Just Let Me - Chapter 1
A/N: I just finished re-watching the episode The Slave of Duty, S5, E10. This little one-shot just wouldn't leave me alone. I hope you like it.
*** Disclaimer – I do not own any part of Criminal Minds. This is strictly for entertainment purposes and to improve my writing skills. ***
Many days had passed since Haley's funeral, and the team's spirit couldn't find anything to make it rise. Even Garcia, their eternal ray of hope, couldn't laugh at anything. They knew those old sayings like "Enjoy life while you can" and all the rest of them, but they couldn't seem to pull it off. Hotch was scheduled to return to work next week, so Rossi called a meeting in the conference room. Rossi shared some old stories about the old days when Hotch had first joined the BAU, as the junior agent. Those stories also included many sweet, romantic moments that Rossi had seen between Hotch and Haley; back when they were both so young and un-jaded by all the injustice in the world.
Rossi told the team that he was aware of how much they loved and cared for Hotch, and how he was aware that they knew Hotch respected and cared for them in return. Rossi explained just how much Hotch truly loved them, but why Hotch always kept his emotions in control.
The team was moved to tears by the time Rossi finished sharing with them. That's why they agreed with Rossi, and promised him that when Hotch returned to work, they would not overwhelm him with constant signs of sympathy and compassion. That's not what Hotch needed from them. Hotch needed to remain as strong as possible in front of his team. Maybe that didn't matter to them, but that damn sure mattered to Hotch that he remains strong. It wasn't that Hotch was too proud, or anything like that. It was because Hotch had only ever found strength in himself and Haley. Now, that Haley was gone, Hotch needed to know that he could still be strong for Jack, for the team, and last but not least, for himself.
At the end of the meeting, Garcia stood up and told them that effective tomorrow morning jokes were to be told whether they were good or bad. They were to chat and hold conversations as they had done, before that bastard, Foyet, had entered their lives. They had seven days to pull themselves together before Hotch returned to work. It didn't matter if their hearts weren't into it, they would start faking it so that they could pull it off in front of Hotch. They slowly left the conference room and headed back to work.
Everyone made sure to be at work before Hotch on his first day back. JJ and Garcia hung out in the bullpen so that when Hotch arrived, he'd only have to deal with one round of welcome back's. They had prepared themselves not to react badly when he arrived. They knew that he would try to fake it, but sorrow always shows itself no matter how hard you try to hide it.
Hotch knew he couldn't rush straight into his office. He knew how much his team loved him, and felt sorrow for him. As soon as he walked through the BAU doors, he smiled a little and headed straight over to them. Rossi was the first to notice Hotch, and he just tipped his head to him. Hotch nodded and smiled a little more. Having known Rossi for so many years, Hotch was sure that Rossi had gathered the young ones and explained a few things to them. Hotch was very grateful for that.
Hotch spent a few moments talking to the team about how he and Jack were handling things. He told them how much he appreciated every thought of comfort that he knew they had for him and his son. Hotch told them that he really needed to get back to work, to get back to routine. He was about to walk away, but he couldn't help but notice how extremely uncomfortable Garcia looked. She had chatted and smiled, just like everyone else was doing, but her arms kept fidgeting. Hotch knew how much of a hugger Garcia was to her babies; as she often referred to the team. Over the years, he had watched many hugging scenes between Garcia and the rest of them, due to one personal crisis or another. Hotch had never been involved in any kind of situation that required or demanded he be hugged, by anyone. Sure, he'd had moments that were stressful and extremely sad, but nothing of this caliber. There had never been a situation where Garcia had hugged him. She probably had wanted to, but she had restrained herself out of respect for Hotch's nature of standing apart and standing tall for the team.
Hotch hadn't let on that he had noticed Garcia all the while inching closer to him. She was now standing directly in front of Hotch, sort of in his personal space. Nobody else had noticed either, not even Garcia. He had never realized that Garcia's heart and her arms worked on autopilot. Hotch couldn't hold it in any longer.
"Garcia?" Hotch asked, straight faced, as he looked directly at her.
"Yes, My Most Precious Leader! What might I do for you?" Garcia asked, in that wonderfully disrespectful manner of hers.
"I never thought I'd be asking you this, but would you like to hug me?" Hotch asked; he laughed along with the rest of the team.
"Oh, Good Lord! Please, sir, may I?" pleaded Garcia; her face lit up in amazement and her arms began to move already.
"Just this one t…." Hotch hadn't even finished before Garcia had stepped forward and wrapped her arms around his waist squeezing as tight as possible. Hotch and the rest of the team broke out laughing heartily. Garcia always had a way of bringing needed happiness to the team. Hotch was still holding his briefcase in one hand, but he put his other hand lightly on Garcia's back and patted her a few times.
As Garcia finally released her hold on him, she said, "Thank you, sir. I believe I needed that even more than you. Welcome Home, Hotch!"
When Hotch stepped out of Garcia's hold, he noticed JJ and Emily looking enviously at Garcia. Hotch closed his eyes briefly, took a very deep breath, turned to JJ and Emily, and asked, "Ladies?"
JJ was standing the closest, so she reached Hotch first. Emily pushed Morgan out of the way and quickly rushed over to Hotch. They both wrapped their arms around Hotch's waist, sandwiching him in between them. Hotch stood there shaking his head. He patted JJ's back with his free hand and held his briefcase against Emily's back. They slowly let go, looking so happy that Hotch had let them welcome him home with a hug.
Rossi smiled, that little smile he does with his eyes twinkling. Morgan made a comment about Hotch getting all the action, so early in the day. Reid had just watched, silently, as he stayed where he was leaning against his desk. He kept the same sad little smile on his face, and Hotch had seen him swallow strongly a few times. Hotch tipped his head to Reid, and Reid just nodded back. After a few more moments of camaraderie, Hotch finally was allowed to go up to his office.
As the morning wore on, the team worked on paperwork and phone calls. They were glad that they didn't have to work on a case yet, and were hoping to spend the day in the office, together. Individually, each of them had that feeling you get sometimes when you just know that you should stay home where you'll be safe and secure, at least for the day. The day came to an end, and everyone started packing up and saying their goodnights to each other. They didn't know that Strauss had assigned the other profiling teams to handle any case that required immediate action. As much as she resented Hotch because of his potential to rise far beyond her position in the FBI, she knew that her best team of profilers needed to stay home today with Hotch. Erin had made it clear to the other Unit Chiefs that they had better not EVER let anyone know what she had done, especially Rossi! Strauss actually hated Rossi. They had a long and ugly history together.
Hotch had made it through his first day back at work. From the bullpen, his team had shouted out their goodbyes; and from his desk, Hotch had waved and called out goodnights to his team. Hotch had been pleasantly surprised when Rossi knocked on his door just to say goodnight. He hadn't wanted Rossi to do that sit down have a drink and commiserate thing that they sometimes did. Hotch thanked Rossi for not doing it, and wished him a good night.
Hotch worked at his desk for about another hour, then packed up his stuff to leave. When he exited his office, he was surprised to see Reid still at his desk hard at work. Hotch hadn't noticed before because his blinds had been almost closed, and he hadn't looked up for the past hour thinking that everyone had left.
Hotch closed his office door and made his way down into the bullpen. Reid looked up when he heard the door close, and started putting his work away, getting ready to leave. Hotch walked up to Reid's desk just as Reid stood up from his chair.
"Reid, I thought you left with everyone else. Why haven't you gone home?" Hotch asked. He was tired from the day, but he had always cared for Reid, and would try to help when something was bothering him.
"I was waiting for you. I didn't want you to stay here alone on your first day back," Reid answered, quietly as he looked at Hotch with that same very sad little smile.
"I'm okay, Reid. You didn't have to wait for me. It's late. Go home," Hotch said, firmly but not unkindly.
"Hotch … I've been really bothered about some things … for a while now," said Reid, looking torn between a sense of guilt and sadness.
Hotch set his briefcase down and sat on the edge of Morgan's desk. "What's troubling you, Reid?" Hotch asked, gently.
Reid took a deep breath, stepped over and stood in front of Hotch. Reid's eyes looked everywhere for a few seconds while he pulled his thoughts together, preparing to speak.
"Reid, talk to me," said Hotch, wanting Reid stop worrying about choosing the right words.
"I … hmmm … I wasn't able to perform my duty because of my knee. I … just walked alongside them, just like everyone else. I didn't get to show you honor like Morgan and Rossi. Even Kevin and Anderson did more than I did," said Reid, as his voice began to rise and falter, "I always seem unable to do anything for you, and you always have done so much for me. I feel so guilty and unworthy of you."
Hotch knew that Reid felt ashamed of himself because he hadn't been physically capable of being one of Haley's pallbearers. Hotch knew that Reid's mother, Diana, had deeply ingrained in Reid a true sense of being honorable, chivalrous, doing the right thing, doing your duty, etc. etc. These were just more things that kept Reid so apart from fitting in with most people, who had no such senses or convictions.
"Reid, …" Hotch began to say, pausing to take a deep breath.
Reid interrupted him and said, "This morning, when you came in … I saw you trying to be strong for our sakes, but I also saw the change in you afterwards. You didn't have to try after that. You actually got stronger … You weren't pretending afterwards." Finished speaking, Reid finally looked into Hotch's eyes.
"I'm sorry, Reid. I don't know what you saw this morning. After what?" Hotch asked, he was confused about what Reid was rambling on about, but he knew it really mattered to Reid. Therefore, it mattered to Hotch.
Reid stepped forward and put one hand on Hotch's shoulder. "Just let me," Reid said, looking off to the side and feeling embarrassed.
Hotch could tell that Reid was embarrassed, but he didn't know what about; he didn't know after what, and he didn't know what just let me was about. Just when Hotch was about to ask a ton of questions, Reid wrapped his arms around Hotch and hugged him. Hotch was shocked and didn't respond to the hug, he was confused about what the hell was going on with Reid. Hotch didn't understand what Reid was trying to tell him.
Holding onto Hotch, Reid pleaded tearfully, "Just let me hold you. It's all I can do. I didn't get to show you honor. Please, let me offer you a shoulder of comfort. Just let me do this for you, please."
Hotch had thought that he was sitting there trying to comfort Reid. When he realized that Reid was actually trying to comfort him, to give him a real shoulder that he could lean on, a real shoulder that he could cry on … Hotch broke down.
Hotch was too moved to speak, to break down to form any words. His sorrow shuddered up, from deep within; and he sobbed as he held onto Reid. Reid just nodded his head against Hotch, letting him know that words were not necessary, letting him know that he could stay safe in Reid's arms and cry as long as he needed. Reid cried as well, but quietly. He could feel the heart-wrenching sobs racking Hotch's body. Reid felt Hotch's tears on his neck as Hotch's sorrow continued to pour from within.
They stayed like that for about twenty minutes, until Hotch's sobs slowly became deep, ragged breaths and sniffles. Reid reached into his pocket and took out his handkerchief. He let go of Hotch, and tried to step back; Hotch held onto him. Reid tried to wipe some of Hotch's tears away, but he couldn't really reach because Hotch wouldn't let go.
Hotch finally realized what Reid was trying to do. He chuckled sadly, let go of Reid, and used his handkerchief. Hotch was surprised at himself for breaking down the way he did, especially in front of Reid. He didn't feel ashamed of himself. He knew that he would have if it were anyone other than Reid. Hotch always had, and always would admire Reid's inner strength. Only fools would ever misinterpret Reid's emotions and his occasional tears as a weakness. Reid was the classic example of that quote by Washington Irving, "There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They are messengers of overwhelming grief, and of unspeakable love."
Letting go of Reid, Hotch used his handkerchief to wipe his eyes and blow his nose. Reid lowered his head and looked away; trying to save Hotch any further possible embarrassment. Hotch knew what Reid was doing. Just another natural act of chivalry.
"Reid, it's late. I'm hungry. Are you?" Hotch asked, smiling softly now that he had unburdened a day's worth of pent up sorrow.
Reid looked up at Hotch, and Hotch had to chuckle. There were so many expressions passing over Reid's features ranging from shock, confusion, happiness, eagerness and possibly even more emotions than Hotch cared to summarize. Hotch knew how much inner strength Reid had used tonight in comforting him, and he knew how exhausted Reid really was inside.
Hotch chuckled again, and said, "Come on, Reid. Dinner's on me."
A/N: Thanks for reading my stories. This one started as just a one-shot, but it got a lot of reviews, favs, and alerts. So, I'm working on Chapter 2.