Disclaimer: Harry Potter is the wonderful work of JK Rowling, and I gain nothing but satisfaction and maybe a few reviews from strangers if I'm lucky. A/N - - The excerpt is from the Hat's Song in Harry Potter & the Philosopher's Stone and the information regarding Common Rooms (the architecture and layout etc.) is found at Harry Potter Wiki, elsewise the writing is mine, though I admit having a vague recollection of reading that Hufflepuffs are highly sexual somewhere previously, and that Draco in CoS informed some of the Slytherin heritage.
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"On Common Rooms and the Clandestine Histories of the Four Houses"
a report by Nicholas Finchwhistle
It is common knowledge amongst the magical folk of Europe and the United Kingdom that Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is the best institution in the world for magical education. From its inception during the early Roman occupation of Britain, Helga Hufflepuff, Rowena Ravenclaw, Godric Gryffindor and Salazar Slytherin chose to welcome into their corners of the castle progeny of certain types. It is from these initial placements that the Sorting Hat now develops its songs.
When Harry James Potter (Saviour of the Wizarding World, Order of Merlin First Class, Honorary Member of the Wizengamot, Boy-Who-Lived) arrived at Hogwarts School for his first year with Ronald Bilius Weasley (Order of Merlin First Class, Four time winner of the Golden Broom) and Hermione Jean Granger (Order of Merlin First Class, Department of Mysteries Co-Head, Master of Dentistry) in nineteen ninety-one, the Hat regaled students and teachers with a delightful poetic piece that described the four houses thus:
You might belong in Gryffindor, You might belong in Hufflepuff, Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw, Or perhaps in Slytherin
Where dwell the brave at heart,
Their daring, nerve and chivalry
Set Gryffindors apart;
Where they are just and loyal,
Those patient Hufflepuffs are true
And unafraid of toil;
If you've a steady mind,
Where those of wit and learning,
Will always find their kind;
You'll make your real friends,
Those cunning folk use any means
To achieve their ends.
Unfortunately, the true meaning of the Hat's words were deliberately hidden to keep the wholesome appearance of the School intact, and the first year students were sworn to a secrecy pact (a mantra along the lines of What Happens in the Common Room, Stays in the Common Room) on their first night in the respective dormitories, just like their predecessors. But, as it is well known these days, the seven years Harry Potter attended the school were some of the most dangerous and intriguing in Hogwarts' history, and the students never quite managed to reach the Four Founders' intended standards which had been maintained for centuries of learning.
In the following piece of informative literature, the real frivolities of Hogwarts life will be uncovered and examined objectively, delving into house stereotypes to find out the ultimate reason behind the chronic kleptomania in Slytherin House, the notable recklessness of Gryffindors, the seemingly faultless image of Ravenclaw students, and the deceitful christening of Hufflepuff House as the breeding ground for the harmless and bumbling. But first, a small, undoubtedly refreshing, exploration of the early lives of the Founders of Hogwarts:
Rowena Ravenclaw: Ravenclaw is noted in history texts to have been a woman of unparalleled intelligence, a fact which is irrefutable, however in many books her chequered and quasi-legal past has been entirely left out, or, at best, merely glossed over with very little vigour. This shall be rectified herein – Rowena was born the eldest daughter to a brilliant-minded innkeeper with rather questionable morals and a keen eye for profit, leading her to live a life of gambling, drinking, dancing and swindling. She worked the underground floor of his inn (the main floor was considered quite the respectable tap room by local law enforcers and Roman guests and Mr Ravenclaw was adamant that it remain so – less suspicion would then fall on his dealings about town) and divvied her time between tricking men out of their money using her quick wit and games of intelligence, and hexing them when they got too familiar.
Helga Hufflepuff: Helga is well known as a kind, indiscriminate woman who chose those with loyalty and a tendency for hard work to fill her dormitories. Her family name, unusual as it is, was not hard to trace, and her childhood is well documented, as her mother was a somewhat infamous witch who very successfully developed Potions that serve as the basis of many medical pastes and draughts in modern times. However, Helga's story hits a fuzzy patch around about the time she turned fifteen, whereupon she disappeared into obscurity into a little known, but poorly represented Wizarding town called Dinglecock that had a roaring trade in women and booze and was a popular destination among travelling Wizards. It is often theorised that it was here she first met Godric Gryffindor, though the truth of this is unverified. She appeared several years later with great respect for tenacity and loyalty, and while we cannot be entirely sure what happened during this time, the reputation of Hufflepuff House can probably hint in the right direction.
Salazar Slytherin: Salazar Slytherin is the least easily tracked, due to his family's dodgy heritage and penchant for unravelling the Dark Arts. Occasionally the wizard would vanish, only to appear a number of years later in another muggle town. The general consensus (most heavily supported by information from Tiresius Trimwort's respected paper 'On the Life and Times of a Slippery Snake', 1873) is that the Slytherin family were inclined to use the Imperius curse on muggles to receive accolades and raise their status in the non-magical world (there was more money there), before taking their prizes across the Border and winning over the magical folk to improve their position and earn favours amongst the upper classes.
Godric Gryffindor: Godric "Iron-Guts" Gryffindor is famous in many circles – he was a great champion for the weak, a talented duellist, a renowned swordsman, and unrivalled in the dare department – he never backed down, regardless of how disgustingly foul the deed. Born in a manger, to a shepherd and a local milkmaid, Godric was a hardy baby and grew up to be a tough lad with a love of doing things that made his mother feel faint, weak at the knees, and – if he managed something particularly daring and dangerous – squeak in fear as the worry overflowed. Gryffindor's most famous dare was to eat the leg of an Acromantula after it has been cured in the spittle of a Welsh Green, the completion of which earned him the nickname of "Iron-Guts" and a mention in the Book of Gross (a copy can be found in the Ministry Archives) as it is well known that the saliva of the native Welsh dragon can wreak havoc in the human digestive system, and that it tastes unwelcomely of rotten eggs and sweaty, old socks. As a full-grown wizard, little changed, and aside from his work at Hogwarts, Gryffindor continued to complete his dares and maintained a reckless nature buoyed by his insurmountably jovial character.
As you can see, the Founders led lives quite different to what is generally believed, with their pre-Hogwarts endeavours being mostly ignored. Those who wished to write about the rumours that still hovered about the school however were unsuccessful in that they couldn't figure out the loophole in the 'What Happens in the Common Room, Stays in the Common Room' policy – something that I only managed after ten years of trying – and so this small piece of literature is the very first of its kind, looing inside the Common Rooms of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and exploring the stereotypes and reputations of the Houses Slytherin, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff and Gryffindor with words from several former members.
Inside the Common Rooms
RAVENCLAW HOUSE
Established 47AD, by Rowena Ravenclaw
Insignia: Raven House Colours: Blue and Bronze
The Common Room and dormitories are located in Ravenclaw Tower, which requires access via a tight spiral staircase. Ravenclaw differs from her three co-founders, as the entrance to the Common Room is not determined by a password but by a riddle, given by the ornate bronze eagle door knocker, thus allowing any person of wit and intelligence to pass. Inside, arched windows bring light into the great domed space, with a replication of the night sky and all its stars and planets is depicted on the ceiling. Bookshelves line the walls, and a statue of Rowena stands, watching over her students with a keen eye, beside the dormitory staircase.
But it is not architecture or interior design that drives this report; the real interest is in the students, their pastimes, and the almost unknown heritage that has been passed down through generations of Hogwartian Ravenclaws (and its sibling Houses, which we will arrive at momentarily). The obvious legacy Rowena left is one of wit and intelligence, yes, but forgotten by those who did not place in Ravenclaw House is the ruthless gambling nature and her penchant for luring men and women away from their riches. It is not overlooked among her own students.
Once within the Common Room in the evening, a thorough and merciless organisation takes charge: the Ravenclaw Stakes.
At its head sit the Head of House and two prefects (Head Boy or Girl may not hold leadership positions within this covert organisation as their first responsibility is now to Hogwarts as a whole), who are judges, dispute mediators, and organisers that oversee the Stakes for the duration of the year, ensuring smooth interactions. Games are run by them, and if successful, placed into the Gaming Ring. Betting is highly encouraged, and teams often become heavily segregated, while victories can be remarkably lucrative, as told by Appleby Arrows Chaser Roger Davies, a former Ravenclaw of the Class of 1994:
"A friend of mine, I won't name names, made an average of twenty Galleons a week during our fourth year… [he] was a pureblood, but was rather good at muggle games… the muggleborns used to think they'd be able to trump him easily, but he always managed to come through. Not to mention the fact that he could play a crowd like a game of Quidditch, meaning money was forever changing hands. Some of the kids didn't like that and we had small conflict that had to be sorted out by the Stakes Council because the teams occasionally got quite violent towards each other, but it was pretty easily sorted."
The Council hold competitions on certain nights, popular events include the Saturday Sudoku Challenge, Tuesday Trivia, and Monday Magical Ignorance Theories, which involves the reanalysis of historic works, and the correction of errors in modern papers in a game-show type setting.
The demure, academic Ravenclaws have managed to maintain a successful betting ring, and a self-perpetuating organisation that has developed into a mock agency for the exiting students, producing such Ministry workers as Ludo Bagman, Petra Clearwater nee de Wit, and Kingsley Shacklebolt, all of whom have achieved leadership positions within the Ministry of Magic's various departments after being elected as Councillors of the Ravenclaw Stakes.
HUFFLEPUFF HOUSE
Established 46AD, by Helga Hufflepuff
Insignia: Badger House Colours: Black and Yellow
In solidarity to its emblem, the Hufflepuff Common Room is found beneath the castle, near to the kitchens, in what has been affectionately nicknamed 'The Sett' by some students due to its burrow like qualities of tunnels and holes. A cozy Commons with comfortable armchairs and a warm, welcoming environment, the Hufflepuff's have managed to ensure that their title remains parallel with homeliness and kindness, a feat that is actually rather astounding.
The edges of the Common Room are punctuated with poles that at first are very innocent, but at night are lit by an impressive colour selection caused by a phosphorous paste that is a permanent feature of the ceiling. It has a definite party atmosphere, and during Hufflepuff gathering and parties, the poles are utilised by dancers in a seductive manner. At any time students can be seen practicing, while the chairs are generally occupied with flirtatious, demonstrative couples. I was only mildly surprised to hear the beds in each dormitory have silencing charms woven into their curtains, more-so when I discovered that the female dormitories in Hufflepuff have no wards against male intrusion as is standard in the other three Houses.
In retrospect, the stereotype of the bumbling, chubby Hufflepuff is completely at odds with the students who inhabit this House, with the large majority appearing to be fit, handsome and clear-skinned, with a healthy, wholesome look. Of course, there are those who have an unfortunate ride through puberty, but on the whole, the average Hufflepuff is better toned, and more attractive than any Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, or Slytherin, with the exception of Blaise Zabini (Slytherin, Class of 1998, and recurring centrefold for Witch Weekly)*.
Hannah Abbott, a Hufflepuff in the same year as Zabini, explains"
"We're a house full of sexual libertines, and great emphasis is placed on the physical attributes of an individual so most students applied themselves to a vigorous training schedule to keep fit. Sometimes you chose an older student to emulate… a lot of the boys chose Cedric Diggory. He was one of the best… [laughs] in both senses of the word!" [Abbott winks at interviewer].
Accounts from both Abbott and other former Hufflepuffs ascertain that the First through Fourth years are magically prevented from engaging in sexual relations, and learn to maintain their health and fitness, while reading books on how to give pleasure, and prevent pregnancy.
Clearly, the reputation has been well-hidden though it does enlighten one about the real intention behind the saying 'Hufflepuffs Do It Better" (for many years believed an adage on the hardworking nature of the House of Badgers, but now revealed to be a wistful jealousy of those who have been lucky enough to enjoy relations with a Hufflepuff, former or current).
SLYTHERIN HOUSE
Established 48AD by Salazar Slytherin
Insignia: Serpent House Colours: Green and Silver
Located in the dungeons, the Slytherin Common Room is found directly beneath the Lake, thus producing a greenish glow to the lights. The objects found within are all of the highest quality, and tend to be black or silver with green highlights. As the majority of Slytherin students are from pureblood families – or, at the very least, half-bloods – the social hierarchy is a governing factor. Unlike the Houses Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff and Gryffindor, the social plane is always changing and revolves on a favour-for-status train that lasts from the first to seventh years.
Unfortunately, a result of this 'gift' exchange is the unremitting kleptomania that plagues the dungeon-dwellers. Privacy and advanced security charms are taught at home in the families where Slytherin House is long-standing legacy, while those unfortunate students unaware of the House's heritage are the first to suffer theft by a dorm-mate who is attempting to raise their status. Traditionally, it is possessions of the parents or dorm-mates that are hocked by younger students, while the elder ones deal almost exclusively in complex potions, rare ingredients or expensive black market materials (one reason is that by this age, belongings are hard to obtain unless you are the rightful owner, and the other is the greater profit).
Furthermore, bribery is considered a solid, dependable precursor to favours, and is a popular way to gain popularity. Occasionally, parents will initiate this system, as was noticeable with Draco Malfoy and his two body-guards, Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle, who were practically employees by the time he started Hogwarts.**
In 1643, Slytherin House was gutted by one Augustin Killjoy, a Slytherin student with no qualms in selling, who managed to rifle through the entire Commons and put a price to every object in it bar a hideous lamp made from the spine of a Grindylow, and three of the beds in the Seventh Year dormitory (which, interestingly, had been spelled against movement because one individual had foreseen that beds might be considered fair game). The serving Head of House was required to replace everything and the Killjoy was suspended for three months and placed into an early rehabilitation program organised by the Headmaster, while the reason behind the synchronised disappearance of one hundred and twelve separate items of furniture was kept strictly under wraps.
Unsurprisingly, there were no Slytherins, former or current, willing to expound on their House's heritage for the sake of literature – not even Blaise Zabini would comment aside from confirming that he was asked by the Sorting Hat "Would you sell your mother?" (to or for what it is unknown). As such, it is clear that while Slytherins have upward mobility in mind and a kleptomaniac streak a mile wide, they also have a keen eye for business deals (whether they be above or below the law).
GRYFFINDOR HOUSE
Established 48AD by Godric Gryffindor
Insignia: Lion House Colours: Red and Gold
Gryffindor Tower serves as the Commons and dormitories for Gryffindor students, with the entrance on the Seventh Floor, behind a painting of the Fat Lady (a heavy-set woman with a pink silk dress and a romantic heart). She allows entry only to those with the correct password, and for those that pass through a lovely circular room is revealed. There are two staircases that lead to the girls and boys dorms, and a sturdy fireplace, and much comfortable furniture for the students to sit happily with their Housemates.
Characterised as daring, brave and reckless, Gryffindors have possibly the closest outside appearance to their inner Common Room happenings. They are acknowledged as a 'party house', throwing loud, raucous gatherings with much Butterbeer, and food obtained from either Hogsmeade or the Kitchens. Often there is Firewhiskey, though none would reveal who supplied them, (though there are a number of palpable suspects).
Following in their Founder's footsteps, competitions and dares are very popular, and indeed almost expected among the older students. Common dares involve nudity, alcohol, food, and sports, while beer-pong (introduced by a muggle-born American after the Second Modern Wizarding War) is played with Firewhiskey and retains popularity among the Sixth and Seventh Years.
Charlie Weasley, Quidditch Captain and second oldest brother of Ronald Bilius Weasley, is the current champion of the Nude Triple Circuit, with a time of one minute and four seconds. According the details I have managed to uncover, the event involves riding a Quidditch broom inside the Tower, tagging objects and not being caught by two human Blugders (it also involves not being caught by the Head of House, because regardless of House history and the heritage of dare completion, full nudity is not desired in the Common Room).
A book designed to emulate the Book of Gross was created in the eighteenth century, and takes pride of place on the mantle. Notable entries include Sirius Orion Black and James Potter (a team victory in the Two-Person Somersault), Gideon Prewett (entry obscured by unknown substance, though it ends with a capitalised 'WHILE NAKED'), and Albus Dumbledore (Four Hundred and Thirty-Nine Lemon Drops Consumed in Three Minutes).
Gryffindor keeps its title of the House of the Reckless, but it reveals a more varied palate than previously acknowledged, with a great many talented individuals noted in the Book of Gryffindor for students to read about and compete with in the centuries to come.
CONCLUSION
As you can see, my research clearly elucidates the undercover worlds within the Hogwarts Common Rooms, and the little known histories of the Four Founders. The stereotypes and assumptions have been explored, and the true Hogwarts has been revealed. I hope that this has been an informative and not unwelcome report, Minister, and I wish that Hogwarts may continue to produce outstanding students for many more centuries, as it has always done.
[Nicholas Finchwhistle]
* Zabini's placement in Slytherin House has been commented on many times, as he never seemed to share the blood purity opinions of his Housemates and didn't appear to have any outwardly devious, sly or ambitious goals. However, upon interviewing the subject, I discovered that during his Sorting, the Hat was troubled, unable to choose between Hufflepuff and Slytherin, and determined which side of the fence the ball would fall by asking him the following question, "Would you sell your mother for-" His pre-emptive 'yes' stopped him from hearing the remainder of the question, but the absolute lack of hesitancy catapulted him into Slytherin without further ado.
**Naturally, the Slytherin system worked as a symbiotic relationship. For example, in the case of Malfoy and his two body-guards it was protection for rebounded status.
End.
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