Disclaimer: Bleach and (unfortunately) Abarai Renji is Tite Kubo's.
Notes: O.C.
Pretenses
She dreams.
How his lips would harness something inside of her. How much it delighted her. She would passionately kiss him back without regret, without fathom, without any words.
And then she wakes up.
"It's snowing…"
She tilts her head upward, helping herself to the snow as it falls down to her heated cheeks.
It has been her second month since she was appointed as Karakura town's new neighborhood shinigami. But she knew that it was not something her family can be proud of. She knew that she could have stayed at Soul Society to pursue a role in, at least, becoming a ranked shinigami in a certain squad.
But she couldn't stay any longer. Not anymore.
She looked at him, wordlessly, as she watched him converse with a petite lady whom she could see he has quite known for a while. Whom everyone says was just his childhood friend.
But she doesn't believe the majority.
Seeing from his gestures, how he would hold her hand gently, how he would immediately smile at the sight of her.
How much he loves her.
She couldn't take it anymore.
- - -
He dreams.
Of how she would playfully pull him into his arms just like the old days. How much it delighted him. He would try to catch her and kiss her, to show her how much he loves her. She would kiss him back, without excuses, without fathom, just like the old days.
And then he wakes up.
"Abarai-fukutaichou?"
She sees him, snow collecting at his shoes, his clothes and his untied hair.
It reminded her of an abandoned animal. Or a stray dog.
None of it surprised her, what did surprise her was…
"Ryoko."
How…does he still remember my name?
- - -
"Abarai-fukutaichou? I came here for the files you wanted."
"Thanks. Just place it at the table along the others."
He watched her, as she obediently placed the files on her desk, noticing her obvious discomfort.
"Kazuhiko right?"
She paused for a second; probably from the shock of a high ranked officer trying to converse with his subordinate, but immediately composed herself. "Ah, yes. Yes sir. Kazuhiko Ryoko." She bowed as the spoke.
"I heard. You're the one who's going to replace the old neighborhood shinigami at Karakura town, am I right?"
"Yes sir, though they told me that I'm just temporary. I'll stay maybe for just for a few months while they find a suitable shinigami for the job."
"When?"
"I'll leave the day after tomorrow." She paused, as he looked at her in pensive silence. Then, he took something from his top drawer. She felt uncomfortable, not knowing his true purpose for asking such thing.
No, she was pretending not to know.
He hands her an envelope.
"Please tell her that we…I…miss her."
And what pained her was that he knew she was just pretending as well.
"I'll give her your regards."
She couldn't face him, not the same way anymore. But she knew it wasn't his fault, that it was she that put all of this upon herself. She didn't want to see him hurt, no matter how much he had hurt her in little ways he never thought possible.
She loves him.
"Abarai-san…why are you here?"
He didn't answer; instead he gripped both of her shoulders. Hard.
"Ryoko…tell me. Have you ever talked to Rukia?"
"I…I did what you told me to."
"TELL ME THE TRUTH!"
He shook her painfully, which almost caused her to lose her balance. She had never seen him this way before. She remained silent as she felt his gaze bore into her. She felt like a prey that was about to be eaten by a wild animal. It scared her. But she shouldn't let her guard down.
"I went here to talk to Rukia…" He spoke, his hands still gripped at both of Ryoko's shoulders. "I came to tell her to come back…if she read the letter you gave her. But she didn't get anything."
She felt a sea of guilt drown her. She knew…she knew this would happen. She should have been prepared for this.
Instead, hot tears began to pour from her eyes, blurring her eyesight.
"Why do you love her so much Renji? Why couldn't you just let her go?"
She didn't know why she cried.
She could've told him she was too busy to have the chance to give the letter to Rukia. She could've pretended that she had forgotten the duty she had to fulfill and apologize. She could tell him that she promises never to do it again. There were endless excuses, endless possibilities, too much to count. But she chose to do this, of all things.
That of all things she could have done, she told him the truth.
"I knew."
She felt his grip loosen from her shoulders.
"I know."
Renji reached out for her, his hands pulling her into his arms. "I know she didn't love me! I knew it the moment she left! Every time she looks at him! Damn it, I knew everything from the start! But I couldn't…I can't let her go…"
Ryoko, instead of trying to get out of his reach, gave the gesture back in return. She saw his tears fall down from his eyes as she did so. She could hear the grief and pain from his voice. She could feel the loneliness radiate from him. And then she realized, that they were just the same.
They were two people, two souls, who just wanted to be loved. Because of that fact they both hid in pretense, trying to tell themselves that they still have the chance.
When they already knew that they already lost before the fight even began.
End
Author's Note: This is my very first fanfiction and reading material that I have ever written. So please, tell me if I have made a mistake.