A/N: WARNING: DANGEROUSLY CHEESY.

Disclaimer: I own none of these characters. Only borrowed with intent of return. Actually, no they are the figments of my imagination. I cant even borrow them. Neither are the pickup lines... borrowed from random sites and experiences.

This is the tale of love and romance in the Harry Potter world.

Today we will follow closely a day in the life of Draco Malfoy. A word or two on Draco: he is THE most sought after bachelor in all of the world and its entire entity. Well, not really; just in the confinements of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. He is smart, handsome, has the most amazing, chiseled chest, and a dazzling smile, designed to make every woman faint. Well, almost every woman. Draco wasn't too sure yet. That is why today he has made it his personal mission to find out exactly how many women would fall for him. Which, Draco was sure, would be every girl in the school, straight or not.

One last look in the mirror, "and so it begins," Draco smirked to himself as he left his room.

All right… let's start off slow here, he thought as he saw a slightly short Hufflepuff approaching. He flashed a bright white smile at her. "Excuse me, do you have any raisins? (she looked at him blankly) No? How about a date?"

"No… but I've got a peanut," she offered.

"Oh, no thanks," he replied, and she rolled her eyes and walked away.

Draco took a list out of his pocket and crossed off the first line. She must have had hearing difficulties, he reasoned.

26 attempts later, he'd only had 16 successes: he'd gotten 8 numbers (didn't the girls know that fellytones didn't work at Hogwarts?)- obviously they were muggleborns, so he threw them out quickly; 6 yes's to go on a date with him, though he never specified a date or time, and 2 passwords to the common rooms (Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff).

His day so far in review:

After the peanut incident, he happened to pass by a quite exquisite Ravenclaw. And so, dear Draco approached her. "Can I have directions?" he asked her.

"To where?" she wondered, looking at him slightly puzzled. Surely a 7th year Slytherin would know his way around the school, right?

He only smiled. "To your heart."

"Yeah right," she walked away.

He cursed Blaise under his breath. His ideas didn't work.

Next, he passed by a girl-next-door kind of brunette. She was watching him, so he stopped. "Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?" he asked.

"It's okay, I'll walk away," and she did just that.

Okay… he crossed that one off. Ahh, here is one… he walked up to a ditzy looking girl who was obviously confused. Probably wondering why Draco the sexiest man was approaching her, of all people. He stopped a few feet a way from her and stared hard into her eyes. For a really long time.

"…" she raised her eyebrows.

"Do you have a map? Because I just keep getting lost in your eyes!"

"What? I'm not THAT complicated," she huffed and pushed past him.

And right behind her was a lovely girl who looked shocked at seeing him there. Perfect timing. "Well, I'm here. What were your other two wishes?" he asked.

She was embarassed, but told him to meet up with her that weekend.

Later in the day, he dicided to shift to some basics. Keep it simple, you know? The classics always seem to work. He found his chance in History of Magic class. A striking Ravenclaw from the previous class was on her way out. He stopped her by the door.

"Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me," he said happily.

"Sorry, I'm looking for Mr. Perfect," she said with an apologetic look.

"But I am perfect!" he insisted.

"No, you aren't. On second thought… Nah." And she just left him there, jaw on the floor and everything.

The unexpected one was at lunch when he caught the Slytherin sitting across from him smiling flirtatiously at him. So Draco took his opportunity. "I'm not really this tall… I'm sitting on my wallet." This one earned him an invite to her dorm and a jealous whack from Pansy.

"You know what? You eyes are the same color as the marble statue of Athena back at my estate." That one also earned him an invite.

So now, after these successful attempts, Draco was feeling confident. VERY confident, in fact. He strutted down the halls, basking in his talent to make girls swoon. Does this work on professors, maybe? Not that I'd want to date one, but I bet I can stretch my wings that far. Oh perfect, I can try it right now… he thought as he approached the Divination professor.

"You must be from out of space because I can see the stars in your eyes," he said with a dazzling smile.

Professor Trelawney gave him a pitying look. "Aw, you poor dear," she shook her head, "I knew he never possessed the sight," she nodded her head. To Draco she said, "Dear, the stars… well, (points outside the window to the sky) they are high up in the night skies… not in my eyes, so sorry dear boy that you are misunderstood," she walked away shaking her head more.

Draco decided to change tactics yet again. As he neared a Slytherin girl a year below him, he said, "I've got a Firebolt," and smiled wickedly. Well, you make your own guesses here.

After the Firebolt incident, Draco's spirits were high. The rest of the afternoon though, wasn't as well. He had the misfortune of meeting a girl more arrogant than him:

"What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?" he asked.

"What does it feel like to be talking to the most beautiful girl in this room?" she batted her eyelashes.

And the horrid luck of finding a girl who (oh the horrors! What has this world come to!) DIDN'T want to kiss him:

"Your lips look so lonely... Would they like to meet mine?" She just laughed and walked away. Why not? He thought. Usually, people fight over who can kiss me!

And the ever so classic, "Hi, I make more money than you spend." Except that one didn't work. It usually has a 99 success rate. He figured today was just his off day.

Poor Draco, our dear, sweet, well, maybe arrogant, but sexy, delectable Draco Malfoy retired to his bedroom after a long exhausting and disappointing day and sat on his oh-so-comfortable bed. It was time to reevaluate this 'gift'. He took out a score card and began writing thoughtfully… he had quite some work to do.

A/N: Ok so I thought I'd just put all of the most lamest pickup lines in one crazy fic. Hope you like, it IS meant to be cheesy, if that's what you're thinking. Oh this is completely slash free.

Next chapter….. Harry. Enough said.

Review please.