Hurt
By: Shelby
Blair walked down the long, hospital hallway. She hugged her body to try and stop it from trembling. Everything around her seemed muted. The only thing she heard was her heartbeat. It was so loud. She now knew the sound Edgar Allen Poe wrote. It was terrible, enough to drive her mad as well. She stopped at the door and closed her eyes for a moment. Once she went in there was no turning back. Her eyes opened and she took a deep breath. It didn't help at all. So she proceeded inside. The image she saw then would be forever burned in her brain.
Chuck stared at her. He lied upward on the hospital bed. Tubes ran in and out of him. He was extremely underweight, his eyes were sunken in, and he seemed to be having trouble with his breathing. He watched carefully as she crossed the room and sat down in the chair next to his bed.
"I've been waiting for you a long time," Chuck rasped. His chest heaved up and down. Then he leaned forward and coughed. It sounded like he was dying. And he was, but not in that direct moment. No, it wasn't a cough, but something far worse that would claim the life of Chuck Bass.
"I know. I—I wasn't sure if I should come. After what happened with us, I didn't know if you wanted me here. I didn't know if I wanted to see you like this," Blair admitted. She knew it sounded partly selfish, but she refused to be anything less than completely honest with him.
"I'm dying," he whispered. His voice was going in and out. He was tired and weak. His eyes batted lazily. His body ached. Everything inside him was shutting down.
Blair's face twisted with a pained expression. She then sprung up from her seat and took his face in her hands. She held him gently, but her grip was still strong. If it were possible, she'd hold on forever just to keep him there with her.
He laughed solemnly as tears came to his eyes. "You're touching me. No one wants to touch me anymore. They think just by coming near me they'll catch it. Serena hasn't come back in a month. Nathaniel will only stand at the door. Nobody wants to hold a man dying of aids. Nobody," Chuck trembled. His voice was scratchy and harsh, but then it cracked. Tears trickled down his sunken in cheeks.
"They'll come back. They will," Blair lied as her own tears formed. She stroked his cheek and nodded. They weren't coming back. They wanted her to be with him. They wanted her to take care of the rest until it was done, until he was done. She felt her breathing become uneven.
"You probably think I deserve it, right? I know everyone does. All I ever did was screw around. It was bound to happen to someone like me. It's karma," he cried. And he believed it too. Sitting alone all those days in the hospital, they led to a rather cynical view of the world—one he already partly had.
"No. No, it's not," she refused. She shook her head and got onto the bed. She kissed his cheek and whispered. "You didn't deserve this. Don't you ever think that, Chuck. Please." It was true he had physically brought it upon himself, but it could have just as easily happened to Nate, Serena, or even her on the off chance she had a one-night stand. Chuck was just more at risk because one-night stands were a common factor in his life.
He closed his eyes and focused on the feel of her holding him. It was rare someone touched him, but even before he got diagnosed he couldn't remember anyone holding him like Blair did. She had a firm grip, but it was soft at the same time. He didn't want her to ever let go.
"Blair, I don't want to die alone. Please stay… please," Chuck pleaded with broken spirits. She lifted to see tears streamed down his cheeks. He gripped onto her hand as tight as he possibly could. "I—I'm sorry for everything I did to you, but you—you can't leave me alone."
"I won't," Blair promised. She shook her head as a single tear trickled down her cheek. She didn't want to cry in front of him. It was her turn to be strong, but knowing that didn't make it any easier because with every word they said to each other she broke down more inside.
His pupils dilated for a moment and he grabbed onto her shirt, pulling her down closer to him. He whispered in her ear, "I—I'm scared." The time for pride was over.
Blair closed her eyes and lips pursed. She was trying so hard not to release the loudest and most painful sounding of sobs she was capable of. So she buried her face in the crook of his neck and kissed his skin. "Do—don't be," she trembled.
The hours passed as if someone was physically dragging them out. They were slow, painful, and dreary. For a while neither spoke a word. Chuck just held onto Blair, holding her in his arms as best as he could. And she clung to him. She didn't try to get away or hold her breath so she didn't breathe in his. None of the myths scared her and neither did catching the disease. But letting him go, now that really terrified her.
"Owe," Chuck breathed, trying to sit up some, but failed. He fell onto his back and bit his bottom lip. Nothing was working in him anymore. It was hard to even get his lungs to help him take a breath.
Blair sat up quickly and looked over him with the most worried of expressions. "Should—should I go get a nurse or a doctor?" she asked. Still though she held onto him.
He shook his head sadly. "No—no, there's no point. Just stay here with me. I—I—I—" Chuck stopped talking and squeezed his eyes shut. Tears began to trickle down his cheeks.
She wiped at them and kissed his nose. "Shh… just take your time," Blair soothed. Then she leaned back again and caressed his shirt. "I'm not going anywhere," she assured him.
"No, but I am," Chuck said solemnly.
Blair's eyes fell from his and she couldn't hold it in. A sob came from her lips and she put her hand over her mouth to try and silence it. Then she felt his hand come over hers and she looked back down into his dark, but fading eyes.
"I—I look in the mirror now and I don't even know what I am, what I've become," Chuck told her in the weakest of voices. He shook his head. "But it's—it's not because I'm dying. It's because I destroyed myself long before the disease did."
She bit her tongue. Every part of her body ached to reach out and touch him, her lips to tell him he didn't need to say this, but she knew for him to find peace he did. So she kept quiet and helped him bare the pain of so many lost years.
Chuck reached a shaky hand up to her cheek and stroked it. With tears in his eyes he smiled the saddest of smiles either had ever seen. "You loved me more than anyone else ever had. I—I didn't even understand love until you showed me what it was," he trembled.
"And I still love you. I never stopped loving you. I promise," Blair swore. She put her hand on top of his and tears continued to fall off her chin, down onto his pale chest.
He nodded, "I know, but you should have…" His voice drifted off for a moment. He was afraid he wouldn't be able to finish, but then a small burst of strength came. "I—I took something from you, from us. Everything I did. It killed us. Our love was never the same. We were never the same. And I—I deserved it, but you Blair—you didn't," Chuck breathed, "You didn't."
"I'm strong. I made it through. I told you even you couldn't destroy Blair Waldorf," Blair assured him, bending down. She put her hands on both of his cheeks and pecked his lips. Then she nuzzled her nose with his and deepened their gaze.
"You will go on, Blair. And I—I want you to have it all. Everything I own, to make up for everything I've become," Chuck told her, releasing his secret.
She pulled back some, frowning. "I don't want to hear about that. When you pass I don't want your money or your business or anything. I never did. I only wanted you," Blair cried, "I only wanted you."
"I know, but I'm leaving you, baby. It's my own fault. I—I'm hurting you again. And this—well this is the only way I can try to makeup for it," Chuck continued, releasing a small cry. He then looked to the ceiling and shook his head. "I used to dream, you know—about us. I was going to give you the world and—and we could explore it together."
Blair closed her eyes, listening to his voice. She could envision his dreamland so easily because so many nights it had been hers as well. It still was. Then she opened her eyes when she heard a change in beep from the machine hooked up to him. She grasped onto him tightly.
"Chuck," Blair sobbed. "Please, please don't go. I'll do anything. Just stay here with me and we can have it. We can have it!" She was frantic now.
Chuck stared up at her with tired, almost now distant eyes. He smiled softly and touched her face. "No, you can have it. And I'll be go—gone…but I'll—I'll be here," he rasped. His hand then struggled to lift, but finally reached her chest. He placed it over her heart.
"I love you," Blair cried. She moved down onto him and kissed his lips. "I love you so much."
"I love you too," Chuck whispered, "And I'm sorry." His voice faded out like all else in life eventually would. The silence was then interrupted by a long, never-ending beeping noise. But soon enough that was covered up too. Blair cried out in pure agony, throwing herself down onto him, and holding tight. But that wasn't Chuck Bass anymore. It was only what was left of him.
What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
XOXOXOXOXO
A/N: I actually started writing this a long time ago. It's been sitting in my documents folder forever, waiting to be finished and I decided to tonight. I hope you liked it. I know it was sad, but that was definitely the point since I wanted to incorporate the song "Hurt" by Johnny Cash into this story. It is what originally inspired me for it and helped me finish it. I suggest you listen to it. Thank you.