Summary: Luke and Thalia take a day off at the mall and decide to spend it "ranking" people on how...ehem...bedable they are. Hilarity ensues.

I place this as being a little before they met Annabeth.

Couplings: Major Thuke

Warnings: Vulgar language, mentions of sex (nearly constantly)

Disclaimer: Is this in Rick Roirdan's style like at all? No? Well, then I guess you have your answer on whether or not I own the series.

They're adolescents. Of course this kind of thing comes up. The moment you hit puberty hormones take over and sex becomes fascinating, funny, awkward, fun, and gross all at the same time. Joking about bumping uglies becomes commonplace. It's naïve to say otherwise.

And well, they're bored too. There's really not much to do today. Their bellies are full and neither is in danger of bleeding out, though he has a stupid Barbie band-aid on his wrist from a nice little slice yesterday. So they're at the local mall, leaned up against a wall and watching the shoppers aimlessly meander through the stores. He's got a grape slushie and she's got a cheap sundae she's picking through with a plastic spoon.

"Hey, what about him?" Luke asks, gesturing at a man in a crisp suit by the door.

Thalia looks towards him and gags. "2. Look at how he's walking? Too stiff. And he looks like a real stick in the mud besides."

Luke had to agree. He could hear the man arguing on the phone even from here. Who does that at a mall? And his hair looked like it was thoroughly saturated in gel Luke doubted even a piece would come out of place even if a lightning bolt struck him. Which could be arranged if he didn't shut the hell up soon. "Yeah, he does kind of have that douchebag vibe to him…"

"You're telling me." Thalia said, her eyes already searching for the next target. "Her?"

"Hmmm…at least a 4, although she was probably like a 8 when she was younger." Luke answered, eying the eighty-year-old who was rifling through her rather large purse for spare change. Milling around at her sides was a small army of grandchildren, hence Luke's point.

"No kidding. She's like a rabbit with all those midgets." Thalia answers. They go through another couple rounds, occasionally picking their own targets and occasionally letting each other chose.

Luke looks up and smiles at a passing woman with a heap of bags stacked on her arms. "7." He mutters to Thalia, who snorts as she tries not to choke on her ice cream. She sticks her spoon back into the bulk of it and laughs lightly.

"She's like fifty and kinda…okay extremely chunky." Thalia assesses.

"So? She just looks like she'd be good." He replies with a cool smirk.

"That's just plain old disgusting." Thalia laughs and dips her spoon. When she comes up again, she's looking past him. "Oooh, definitely a 8."

Luke looks over and snorts. "You really do like black and leather don't you? I don't think a single person who hasn't been wearing one or the other has scored above a 5."

"It's not just that. I mean look at the way he moves. Confident, like he owns this place. And he's got that bad boy vibe…"

"And the fact that he's got a tongue ring has nothing to do with it." Luke says.

"No…well maybe…Daymn scratch that, he's a 9." Luke shakes his head in disbelief. The guy Thalia's ogling at locks at the lips with a spiky haired goth girl. Luke has to wonder if they're ever going to come up for air. He's not a fan of PDA personally but it did make the game that much more fun.

What was the game you ask? Well, they were…rating people. How good they think that person would be…in bed. Not that either of them really knew a blessed thing about doing the nasty, but it was a fun way to pass the afternoon.

"You're predictable." Luke takes a deep swig of his slushie. He can't help but wonder if Thalia wishes she were the girl as she cocks her head to the side, admiring them like they're art. Like if she watches it she'll get some pointers.

Thalia pops the cherry into her mouth, stem and all, and says around it, "You're just jealous."

Luke spews out grape slushie out of his nose. " As if…Jealous of what?" He says quickly.

"Of his skill of course. I mean I can hear her from here. She sounds like she practically wants to mount him right here in the mall." Thalia smirks at his expression. She pulls out the cherry stem, smiling at the perfect little knot she just made. Luke's somewhat impressed and grossed out at the same time.

"That's just…gods Thalia you have a dirty mind." Luke says as he attempts to banish the mental image.

Thalia shrugs. "Yeah, I do. But then I'm not the one who thinks Mrs. Claus over there would be a riot."

Luke concedes she has a point but really that was more a joke and she knows it. He glances up and sees a blond girl, maybe a couple of years older than him, carrying a couple of uh…melons. "10." He says.

Thalia follows his gaze and Luke might have imagined it but he swears she's glaring at the girl. "Skill doesn't equal cleavage."

"But she looks like she has plenty of both." Luke replies coyly and Thalia lets out an irritated huff. "Now who's jealous?"

"Of what? Her ability to afford implants?" Thalia replies.

Luke gives her that smug smile that he knows that she hates and she slugs his arm. Fuck that hurts. Damn it why does he have to irritate a girl who can literally boast that she's Heracles' little, little, little half sister? He rubs his arm. But he supposes he deserves it. A little.

Blonde passes by close and he's a little shocked when she gives him the elevator and a small, flirty smile paired with a wink. And he's having a little trouble keeping it together. Unfortunately Thalia notices and sends her THE most withering glare. Like an "I-will-follow-you-home-and-use-your-house-for-kindling-and-your-head-for-a-marshmellow" type glare and the blond looks away and picks up her pace, putting some distance between them. Unfortunately that leaves Luke to be the one on the receiving end of that glare.

"Hey! It's not my fault. She looked at me!" Luke says before realizing he really has no reason to be defending himself. It's not like he's dating Thalia so it shouldn't matter.

"But you looked at HER too!" Thalia says back. Ho-boy he's in for it now.

Kissy-lips-leather-jacket comes by with his arm around his girl. "Tough luck bro." He remarks as he passes. "Hang in there."

Luke's like a deer in the headlights of a semi going 80 mph. And guess who the semi is? Damn he's glad he didn't use that comparison out loud though after he thinks about it. She's already looking like she's about ready to electrocute him. No reason to add more fuel to the fire.

All at once, the fury vanishes. Just when his life was starting to flash before his eyes. "No, it's okay. Sorry I overreacted." Thalia frowns.

Luke's brain needs a moment to catch up. Well, maybe longer. She's making no sense to him. Her anger and now her sudden 180. She looks almost sad and he's gone from fearing for his life and/or manhood to wanting to comfort her. And damn if it's not confusing.

"I'm sorry too. Let's just get back to having fun." Luke says after a moment of deliberating.

And so they go back to their immature game and have a good time at the mall in general. Rating people officially has to be the funniest, yet cruelest game Luke's ever played. At least the subjects can't hear them.

However, Luke would never play it again. Why? Well, what happened at the end of the day, as they sauntered out of the building of course!

"Hey Luke?" Thalia says nervously, wringing her hands. That was a sign.

"Yeah?" Luke answers, oblivious to the bombshell she's about to drop on him. He really walked into this one.

"…what would you rate me?" She says it in such an undertone that he does the auditory equivalent of double-taking. Of course, he'd do that anyway.

"What?" He asks, his mouth going annoyingly dry and his voice picking that moment to crack a little.

"…you heard me." Thalia answers, her arms crossed across her chest self-consciously.

"Well…I…sort of…I mean…you…" Luke's blushing. He just knows it. His cheeks are pulling a Rudolph and he looks like a buffoon.

Thalia sighs. "Don't hurt yourself there, dufus. Look, just forget I asked." She responds, taking his bumbling as a poor answer. She starts to walk away ahead of him.

…She never does find out what he'd give her. Of course, she'd have been too young then anyways (they both had) but as he watched her walk away, he mutters.

"10."

Like the unexpected little bit of fluff mixed in with the shmut?

If you liked it please review. I've got more possibly planned that are a little more risque that will be put on this story.

~Crisi