Life to Give

It was like nothing I had ever seen. It was like I had woken up in a nightmare, a cursed reality, and as much as I tried, I couldn't wake myself up. And no matter how hard I tried to put it out of my head, to remind myself that I survived, I couldn't. Every day of my life, I relived that nightmare. There were reminders everywhere I looked.

It happened two years ago, and so it had been two years since I slept a full night, two years since I felt normal, two years since I had seen my friends. And the two years passed without my friends, time ticking on like a broken clock, the hand stuck in place. I never moved on from that moment, and I could never forget it.

Everyone had gathered in Nimbasa for the annual festival that the city hosted every year. This was my first time to the festival—having been abroad for the past several years—and I was excited to attend it. Had I known what events would unfold here, I would have told everyone to leave. But how could anyone predict it?

I ran into my old acquaintance Touya at the amusement park, and I left Cheren and Bianca to go with Touya to the baseball park. We were having a good time, laughing about my adventures abroad and his luck in the Battle Subway. We flirted, we held hands, and for a moment, it was like nothing could go wrong.

Until it did.

I wanted to live by myself, to free myself from everyone else, but my mother wouldn't have it while I was in my current state. I spent most of my time in my room, sitting in my bed and refusing to eat for prolonged periods of time. I received only a couple hours of sleep a night, waking up whenever I fell asleep because of nightmares.

My mom hired a psychologist to come look at me, and we talked a little bit. He asked me how I felt, why I didn't want to eat, why I wouldn't get out of bed. I told him that I felt fine, that I wasn't hungry, and my bed was comfy and warm. I only got up to go to the bathroom and shower, though I never worried about how I looked since I would never see anyone again.

The psychologist seemed pleased whenever he left, and every time he did, he told me that if I ever needed him, he was just a phone call away. But he didn't get that I didn't need him; he was still alive. I needed my friends, but they were all dead. So, why would I call him? Could he bring them back? Could he fix this?

I didn't think so.

"She's suffering," my mom's voice said, and I closed my eyes. Flashes of that day passed through my mind, and I opened my eyes back up, gasping.

"You should try taking Touko out of the house, maybe visit Nimbasa. Some closure on that event may help her," the voice of my psychologist responded, and I shuddered. Visiting Nimbasa was the last thing I wanted. "She is severely scarred by the event. If you take her out of the house, she'll realize what she's been missing. Scars can heal."

"Not entirely."

"Well, they can fade. She'll never forget what happened that day. I don't think anyone will."

There was silence, and I pictured my mother nodding over and over like a bobble head doll. The psychologist would smile at her, perhaps touch her arm before walking down the stairs and leaving the house. Then he'd be back again tomorrow, examining me like I was an exhibit instead of a person.

"Doctor… it's been two years."

Another pause.

"Some things never go away," the psychologist said. "Touko is suffering from depression, post traumatic stress disorder, survivor guilt… there is only so much I can prescribe to her, and healing takes an effort from both sides. She needs to get out of this house. She needs to get out of that bed and start looking at the world again. That's my prescription now."

"Okay. Okay, I'll try."

And she did try. Over and over and over again until I finally agreed.

The sun seemed unusually bright, but maybe this was because I hadn't seen it in so long. My skin was fair in comparison to my mother's, my body gaunt, and I realized I must have looked like a walking ghost. Maybe I really had died on that day, and this was all a mirage. Maybe this was heaven. If so, it was lonely.

"It's nice out, isn't it?" my mom asked in attempt to make conversation. I didn't respond. "I haven't been to Nimbasa since the accident, either, Touko. This is a scary thing for both of us, and I know how you must be feeling. But don't you think it's time to move on? Cheren and Bianca wouldn't have wanted you to live like this."

I covered my ears with my hands, cowering into my seat. I felt more like a child than a twenty-year-old, but I didn't want to talk about Cheren or Bianca. And accident? It was not an accident—it was a devastation.

"Touko—I know you don't want to talk about this, but talking about it is healthy! You need to talk about it, Touko! Please, talk to me!" my mother pleaded, but I just held my hands more firmly against my ears. "You'll never get better if you don't talk! You'll always remember, and you'll always be hurt by it if you don't say something."

I lowered my hands, staring at my mother. I could tell she really wanted to look over at me, but she kept her eyes on the road ahead of her, her grip tightening on the steering wheel.

"I don't want to forget," I muttered, turning to the window to watch the world pass me by.

The roads in Nimbasa had been completely restored, and although the amusement park was still closed—cranes and Pokémon still working away at it—the city looked almost the same as I remembered it. But as my mother drove into the city, I found myself clutching the sides of my seat in fear of the disaster happening all over again.

"Honey, we're fine," my mom said, rubbing my arm.

When she found a parking space on Main Street, she got out of the car, but I couldn't make myself move. I didn't want to get out; the roads may have been fixed, but did that mean they were safe? The amusement park was still destroyed—there were buildings that hadn't been rebuilt. How did I know that we were safe?

My mom walked around to the passenger side of the car, opening the door and holding out her hand. Slowly, I unbuckled my seatbelt and grabbed her hand, stepping down out of the car and standing on the hot pavement. As I took a step forward onto the sidewalk, I felt my ankles wobble, and I grabbed the nearest light post and steadied myself.

The city didn't appear nearly as thriving as it did before; there were only a few people on the streets besides myself and my mother. None of them lifted their heads as we walked by, and no one said anything. I gripped my mom's arm, keeping myself close to her.

This city was a different place now… no one could deny that.

They had constructed a large statue near the entrance to the amusement park as a memorial to those who had died: a giant stone Ferris wheel with the names of every person who died engraved onto it. My mom helped me find the names of everyone I knew: Cheren and Bianca, the Gym Leaders, the Elite Four…

I spent a long time looking for my name. I couldn't find it.

We moved onto the memorial at the center of the city; the Battle Subway entrance, the epicenter of the whole event, had been completely destroyed. In its place, they had left a flower garden. There were roses and orchids and every flower imaginable, and trees provided shade over stone benches throughout the park.

"I'm going to run to the bathroom. Do you need to go?" my mom asked as we sat together on the bench. I shook my head. "Will you be okay if I leave you for a minute?" I nodded.

But in all honesty, I didn't want to be alone.

"Touko? Touko, is that you?"

I glanced up at the familiar voice, moving my eyes from the orange flowers in front of me to the tall, handsome young man standing just a few meters away from me. I regretted looking almost immediately after I caught his gaze, and I felt my heartbeat picking up speed. I wouldn't be surprised if it fell right out of my chest.

He was the last person I wanted to see.

"Touko, it's me, Touya! Do you remember?" the young man asked, but I didn't say anything.

Of course I remembered. How could I forget? I spent a few happy hours with him before my whole world fell apart. He was the only living reminder of that day, and I had made a point to never see him again. Maybe I was hiding—maybe that's why I never left my room. But I never wanted to see Touya again.

Because he was the reason I was alive.

We left the amusement park to go to the baseball fields, abandoning Cheren and Bianca at the Ferris wheel. There we stood, laughing and flirting and talking… and then it began. It was like the city was groaning, and Touya and I ran out of the baseball park to see what was going on. The groan turned into a roar and a crack, and then we saw it.

It was like the world opened up beneath the city. A deep fissure ran through the roads and beneath buildings. The road sunk in, and buildings fell into it; the Battle Subway had opened up, the paths beneath the city tearing apart. The earth sunk into the tunnels, and buildings fell into the hole like dominoes.

One of the subway tunnels passed directly under the amusement park, directly under the Ferris wheel. The whole wheel collapsed, falling across the paths and knocking other rides out of the way. People, fleeing, fell into the opened tunnels, and some could not avoid the falling buildings quickly enough.

I had run straight for the park, yelling for Cheren and Bianca, but my path had been cut off by a building, and there was no direct way to get to the park quickly enough. Touya called after me, trying to get me to stop, but I couldn't. I attempted to climb over buildings, to avoid looking at anything but the park, but I couldn't.

And just like that, everyone was gone. I passed out, falling in the middle of the road from overexertion, and gave up.

I couldn't save them. I lived.

I stood up, trying to walk away from Touya, but he ran over to me, grabbing my arm. My eyes began to water, and as I glanced around at all the growing flowers, I couldn't help but think that every one of these flowers represented a person I had lost—there were so many of them. And here Touya and I were, the only people left.

"Touko, wait!"

I pulled my arm away from him, spinning around and jabbing a finger against his chest. "I hate you! I don't want to see you!"

Touya, clearly taken aback, stood where he was for a moment, only reaching out for me again when I started to walk away. What did he not understand? He was the one who suggested we go to the baseball park—he was the one who took me away from my friends. I would have been with them if he hadn't done that.

"Touko, this must be hard for you. It is for me, too. But… you know, it gets easier. I come to this garden every day." Touya smiled at me, but I just felt tears build up in my eyes. "Is this your first time back to Nimbasa?"

I nodded, unable to say anything.

"You're not here by yourself, are you?"

I shook my head, but I felt like I was by myself. "I lost everyone, Touya," I told him, and he took a step closer to me. "I might as well be alone. I haven't seen Cheren or Bianca in two years… I keep trying to tell myself that they went away, but I know it's a lie. I think about the disaster every single day. I don't sleep."

"It gets easier, Touko—"

"No, it doesn't!" I yelled. "No, Touya! It never gets any easier for me. I knew everyone! I loved them all, and they were all taken away! Only because you came along—a boy who I didn't even know that well—and made me leave them! They're all gone! I don't have anyone left! It will never get easier!"

Touya looked dumbfounded. "There was nothing you could do—you're alive. You should be thankful!"

"No! Why did I get to live?" I screamed, tears pouring from my eyes now. My body was shaking so violently that I collapsed to the ground, and Touya dropped down next to me. "Why did all those people die—Cheren, Bianca, all of those Gym Leaders—why did they all die? Why didn't I? What did I do wrong? What did I do?"

Touya gaped at me, rubbing my back in attempt to be soothing, but it didn't make me feel any better. He didn't know what to say to me because I was right. I had done something horribly wrong that day. I had failed, and everyone else suffered because of me. I lived, they died, I went on living, they didn't.

"You didn't do anything—"

"I did… I did." I wrapped my arms around his neck, crying into his shoulder. "Why am I alive, Touya? My name should be on that list!"

"I… I…" Touya muttered helplessly, unable to say anything. There was nothing he could do. No words would bring all of those people back. It wasn't just my friends—hundreds of innocent people died. Yet I stood among the living, unable to do anything to save them, lucky enough to keep on standing.

It wasn't luck.

"Touko? Touko! Oh my… oh my goodness. Touko!" I heard my mother's voice say, and then her footsteps became quicker. I felt her small, warm hands on my back, so different from Touya's. Yet as she wrapped her arms around me, encompassing Touya, too, they felt exactly the same. They were both so naïve.

No. It wasn't luck that kept me standing.

I had begun to feel a little bit better. My psychologist sent me to Nimbasa quite frequently now, allowing me to become more familiar with the city again. Though it was hard for me to be there, especially when I saw the construction in the amusement park and the statue outside of it, I wasn't so scared anymore.

The nightmares only appeared once in awhile when I slept now, but they were constantly there while I was awake. I still saw reminders of that day everywhere, and I doubted that these living demons would ever go away. Even my psychologist told me that it would be years before I felt entirely human again, but I would never forget that day.

It was hard sometimes, trying to live.

But my friends would want me to keep living. They were all right about that. So, I got up out of my bed, I went to Nimbasa, I planted flowers in the garden, I watched the construction, and I began living again.

I hadn't seen Touya since that day in Nimbasa, but I had a feeling my mother was behind that. My suspicions were proved true about two months after we had met again in Nimbasa. The doorbell rang, and as I ran down the stairs to answer it, my mother called to say she'd get it. I hid at the top of the stairs, watching to see who was at the door.

"Is Touko feeling better?" Touya's voice asked. I slid a few more steps down the stairs.

"A little. She's slowly improving. But… I still don't think it's safe to let her see you. You triggered something in her, and I'm not sure it's healthy for her to be thinking such negative thoughts. You were there the day it happened, and she associates life with guilt." The door creaked as my mother went to shut it. "It's better if you go."

I stood up, running the rest of the way down the stairs. My mom paused, staring at me with the door half open, and Touya leaned his head into the entryway. His hair had grown out a little since the last time I saw him, and his eyes were dark, as though he hadn't been getting much sleep. I knew all about that.

Walking towards both of them, I gestured to Touya. "I want to talk to him, Mom."

"Honey, I'm not—"

"Please."

My mom pursed her lips, but she dropped her hand from the door, walking away into the kitchen. Touya stepped uncertainly into the room, his footsteps quiet on our tiled floor. I gestured to the couch in our tiny living room, and he sat down, clearly apprehensive. It didn't take a genius to figure out why.

"I'm not going to freak out again," I assured him, sitting down in the living chair opposite the couch.

Touya smiled, running his hands over his pants to flatten them out. "Oh." He stared at his knees, the smile vanishing. "Are you feeling better?"

"I don't really think it's something I can 'feel better' about. I'm not sick." I paused, running a hand through my hair. "Okay, maybe I am sick. But it's different. I know this is always going to be a part of me. I'll never feel the same as I did before. I just… I know that I'm meant to live, and I didn't do anything wrong."

Touya nodded. "Right. You were just in the right place at the right time." He finally looked up at me, his brown eyes bright. "I was there, too. I really do know how you felt. Some of my friends were there. The Battle Subway was practically my home. I lost everything, too. But—you know… I remember every day that I'm alive. And I'm thankful to be. I can live to the best of my potential. I can live for everyone who can't."

These words rang in my ear over and over, like a track on repeat. I can live for everyone who can't. He gave his life in a different way than I ever thought possible. By living, he was a walking memorial to the people lost.

"Thank you, Touya," I said, making my best effort to smile. It probably came out looking like a grimace.

"Yeah." He kept his eyes on me, and I was the first one to look away. "Listen, Touko. Do you want to go get dinner sometime?"

I gasped, a thousand thoughts running through my mind at once. Was it too soon? Did I even know if I wanted to be friends with Touya? What would happen to me if I fell in love with the boy who brought back the worst memories? What would he think of me and my psychologically messed up mind? Was I stable enough to date him?'

But on the other hand, would I be a hypocrite if I didn't? I liked him. I had to jump on the chance rather than fear it.

The best way to conquer fear, after all, was to confront it yourself.

So, I turned my grimace into a real smile. "How about tonight?" I asked him, standing up and holding out my hand towards him. He placed his in mine, his warm palm pressing against my cool one, and stood beside me.

I wouldn't know for sure. But maybe Touya was right. Maybe the best way to show respect for everyone I lost was to keep on living. I can live for everyone who can't.

I would never forget that day and the people who didn't live to see another… but remembering was the reason to keep on living.

Author's Note: So, someone requested a Touko/Touya fic quite a long time ago, and I'm just getting around to it now. And, I must say, I will have to write another one—because I can guarantee this wasn't what she meant when she asked for it.

This is what you get when you feel so terribly sad and horrified and lost. This is what happens in the wake of a tragedy. This is not fluff; this is not happy. This is, sometimes, reality. And it's scary.

I live my life in a happy-go-lucky way. I am incredibly optimistic, and though I get stressed sometimes, I am usually always cheerful. I look for the best in people, and even when something goes wrong, I never think "payback" is right.

I don't think this story is particularly well-written. I think the language is immature, and the sentences choppy. But I also think that this is part of my point. The emotions and Touko's confusion were more important to me.

I also considered not posting this. Was choosing to do so a good idea?

Disclaimer: I do not own Pokémon.