The coach rolled trough the dangerous winding roads of high Uberwald. On the left there was a sheer wall of rock, on the right a huge drop to a thin forested valley bellow. Sometimes the wheels of the coach almost went off the road, and when they did a few small rocks fell to their doom(1). But the young pale man looking out the coach window didn't seem too worried when they did. He only nodded and rolled his eyes, half amused, half bored. He knew how the world worked, he knew rocks were expected to fall like that, on moments and places like those. It was as if the creator was simply writing stories where he had fun with as many clichés as he could think of. Sometimes the universe was as predictable as people. And that young man knew a lot about people. He already knew a lot when he left his home city of Ankh-Morpork, some months ago. But after crossing the plains, visiting most of its greatest cities, medium towns, and absolutely insignificant villages, and travelling through many of those tiny kingdoms on the Ramtop Mountains no one really knows about, he had become an expert on people and gentle, but very definite, persuasion.

Most of the other boys who had recently graduated from the guild school had chosen places like sunny Genua for their "Grand Sneer"(3). But not Havelock, oh no, he was more interested in places he believed would be of vital political importance in the future. And, once there, what he was doing was getting to know the "common man". He was amazed at how many buttons the "common man" had. In some ways it was better than clockwork. But the most amazing thing of all, he had learned, was that the "common man" were mainly anonymous farmers, but also kings, queens, lords, ladies, heroes and probably even lawyers. In a sense "the common man" was everyone, it seemed. The trick, apparently, was to find that out and then not letting everyone else know you were also a "common man". The rest seemed to be quite easy and…instinctive.

The sun was beginning to set behind a mountain. Suddenly the hunched coachman, started whipping violently the horses, and the coach, that up until now was rolling at a rather lazy pace, went into a mad run. Inside, all the ubberwaldian passengers, jumping and banging their heads on the ceiling, started looking expectantly towards Havelock. A thin old lady said something impatiently in her native tongue, hurrying him along.

"Is this really necessary?" he asked. "I've done this the last five times. It's becoming quite repetitive."

The old lady's only answer was a stony nod, followed by a hand pointing imperiously upwards.

"You zee," said a fat man with an even fatter mustache "it iz traditional for Morporkian visitors to do zo in these parts. It iz…expected."

Havelock took a deep breath and rolled his eyes.

"All right, all right…"

He then proceeded to put his head out the window and started knocking on the coaches' roof to attract the drivers' attention. Then, with the strongest morporkian accent he could fake, Havelock shouted:

"Oi, oi, driver, sir, couldn't you slow down a pip, old chap, my boy?"

Then he started silent mouthing the coachmans' answer.

"We hafe tho be inthide the cithy walth before thun down. Ith's Valgrupunglithvonpurgithnacht. It ith when the dead come from their graveth at night to drink the blood of the living."

"Yes, yes, jolly good then, do carry on. Cheerio and all that…"

When he got back in everyone was smiling and nodding at eachother for a job well done.

The old lady was particularly proud. But Havelock wasn't. That had been stupid and pointless. And he didn't like stupid and pointless things. They annoyed him. And when he was annoyed he liked to spread it around. Because then, he thought, the people who had annoyed him on the first place understood what he was feeling like and wouldn't do that again so soon.

And so he decided to teach those nice ubberwaldian people a lesson on logic, reason, and not making foreigners act like ignorant fools.First he smiled like everyone else, but then he stopped as if a doubt had crept into his mind and looked at everyone quite seriously.

"You know, there's something that's not quite right…"

While he talked he casually moved his black cloak to reveal part of his Assassin's Guild Pin.Almost immediately an uncomfortable feeling generated inside the coach.

"It's probably nothing…but, you know…we Morporkian people don't always get your ways. Let me just check… shall I…"

Once again he placed his head out the window and called the coachman.

"We hafe tho be inthide the cithy walth before thun down…"

Havelock climbed out the window, and leapt to the side of the driver. That somehow attracted his attention and stoped his automatic speach.

"Yes, you told me all that," he started playing casually with his pin while he talked, "but there where some things I didn't really understand…"

"Errrr… yeth…?" that was not how this was supposed to go.

"For example… you said it was… Valgrupunglisvonpurgisnacht…was it? But that sounds like…a made up word…I mean I've read a lot about your fine country and your fine traditions and never heard of something like that… What is it exactly?"

"Er…ith's a local holyday, thur…"

"Oh…local…I see. I guess it must be quite localized, then… But you added that it was when…the dead come out of their graves at night to drink the blood of the living? Were you, by any chance, talking about vampires? Don't they do that anyway? And I thought they were very common around here, aren't they? I thought you would be used to them by now, with them rulling the country and all…"

"Well…yeth…we are…but thtill…"

"And you know what? The really odd bit was how the coach was going so slowly since this morning, but then, just before sundown, you decided to make a mad dash for the nearest town… I really believe we could already be in Bonk if we kept a reasonable speed during the day. It's funny how this has happened for the last five days since I arrived in Ubberwald… In Vlock Buszhter, Flogh, Bad Splintzer and Unha Bridzeddictzyonaria. And the funniest thing was, that latter on, I learned that in some of those places there hasn't been a registred vampire atac for years... "

"I gueth I'm over zealous and tend to mithcalculate dithtanthes, thur.."

"Yes, I guess you do. But you know what you could do?"

"What?"

"You could slow down a bit. Just so noone gets hurt. After all a fall from a very high place might be more dangerous and much more probable than…let' say…a vampire attacking a moving coach, isn't it? Not when he has…ah, ah…all that food lying around… don't you think?"

"Well, when you put it like that, thur…"

"Yes, I thought we would see eye to eye, Mr. Igor… Well, I'm going back in then, it's a bit cold out here, don't you think?"

And Havelock entered the coach the same way he got out. His fellow passengers where now looking to him with respect and a bit of fear.

He might be young, but he also was an assassin, and, more importantly, he had managed to make a coachman Igor slow down during sunset. That was the stuff of legends.

Havelok looked out the window, happy with himself. Now, that was a job well done.

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(1) Which is a bit odd since rocks are seldom doomed (2). I mean they are eroded or turned into molten lava (or magma, depending on your mood or on how picky you are) but certainly not doomed. Rocks are quite undoomable.

(2) Unless, of course, we are talking about the ancient and little known Obnoxious Singing Rock of Krull which, millenniums before, had been cursed by a very insane wizard into singing loudly all night long, until everyone got bothered and, after some polite, but very pointed remarks from its neighbors, got thrown over the edge. Then they all went to bed because they had to work tomorrow and needed to get some sleep and it was bloody late. But, as Krullians are all a bunch of loonies anyway, no one really cares much about this legend.

(3) Actually they also wanted to learn a lot about people during their "Grand Sneer", mainly people who happend to be genuan girls. There was a half-clandestine publication at the time, with very intriguing engravings they all wanted to check personally. It was called "Genunans Gone Wild: Soul Cake Edition!!!!".