I can't believe what's happening to me.
I know I must sound like a whiny little bastard, but it's true. I just can't wrap my head around it.
But really, how is it my place to complain? I prayed for it. I said yes. There is no one to blame but me. I can't help but wonder, sometimes, what would have happened if I had said no. If I had shut Castiel out and just continued on with my life, my family and friends. I would be happy. My family would be happy. My wife would still have a husband, and my little girl would still have a father.
Sometimes. But then, I remember Sam and Dean. Those two would likely be dead without my – Castiel's – help. Or worse. They needed Castiel. But my family needs me, don't they? I have my own family. I want more than anything to contact Amelia and Claire and tell them I'm fine. Assure Amelia that she didn't kill me, that I'm still alive, and that everything will be alright.
But that's selfish of me, and I know it. If I go anywhere near my family with a fifty foot pole, I would only be hurting them. Demons would have their heads before anything could be done.
That's what hurt the most, I suppose. Wanting to protect my family would only get them killed.
I want to hate Dean. I really do. If he hadn't made that deal, if he could have just let Sam go, then my family wouldn't be in this mess. If Dean wasn't so selfish, I would still be with my wife and daughter. Their lives wouldn't be threatened by my mere presence. It would be normal. It would be safe. None of this would ever have happened.
I want to hate him, but I don't. I don't blame him for what he did. It was stupid, and it caused more damage than it did good. But to tell you the truth? I would have done the same thing. If my Amelia or Claire died, if anything happened to them at all...I would probably make a deal as well. I would do anything I could, anything at all to save them. It's very selfish, but I wouldn't care, and neither did Dean. That's what family is, I suppose.
At the very least, I'm rarely conscious enough to really think about it. Blissful darkness is all I have most of the time. On occasion, I'll comment on something, or have a short chat with Castiel, but aside from that, I don't really do much.
To be honest, I don't mind. I don't want to think. Because if I think, I think about my family, and that's the last thing I need. I can't ever see them again, and I understand why, and that's all I need to know.
I'll take the darkness over the thoughts any day.
My friend and I were talking about how I'm more comfortable with third person, but she's used to first person. It gave me the urge to write in first person, and what better to write than Jimmy-rambling?
I love Jimmy. Sue me.
And while you sue me, make sure to review.