It had been a year since we had a proper conversation together(then again, we barely talk. Even now). Heck, it felt like ages ago until recently, when he started doing things that made me think back of all the moments we had together. Not to mention, those joyous laughs and those smiles that just reach to your eyes just stayed as a memory in my mind. Were they signs...or mixed signals? Sometimes, you got to be clear about things but in these kind of things, you can't always be bold and courageous about what your gut has to say. You can get hurt easily, or maybe just die in an instant for just one word or maybe one thing, like a bullet being shot straight to your heart. The most painful part of it all is the person pulling the trigger. Love hurts – there's no doubt about it.
There were times that I regretted for letting go. Regretted for not holding on to you long enough to just be by your side. I suck – that's all I can say. At the time, I thought it was for our own good – for our own future. "If we were meant to be, we will be together. Somehow or rather, we will end up together", I kept telling myself to comfort my aching soul, wanting something that I had somehow "lost". Well, it did help but it never actually did get glued in my mind long enough for me to comprehend.
After all that, I swore that I wouldn't go back to those times where I tortured myself to forget, to just smile like nothing happened and feeling as if you had died over and over again. If only I could just shout out everything that's been repeating in my mind – to shout out every single word and memory that drives you to your very end of your sanity, to be released out in the open and to feel free. It might feel like heaven on earth. Imagine, being able to express everything that you've been keeping on the inside to yourself for all this time to just anyone, openly.
Thinking back of all those times, tears streamed down my cheeks almost every night especially on those early days after that particular day. Partly, it was my fault. Actually, it was my fault. I shouldn't have done it. To think back to those times and to think that I created that mess. Yes, it's my mess. I've dealt with all kinds of mess but never have I came up with any solution to actually deal with this. A solution to actually soothe my messed up mind from all this chaos, to actually make everything up to him for all the shit things I've done to him.
Bottom line is: I miss him. A lot.
Even the moments I hear the sound his voice, it aches me to even think for a moment that we might have a chance to turn things around and maybe...just maybe, be like we were? That thought just keeps on screaming in my mind, repeatedly. That is the thought that will never leave me alone until I get that one thing that can make me feel somehow at peace. Well, two things, to be exact – one, some closure to all this sorrow and possibly an answer to all of these mixed feelings. Honestly, this is the one thing that can make you completely insane, yet, so sane at the same time. Is this what people call "love"?
Damn. I just love that smile of his and the way he laughs that makes me feel so giddy in the inside. I just want to see it all the time and cherish every moment I spend just seeing him smile. Every time I see him upset, it just tears me apart; knowing the fact that I can't do anything about it. All in all, that sucks an all time low. We are nothing to each other. I am nothing to him.
About a few months after that day, I still remember seeing him talking to a girl...and the look he gave her just killed me on the inside out. It was that exact same look that I see when..you know. That made me so determined to just forget everything, to put everything aside and to accept the fact that you moved on. I have to admit, I got kind of jealous. Yes, I was jealous. After another few months after that, I heard that you were seeing someone. Wonder what I was feeling? Just take a wild guess! By that time, I thought that everything I felt was over, gone, zilch. But somehow or rather, deep down, I still felt something. Although it wasn't that strong but I still felt something.
Those feelings somehow rekindled within me like a fire bursting into flames. It made it impossible to even extinguish it. Not even a fireman is brave enough to even face a fire that big to put it out. And that's me – A coward, unable to say that I still have feelings..even when I had every opportunity at my grasps. I just made them slip away, just like that. I never had the courage. I never had the guts.
What am I thinking? I'm just driving myself mad and this ain't good. But I must tell. I need that closure. I really, really need it.