Before DW7
Disclaimer- I do not own dynasty warriors, Koei does (gosh I'm sick of writing these).
Sun Quan has always been a notorious drinker in history. After each hangover he finds out he caused someone to commit suicide just because he was a little too honest. His older brother Sun Ce knew he was the more out-going daring one, while Quan was the quiet one, but when Quan got on the alcohol he was like Sun Ce times ten only alot more brutal. Sun Quan has just finished another rowdy session of drinking that would make Zhang Fei blush. And with him is his BFF Zhou Tai who has had enough of his crap.
Sun Quan: "Awww am I hung over".
Zhou Tai: "My lord have you ever heard the pharse drinking in moderation".
Sun Quan: "Lay off me Zhou Tai, I appreciate you being honest with me, but this headache"...
Zhou Tai: "Well do you wanna know what you did"?
Sun Quan: "Get wasted"!
Zhou Tai: "You're still wasted, you drank so much it'll take your liver a season to get rid of all that alcohol".
Sun Quan: "Thats nice, by the way you were going to tell me what I did".
Zhou Tai: "You tied Lu Xun up in silk , pulled down his pants and spanked him until you passed out".
Sun Quan has a flashback.
Lu Xun: "OWWW stop pulling my hair"!
Sun Quan: "Why did you grow those rat tails, you look pussier than usual".
*SPANK*
Lu Xun: "Says the man who hides behind a company of archers".
*SPANK*
Sun Quan: "Hey F*** You! Archers are awesome"!
*SPANK*
Sun Quan: "And why are you bearing your midriff like a slut, I told you the fans didn't like it"!
Lu Xun: " My fangirls like it".
*SPANK*
Sun Quan: "Thats why I have Archers"!
*SPANK*
Lu Xun: "You don't have fan girls"!
*SPANK*
Sun Quan: "The archers are there to protect you, you little bitch, tell me why you have those rat tails"!
Lu Xun: "My fan girls said I look just Justin Bieber"!
Sun Quan: "Oh dear god Lu Xun I'm so sorry".
Lu Xun: "Can you un-tie me now"?
Sun Quan passes out
End Flashback
Sun Quan: "Who the hell is Justin Bieber"?
Zhou Tai: "See your hallucinating and spanking effeminate officers, you got problems".
Sun Quan: "I need a stiff drink".
Zhou Tai: "You need to sleep it off, I'll send your physician later this afternoon".
Sun Quan falls asleep
Zhou Tai: "You're welcome, my lord".
On the east ramparts of Jian Ye the favourite hangout of Wu officers, Lu Meng, Gan Ning and Ling Tong are consoling Lu Xun after his 'ordeal'.
Lu Xun: "That son of a bitch"!
Ling Tong: "He's taking it well".
Gan Ning: "Well he should, every time we get drunk he gets emasculated by Sun Quan".
Ling Tong: "This is the 55th time this year Lu Xun"?
Lu Meng: "We are trying to be supportive".
Lu Xun: "You all suck"!
Gan Ning: "Well you do ask for it".
Lu Xun: "How? How do I ask for it"?
Ling Tong: "Because you always go (impersonating Lu Xun) Look at me I'm Lu Xun, I'm so humble and cute. I take up everybody's screen time and always sound like a gimp, I'm only popular with teenage girls and wear a silly hat and show off my belly button, All the freaken time".
Gan Ning is laughing loudly and Lu Meng is trying really hard not to.
Lu Xun: "Lu Meng how can you find this funny"?
Lu Meng: "Sorry Lu Xun its true".
Lu Xun: "Well why me? Why does Sun Quan always pick on me?"!
Ling Tong: "I already demonstrat"...
Lu Xun: "SHUT THE F*** UP!"!
Gan Ning: "Wow just like Quan only your sober".
Lu Xun: "GRRRRR"! "Why can't I be badass, be six inches taller look slightly manlier and be part of the Three Kingdoms strategist triumverate and wield a Feather fan, except the fan is ON FIREEEEE"!
Gan Ning: "Gotta admit that would be badass, who knows? in the future someone will draw you like that".
[Author note: Koei is this subtle enough for you].
Zhou Tai joins them bringing wine.
Zhou Tai: "Yep everyone wishes they were as badass as me".
Everyone takes some wine.
Gan Ning: "Yep being badass is cool".
Ling Tong: "Because your a pirate".
Zhou Tai: "I'm a pirate that looks like a ninja".
Lu Meng: "Ooooh boy this is gonna cause a war".
Zhou Tai: "I'm the best of both sides I win by default".
Lu Meng: "Smug git".
Lu Xun: "Zhou Tai, your Sun Quan's best friend, and by best friend I mean meat shield".
Zhou Tai: "Hey Lu Xun atleast I don't look like Miss Universe Ladyboy edition".
Ling Tong- Gan Ning: "OooooooooooooooooooooooH SNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNAPPED"!
Both hi five Zhou Tai.
Lu Meng: "Gotta admit Lu Xun that was an awesome comeback" shakes Zhou Tai's hand.
Lu Xun: "Well the emasculating last night doesn't feel so bad, so I'll pay that".
Hi fives Zhou Tai.
Lu Xun: "But seriously, what's up with Sun Quan"?
Zhou Tai: "I sent for his personal counselor".
Lu Meng: "Zuo Ci"?
Zhou Tai: "I hear he's going to be unemployed for a while, so I hired him to watch Quan and discover the reason he drinks".
Lu Xun: "Lets spy on him".
Lu Meng: "Lu Xun that would be a gross misconduct of an officer.."
Zhou Tai: "I had a black glass screen installed".
Gan Ning, Ling Tong and Lu Xun: "Perfect"!
Lu Meng: *facepalm* "Groan".
Outside Sun Quan's counselling booth, Zhou Tai is giving everyone snacks.
Zhou Tai:(smiling) "Enjoy the show".
Lu Meng: "Snacks Zhou Tai"?
Lu Xun: "Shut up and start Om Noming".
Inside the both Sun Quan and Zuo Ci are talking about deep stuff
Zuo Ci: "My lord you shouldn't spank your officers, what would your father think"?
Sun Quan: "Hmmm"
Thinking
Sun Jian: "Well done Quan, now make Zhao Yun cry like a gimp too"!
Zuo Ci: "So Sun Quan, when did you start drinking"?
Sun Quan: "Oh that would be my brother's bachelor party".
Zuo Ci: "Good night"?
Sun Quan: "Started out ok, but I felt like drinking when... When Sun Ce got all the attention"...
Zuo Ci: "Ah sibling jealousy".
Sun Quan: "No umm, it was when he started talking about what he and Zhou Yu were going to do to the two Qiaos".
Outside the booth
Ling Tong: "I remember that"!
Gan Ning: "Twas awesome, man I was jealous".
Lu Meng: "Ssssh we might be getting a breakthrough, (whispers) yeah it was awesome".
Inside the booth.
Zuo Ci: "So its not sibling rivalry".
Sun Quan: "Are you kidding, Ce is the best brother ever, he never treated me like crap, always encouraged me, even though he was the more popular brother, and we when we unite the land he told me he would abdicate to me, because he thinks I'll do a great job".
Zuo Ci: "Could it be you wish you had a reason to be jealous".
Sun Quan: "Oh I have a reason"!
Zuo Ci: " You do".
Sun Quan: "It's getting one of the two greatest beauties of the land, I mean that only made me painfully aware of how in the shadow I'am of everybody else in the Sun family. Seriously this makes feel like".
Zuo Ci: "A drink"?
Sun Quan: "Don't mind if I do" Drinks out of a nearby flower vase.
Zuo Ci: "My lord Confucious says always remove flowers before drinking out of the vase".
Sun Quan: "Good advice".
Zuo Ci: "Well my lord, I'll see you in a weeks time, I still have to sort Cao Pi and Zhen Ji's mess of the paternity of their son".
Outisde the booth
Everyone: "Damn"
Back the hang out for the Sun Quan psycho debrief
Lu Meng: "Well that explains alot, all that sexual tension, and Lu Xun being the most effeminate".
Lu Xun: "Ignorance is F***ING BLISS"!
Ling Tong: "But it sure is pathe..."
Lu Xun: "SHUT THE HELL UP"!
Zhou Tai: "Our lord has a point though".
Gan Ning: "We had the most chicks in our army for a long time and they all were taken".
Lu Meng: "And to top it off the most bangable is married to the enemy kingdom".
Zhou Tai: "That's just messed up, stupid Zhou Yu and his political marriage idea".
Ling Tong: "And what makes it worse, Every other kingdom has hotter chicks leading their armies".
Lu Xun: "Shu technically has the most when Shang Xiang left".
Gan Ning: "And they got Xing Cai, wierd voice but those legs, that caboose, her pouty lips and come hither look DAMN"!
Lu Xun: "Even Yue Ying looks hotter now she skanked her outfit up a bit".
Zhou Tai: "Her legs are godlike".
Lu Meng: "Shows off enough and covers enough to be he biggest tease in the Three Kingdoms".
Lu Xun: "Yeah and they even got a new girl is almost naked".
Zhou Tai: "who"?
Lu Xun: "You know what's her face".
Gan Ning: "Hot"?
Lu Xun: "That'll do".
Ling Tong: "Well if I have to award the best ass in in the Three kingdoms, Zhen Ji is my winner".
Zhou Tai: "And what she does with her legs, aaaawwww".
Gan Ning: "Outfits"?
Zhou Tai: "And the outfits".
Lu Xun: "What about Cai Wen Ji"?
Gan Ning: "Well covered by even she is hot".
Ling Tong: "It's the innocent look that gets me".
Everyone else: "Yeah".
Lu Xun: "Remember the Nanman incursion"?
Lu Meng: "Zhu Rong"?
Gan Ning: "Athletic as"!
Zhou Tai: "And she was exotic".
Ling Tong: "mmmmmm".
Zhou Tai: "But if there was a girl I'd sleep with even if I know I would die painfully at Lu Bu hands, Diao Chan would be so worth it".
Gan Ning: "I'll toast that".
The group raises their glasses and toasts Diao Chan.
Lu Xun: "Now her midriff".
Lu Meng: "That outfit".
Ling Tong: "That body and knowledge of how to use it".
Zhou Tai:"Yep ask Dong Zhuo".
Gan Ning: "Awwwww" *spits out his drink
Ling Tong: *Vomits*.
Lu Xun:"Damn it Zhou Tai" *Also vomits*.
Zhou Tai: *laughing*
Lu Meng punches Zhou Tai to the ground.
Zhou Tai: *winching in pain* " I don't care it was so worth it.
Just as Zhou Tai recovers and is helped up by Gan Ning, Sun Shang Xiang and new character Lian Shi walk past the group.
Sun Shang Xiang: "And here is the favourite hangout of the male officers, just watch out they're perverted".
Lian Shi: "Oh its nice to meet you all, bows low".
All the boys jaws drop as the two ladies keep walking. When they are out of sight.
Ling Tong: "The two Qiao's are the most beautiful in the land"?
Gan Ning: "Forget the two Qiaos".
Zhou Tai: "I already have".
Sun Quan walks past the group: "Buckle those belts up".
Everyone checks their belt and buckles it, except Sun Quan.
Lu Meng: "My lord our kingdom has a new female general".
Lu Xun: "And she's not a Loli"!
Sun Quan: "A woman in Wu who's not Loli, well I'm calling bullshit until I see this for myself".
Sun Quan catches up with Sun Shang Xiang and Lian Shi at the docks.
Sun Shang Xiang: "Ooooh Lian Shi this is my other brother Sun Quan".
Lian Shi:"I'am an honoured to make your aquantiance my lord".
Sun Quan: "Ah Lady Lian Shi rumours of your most unique beauty have reached my ears, I see for once rumours did the opposite of exaggerate" *kisses her hand*.
Sun Shang Xiang: "When did you become a smooth operater".
Sun Quan: "I'm a member of the Sun family its in our blood, all the way to Sun Tzu".
Lian Shi: "Wow a descendant of Sun Tzu, and your so regal and dignified".
Sun Quan: "Come, please join me on a sailing trip on the Chang Jiang".
Sun Shang Xiang: "You weren't going on a sailing trip on the Chang Jiang".
Lian Shi: "It would be my pleasure my lord, I accept".
Sun Quan thinking *you don't know the half of it*.
Sun Shang Xiang : "I'm going too, I'm not letting you try anything funny with her".
Sun Quan: "Hey Shang Xiang, isn't that Zhao Yun hitting on Liu Bei"?
Sun Shang Xiang: "I'll kill that bastard"!*runs off*
Lian Shi: "Does Zhao Yun really hit on Liu Bei"?
Sun Quan: "Apprently they shared the same bed once. Come my lady I'll take you to where our victory at Chi Bi took place, when we smoked that bastard Cao Cao".
Lian Shi: "Sounds fascinating".
Sun Quan: "It's funny because we used fire, actually we use fire... a lot".
Later Sun Ce and Zhou Yu are hunting along the Chang Jiang and they spy the new couple.
Sun Ce: "Well look at that Zhou Yu".
Zhou Yu: "Sun Quan has a girlfriend".
Sun Ce: "So he should have a girlfriend, I mean we have the two Qia... AND WHOA SHE HAS BREASTS"!
Zhou Yu: "And they look real Sun Ce".
Sun Ce: "I'm so buying Da a wonder bra for her birthday".
Zhou Yu: "Breast Implants"?
Sun Ce: "Don't they kinda not exis..".
Zhou Yu: "Never too late to start"!
The Two Qiaos appears.
Da Qiao: "What are you getting me husband"?
Sun Ce: "A big surprise".
Xiao Qiao: "Oh look Sun Quan has a girlfriend".
Da Qiao: "Oh my with breasts".
Xiao Qiao: "Oh Zhou Yu look at these new orange pumpkin shorts I bought that completely hide what little figure I have. Do you like them"?
Zhou Yu: *sigh* " I never thought I'd say it Sun Ce but".
Sun Ce and Zhou Yu: "I'm jealous of Sun Quan".
At the wedding of Sun Quan and Lian Shi.
Lu Xun: "Well that tears it! The first woman in the kingdom since Dynasty Warriors 3 and Sun Quan calls shotgun"!
Ling Tong: "This bites".
Lu Meng: "Let is go boys, let it go".
Gan Ning: "Don't worry boys we'll have our own wedding with hookers
all look at Gan Ning weirdly.
Gan Ning: "Ok forget the hookers".
Sun Jian walks past the group.
Sun Jian: "You all better have good wedding presents, or I'll set Huang Gai and Taishi Ci with their huge phallic symbols for weapons on you".
Sun Jian walks off.
Zhou Tai: "Hey Lu Xun look on the brightside".
Lu Xun: "What"?
Zhou Tai: "You'll have to wait until Sun Ce and Da Qiao's daughter grows up before you get your designated relationship, yep a surfee Loli, enjoy".
Lu Xun: "Oh Bugger"!
Thank you reading.