A/N: This was written for the CMDA Secret Santa swap for Imaginariet. Hope you enjoy it!
Happy Holidays and a Happy New Year to all! My thanks to Biff and Zute, my rock-steady friends, and fellow writers.
What Lies Upon the Horizon
"Maker, it's like we were here just yesterday, seeing this forest for the first time together." Adria inhaled deeply and closed her eyes, relishing the smell of the mountain forest after a rain shower. The road to Ostagar thus far had been mercifully uneventful. "Do you remember that first day we were finally alone, miles away from Highever?"
"I remember it well." Duncan glanced at her sideways, afraid for her, her guilt and self-reproach almost more than he could bear. "Are you all right, Adria?"
"I'm fine," she said, when in reality, she was numb. The world was against her, life was against her. But she felt it was stupid and weak to have those thoughts. "Such a terrible waste, don't you think? Nan, Roland, and all those war hounds! Highever will never be the same."
"Curious that you should mention those hounds when-"
"When what?" she interrupted, turning to face him at the top of a hill. "So many other decent and honest people weren't saved?"
"Yes…." he said. "But you haven't mentioned your family at all since we left."
Anger, fear, sorrow-even love-fought for a place in her reaction. "Nor will I." Twigs crunched under her boots as she headed downhill toward a lake.
"Then perhaps we should discuss the intricacies of the lavender blooms in Orlais instead," he quipped, deliberately staying behind her.
"Please, Duncan, you know how I detested living there, with all their pomp and posturing. It was ridiculous. If it weren't for my…." Her knuckles cracked as she flexed her fingers. "And I blame you for not pressuring him into letting me join the Wardens last year when I begged you to."
"Of course you do." A warm chuckle came from deep in his chest. Her ability to make him laugh had attracted him in the first place. Years of duty and battle went by with nary a chuckle or a hearty laugh, but the day he was introduced to Adria, he was captivated by her sassy charm and impressed with her talent for stealth, having been a victim of her pick-pocketing. He found himself laughing more in the space of an hour that day than he had in years.
He longed to see that part of her now. She'd been withdrawn and quiet after they left the castle, and although she was talking more, something still wasn't quite right with her. A lesser person would have jumped from the ramparts, but not Adria. She soldiered on. After all, the words "Cousland" and "duty" were interchangeable. Still, he didn't like what he heard in her voice, flat and absentminded, as if she were talking to herself, and her faraway eyes stared vacantly time and again. I must get through to her. He chanced stating the obvious. "You don't have to do this, pretend as if you're not grieving."
"I'm not pretending to do anything. What you see is what you get with me."
"That's not true of any of us, but especially not true of you."
"My feelings are my own, and I'd prefer if you'd just drop it."
He caught up with her and took hold of her arm. "It was a tragedy, an unavoidable tragedy. We both did our best to save everyone we could. Thank the Maker you were-"
"Don't say it again, Duncan." She pulled away and stepped back. "And for Maker's sake, don't coddle me. I swear, you're worse than my father ever was."
"Your father had his hands full. You're impulsive and play everything fast and loose. It's no wonder the man wanted you under lock and key most days." Duncan dropped his pack and motioned for her to do the same. "But his actions were for your safety, not to mention his peace of mind."
"Thanks for the commentary, Ser Obvious." She snorted and tossed her pack several feet away from his, then batted her eyelashes. "They always say girls fall for men like their fathers." She tilted her head and studied his face. "I suppose you'll do."
"That's a compliment, isn't it?"
"It is, but don't get used to it." A flicker of mischief in her eyes made him smile.
"No worries there," he said, his expression caring. "But stop changing the subject and tell me what you are truly feeling. You must come to terms with what transpired in Highever."
She rolled her eyes and twisted her neck before answering with a tremendous sigh. "Howe had everyone slaughtered and I'm going to kill him for it. There. I've come to terms with it."
"Damn your stubbornness! It's better to feel the pain than not to feel at all." He took her hands in his, held them to his chest and stared into her eyes. "Say their names at least. If not to me, then say it to the Maker or that tree over there or silently in your own mind, but acknowledge their deaths. Only then will you be able to hold them in your heart as I know you wish to do."
"Don't you get it, Duncan? They were my family but they were also people I never saw eye-to-eye with most days. If anything, I feel relieved that I don't have to listen to all their problems and directives anymore."
"Stop it, Adria. Stop lying. Do you forget who has watched you and your family thrive these last years? I've seen the love you shared with them and the joy in their eyes when you entered a room. Do not pretend as if it were all an act. I know otherwise."
"Well good for you, Duncan. You've got it all figured out." He stared at her, seeing right through her, but she trusted him to wait patiently until she felt ready to speak the truth. "What's to be your prize then?"
"How about a little honesty? Tell me you're angry and that you despise me and everyone in Thedas, but don't shut me out."
"What do want me to do?" she asked, flailing her arms about. "Fall to my knees and cry to the heavens for cursing my family so?"
"That would be a start, yes."
"Honestly, Duncan, we're not married, so stop treating me like I'm your responsibility."
"I may not be a youthful knight meant to sweep you off your feet, but you are my responsibility. It's what your father wanted, what he asked of me."
Her face fell a little, and her eyes strayed to the edge of the lake. "I see. It was your duty."
"No, it was my choice." Maker damn it all, becoming involved with her had been questionable in a hundred different ways, and he would do well not to lose sight of that. But what really made all the difference were the coy looks and the heated touches. She made him feel like a young man again, full of strength and power. A man in love. "Just remember, everything I do is to protect you."
"Right. I've heard that before."
"Yes, you have. I am nothing if not completely honest with you."
"Are you?" Her eyes narrowed, her implications clear. "What were you so busy doing when they dragged my father away and killed my family in cold blood?"
That hurt him, and she had no right to hurt him. She had no right to make him feel inferior, and ire surfaced in reaction. "I was on the far side of the castle when Howe's men infiltrated, damn it, ignorant of his true motivations."
Even as she stared at him, contemptuous in her judgment, he loved her still, and wanted to love her with every fiber of his being. But this was one time he thought to break free and do what needed to be done, to end the Blight without the constant reality checks she placed on him unknowingly. Perhaps it was all part of a greater plan, he thought, to be allowed a taste of what a normal life would be like, a life of hearth and home and all the daily grievances that went with it. If so, it was a cruel plan. If only the future wasn't so dim….
He stilled his tongue and calmed his resentment. "You're angry, and rightly so. If you must take it out on me, so be it, but don't think for a second that I had anything to do with Howe's treachery. I am a Grey Warden before all, and the darkspawn incursion is my only concern, not the politics and betrayals of nobles," he said firmly. "And furthermore, I found your father as you saw him, mortally wounded. I could not move him from the castle safely. And to be honest, my main concern was finding you. Had you not come into the pantry when you did, I would have left him there alone in search of you."
She'd expected a more indirect response and his candor caught her off-guard. "Well that's only because… because you needed another Grey Warden, right?"
"Wrong." Without pretense, he brushed her lips with a soft kiss. "Because I needed you."
She gaped at him, shocked. Even he looked surprised by his admission. How she loved his honesty and sensitivity. He could be so rough, so merciless with others but was always kind and gentle with her. "All I know is my parents are gone, my brother is who knows where, and I am alone."
"You are not alone. You have the Wardens, when we get to Ostagar, and you have me." He placed a warm hand on her cheek. "Or do I not count anymore?"
"Of course you count. But if I say what you want to hear, what you mean to me…." Her throat constricted. The truth had been a death sentence for everyone she'd ever loved mere hours before. "It's all too much, Duncan, too much… heartache."
"I know it is." He pulled her into an embrace and she rested her head on his chest, wrapping her hands tightly around his body. Duncan had to say something that would make her expel the demons haunting her thoughts, however gut-wrenching it would be for her as well as himself. "You're feeling helpless and alone, barely able to form coherent thoughts because you weren't able to save them, because you watched as one by one, your family was cut down and murdered. Remember that rage and feel it again. Set yourself free, Adria."
Visions of that night became increasingly vivid in her mind. The fury welled up inside her, scorching her soul, and she shook as she tried to contain it. Let it go, an inner voice whispered. It hurts too much to hold it inside. Just let it out. She screamed. "Yes, I abandoned them! I left them to die! And I will make that bastard pay for what he's done if I have to die doing so!"
"I'm sorry you have to go through this, Adria." Burying his face in her hair, he ran his arms down her back, pulling her closer. "Cry all you want and do not be frightened of it."
From deep inside her, wracking sobs escaped. So deep, they hurt. He held her even as she struggled to free herself. Raw grief overflowed like flooding rains, purging her pain until the tears began to run dry as the sobs subsided with pauses of enormous self-control. At last they died off softly, like intermittent drops at the end of a rainfall.
He held her shoulders and watched her recover, ignoring the dull ache in the pit of his stomach. The worst of it was over.
"Forgive me, Duncan. I'm sorry, so sorry… for everything." She said his name on a sigh as she collapsed into his arms again, wrapping her arms around him like she'd never let go, a little girl and a grown woman all at once. "All their deaths. Mother, Father, Orin, Nan. And your worry over me."
"We only worry over the ones we love."
Adria sniffled, squeezing his hand. "I bet you," she paused to swipe a hand across her eyes, "I bet you've never cried in your life."
"Were that only so, I would be a legend among the Wardens."
A soft laugh escaped through the tears. "You know you already are, and not just among the Wardens."
She drew in a sharp breath as he held her face as if she were made of fragile glass. Tilting her head up to his, he brushed a finger across her lips. "You are so beautiful," he murmured. "I love you as much as any man loves his wife. I might even love you more than the Maker intended a man to love a woman, and if that's wrong, so be it. But I believe you love me the same way, and for that reason, I needed to help you through this."
"It's strange, but I feel pity, too. For me, for them. And I hate feeling that. My fury where Howe is concerned is a far more respectable emotion."
A sudden smug grin crept to his lips. "Remember the day your horse kicked me, and at your urging I might add? As I recall there was a fair amount of apologizing and blubbering over my motionless body before you dumped a pail of water on my face. You just choose to vent your emotions in rather… odd ways at times."
Her eyes filled with sudden dark shadows that told of the emptiness in her soul, the thirst for revenge that sprang from loss, and an all-consuming need for absolution. "I know you love me, Duncan. You have always loved me and you always will. No one else would have the nerve to do what you've done for me today."
For a moment it looked as though there were tears in his eyes, but he straightened himself. "You knew this and yet you remained silent, as if I'm barely an acquaintance. Why?"
"Because nothing is forever."
He nodded, taking a proud and deep breath. "I've taught you well. But remember, we are not meant to be solitary in this life. Promise me that no matter what happens in the days to come, you will not close yourself off from those who wish to befriend you."
"I don't need anyone but you."
"But you will some day. I know everyone at the encampment. You will make fast friends with many there, and one Warden in particular, I'm sure. His name is Alistair. He's still a bit green, but he is more honorable and brave than most. He could learn from you as well."
She squinted. "Are trying to get rid of me?"
"No. Nothing could be further from the truth," he said in the jovial, deep voice she loved.
"Well, I only have eyes for you, so don't try to push me off, as if your-" Don't say it! She looked away, knowing their time together was to be determined by outside forces. "Just stop, all right? Let's enjoy this time alone."
As her palm came toward his face, he caught her wrist, his eyes tender and passionate. "None of that just yet. We're both far too dirty to indulge at the moment."
"When has a little road dust ever stopped us from stripping and hitting the ground?"
"Don't tempt me," he growled against her neck. Instead of enticing passion, his gentle kisses soothed her a little. "It's growing dark. We should make a small camp here for the night."
"Really, Duncan, when did you become such a bore?"
A flicker of defiance lit in his eyes, daring and exciting. Her heartbeat quickened and she looked away, searching for something to distract her, but he slipped his hand behind her neck and lowered his head, his lips next to her ear. "Allow me to demonstrate what a bore I am," he whispered. "Later." With a firm grip meant to convey whatever strength and encouragement he could, Duncan drew her closer. His lips met hers with a fierce intensity that stole her breath away.
The kiss was long and deep, and left her feeling faint and disoriented. Scared and encouraged. Excited and hesitant. A whirlwind of emotions stormed within her and she choked back the tears. Her eyes opened to see the face imprinted on her heart. There was so much she wanted to tell him, so much she wanted to say. But the time wasn't right. Or was it?
"Sometimes I wish we didn't have to go to Ostagar. We could just disappear and make a life for ourselves in a place no one could ever find us, just a normal, uneventful life, with you," she said. "I know that's silly but…." Her eyes glistened as she caressed his face. "Tell me you'll never leave me, Duncan, never hurt me."
"I will not now, nor will I ever hurt you, Lady Cousland." He pressed hard against her, all masculinity and power. "But you make it difficult for me to keep my hands off you." He finally pulled away, a smile playing at the sides of his mouth. "Enough of this talk for now, hm?"
She eyed the setting sun. "Well, I could use a dip in the lake anyway."
"I just happen to have that soap from Orlais you love. Why don't you gather some rose petals and I'll wash your hair."
"I'm not an invalid," she snapped, then shook her head. Her expression softened when she saw the disappointment in his eyes.
"Allowing me the small pleasure of running my fingers through your hair and massaging your scalp does not mean there is any dependence on your part, you know." He grumbled something with a shake of his head and then began making camp.
"Just my hair then?" she shouted at his back, with an air of insolence that often made his hackles rise.
"For now, that is my offer. You can accept it, or you can take to your bedroll early... and alone."
"Ooh, you really are trying to rile me, aren't you?"
"I am." The tightness slowly leached out of his tone, and he focused on her. "But only because you make love like a hell-cat when you're provoked."
"In that case, I accept your offer!"
The small clearing near the lake was peaceful and serene. When she had enough rose petals, she watched as Duncan removed the bulk of his armor, leaving him bare-chested. How she longed to touch him, to run her hands over the rippling muscles of his shoulders and arms. Unable to resist any longer, she moved closer and reached up, tangling her fingers in his dark hair. Her lips pressed against his chest, her heart pounding as fast as his. "Duncan..."
"Hold those thoughts. And for Maker's sake, get this armor off." Her leathers dropped to the ground, and they took off. The grass, still damp from the recent rain, gave beneath their bare feet as he pulled her along until they reached the lake. A weathered log rested at the edge of the water, making a perfect seat.
"Sit here and lean back on my legs," he said, lathering up his hands with the soap and crushed rose petals.
She did as instructed and settled between his legs. He was careful to keep suds from her eyes, and shielded her face with one hand as he rinsed her hair with cupfuls of water, rubbing her scalp with his fingertips. By the time he finished, she was utterly relaxed, practically asleep. Then she felt him tugging at her shirt. With a knowing smile, she lifted her arms and off came the shirt.
Soaping up her shoulders and back, he smiled at her groans of pleasure, loving the intimacy of taking care of her. She didn't say a word, but her smile was sweet. He slid his hands over her body and watched as she rolled her shoulders, reveling in the fact that he knew which erogenous zones would turn her into a woman of sensuous submission. By Andraste, she will be my undoing.
In truth, never had she felt more cherished as when he bathed her with the patience of a man who seemed to be enjoying the task. He smoothed the palms of his hands over her hips, around the top of her thighs and back up, over the flat plane of her stomach. Expert fingers massaged her breasts, teasing and circling her nipples. She sighed softly as he rinsed her off and drew her to his chest. Enveloped in the security of his arms, she closed her eyes, and the slight chill in the air went unnoticed while a half moon shone down on them, glistening off the ripples on the lake.
She was utterly at ease when Duncan whispered into her ear.
"A copper for your thoughts."
She rearranged herself to face him, her arms encircling his neck. "It will take more than a copper for me to say what I'm thinking."
"Then I will say what I'm thinking." He scooped her up and carried her toward their camp, speaking softly along the way. "I want to kiss every part of you, to love you with my hands, adore you with my eyes," he said, his lips against her face, trailing kisses over every inch of skin he could reach. "I want to make love to you with all my heart."
She sighed into his kiss as he gently put her down on the bedroll. "There is no one else for me, Duncan. There could never be. I love you more than you know."
"I only know what you tell me, and I imagine the rest."
"Then I haven't told you enough. You'll be sick of hearing me say how much I love you by tomorrow."
He hovered over her, teasing her-and torturing himself. It took all his willpower not to plunge into her. "I doubt I will ever tire of hearing anything you say."
She wrapped her legs tightly around him, her voice urgent. "Duncan, please. I want you."
He held her gaze, his expression serious, his eyes filled with deep emotion, though his body was taut with desire. "Pledge yourself to me first, and I will pledge myself to you."
A shiver coursed through her. "Like a marriage vow?"
"Yes. We already know what's in our hearts, and no Chantry Mother could make our union any more complete or significant than it already is."
She smiled brightly. "I love you." A soft kiss drifted across his lips. "I will hold you in my heart as long as we both shall live."
"And I give my life to you, my power, my trust, and my heart. All that I am."
Their eyes met and intense emotions flowed between them, but neither said more. Their eyes were speaking in a way their voices never could. There were so many feelings written on his face, but the one that she saw most clearly was, "You are mine," and she was sure the same message was written on hers.
He moved faster then, arching over her and entwining their fingers. His chest grazed her nipples, and she drew her legs up along his sides as the urgency rose within them. Her hips moved in time with his as unyielding hands held her so tightly she knew there would be bruises when it ended. When his mouth sealed over hers, his tongue swept past her parted lips, teasing and tasting her with kisses that made helpless, hungry noises emerge from deep in her throat.
Covered by his muscular body, she was filled with him and the burning power of his love. She let go and surrendered to the splendor of their union, soaring beyond herself, beyond conflict and strife as pleasure tore through her body. Duncan was right there with her, part of her, soaring at her side.
She shivered and moaned as a chilly breeze came off the water, reality slowly returning and intruding on their momentary euphoria.
He reached down for one more kiss before gathering her into his arms. "Such a pleasant diversion." He pressed his lips to her neck, creating a pleasant tickle that spread throughout her body. "Now, tell me what comes next."
Bending her arms and pressing her hands into his shoulders, she straddled him. "Don't move."
He eyed her lazily and something flickered in his gaze, as if the thought of being submissive took more than just a bit of effort. "Turning the tables, are you?"
"You know me well, Duncan."
"I know trouble when I see it." He heaved himself up and deftly flipped her onto her back, pinning her arms above her head and forcing her thighs wide apart with his hips. "Now who's in charge?" he asked, grinning.
He slid his arms under her knees and brought her legs to his shoulders. Then he renewed his assault with his tongue and fingers, giving no quarter, and allowing her no respite.
Her senses were alive all night as they made love, arms and legs entwined, his body a welcome weight. The grass was warm against her back, and the breeze whispered through the trees. Ostagar seemed a million miles away. Even as the birds sang their cheerful response to the rising sun, they lay together without a word spoken, and in their hearts and minds, they each knew true happiness at last.