*Disclaimer: As many do, I wish I owned the Twilight saga… but I don't, although I have borrowed some words verbatim from her books, and quite obviously the characters. Though I have used my own artistic license I must give credit where it is due and cite such parts to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer.
It gets cold in New England… a different kind of cold from Forks though -- a dryer cold. The kind with the gusting winds that bite at your face and gives you pure hatred for the months called 'winter.' Of course it feels different for me now; everything feels different since it happened.
A lot has changed since he left… more than what should for one conceivable lifetime, or two. Starting back when he first left… that seems so long ago now, hazy.
The dusty drawer in the back of my mind rattled terribly.
I realized my hands were shaking with anger. He was the man I loved, adored, gave my heart to, when I was eighteen, still young and innocent.
Cobwebs were shaken free, revealing a keyhole to the drawer… and I had the key…
I started to remember what he had done with the life I had thoughtlessly flung at him…
I found the key, and it stuck like a dagger, into my heart…
"Edward."
The drawer flew open, and I remembered.
He threw it away.
"Bella, I don't want you to come with me."
The memories crashed over me like a wave. I remembered how I felt in that solitary moment when I realized that he didn't want me... and I felt foolish knowing that all it took was for me to say his name to bring all that pain upon me again.
"I'm... tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I'm not human."
Of course a human would never be good enough for him. I had always known that, and still I wondered why he kept me around for so long. Watched me sleep, held me, kissed me, told me he love me… all the while I begged to be like him. I had asked him to turn me, hell, even my blood urged him to take me… all he had to do was drink, and not stop. He would have been rid of me in an instant, and satisfied at that.
I had been blissful… when it's good, then it's good… it's so good, until it goes bad. It took me ages to realize that I had been blinded; by love, by his beauty, dazzled by his eyes, his toxic breath; that underneath, he was a monster. He was a player of games, a chess master, moving his pawn around the board with ease; the pawn showing no resistance to his superior strength. He could will me to do anything, believe any lie. The real problem was: I wanted to believe.
If only if I had realized that was all it was; so much less than what I believed it to be.
"You're not good for me, Bella."
What had changed that had satisfied him? He hadn't won anything from his little game… had I bored him.
"Well... I won't forget. But my kind, we're easily distracted."
That was it: I had been a distraction. Tanya must have bored him… he moved to Forks, and decided that making a meager, yet deliciously fragrant human fall in love with him would be an interesting experiment. He probably wanted to see how long he could hold out.
God, I was so naïve... I had deserved it all. I had brought it upon myself. I was being punished; deserved it for being me, completely infatuated and drowning in my first love, adoring his every smile, heart palpitating with every off-chance glance in my general direction.
Now, I was not so ignorant.
Nails broke skin as I clenched my fists, stopping the shaking. It had taken years, long, brutal years, in which I had done everything to forget. I sat myself on my bed and grabbed a black leather book with a magnetic latch on the front, opened it and flipped to a clean page. The words that I continued to scrawl across them were hardly legible, what for my temper at the time, but pouring my heart onto paper always seemed to provide me with the best song lyrics; tonight was no different. I reread the words as they pulled me back into my emotion-soaked memories.
I had poured myself into poetry, music, and art. I secluded myself entirely, ignoring my past and afraid of my future. I had erased everything I had loved before. I shoved my ragged old books onto a dusty top shelf and forgot about them, including a copy of Wuthering Heights with any chapters including any semblance of the name Edward missing, and a flimsy shoe box.
"Don't worry. You're human- your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind."
I never thought anyone could be so wrong.
That was when it happened… everything changed in that instant…It was so hard, impossible, for me to handle on my own. I lost everything, in my entire world as Bella, anything that meant remotely something to me disintegrated before my muddy eyes. She was the reason I am the way I am today, the reason I am speaking to you now, so many years later.
Agony: a pain so strong that no soul should have to endure alone, but, somehow I prevailed… completely and utterly alone; I never thought it possible. My poor mangled heart… it wasn't fair to be so cruel to it, what had it done to him? Nothing, that's what… Wasn't he happy enough with my world crashing down upon me? Every thing I had accomplished back in Forks had centered on him, and with the keystone gone…well there's not much point in continuing is there?
So I left… saw the world, experienced things in ways I never had before; not that I really had a choice in the matter, when finally I decided that I was running, and not living. Sure, he couldn't keep his promises… but I could. That's when I came back to the states.
Well, here I am, in New Hampshire, in a school I don't belong; all because I'm too stubborn to give up on the last shreds of what pride he left me with. The campus was beautiful no doubt, and even though it's the smallest of Ivy League schools, it was too big for me. I hate being a number… one more reason to have no motivation aside from a failing past that wasn't going to return.
On the upside of things, I have all the time in the world to do well and now I have a chance to start with a clean slate. A box of hair dye adorned my bathroom sink and a new set of clothes was hanging in my closet… Alice would have been proud. Taking down my waist length hair I jumped into the shower to begin my transformation.
"Wow! Isabella! It's… fantastic! So… you, but obviously different; I love it!" she yelled after I heard the front door slam. Vie is my 22 year old roommate from Boston, she has shoulder length blonde hair and a toned, tanned body. She reminded me of the volleyball players from Phoenix, and seemed out of place here to me, but the guys like her so I guess she can't complain.
Neither could I to be quite honest. After a very rough spot I handled everything well and embraced my new lifestyle. I've finally started eating more and I gained sexy, voluptuous curves that girls pay thousands to achieve. My skin, pale as ever, was now complimented by my fiery new hair color, courtesy of a box of Natural Instincts, and adorned with startling eyes. I was a man-eater myself… no pun intended.
I wandered into my room of our two bedroom apartment and donned my new outfit, straight off the rack from our new shipment at work. First, a smoky grey, off the shoulder top, with a lace accented band across the collar and rouched tiers of fabric down to my waist, followed by a pair of cropped, black jeans with high-waist and metallic sheen. The coup de gras: a pair of black, patent stitched pumps. As a manager, the store prefers me to wear their clothing to give the customers an idea of our product off of the mannequin, and who could argue free clothes? Besides, I look far better than any of the plastic ladies in that store… alive or otherwise. After a quick check in the mirror I grabbed my nametag and purse, pulled on my plaid, double breasted coat and rushed off to work, eager to get it over with.
***
The hours passed slowly, as it always seems to when you're expecting something afterward. I hummed to myself as I arranged some of our new shipment on the rack when I got a light tap on my shoulder. "Excuse me?" a tiny voice chimed. I turned, "How can I -- Oh my God." My mouth dropped in disbelief. Was I really seeing her? "Alice?!" She jumped forward and wrapped her arms around my neck hugging me tightly. "Wha- What are you doing here?"
"Wow, you've become more beautiful than I envisioned! Bella you're gorgeous!"
"Thank you… its Isabella now, actually. How is everyone? How are you?"
"I'm wonderful, so is Jasper; Esme and Carlisle are as devoted as ever, and I imagine that if a vampire could get headaches Emmet would have plenty from dear Rosalie." She said with a giggle. "Oh, and to answer your question of 'why am I here', well that's simple, I'm here to see you silly."
"How did you find me? I mean, how you knew that I'd be here, at Dartmouth of all places."
"Oh Bella, your memory really is fuzzy isn't it? My visions, I saw you coming here the moment the thought crossed your mind. But when I saw you like this… a vampire, oh! This is absolutely wonderful, now we can really be best friends!"
"You were watching me… through your visions? I bet he put you up to this didn't he…" I instigated.
"No, of course not, it's just that, once I've become attuned to someone it's much easier to see their path without trying. I honestly wasn't spying on you Bella, I promise, you just popped into my head; please don't be mad at me."
"Don't be silly, I couldn't be mad at you Alice, but please, stop calling me Bella. That was a lifetime ago." I sighed and looked around the store, empty. "How… how is –"
"He's different." I was silent. "When he left, we only saw him for a moment, but his expression… and poor Jasper he had such a hard time dealing with that…"
This entire time, I thought of myself as the victim…never even considering his family. I figured they were all in on it. Curious, "What do you mean 'when he left'?"
"Well, after you left him Bella, he was crushed. He went out East somewhere; he keeps changing his mind so I never know for sure where he is." She pouted.
"What? Is that what he told you? That I left him?" I scoffed. "Didn't you see what happened in your visions?"
She blinked confusedly. "Well, I saw you both, standing in the woods. Edward's face seemed tormented… but before I could see anything else it ended… I had no reason to dispute him. Are you saying that's not what happened?"
"No… not exactly. Edward…" I spat his name. "…he left me. He got bored and decided to go." I looked angrily over Alice's head out the front windows of the store trying to distract myself from my newfound rage, venom pooled in my mouth. He lied to his whole family, and painted me as the bad guy… bastard.
"Listen Bella –"
"Isabella…"
She sighed. "Isabella, listen… I will find out what happened okay? I believe you."
"What the hell does this mean now?" I muttered to myself
"That's a question only he can answer…"
"That was rhetorical…"
We were silent for a short time, Alice perusing the racks of clothes; she broke the silence. "These are some of the cutest club clothes I've seen in a while… we absolutely have to go out sometime soon! What are you doing tonight?" Apparently my outburst hadn't made her feel uncomfortable… that made me feel better.
"Well… you're going to laugh at me, but, I've started a new hobby." She shot an inquisitive look at me, with a smirk. "What is it?"
"I was reading through some of the scribbles in my notebooks from back in high school and decided that they could make good song fodder… so yeah."
"What do you mean, 'so yeah.'?"
"I sing."
"How is that embarrassing?"
"Alice, you know me. I may have been changed but I'm still getting used to the whole… confidence thing."
"Well, if it's any consolation I think that's wonderful. It'll go wonderfully with Edward's compositions."
"Alice, don't start anything. He chose to leave, so please, if you see him promise me to block all of this from your thoughts, ok? I'm finally becoming ok…"
"Ok, but only because you're my friend. Besides, I've seen it anyway." She glanced at the clock. "Its closing time, I'll leave you to your work. I'll see you again soon, I promise ok?"
"Thank you for coming to see me Alice, I've missed you a lot." She smiled over her shoulder at me and winked as she walked out the door. "Bye Bella."
***
Vie and I had plans to meet after I got off so she could dish about her new boy-toy, which happened nearly every Friday night. She worked at the local coffee shop known as The Spot. A glorified small-town coffee house… it was too commercial to be considered small town by any means, but ask any college kid and they would swear up and down that it was the place to be if you were in the art scene. They frequently had local artists crooning on the stage and the dark-lit seating was occupied by self-proclaimed poets mulling over tattered Poe books. Tonight was my turn.
A few murmurs crossed the room as I took the small stage, awed gasps from the audience as the lights reflected oddly off of my bare shoulders. I set my jacket on the stool beside me and took a deep, sweet smelling breath; the mic creened with feedback.
"Sparkling angel, I believed you were my savior in my time of need.
Blinded by faith I couldn't hear, all the whispers, the warnings so clear.
I see the angels; I'll lead them to your door.
There's no escape now, no mercy no more.
No remorse cause I still remember."
The pianist worked his way in to accompany me.
"The smile when you tore me apart, you took my heart, and deceived me right
from the start. You showed me dreams; I wished they'd turn into real.
You broke a promise and made me realize, it was all just a lie."
"Sparkling angel, I couldn't see your dark intentions, your feelings for me.
Fallen angel, tell me why?
What is the reason, the thorn in your eye?
I see the angels; I'll lead them to your door.
There's no escape now, no mercy no more, no remorse 'cause I still remember.
The smile when you tore me apart"
"You took my heart, and deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams; I wished they'd turn into real.
You broke a promise and made me realize, it was all just a lie."
"Could have been forever… now we have reached the end."
"This world may have failed you; It doesn't give you reason why… you could have chosen a different path in life."
"The smile when you tore me apart…
You took my heart, deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams; I wished they'd turn into real.
You broke a promise and made me realize, it was all just a lie."
"Could have been forever, now we have reached the end."
The piano keys trickled to a close.
My audience sat in an almost stunned silence as my song ended. A clap started from someone in the back corner of the shop and trickled across the rest of the room before becoming a full applause. I smiled, took my jacket and a seat in a booth to the left of the stage.
Vie shrugged off her apron, grabbed two tall mocha-frapa-somethings and sat in our booth, brimming with excitement. I glanced at her, expecting the inevitable onslaught of pointless facts about some random male somewhere on campus, and reached for my 'coffee.' "Well?"
"Ok, so…" she started. "This guy is so gorgeous you won't even believe it!" Oh really… I thought. "He's tall, has this dirty-blonde, messy looking hair, with the most fantastic eyes I have ever seen in my entire life! And his voice… oh, it sounds like music, you absolutely have to see who I'm talking about or you'll never understand." I'm sure he's not that fantastic… poor delusional Vie.
"Well, I'll just have to see for myself won't I?" I said with a smile. "That shouldn't be a problem; he's getting on stage now." She said beaming. I chuckled and fake sipped my macchiato-whatever as I casually endured her swooning when I heard the piano keys chiming and the soft voice weaving over the melody with a warmth like cello strings. Too familiar…I shook a fuzzy memory from my head before I could generate any strains of misguided hope, and closed my eyes to concentrate on relaxing myself, but the images merely strengthened. I could handle these memories, as long as I really tried. Besides, there was no chance of seeing him again so why not entertain what tiny bit of my past that remained locked away that allowed me to remember those short few months of my past? I had to distract myself…I decided it was my turn to question.
"Well… what did you talk about?" I asked. "See, that's just it! I've never had a guy treat me like he did before, it was so confusing. I dropped my pencil studying in the library and he picked it up for me. He was so quiet I hadn't even noticed him. Of course he was so hunky that I couldn't let him leave without catching his attention, so I tried the usual. Y'know, fluttering my eyelashes, leaning towards him, was flirting my butt off… but when I looked into his eyes, which were the most incredible shade of gold by the way…"
Ideas were seeping into my brain as she rambled… these thoughts couldn't be true, my mind was just fabricating something I wanted to hear, selective thinking, nothing factual. Wait… did she say…
"Gold? As in… topaz?" I questioned. "Hmm, sure I guess so, he just looked… pained. It was unnatural, like my talking to him had driven a knife into his gut or something… ridiculous! When I asked him what was wrong he said 'Nothing, your shirt just reminded me of someone.' I mean really… my shirt upset him that much?"
Her voice started to sound muffled and everything else in the room drifted from my perception... I was concentrating on her shirt... a white eyelet lace camisole...
She continued to complain until the music ended; I refused to turn around, shielding myself from view with my hair. Quickly I excused myself before gentle applause rolled through the room; I took my vantage point from outside. As I mentioned before, a lot has changed since he left, including my vision, I could see inside very clearly but the singer had left.
**Ok, so, this is the first chapter of a burst of inspiration. I hope you enjoyed it, more will be coming soon. I appreciate reviews but please don't sugar coat it; I'd much rather read constructive criticism in order to improve. Thanks!
***Song – Angels; Within Temptation
****All clothes mentioned can be found on Charlotte Russe's website (I just really like that store ;-) )