Life's Messy
Disclaimer: Nope, they're not mine. I'm just borrowing them for a little bit.
A/N: Well, here I am, posting in yet another fandom when I have unfinished fics in at least another two fandoms. Oh, well; what can you do when musie insists on something? So, this is my very first Criminal Minds fic; I've been a fan since early season 2 and, unlike most of the other shows I watched, this is one of the few where it wasn't the possible romance that grabbed but just the acting - and given that some of the eps can be more than disturbing and I usually stay far away from disturbing, that is saying something. But then, came season 3 and that scene with the phone call and almost right after he walked away from his wife, sort of speak, he showed up at Emily's and I just had this 'oh, my God' moment. I hadn't seen it coming, wasn't waiting for anything like it at all but there it was and like the hopeless, helpless romantic that I am, I was hooked. And season 4 really reeled me in, to stay with the metaphor, and I become obsessed like I hadn't been before - I basically swapped my 'Bones' obsession for 'Criminal Minds' but hey, as crazy as it sounds, it seems like H/P are moving forward faster than BB and I was sick of all the back and forth. At least with H/P there is no back, it might be minuscule forward but there is no back. Anyway, this particular fic came about cause of convos with my mom where she defended Hailey while I said she was crazy for letting Hotch go - cause really, if you have a man like Hotch, are you really going to let him go??? Whatever my mom says about it, I do listen to her, I rarely agree with her, but I do listen to her. So, I found myself remembering her arrangements and coming with counter-arguments - which is not really my fault, that's what they teach in law school after all. So, after a few nights of arguing with myself, I decided that I needed to put it all down in writing or I'd probably drive myself nuts going around and around it in my head. It took me a while, cause of all those other fics I was determined to finished, though I did cave before they were done, but I finally finished it and here it is! I hope it's worth all the hassle! lol. I wrote it before season 5 started but season 5 has been so good to us H/P fans that I just had to keep writing H/P goodness. I currently have two other one shots done; they're sort of tags to ep 2 and 3. Kinda like a behind the scene look at how the H/P relationship could evolve while keeping it in cannon. I want to write one set after the premiere before I post. The good about that is that once I finally start posting, I'll have three one shots all ready to go. I also have an idea for a one shot for ep 4, but I want to get the ball rolling on the premiere first. And, with any luck, ep 5 and the following would also have some H/P goodness I can expand on. I plan to keep going as long as I can and keep it in cannon for as long as it works. I'll let you know if and when I do go AU, which I'm thinking I'll have to do sooner or later cause as good as season 5 has been, do you really see the writers getting H/P together officially? One can hope but *sigh* I just don't see it. Anyway, I'm going to stop now and let you go on to the fic. Please let me know what you think; like I said, this is my first attempt and I'm anxious to see if I've kept them in character, that's very important to me cause if I'm going to go off character I might as well write the original novel I keep thinking about, right? I have a sort of an idea for a second part; I didn't add it here because I'd said what I wanted to say but I do have an idea that could work. Let me know if you'd like to read it. Please read and review!! Oh, as always, thanks to pup for her help betaing!! I'm glad we liked most of the same shows or I'd need more than one beta giving that I keep trying new shows to write for! lol
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Emily got up very slowly and very carefully; she was acutely aware of what could happen if she made any sudden or abrupt movements. She started walking forward just as cautiously. She knew she had to get to her destination but the walk, though admittedly short, was nerve racking. She knew that with every step she took, she was taking a big chance but there was no other way. Finally, after what seemed like hours but was only moments, she arrived at her goal.
She took a minute to smile and take a deep breath before, again very slowly and carefully, she leaned forward and laid her precious bundle down. It had taken her the better part of an hour to finally get her baby girl to fall asleep and she hadn't wanted to do anything that would wake her up again. She was usually a very happy, calm baby but she'd just had her two months shots last Friday and had been feeling a little under the weather the whole weekend. And Emily was really hoping that this time, her baby girl would stay down for more than the half hour naps she'd been taking.
With a relieved sigh at having put down the baby without waking her up, Emily took a couple of steps back. Just as she turned around to walk out of the nursery, the door bell rang. She stopped in mid step, with one foot down and one up a few inches. She held her breath and closed her eyes, hoping and praying that whoever was out there would go away and the baby wouldn't wake up. But neither her wish nor her prayer was answered and the doorbell rang throughout the house again a few moments later. She winced and practically leapt towards the nursery door, thinking that maybe if she was quick enough and closed the door fast enough then maybe, just maybe, the baby wouldn't wake up and she could still have a few hours to herself. But nope, it wasn't to be.
Emily had barely touched the door when the cries from the crib reached her. She closed her eyes again and leaned her head against the door for a moment. When the doorbell rang a third time, she pushed away from the door and walked back to the crib to pick up the baby, all the while cursing at whoever was so inconsiderate to come to a house with a newborn and ring the bell so insistently.
"It's okay, love," she murmured as she picked up the baby. "Shh, honey. Everything's okay," she continued mumbling sweet nothings as she walked out of the nursery, across the hallway and through the living room. She kept all of her attention on the baby, consciously keeping it away from the rest of the house.
One would think that things would be easier with a second baby but it turned out that they weren't; babies, much like pregnancies, were all different and while having had one might prepare you for the second one, it didn't really make anything easier – at all. In Emily's considered opinion, it might just make things harder. Sure, with the second baby you knew not to jump up the second they started crying and you knew how to bathe them without worrying about drowning them and how to change diapers in record time and you understood that you simply had to time your naps around theirs. You knew all that and while all that knowledge was wonderful and cut down your anxiety at least in half, having a second baby meant you also had something else: the first baby. So, while you no longer had to worry and stress about the unknown you did have to worry and stress about caring for a newborn and, in Emily's case, a toddler.
Thanks to her blended family, Emily also had an eight year old to care for. Eight year olds came with their own set of challenges and requirements but they also liked to help – at least Emily's eight year old did. He had wanted to help when his younger brother was born two years ago but at six, his help had been somewhat limited. Emily had, of course, included him as much as possible and they had both enjoyed every moment they spent together. But at eight, he was able to help a lot more; even if all he did was to keep his younger brother occupied, that was more than enough. Sadly, he was only with them on the weekends and the occasional weekday.
Emily loved all three of her children but personal experience had taught her that having one baby didn't make having the second one any easier – it didn't necessarily make it harder but it certainly didn't make it easier. And that was why, even though they'd brought their daughter home two months ago, the house still looked as if it had only been two days. Toys were scattered across the floor and sofa; cups, glasses and sippy-cups had been left on the coffee and end tables; blankets were thrown across the sofa back and trailed down to the floor; DVD cases were lying on the floor by the TV; Lego blocks had been abandoned in one corner of the room and there was even a diaper bag by the love seat where they'd left it after changing the baby the night before – and that was only the living room. In a word, the house was a mess and Emily could only be glad that they had managed to take all the dirty dishes into the kitchen. Whether the dishes had then been washed was another story entirely but she'd decided to take her victories where she could.
Her husband was usually pretty good at picking up after the boys and helping her keep the mess to a minimum, since he was a bit of a neat freak himself, but when given a choice between cleaning up and playing with his boys, playing with his boys won hands down, every time. That was a choice Emily wholeheartedly approved of and encouraged; not only were those one of the few times where her husband was relaxed enough to let go and laugh and have actual fun but she knew what those moments meant to all three of them. She knew how important it was for them to have that connection. And if a messy house was the price for them, she'd happily pay it. But two months of a messy house was more than she could take. So, that morning she suggested that it might be a good idea if the three of them went to the park for a few hours. Thankfully, the suggestion had been more than enough as all three of her boys had loved the idea.
She'd told them good-bye less than an hour ago and had planned to put the baby down and then bring some order back to the house. And, if she'd had time, she'd have loved to sit down with a book or a magazine or even to flip the channels on the TV; she'd known it was probably asking too much but she would have loved to have at least half an hour to herself when she didn't have to do anything but just sit. But, as the doorbell rang for the fourth time in less than two minutes (seriously, who does that to a household with a baby?), she saw all her plans and dreams fly out the window.
When she finally made it to the front door, she took a moment to take a couple of deep breaths before opening it. She knew if she didn't do that, she'd end up growling at whoever was on the other side. She put on as natural a smile as she could and opened the door even as she continued to try and soothe the baby. She was in mid-coo when she saw just who it was that had ruined nap time.
"Hailey, hi," she said, not even bothering to try and hide the surprise. "I . . . we weren't . . . expecting you."
"Hello," Hailey said with a nod and stepped into the house when Emily stepped aside to let her in. "I'm sorry to just drop by unannounced . . ."
"No, no, it's fine," Emily told her. "It's just that Aaron took the boys to the park less than an hour ago; I'm afraid they won't be back for at least another couple of hours."
"That's okay," Hailey said. "I just came by because Jack has a project due Monday and he forgot his backpack at home," she held up the backpack that she'd brought with her.
"Oh," Emily nodded and smiled, still bouncing the baby in her arms. "That's nice of you . . . if you could just put it down . . ." she looked around the living room with a grimace. "Just by the sofa is fine. I'm sorry about the mess but it's been a little crazy here lately."
"Don't worry about it," Hailey shook her head as she walked forward and put the backpack down by the sofa. "I remember how it is with a newborn; and you have a toddler too. I'm sure it's not easy to keep up with them and the house chores too."
"Well, at least it's not boring," Emily grinned.
"No, I'm sure it isn't," Hailey nodded and looked down at the still fretting baby. "I hope I didn't wake her or anything," she said, referring to the baby.
"Oh, no, it's fine; don't worry about it," Emily reassured her because it wasn't as if she could tell her it was all her fault the baby would probably not take her nap anymore.
"I hear you're calling her Erin," Hailey commented, more to fill in the silence than anything else.
"Yes," Emily smiled. "Aaron wasn't too happy with it but I've always liked the name and I thought it was fitting so . . ." she trailed off with a shrug. The reason Aaron hadn't been thrilled with Emily's choice of 'Erin' was because Section Chief Strauss' first name was also Erin. Emily herself had been taken aback when she first realized the coincidence but after a couple of weeks of fruitless search, she'd decided that she wasn't going to let that unfortunate turn of events keep her from calling her daughter a name she'd always liked and which turned out to also be a way of honoring her daughter's father. Aaron had finally relented, not that he'd had much of a choice since he'd been the one to choose their son's name.
"And you always get what you want," Hailey muttered under her breath, too quietly for Emily to hear anything but a mumble.
"I'm sorry?" Emily asked; her smile dimming as she took in the other woman's stance.
"Nothing," Hailey shook her head and looked around once more. "I . . . I should really get going."
"Okay," Emily agreed; she was more than ready to open the door and see the other woman off but manners forced her to add, "Thanks again for bringing Jack's backpack. He told Aaron this morning about the project and they were going to go to your house to pick his stuff up after the park but this way, you saved them a trip."
"Happy to help," Hailey said as she walked towards the door. She paused before reaching for the door knob and turned to say, "Have a good weekend."
"Thanks, you too," Emily responded.
Hailey turned back and reached for the door knob but the image of Emily holding her baby, standing in the middle of her messy but lived in living room was burned in her brain. And before she knew it, she'd voiced the question that had plagued her for the last three years.
"What do you have that I don't?" she wasn't even aware she'd said it aloud until Emily responded.
"I beg your pardon?"
Hailey's first instinct was to say 'nothing' but when she turned to say just that, there was Emily again, rocking her daughter and, despite the new mom fatigue that was evident on her face, looking as pleased and satisfied with her life as anyone could be. And suddenly Hailey didn't want to ignore her question any more. She hadn't gone to Aaron's house to confront his new wife but darn it, she wanted an answer. She wanted to know why it wasn't her standing in the middle of a messy living room, trying to sooth a newborn into sleep. She wanted to know why it was Emily that was living what should have been - what was supposed to have been Hailey's life – what had been her life for almost twenty years. She wanted to know what went wrong, what she did wrong and what had Emily so obviously done right.
"I said: what do you have that I don't?" she repeated. "How is it that it is you that's married to Aaron and are having his kids? Why did he take paternity leave when you gave birth but didn't do it when I had Jack? What do you have that makes the man that said he wouldn't leave the BAU, who actually left me and his son behind to go to one more case start to think about transferring to the FBI academy and leave his precious unit behind?"
When Hailey finished with her questions, Emily was beyond shocked. She hadn't really expected to be confronted by Aaron's former wife – then or ever. She also hadn't known that Hailey was aware of Aaron's doubts about staying with BAU. And since she had never really compared herself to Hailey, they were two completely different women who had two completely different relationships with the same man, she was unprepared to answer any of her questions.
"I don't think it's that simple, Hailey," she finally answered.
"Oh, I know it's not simple," Hailey said. "But you must be doing something I didn't or giving him something I wasn't and I'd just like to know what it is."
"Hailey," Emily said slowly, as she shifted the baby from her shoulder to her arms. "I think you're getting close to crossing a line you shouldn't cross."
"I just want to know why Aaron is willing to do for you what he didn't do for me," Hailey insisted. "I was there for him, supporting him and taking care of him when he went through law school; and I was there, helping him and going to cocktail parties that bored me to death when he worked with the DA. And I was nothing but encouraging when he came home and told me he wanted to join the FBI instead of staying with the DA. I didn't really like it; it scared me to death. I knew that being an FBI agent meant he would carry a gun and would be put in situations from which he might not come out alive but it was what he wanted, what he needed to do, so I told him to go for it. And when he joined the SWAT team . . . there were nights I couldn't sleep or when I woke up from nightmares that he'd gotten himself blown up but I was still the supportive, loving wife. And if I stayed awake until he got home when I knew he was involved in a bad case . . . well, that was what I had to do because I loved him."
"Hailey," Emily tried to interrupt; she really didn't see what good this conversation could possibly have. But the older woman was on a roll and didn't even hear Emily speak.
"And then one evening he came home and told me he'd heard of this BAU and he just knew that was where he needed to be. It meant going back to the academy for more classes and it meant starting at the bottom again but it was what he wanted to do so I, once again, backed him up. And at first, I thought it was a good idea. I mean, he would no longer be in SWAT and that meant I would no longer have to worry about him getting shot at or blown up. And from what he told me, it seemed as if it was more of a desk job than anything. But boy was I wrong! Not only did he have to go on the road on a regular basis but he also ended up pursuing the suspects, which meant he could still get hurt. And that wasn't even the worst part. The more time that went by, the more involved he became in profiling and the more it seemed to suck him in. Somehow, profiling went from being what he did to how he lived and the better he got at it, the more responsibility they gave him at work until finally, he became the head of the whole freaking unit! And I was proud of him, how could I not be proud? But the job started to become more than just a job, it started to take over our lives. And one day I woke up and I had a small son and a husband that was rarely there, who even when he was physically there, seemed to still be mentally back at work. And when I asked him to transfer so that he could be home for more than just a couple of days a week, he walked away and went on one more case because the team needed him. But what about what I needed? What his son needed? Hadn't I always supported him in all his decisions? Didn't I deserve the same consideration? Apparently, I didn't but here he is; a few years later, contemplating doing for you and your family what he flat out refused to do for me and our family. So, I ask again, what do you have that I don't?"
"It's not about me having something that you don't, Hailey," Emily told her, after taking a few moments to digest everything the other woman had said.
"Then what is it about?" Hailey wanted to know.
"I don't know what is it that you expect me to say," Emily said, shaking her head. "I don't know what you want to hear. . ."
"I don't want to hear anything," Hailey interrupted her. "I just want to understand why the man I was married to for twenty years, the man I spent most of my life with and who I expected to spend the rest of my life with didn't think our lives were important enough for him to give up his job but the life he has with you is." It wasn't that Hailey was still in love with Aaron or wanted that life back; she just wanted to understand why Emily was making it work with Aaron when Hailey hadn't been able to.
"Hailey, this really isn't a competition," Emily protested.
"I know it isn't," Hailey agreed. "But if it had been, you'd have won."
"God, Hailey," Emily exclaimed and shifted the baby in her arms again as she studied the other woman intently. "Okay, you want to hear what I think? You really want to hear what I think about all this?"
"Yes."
"Okay," Emily nodded and took a deep breath to put her thoughts in order. Hailey had pushed her enough that she no longer had any reservations in telling it like it was but there was no need to be intentionally cruel and if she didn't contain her irritation, she knew she would end up being hurtful. "I think the reason why he's thinking about transferring now but wasn't willing to do it back then was because I never asked him to. I know what being in the BAU means to him and I would never ask him to give it up. In fact, I'm not convinced him transferring is a good idea at all and I'm trying to talk him out of it. You not only asked him to transfer, you pushed and pushed him to do it. And when he felt that he needed to do one more case, when he told you that he couldn't leave without some sort of closure, because that was what Milwaukee would have been, you walked out. He wasn't the one that walked out, Hailey, you did. I know for a fact that if you had been home when he came back and after talking, you'd had insisted on him transferring, he would have transferred. Despite the fact that he didn't really want to, that he wasn't ready to leave, he would have left. But you weren't home when he got back, so he never got a chance to put your marriage and family before the BAU."
"You can't know for a fact that he would have left," Hailey argued.
"Yes, I can," Emily insisted. "Because I know Aaron and I know family is his first priority – even if it doesn't always seem like that. But I also know that his walking away from the BAU before he was ready would have probably ended up destroying your marriage anyway. I think it was just as well that you walked away first because . . ."
"Because the marriage was over anyway," Hailey finished for her when she trailed off. "You think our marriage was doomed to end either way."
"I don't know," Emily said and sighed. "I don't think anyone can know something like that. What I do know is that ultimatums aren't a good thing for a marriage or any relationship; they're usually a sign that there's something wrong with the relationship. I also think," she paused for a moment and looked down at her daughter, who ironically was finally sleeping peacefully. "I think," she repeated after deciding that if she'd gone this far she might as well finish it, "that trying to change your partner is never a good idea."
"Change him?" Hailey asked, incredulous. "I wasn't trying to change Aaron; I was only asking him to think about his family first. Being a profiler is what he does not who he is; asking him to get a transfer wasn't asking him to change."
"Yes it was," Emily insisted. "Being an FBI agent might be a job but being a profiler does become part of who you are. You can't turn it on and off, you can't leave it behind when you leave the office – it's not something you can just take off and put away like you do with your weapon. It's much bigger than that – it changes how you look at the world. Once you learned those skills, you can't unlearn them. What we do, what we see . . . those things stay with us; they become a part of our psyche. Asking any of us to stop doing what we do is like asking us to stop being who we are."
"Gideon left," Hailey argued. "Rossi left; other agents have also left."
"Gideon left because he burnt out," Emily responded. "And Rossi came back. But yes, people do leave the BAU. Some leave because it's just not for them," she added, thinking of Jordan. "And some leave because it's time for them to leave. The BAU is not easy; it's demanding, consuming and gives you nightmares that will last the rest of your life. We're called only for the worst cases; we witness some of the most depraved acts man is capable of and we have to interview the victims and their families after their lives have been shattered beyond recognition – and sometimes we have to ask them to repeat the experience again and again. And to catch the persons responsible we have to think like them; we have to get in their heads and see through their eyes. We have to somehow understand the unthinkable if we want to anticipate them and stop them." She paused for a moment before she continued.
"Doing that can leave a stain on your soul and no, it's not for everyone, but it's something that needs to be done. And we do it because we know how and because we can – because someone has to do it." She hesitated before she continued but she had already said more than she'd planned so she might as well go on. "We all have our personal reasons for being at the BAU but there are a couple of things that we have in common. We all want to stop the monsters, we want to bring justice to the victims and we want to prevent any more innocents from becoming victims. Any time we save one innocent is a great day. We . . . All of us have ghosts in our pasts and I guess stopping the monsters and protecting the innocents are our way to lay them to rest. So, yes," she repeated, "asking any of us to stop doing it before we feel ready to stop is very much like asking us to change who we are."
"I didn't want to change Aaron," Hailey insisted. "I only wanted the man I married back."
"He's still the same man," Emily said, rolling her eyes.
"No, he isn't," Hailey contradicted her and something in Emily's tone seemed to get her back up. "No offense, Agent Prentiss, you might be married to him now; you might now him better now but you didn't know him twenty years ago." 'I knew him then, I was married to him then' was implied but left unsaid.
"Fair enough," Emily allowed. "I didn't know him back then."
"And you just said that being a profiler changes you," Hailey argued.
"I said that it changes how you look at the world, yes," Emily agreed. "But however much it might change us, there are some personality traits that can't be changed, that neither time nor a job can change. Aaron's dedication to his work, his single-mindedness didn't develop because of the job; his compassion, kindness, his need to pursue justice and to protect the innocent, his loyalty, empathy and selflessness and genuine caring of others, those are things you're either born with or not. They are not something you acquire with age or wake up one day with them when you didn't have them before. You had to have known that he was a type A personality with definite workaholic tendencies; you had to have known that he always gives all of himself to whatever he attempts. There's no way you could have married him, lived with him for twenty years and not known that."
"Of course I knew that," Hailey countered. "But the man I married was going to be an attorney; he was going to work for the DA's office. Yes, he was going to be a dedicated lawyer and work overtime but he was going to be home every evening and weekends and holidays. His battles were going to be fought in the courtroom and his weapons were going to be words. He was not supposed to put on two guns everyday as easily as I put on my earrings; he was not supposed to be gone three or four times a month and be as likely to miss holidays, anniversaries and birthdays as to actually be there. The most dangerous situations he was supposed to face were paper cuts from all the paperwork, a hoarse throat from all the talking or migraines from all the reading; he was not supposed to come face to face with life or death situations every time he had a new case. His cases were not supposed to give him nightmares that woke him up screaming and his case files were not supposed to give me nightmares if I accidentally pick one up. I married Aaron Hotchner, Esq.; I did not marry Hotch, FBI Supervisory Special Agent, lead profiler and Unit Chief of the BAU."
"Well," Emily said a few seconds later. "I happen to think Hotch is an amazing man; a man worthy of my respect, admiration and loyalty – not to mention my love and trust. He has never let me down, has always been there for me; there's no one I trust more to have my back than Hotch."
"I know he's a great man," Hailey nodded. "He's just not . . ."
"He's not the man you married anymore," Emily finished for her. And even as she couldn't quite wrap her mind around the fact that any woman could walk away from a man like Hotch, she had to admit, the older woman might have a point.
"No, he's not," Hailey shook her head.
"I think," Emily said after a few moments of silence as she rocked back and forth with the still sleeping baby in her arms. "I think that the failure of your marriage is at least part of the reason why Aaron thinks that transferring to another unit is a good idea. His job already cost him his family once, he's not willing to risk it again."
"I see," Hailey said. She hesitated for a moment before she asked, "But you don't want him to transfer?"
"If I thought he really wanted it," Emily corrected. "If I thought it would make him happy, then I wouldn't have a problem with it. But I don't think that deep down that's what he wants. I think he thinks it's the right thing to do and he does have a point; with two small children, one of us should be home at all times. I just think that it should be me that stays with them – I'm their mother."
"Do you want to transfer to another unit?" Hailey asked, curious despite herself.
"I love the BAU," Emily said thoughtfully but firmly, she had been thinking about this for a while. "I love the team and the work; despite all the drawbacks, it has been the most fulfilling job I've had. But I have the kids and Aaron now, I have a family and the BAU, as important as it is, it's just not the most important thing in my life. I'd miss working with the team but I think I'd have a much easier time adapting to a new unit than Aaron would. As much as the BAU means to me, it means more to him. He's made the unit what it is and giving it up . . ." Emily shook her head. "He's not ready and while I don't really want to leave, I could leave without regrets."
"Because you laid your ghosts to rest but Aaron hasn't?" Hailey asked, referring to Emily's earlier analogy.
"Yes," Emily nodded, sure of herself. "That's one way of putting it."
At that moment, Hailey understood what Emily had that she herself didn't, why Emily was now married to Aaron while she was divorced from him. It wasn't just because the other woman was also a profiler and understood the demands of the job in a way Hailey could never even dream of. The fact that Emily knew just what Aaron saw every time he went away and had the same nightmares about it was a big part of it but it was more than that. It was also the fact that she understood the reason Aaron was a profiler in the first place.
Emily understood that dark side of Aaron's personality that he had gone to great lengths to hide throughout their marriage. She not only knew about his ghosts but she knew what those ghosts were while Hailey, who had been married to the man for twenty years, had barely been aware of their existence. Aaron had tried and kept both the dark side of his personality and the darker aspects of his job away from their marriage; he hadn't wanted to 'darken' their home by talking about either of those things. He had felt that their marriage was his refuge from all those dark thoughts and impulses and if he ignored them, they wouldn't have any power or influence. But you can't really ignore parts of who you are and live a complete life because sooner or later those parts will rise up and refuse to be ignored any longer. The fact that Aaron was able to pull it off for over twenty years was a testament to his strength of will, determination and sheer stubbornness. But even he wasn't able to put off the inevitable forever. And when his past or at least, the consequences of his past couldn't be ignored and Hailey couldn't live with them anymore, their marriage ended.
Maybe Emily was right; maybe their marriage was doomed from the beginning. Because how can a marriage survive when one party withholds parts of himself and the other party's not even aware of it? Maybe, if Hailey had known Aaron as well as Emily did, if she had known what the ghosts were that drove him to the BAU she would have been able to deal with his job. Then again, maybe she wouldn't have; maybe if Aaron had been completely open from the beginning, they would never have gotten married. Emily was right in that no one could say for certain what could have happened if things had been different.
The only thing Hailey knew was how things had been and that as painful as it had been and as hard as it was to watch another woman live the life that should have been hers, she had made the right decision when she'd left. The right decision for herself, because she couldn't have gone on living as they had, she deserved more from a relationship; the right decision for Aaron because he deserved to be with someone he felt comfortable enough to be completely open with and he'd obviously found her. And the right decision for Jack because he deserved more than to have two parents that were only together because of duty and habit.
Hailey hadn't gone to Aaron's house with the intent to have this talk but she was glad that she had because for the first time since she'd heard of Aaron's marriage to Emily Prentiss she could be genuinely glad for them without feeling any bitterness.
"Well, you know him better than I do now," Hailey admitted. "I'm sure you guys will figure out what's best for your family."
"Yeah, we'll figure it out," Emily nodded.
"Things have a way of working out for the best in the end," Hailey commented and they both understood that it was her way of saying she was okay with the way things had turned out.
"Yes, they do," Emily agreed. She knew how much the divorce had hurt Aaron and as much as she hated to see him hurt, she couldn't find it in herself to be sorry that he had gotten divorced because if he hadn't, she wouldn't have married him and she wouldn't be holding their daughter and waiting for him to come back with their sons.
"I'd better be going," Hailey said; she made as if to turn towards the door but she hesitated for a moment. "Before I go, though, could I see the baby?"
"Sure," Emily answered. She relaxed her grip on the baby and shifted so that Hailey could look at her. She hadn't realized it but she had been holding the baby tightly to her chest, unconsciously protecting her from the tense atmosphere.
"She's beautiful," Hailey smiled. "She looks just like Jack did at that age."
"Yes, I know; I've seen pictures," Emily smiled back. "And I've seen pictures of Hotch at that age; both Jack and Erin look like him. I'm just glad Alex," she added, referring to her two year old, "has my chin and mouth or I'd be the odd man out in this family."
"I know what you mean," Hailey nodded. "I feel the same way about Jack's hair; I know it could still darken but I am a little bit relieved at each year that goes by and he still has the same hair color as me."
"Yeah," Emily grinned. "That is about the only difference between him and Hotch."
"Yes, it is," Hailey continued studying the baby. "She looks just like a feminine version of Aaron. And you're right Erin does suit her."
"Doesn't it though?" Emily asked. "I think Aaron's finally gotten used to it," she added with a laugh.
"Well," Hailey chuckled a little and pointed to the door. "I really should get going. I have a few errands to run."
"Ok," Emily said and followed the older woman to the door. "Thanks for bringing Jack's backpack."
"No problem," Hailey replied. "Just make sure Aaron doesn't make the trip to my place in vain."
"I will," Emily promised.
"See you later, then," Hailey said before turning around and walking out. Emily watched her leave for a moment before closing the door.
When she turned back and saw the mess in the living room, the part of her that had been raised by Ambassador Prentiss couldn't help but grimace at the idea that anyone from outside the family had seen her house when it was less than perfect. But the part of her that was a wife and a mother understood that the mess was a part of her life and she had learned how to live with it. Actually, she had learned to appreciate it. Whenever the house was messy, even when the mess drove her anal side nuts, she knew that it meant her boys had been having a good time (for how else is an eight year old supposed to entertain a six year old other than playing with him?) and she was too busy enjoying her family to have time to clean up.
Still, given that Erin was, by some miracle, sleeping peacefully, Emily was going to take advantage of the time and do a little house cleaning. Just because she'd learn to appreciate what the messes could mean, didn't mean she had to leave them be when she had the time to clean up. After all, a clean house just meant that the kids had more space to play and a mess free couch meant she and Aaron could cuddle up and watch the kids playing. With that happy though in mind, she started for the nursery where she'd put Erin down. Her mind was filled of the list of things she wanted to get done but before she did all that, she'd call Aaron and tell him that Hailey had dropped off Jack's backpack. There really was no longer any reason for him to drive all the way over there, was there? He could bring the boys back that much sooner and they could all enjoy family time for the rest of the weekend.