I DO NOT OWN KUROSHITSUJI!

To Love Someone

by:AnimeZingLover

Written in Alois's point of view

Ch.1- Slightly Chipped Full Moon

I sat in my study, playing with a pencil since I was so bored. Not like I'm not normally bored I usually am, its just...Im not sure, I just felt different in a way, like there was something missing in my life that i haven't yet discovered. I sat up from my previous position, my head was on my desk and my hands out, one on my documents and other important papers, and one holding my calligraphy pen.

I pushed the velvety chair back and walked out of the study, I wasn't sure were I was going or what I was doing but I knew it was important somehow...I guess thats why I didn't stop myself. I felt like i was hypnotized or sleepwalking but, I was aware of what I was doing and I wasn't making any effort of fighting back.

I walked in a dazed way down the massive halls, barely giving the humongous paintings or any of the other useless decorations a second glance. I leant against the wall, the carved edges in the wood were scraping my skin but I didn't really care. Right now nothing really mattered to me, I didn't even know what time it was or when the last time i had eaten or anything. Not like I care anyways.

I walked pass the triplets, they were whispering as always, probably saying there usual bad remarks about me. Im not as stupid and naive as I seem to be, I know everyone I'm my estate doesn't like me, in fact everyone hates me. Ciel,Claude,Hannah, the Triplets, even that butterfly I got out of the web, all despised my very being. I know everyone tried to kill me, but I just don't want to admit that its true.

I stopped in front of the kitchen, where Claude was. The demon spider that I traded my soul to for a wish, a single goal to fulfill. I didn't say anything as I approached my butler. I hate how he's so freakishly tall, it makes me feel like tuna in front of a shark. I know he could very well take my soul whenever he pleases but...but somehow I'm not scared of him. I know he's really the only person I have left that will stay with me when things go bad and hen things go good. I know this isn't love though, he doesn't do it of free will... I wish he did though. It makes me sad thinking that he cant even feel emotions other than the desire for a perfect untainted soul like Ciel. My life was fine until that bastard got into the picture...no Ciel isn't a bastard, its not his fault his soul is like that. I guess its Claude who is the bastard, betraying me left and right all for what? A taste of his blood, a bite on the skin, or the entire soul perhaps. I don't love Claude its not that...but i'd give anything just so he'd pay attention to me, even my own life. Then again I highly doubt doing that would gain anything and even if it did it would be useless if I wasn't alive.

What does it mean...to love someone? To put their will before yours? To pay attention to them only? To protect them with your life? This is something I want answered. But who should I ask? No one I know can answer that question for me. Even so I asked Claude, I guess the reason I ask him everything is because he's the only one who listens to me. I get the same kind of answer I always get from him. Its always "only if this" or "when this", why cant he just give me a straight foreword answer? Would a simple "yes" or "no' kill him? Heh, then again he is a demon, he cant understand love. Who does in this world? And just when you think you have it 'SNAP' and its all over, everything gets taken from you and you cant get it back no matter how loud you scream or how much you beg it can never come back. Thats what I've learned over the course of my now short and pitiful life.

I decided go go visit Ciel Phantomhive, I know he probably doesn't want to see me but I don't give a damn. I want to ask him my question and I want him to answer me. He probably hates my guts... no I know he hates my guts. I don't understand what I ever did wrong! I wasn't the one who ruined his life...am I? The truth is that I love Ciel Phantomhive. Even though I swore to make him mine, just to put Sebastian through his own internal hell, I really do want to make him mine. I don't want anyone touching his soft skin or looking through his endless blue eyes. Those eyes, they look like the soft glow bluebells on the fragile wings of a butterfly.

At the though of it I started to cry...

I looked around to make sure no one saw me, then again even if someone did would they care? They would just think I was being my bipolar self again, but does it ever occur to people that I have feelings too?! I may not understand them but I still have feelings!

I called Hannah to take me to see him... Ciel Phantomhive... She nodded without hesitation and went to get a carriage ready quickly. Stupid maid. She never does anything useful for me. Then again I cant complain, at least my servants don't wreck everything up.

I just wish I was better at reading peoples emotions. Like I said, I'm just not good with feelings. I guess you can say I'm 'one hell of a hypocrite'. I expect others to understand what I'm feeling. Really I don't understand what most feel at all. I honestly just want someone to care about me again...

Now I don't care about other peoples feelings or emotions. If they don't do the same for me why should I do the same? Why should I be any different? I got into the carriage that stupid made got for me.

I've heard that she loved me but...I don't think thats true at all. The only look close to love she's ever given me was pity, and thats not even close to love. I think its just her having more of a motherly love then a romantic one.

The carriage was jumping up and down slightly from the rocky path underneath the slim wheels. I always have to go through the forest to get to the Phantomhive Manor. I hate going through the forest. Its so dark... it reminds me the time I found Luka. It was so dark...not a single beam of moonlight...thats when I found him. He was so lifeless and cold. His pupils were almost gone and that once childish laughter he had vanished along with his soul... and my love. I cried for so long after that.

I finally arrived at Phantomhive manor. It was getting quite dark, I looked to the horizon where the sun was resting on the earth. The sky was painted with beautiful brushstrokes of indigo, tropical oranges, and yellows. A tint of pink was near the bright orb in the sky. I thought it actually looked beautiful for once. I normally dont think such things but...right now I don't really care. I was feeling quite calm. I knew this couldnt last forever as the sun started to set below the earth.

The once colorful sky was now a light indigo color, stars painted the sky as the moon started to rise. It was the new moon, so it was quite large. I thought it was rather pathetic. Such a simple and beautiful sight, and yet it is wasted because there isnt a single soul awake to see it.I guess I would be the moon. I stand out from everyone else. Im not like the rest of the stars in the sky, and yet...im ok with that. I just wish I wasnt so different from others.

Im like the full moon, only some of me is missing. Like a crater in my soul. I guess you could say im a 'slightly chipped full moon'.