somewhere located in Bioware studios, working on their next social contact draining game, "Dragon Age", another planned hard-hitter with "Jade Empire", "Mass-Effect", and "KotOR: A knee to George Lucas' balls". With everything finally made and placed together, the opeing scene is the only thing left to deal with.

Bioware: Alright people we've spent several years on this, 1/4 of that time spent because SOMEONE thought people actually read the codex-

Worker: People CARE about what nugs are!

Bioware:- We have to give it an epic opening. Something awfully cryptic and mysterious.

Worker: You could probably just place in a bible passage. Bible passages usually do a good job at the creepy part.

Bioware: No, then we're just ripping off several other fantasy epics.

Worker: But isn't that Andraste character like some super magic samurai Jesus anyways? So it's like biblish-ic?

Bioware: Hm, good point. Make up some freaky verse. Ok, now every opening has to have a really cool narrator, preferably old and possibly homeless.

Worker: I found this homeless guy caressing a pack of funions!

Bioware: Good enough. Ok homeless guy, here's the verdict of your role. So you are a badass grey warden that has lived through many years of battle, taking crap from no one, stabbing them in the face all while wearing a skirt.

"Duncan": Sweett.

Bioware: Alright people, we're nearly finished. Who has the stock fotage from Lord of the Rings in digitalized form?

A worker limps in, bloody and tattered from head to toe.

Worker: Got it! *wince* Copyright officials are a bitch.

Falls over dead. Workers memory is respected by being used as a footstole.

Bioware: We have finally gotten all the compents together! I swear to you, this game is going to be-

Player: Awesome! Finally got a PS3 with Dragon age! I'm totally ready to get shut in for an entire week playing a game that will ruin my social life! WOO!

The player then snuggles into their favorite game playing couch, grabbing some Gatorade and a pillow-pet, the ultimate gaming components.

Player: LETS DO THIS MR. SNUGGLES!

Squeezes pillowpet in excitement.

Presses new game.

"And so is the Golden City blackened

With each step you take in my hall

Marvel at perfection, for it is fleeting

You have brought sin to Heaven

And doom upon all the world . . . "

Duncan: The chantry teach us that it is the hubris of men that brought the darkspawn.

Shows a group of eerie looking men in robes.

Mage: Hey we're in creepy black cloaks, spilling our own blood on altars for some grotesque sacrifice. So it's obviously safe for your children to hang around us!

OtherMage: Hey, what do you want us to do with this disembodied baby head?

Mage: *cough*shushup*cough*

Duncan: The mages sought to usurp heaven. But instead, they destroyed it. They became twisted by their own corruption and were the first of the darkspawn. They became a blight, unstoppable and relentless . . . As old dudes with bone disease are.

While threatening a group of farmers-

Mages: You will bow down to me if it's the last thing you- *back cracks* OW! Gagh!

Citizen: Uh, you need help there?

Mages: No, shut up! YOU WILL PAY once I find my damn Advil!

Duncan: Or . . . Something like that. The dwarves were the first to get the screw of the pooch, from the deep roads, reaching near annihilation.

Shows the dwarves betting massacred. Also shows some really disturbing ways that you shouldn't use sharp sticks around small people.

Dwarf: Hi there. If you've noticed, you can tell that I am currently impaled on a really long spike. If you look a bit closer, you can tell that this REALLY FUCKING HURTS.

Duncan: Then the Grey Wardens came. People from every race, men and woman, warriors and mages, barbarians and kings. All come to sacrifice everything to stem the tide of darkness . . . And prevailed.

Someone without a idea of how to hold an axe runs in.

Warden: Uh . . . I don't know which end is the actual working end, BUT IM BEATING THE HELL OUT OF YOU WITH IT ANYWAYS!

Whacks some random darkspawn into jiggly meat bits.

Duncan: . . . Yeah, seriously.

Next few scenes are big gush of swords, monsters, testosterone, and blood . . . So, so much blood. Even the litle pansy healers are getting splattered with little splattery bits.

Healer: Alright, I'm going to cure you of the walking bomb spell- *SSPPLLOOSSHH* oh . . . Never mind.

Duncan: It has been 4 centuries since that victory. We have watched and waited for the darkspawn to return. But those who once called us heroes have forgotten. We are few now and our warnings have been ignored for too long.

Is sneaked up on by Darkspawn.

DS1: AATTAACK!

DS2: What the hell man, I thought we agreed on not announcing our ambushes!

DS1: Look, it signifies the start of the attack in the first place. What's the point of the attack if we don't even know when it's going to even happen?

DS2: Well, ok, I can understand that, but you don't go all screechy Rambo all the time. Great, now there's a sword coming toward your head, great going!

DS1: What are you- *SSHHIICCKKK*

Proceeds in knocking down one of the darkspawn and stabbing his comrade. Makes way towards fallen one near the cliff.

DS: Hey, yeah, about that whole killing you and eating your flesh thing, that was all just some prank me and my buddy thought up, so it would be nice if you didn't kick me into a pit of death and all- *Duncan puts foot on face* hey, that's not very nice-

Pushes darkspawn off the cliff.

Duncan: For I have seen what lies on the horizon. It's nasty, it's black, and smells faintly of burnt chicken. Maker, help us all.