slade's day off
darkness filled the sleeping chamber of the city's most mysterious and powerful villain, slade. this was probably the case because the sun was not really all there, and his curtains were drawn rather tightly. he was trying to get some sleep because, y'know, you can't shut down the forces of good without a little bit of shut eye yourself.
he usually slept on his back, because in case he ever needed to spring out of bed, he found this the quickest position from which he could catapult himself to the door. he also slept in the middle of his bed, but that was more for aesthetics than anything else. half of the bed was covered in a yellow sheet, and the other half was covered with a black bedspread. the remainder hung off the sides. even the pillows were such in color, because slade was really a consistent guy. you could say a lot of things about slade, but you couldn't say he wasn't thorough in everything he did.
he wore his mask while sleeping, just in case. from there down, however, his suit was exchanged for a blue onesie that featured little gold teen titan t's all over it. he had bunny slippers on that he bought from mumbo jumbo once during the guy's garage sale. he was saying how they could magically heal your feet of sores. slade had to admit, the cooling gel was pretty cool.
RING-RING-RING-RING
slade's eye opened slowly, and he turned his head over to the right. on his nightstand, his little flip phone was flashing. he sighed and rolled over, onto that side of the bed. the haste of this action upset the symmetry of the bed covering separation, meaning he'd have to redo it soon, but ugh, he figured he had to do what he had to do.
"hello"
"SLADE, YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET AWAY WITH THIS"
slade looked over at the clock. "robin, it's 4 am. what do you want"
"I WANT ANSWERS"
"robin, i'm not even doing anything right now. i'm trying to sleep."
"I WILL NEVER SLEEP UNTIL YOU'VE BEEN TAKEN DOWN"
"that's nice, but seriously, can this wait until later?"
"THE LONGER I WAIT, THE CLOSER YOU GET TO FULFILLING YOUR PLANS."
"very true."
slade hung up and set the phone back on the nightstand. yes, this was true: the longer robin waited, the closer slade would get to fulfilling his current plan of getting a decent night's rest for a change. he rolled back to the center of his bed, but this time, he was on his belly. his masked face buried into the pillow.
"i spend all this time with the titans, helping them grow and mature, and this is the thanks i get," slade muttered to himself. "then maybe i should take a day off." his eyes opened wide, and he rolled over suddenly, onto his back once more. a day off—therein was a beauty. a day off! a whole 24 hour period of "me-time" of "slade-time" of "i-ain't-care-about-your-stupid-existence-titans"! he could always conquer the city later. he needed some r&r, and he also needed to catch up on some of the y&r he had recorded over the past week. you know your spending too much time on evilry when you are falling behind on your soaps.
but for now, there was no sleep to be had. the day off might as well commence. he would go for a morning run! that would be bracing or something. he leapt out of the bed and into the kitchen. he opened the fridge. grocery shopping—that was a thing, and it needed to be done soon, too! he was almost out of orange juice. he poured himself a glass. that was refreshing. he emptied out the jug into the glass. ahh.
he made his way to the bathroom. there he would shower, put on his suit, and go about the day! it began here: the shower, the place of purification. he would use extra soap today. he had a bottle of lavender bodywash that had his name on it (why he felt like he had to label things in his own home, when he lived with no one else, he really didn't know (but hey, one's gotta do what one's gotta do)).
he showered, and that was great. he put on his usual suit and went to get some breakfast. this time he would use three slots of his toaster to make three slices of bread. he would even use the pumpkin butter he had in the fridge. this was a special day. while they were toasting, he'd see what was on the tv. eating while watching tv is one of life's simple pleasures, afterall, something he rarely got to enjoy because of those stupid teen titans.
tv before 5 am was, not surprisingly, not that great. so he decided to get an early start on that y&r, and it was in shock of what was happening in genoa city that slade ate his delicious toast. he got so caught up in the show that he decided to skip the morning run, which would have long-running consequences throughout the day. but he didn't care.
he was interrupted from his soap by the phone.
RING-RING-RING-RING
"hello"
"SLADE"
"yes, robin?"
"WHAT ARE YOU UP TO NOW"
"watching tv, wbu?"
"I'M CATCHING ON TO YOUR MASTER PLAN"
"cool, but i'm actually taking the day off"
"YOU'RE NOT GOING TO FOOL ME THIS TIME, SLADE"
"no, really, i'm actually pretty sick of you guys and am tired of your crap"
"A HERO IS NEVER TIRED"
"ok bye"
slade hung up and then unpaused his show. he got fifteen seconds in, before the phone rang again.
RING-RING-RING-RING
"wat"
"THIS IS X. RED X"
"…why"
"I HEAR YOU HAVE A MASTER PLAN IN THE WORKS. I WANT IN."
"robin, i know it's you"
"TELL ME WHAT YOU NEED"
"i need you to leave me alone"
"WE CAN EVEN JUST HANG OUT FOR PIZZA IF YOU WANT"
"wat"
"NOTHING. BYE"
slade set the phone aside and went to channel surf again. it was now 8 am, and the selection was a bit better. he happened to come across as he surfed, however, a marathon of a certain cartoon program. it was one he had never watched before, but heard only rumors. teen titans go! was having a marathon, and he had come in right at the start.
slade watched it and began to cry. but he could not stop. he just kept watching the program from his couch, devastated. an existential crisis followed. he grabbed some gelato from the freezer. "where am i?" he asked. "how can this show be"
"is this what it would be like if i were to truly disappear" he wondered. "is this what teen titans is like with me not in it?" he kept watching, to see if he'd ever make an appearance in an episode. he went through all the gelato he had and then filled the empty container with his tears.
RING-RING-RING
"robin, i can't. i'm having a moment right now"
"This is not Robin."
"oh"
"But I want to relay a message."
"oh… ohkay."
"I have heard that you have not been responding to Robin's calls very well. This upsets me. You're treating him very unfairly."
"but i just wanted—"
"Nobody cares what you want, Slade. You're the villain. You had one job, and now you're trying to just shrug off your responsibilities. It's very immature."
"i'm sorry"
"Robin deserves better than this."
"i… i know he does…"
"You don't want Teen Titans Go! to be reality, do you?"
"n-no, sir"
"Then get out there. Get out there and give this plot depth. Go be the dark corners of Robin's mind."
"thanks, sir. but who are you?"
"I'm Batman."
then the phone was hung up, and slade went out to go do evilry
and so it was that slade learned that, just as a hero's work is never done, a villain can't have a day off, either. it was a hard earned lesson, but it was still more pleasantly felt than the combined obesity that slade endured through his massive gelato consumption and lack of exercise.