OK, its official: apparently I have a new OTP. Angstchel, Rachel/Angst. I have NO clue why I love these, but I do. Enjoy Rachel's final goodbye.
To whoever finds this…
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry to tell you this, whoever the finder is, but this is my final goodbye. If you're reading this, it means I'm dead.
It means I'm free.
Sticks and stones, right? Sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you?
I applaud the creator of this little mantra. What an imaginative mind they have, but a delusional one as well.
I have my own saying. Sticks and stone may break your bones but words will break your heart.
Or spirit. Or soul. All of them are true in my case.
Did it matter to you? Maybe it's a Glee clubber that found this. Did you care that you saw me being harassed on a daily basis? Did it occur to you that I have feelings? That I have a heart?
I guess you know I have a heart now. A heart always becomes painfully known when it stops beating.
Truth be told, there are some people in Glee club, my "family" that I despise. Well, two. Quinn and Santana. I would say Brittany but she's too innocent to be aware that her words hurt me. She only knew that her friends took joy in torturing me, so I guess she thought she should too.
I wish she had better role-models, like Tina or Mike. I wish she learned to treat people kindly. But most of all, I wish she didn't depend on someone else to teach her who to be.
Whoever is reading this; my final wishes are to give this letter to all of the Glee club members, my dads, and Mr. Schuester.
Quinn, Santana, you were the only members of Glee I really hated. You were the ones who made me start cutting myself. It was your comments on my MySpace page and your daily insults in the hallways that really made me take a razor to my skin. I couldn't handle it. Words are painful, no matter what people say. They hurt and cut and destroy. And I don't care how you react to this, whether you're indifferent, uncaring, and unaffected, or devastated, horrified, and sorrowful. All I care about is that you realize what you did.
Finn…I love you. Well, I loved you. But you broke my heart too many times for my heart to be capable to love you anymore. My heart is empty as I write this, all because of you. I hope you're happy that you did this to me, Finn; I hope you're happy that most of the fault lines in my heart were your doing.
To Mr. Schue, thank you. You're one of the people I thank on my deathbed. Thank you for teaching me, even for a brief period of time, what it's like to really live. Only when I was with you, laughing about Broadway and music and the terrible music of today's generation, did I truly feel alive and happy.
Kurt and Mercedes, you were the closest things I had to friends; however, you constantly seemed to break that friendship to throw insults about my wardrobe and attitude back in my face. But, thank you for the good times we had in Kurt's room, gossiping about the newest celebrities and eating pizza. You always brought smiles to my face…but took them away just as easily.
Brittany, Sam, Lauren, Mike, Tina, Sugar, Artie, thank you too. Although we were never really close, you were the only ones who never tried to torture me. Well, besides Brittany, but as I said earlier, she doesn't know any better.
Puck, thanks for not bullying me anymore. You always slushied me and called me names, but then you changed. You even defended me on more than a few occasions. So thanks, I guess.
Daddy, Papa, I love you so much. I will miss you, and I know you'll be heartbroken over this, but you have to promise to stay strong and move on. Remember that my death isn't in vain; it's freeing me from the torture I went through every day. I'm sorry I never told you about the harassment; I wouldn't worry you like that. Just know that none of this is your fault; I don't blame you for anything. Goodbye. I love you.
Yentl. Dwarf. Hobbit. All common names, spat at me every day. And then, I went into Glee Club and wanted every solo, only because I wanted one thing in my life that made me feel important and special. At least some of you have things outside of Glee you're good at, things that you feel important doing. I don't. I have NOTHING besides Glee club, nothing that actually brings a smile on my face. Couldn't you have just done me a favor and given me that? Why did some of you love to watch me suffer?
I guess I have to say I will miss some of you. To the others, good riddance. You know which one you are.
I can just imagine you all now; crying, shaking, in black at my funeral. And when I see all those things…I feel nothing but relief that those things mean that my suffering is over.
I'm sorry. I would stay with you if I had the willpower or the tolerance for a life that just not worth living anymore. Whether you caused my grief, or are grieving as you read this, I'll say goodbye to you just the same.
Goodbye. Depending on who is reading this now, I love you.
-Rachel
DON'T KILL ME! I'M AN ANGSTCHEL FAN!
Review?