Title: Don't Tell Me If I'm Dying
A/N: Title is from Angels on the Moon by Thriving Ivory.
Spoilers: It's an AU so I don't think there is any.
Word Count: 5,539
XXX
His feet hit the ground with loud thuds and his breathing sounded as if someone put a microphone to his throat, but it didn't stop him. Even the heavy bag on his side that hit him with each movement didn't stop him. He still ran as fast as possible from his friends house and down the street, which he'd hoped was safe, and was easily granted that wish.
He didn't even stop running until he had safely pushed the door to a house open and slammed it shut and fumbled with the lock until it was safely secured. He collapsed to the ground, leaning against the wall but already knowing he should be getting away from the door and down to the basement with the others, but he didn't care, he didn't even care that he was squashing the bag underneath him.
He was wore out and could barely breath, why should he worry about moving was he was somewhat safe where he was? He closed his eyes and tried to control his breathing but realized it was stupid and finally stood up and found his way to the back of the old house.
He pulled the key from around his neck and opened the door to the kitchen, and locked it when he came back in. He paused in the kitchen for a moment to peek through the cracks in the wood that boarded up the window and once belonged to a bunk bed of the twins his ex-girlfriend baby sat on the weekends. It made him sad for a moment that the 8 year old boys were long gone.
He didn't stay in the kitchen for long and pushed the heavy table out from in front of the door and unlocked it with the second key that hung on the silver chain. He opened the door and did his best to pull it back in front of the door before he closed it again and locked it.
He kicked at the rug on the ground and knocked three times on the ground before the trap door that blended in all too easily with the wood ground went downwards. He jumped down and pushed and pulled the rug until it was back over the trap door and pushed it upwards when it was safely hidden.
They took every precaution necessary to live, even if it meant unlocking multiple doors till they got to safety. He pulled the bag over his head and tossed it onto the table and sat down in one of the chairs, still trying to regain regular breathing.
"How many?" James asked, bringing him out of his trance he hadn't realized he'd entered.
"Too many." Carlos replied quietly, not looking him in the eyes. He bent down over him and lifted up his chin. He sighed quietly and touched the bruise that was forming above his eye. "I'm fine." He said, even though James hadn't asked. "I'll heal."
"How did it happen?"
"I slipped." Carlos admitted, hating the fact something so stupid made this happen. He wasn't clumsy, but he had managed to slip on the tiled floor of the store and slam his head into the counter. He was glad that the adrenaline pumping through his veins caused him not to feel the pain until James pressed his fingers lightly to it. "But I didn't get bit, I told you I wouldn't."
"You were still careless." James said, his voice low enough to keep it between the two teenagers but not low enough to erase the harsh tone in his voice. "I don't want you going out next raid, alright?"
"I don't have much of a choice, do I? Logan almost died when he went and no one else will go." Carlos said, standing up from the table and walking away from him. James caught him by the wrist and turned him around, giving him the same look he gave him the day it all started. It was a mix of fear and courage that Carlos could never understand.
"No." He stated, already knowing that James was thinking of going. "No, James, I won't let you."
"Why not? I'm stronger, I'm faster than you." Carlos could tell he almost added braver but he shook his head, not allowing him. "Then we'll find someone else, alright? I don't want you going out."
"It's just a bruise." Carlos said quietly. "It won't happen again." Carlos pushed away from James and walked towards one of the rooms, pulling up the curtain that revealed his room he shared with James.
Overall, the room was fine. It had a mattress pushed up against the wall that they switched off using at the beginning of the night but almost always found themselves waking up and asking the other one for comfort to get away from their nightmares. It had a small trunk by the opening that held their clothes and a few special objects they managed to run away with.
Carlos sat down on the mattress, tempted to lay down but knew if he did he'd fall asleep. It only took a few minutes before James pulled the curtain out of the way and sat down next to him.
"I just want you to be safe." He said quietly, Carlos looked away from the wall and towards him. "And I know you want the same with me but let's face it, it's not going to work. This isn't a world that is safe. Not anymore."
"Will we ever get the world back to normal?" Carlos asked the same question he asked almost everyday since the beginning. "I'm tired of living down here, I want the world back to normal when there were barely any of those freaks around."
"I know." James said quietly, taking Carlos' hand in his and squeezing it gently. "You should probably see the doctor, she'll want to know if you're alright."
"Yeah, I'll go now."
-x-
Carlos skipped "dinner". It wasn't because he wasn't hungry or that whenever he looked at the food he got during a raid he remembered the faces of his old friends and neighbors chasing after him with only one thing on their mind. It was more because he knew that James would somehow twist Carlos into allowing him to go out next week for the raid and it made him lose his appetite to just think about James stuffing whatever he could possibly find in the emptying store and run as fast as possible back home.
He had faith in James, yes. And like James said he was fast and strong and could easily do it on his own and might even do it fast enough to avoid the zombies all together, but it didn't stop Carlos from twisting and turning on the mattress with his dreams filled with James running for his life from the people and not making it back on time.
Whether or it was the twisting and turning and small whimpers that escaped his lips or the same routine as every other night, James woke Carlos up and crawled under the blanket next to him and held him close to his chest.
"Just promise me you'll keep safe when you go." Carlos said quietly, already giving into James. "If you die I'll kill you."
"I promise." He whispered back, running his hand over his arm as comforting as humanly possible.
-x-
James had started the raids the very next day. He hadn't even given him a warning and disappeared before Carlos woke up and came back a few hours later saying he managed to raid house along the street before they could catch him.
He did the same thing for the next few weeks, always leaving while Carlos slept and raiding the houses that were either abandoned by the owners and underground with Carlos and James or where off craving people in the city.
Carlos could tell that as he came back with less and less that things were getting worse. They were one of the first states to be taken over and some of the other states were still free from the virus due to lock downs, but the only way they were going to survive is if they got out.
And they would only get out if they managed to get enough cars and gas to leave the state without stopping. They didn't have weapons, they relied on their surroundings and their speed, which made the way to get out less and less possible.
They did know that if they managed to get weapons and the cars the first place they would go to would be the next virus-free state: California. It was far away, yes, but they could make it. There was another virus-free state in between they could stop at for a while, but they all knew they had to get away from here and to the ocean.
The ocean was the safest place. Zombies, for some unknown reason, hated water.
Carlos always dreamed about escaping to the ocean, too, even before the zombies came. He loved the water. He loved swimming and he loved splashing it on James whenever they could play around on the rare occasions people weren't worrying about the zombies getting in.
"Carlos?" James said, pulling back the curtain and bringing him out of his daydream of standing on a boat watching the waves splash on the sides. "There's someone here. Someone new. All the way from New York."
"New York?" Carlos asked, climbing out of his bed and brushing past James and outside. He paused and instantly knew who this new person was. He had dirty blonde hair and a mix of different shades of green that blended together to make his eyes. He was clean, at least from the virus. Everyone with the virus had dark almost black eyes.
"He saved me, actually." James said quietly, leaning over to keep the conversation between the two. Whoever the boy was, he was already talking to the others. "I did exactly what you told me not to, which is the only reason why it happened."
"Forest?" He said quietly, not even bothering to turn to see if he was nodding. James had a bad habit of spending a lot of time in the forest, which was where the zombies stayed at most of the time, hiding in the trees and pouncing on the people who thought it was safe. Carlos was too interested in this new person that claimed to be from New York to be mad at James, though he wasn't going to let him get away with it.
"I'm sorry." He said quietly, knowing that a quiet Carlos usually meant he was angry or upset. Either way, it wasn't good. "I won't go again."
"Good." He said quietly, turning around and punching him lightly in the arm. "Who is he?"
"Kendall. He said he was an artist in New York and when his mom was turned he came here. He's headed to California." James said, walking back to their room. "I don't know why he wouldn't stay in New York, isn't water supposed to be safe?"
"Maybe he has family here." Carlos suggested, sitting down on the bed next to him. "Seems like the only logical explanation."
"Maybe." James said quietly. "He said he's good at hijacking cars and stuff so he might be going to the school and trying to get one of the buses hooked up for us to go. He's got a bunch of weapons but he ran out of gas by the store."
"He'd have to go back to get his stuff then." Carlos said, laying down on his back and starring at the ceiling. "And someone would have to go with him, since he doesn't have a key."
"Yeah." James muttered. "I know two people are dangerous, I get that but can you give it a chance? Let me go with?" Carlos closed his eyes and covered his face with his hands, stress taking over him.
He hated James traveling on his own, and even if this guy-Kendall saved James life, was it really safe for him to go? Couldn't James just chill out by the door and wait? No, because if Kendall didn't make it back the zombies might find some way of working his weapons. They were getting smarter.
"I'll go. You stay." Carlos said, opening his eyes and moving his hands back to his side, not even surprised that James moved to lean over him. "I haven't been anywhere in almost a month, James. I need to do something."
"Fine." He said quietly, leaning down and kissing him softly on the forehead. "Tomorrow you two go."
"How long do you think it will be until we can leave? The state, I mean. Or at least the city." James shrugged and Carlos sighed. "We have to leave soon, you know. We can't exactly stay here forever. We're running out of food."
"We'll manage." He replied, biting his bottom lip softly. "Okay? We will, I promise."
"You always promise." Carlos said quietly, reaching up and tugging lightly at the ends of his hair. "And you never break one, so I trust you."
"Good." He said, smiling and leaning down to kiss him lightly. "You should probably get some sleep then, it's almost dark out."
"Right, right." Carlos muttered, sitting up. "I'll go up with the next group then."
"I'll check the TV for any news." James squeezed his hand and left the room, going to the next room over that held the small TV they had kept separate from the other stuff and heard it flick on, the usual news talking about the program they were starting to rid the world of this virus but they all knew it wasn't likely it was going to work.
-x-
Carlos followed some of the people upstairs and towards the bathroom on the first floor, remembering vaguely of the first week when he helped pushed the furniture to block the back door and being glad that the bathroom didn't have a window for them to board up.
Almost all of the rooms where empty and the beds were downstairs, the windows boarded up and the rooms that had windows were blocked off with TV's. Carlos was glad that they had somehow managed to convinced the wealthy owner to be the safe house owner, but he'd been turned shortly after he agreed so it hadn't really mattered.
Most of the people who owned guns or any other weapon that would be useful were the first to turn. Some of the people tried to get the weapons and use them, but barely anyone had understood how to shoot a gun or swing an ax and they were turned.
No one else even tried to repeat the action in fear of turning themselves.
Carlos brushed his teeth in silence with the others, them taking turns to use the bathroom and go back downstairs in pairs. James passed him on his way up and pulled him into one of the empty rooms and told him that there was no news, but the program had started up in New York and was so far working.
Carlos didn't let him leave without hugging him and being grateful that the one friend he had left was still there with him, unlike Logan who lost his girlfriend. Of course Logan was their friend too, but they rarely spent time with him. He was still a wreak after having to beat her head to a bloody mess with a rock.
"I'll be in the room." Carlos said, pulling away from the hug.
"You can sleep on the mattress again tonight." James said quietly, pulling him back into the hug. "It's better than the floor."
"Yeah." Carlos said, agreeing to the obvious. James walked away but gave a quick kiss to Carlos before he escaped out of the empty room and found his way back to his, but paused and walked into the room with the TV, flipping it on and searching through the channels for the one he wanted.
"New York has started the program today and so far it's working. Everyone has agreed that this is the best decision the government has made this year." She said on the screen, Carlos rolled his eyes and turned it off, knowing that deep down inside, something was going to happen with the program and everyone would lose all hope they might have in the government and their supposed "best decision this year".
Carlos only wanted to check the news because he knew that no matter how much James loved him and how much he loved James, they lied to each other. They gave each other hope, even if it wasn't real.
"How many?" James asked, the first time Carlos had been out on a raid.
"Just two or three." Carlos lied, fully knowing that there was over five of them chasing him through the forest.
Carlos sighed and left the room and walked back into his pulling the blanket over his head and settling into the mattress. He couldn't fall asleep though, like every other night he had to wait for James to come back and the lights to officially be turned off.
He finally closed his eyes though, only to be created with dreams of Kendall and James running through the forest together...happy. It wasn't the usual nightmare he had. It was usually filled with him or James running from dozens of zombies but this was worse. Seeing James, even if fake, with Kendall made his stomach twist in a knot.
It was enough to wake him up and find James already on the mattress next to him, arms wrapped tight around him. Carlos couldn't fall back asleep though, and watched James be the most peaceful he's seen him sense it all began.
-x-
He wanted to blame this all on Kendall. He wanted to blame him for having to run with a much heavier bag than he was used to. He wanted to blame him for running out of energy before he even got half way back. But he couldn't.
Because it was his fault.
It was Carlos' fault that the no longer people were chasing after him because he'd slammed the trunk to loud. It was Carlos' fault because no matter what he didn't want to make a second trip and carried more than he should have. It was his fault he was out of energy because he'd skipped breakfast in hopes of getting this job over with and see James' just as he woke up.
It didn't matter though, because he crashed through the door and held it open just long enough for Kendall to get inside before he slammed it closed and locked it. He sank to the ground just like on every other raid and rested.
"So tell me, Carlos, why do you keep all the other doors locked but not this one?" Kendall asked through deep ragged breaths. "Can't they get in?"
"No." Carlos replied, holding a sweaty hand to his forehead. "They can't work the knob. Shouldn't you know that? I mean you came all the way from New York-"
"I kill them, I don't study them." Kendall interrupted, standing back up after a few minutes of silence and let Carlos unlock the doors as they went back downstairs. Carlos dropped the heavy bag of weapons on the table and sat down on one of the chairs, James coming out from their room and going straight to him.
"How many?" He asked his regular question, when Carlos didn't respond he narrowed his eyes and repeated the question.
"Ten." He said quietly, taking down the number in half like he always did. By now he knew that James could tell he was lying. James had gone out on his own raid, he would know that there would always be more.
"You're bleeding." He stated, his eyes going to the cut on Carlos arm. He'd been stupid today, and slammed into the fence when he took that one glance behind him. James looked up into his eyes and checked them.
"I'm not infected, you idiot." Carlos said, pushing him away. "It's just a cut."
"And last time it was just a bruise." James said, anger taking over his voice. "What's next, Carlos? Just a twisted ankle? Just a broken bone? How long will it take before it's just a bite?"
"James I promised you I would never be infected and I fully intend to keep that promise." Carlos snapped back. James jaw clenched. "If it gets bad I'll know it, okay?"
"Will you? Because when your sister died and you were depressed and starting hurting yourself you didn't seem to think that it was bad. You thought you were fine."
"That's not the same thing." Carlos said, looking away from him and realizing how many people had left their rooms to see the fight.
James sighed and walked back to their own room, hating the attention he was getting. The two were disliked enough because they were the "leaders" of the place, they didn't need to be disliked for causing fights inside.
Carlos glanced over at Kendall who was trying (and failing) at hiding a smirk. Carlos stood up and walked into the room and watched James pace around the small area. He paused when he heard the curtain slide closed and turned around to face him.
"I'm sorry." He said, walking over to him and holding him. Carlos was used to these fights and apologies, James had always had a temper, and he let it get out of control easily but lately it was unpredictable. He'd only get angry at something one day but not the next.
Carlos wrapped his hands around James' waist and rested his head against James' chest. "I know." He said quietly. "Stressful times." He joked. "But we'll be out soon, right?"
"Right." James agreed.
-x-
James never lied, except when they were trying to make each other feel better which was why Carlos was still convinced they would never get out, but they did. They managed to board up a school buses windows and set up cameras and TV's to see out.
The bus was like a moving hide out, except it was obvious where it was. They packed up things every day and moved them out to the bus and after a month of packing and slowly starving, the bus was ready to go.
They all got on and were ready to travel, all having something to do. The two moms that were still left sewed clothes on the ride for the five growing children that sat in the back and talked about different things like shows they used to watch and making up episodes for the future or playing different types of guessing games.
There were two teenage girls that didn't talk a lot, always looking away but sometimes gave into the silence and talked about regular...girl things. One of them was pregnant and her boyfriend had died (or turned) during the first day. Logan, James, and Carlos were the only teenager boys left and spent most of the time sitting in silence and letting their mind wander.
There was only three fathers left and they talked about different things that ranged from jobs they used to have and to the future they wished they could have. And lastly, Kendall drove. He'd stop whenever he was tired and locked up the bus as much more than it already was and would go to sleep. All of them slept whenever they felt like it, but usually when the bus stopped. It was more comforting to sleep on the floor rather than on the seats thinking they might fall off or be sitting in the most uncomfortably position on the planet.
Carlos and James slept next to each other, as usual. It was awkward and not very comfortable, but it was better than waking up searching frantically for the other one. But the third night they stopped Carlos couldn't fall asleep. Not even with James next to him breathing quietly.
It always took awhile for him to fall asleep, he was always convinced that where they were the zombies would find a way of tearing through the windows and getting them, even if they had boarded up both sides of the windows and it was nearly impossible for even him to get out.
"James?" He said quietly, shaking the boy awake. Carlos moved off of him and pulled himself onto one of the seats and waited for James to come up next to him.
"What?" He finally said, Carlos making out the shape of him rubbing his eyes. Carlos didn't reply and he sighed, finding his hand and holding it tightly in his. "Can't sleep?"
"No." He admitted after a little bit. "I just...I don't know why."
James moved closer to him and lifted his chin up to face his with his free hand. Even in the darkness he could see the small smile on his lips and after a moment felt it on his own. He pulled away after a minute but they still sat there, noses touching and lips the small distance apart.
"What was that for?" Carlos whispered, finally breaking the silence ever so slightly.
"I don't know." James replied, equally as quiet. He laughed and kissed him lightly but turned into Carlos pulling him in closer. Their breathing slowly getting louder and heavier, though Carlos finally broke it, in need of air.
"We haven't kissed like that since we first..." He trailed off, not really sure of how to explain it. "Since the forest." James finally decided.
Carlos remembered it, clearly. After Carlos got the news of his sister dying, he'd gone straight to the forest. He was 14 and James had been the first one to find him and told him he'd always be there for him, and as a joke to seal the deal they had to kiss. It was supposed to be just a peck but it turned into a make-out session meeting after school. They hadn't let their...relationship get out of the forest until a few years later when the break out happened and they moved underground.
But they still hadn't kissed like that in a long time.
"I miss it." Carlos finally admitted, smiling softly. After all, they hadn't exactly been able to be...physical with little kids running around which was probably why their relationship had deepened to be less of kissing and more to actual love.
-x-
Kendall had decided the next day that they needed to raid the town of as much stuff as possible, which Carlos found ridiculous. But his thoughts didn't matter, because James, Carlos, Logan and one of the dads were given guns and a bag while the other two and Kendall "guarded" the bus.
Carlos still felt like it was trick for Kendall to leave them, though. But he still walked cautiously with James at his side and they walked into one of the houses, taking anything possible and leaving for the next one.
They got through a lot of the houses, but barely got anything, and so they pressed on. James insisting on finding the store before they left but Carlos insisting they go back. But it wasn't that James was trying to get to the store and stop the people from starving to death that made Carlos so angry with him.
It was James not listening to him that made him upset. And was why he was refusing at that moment to tell him that the bandage wrapped around his arm was because he fell and cut it open instead of telling him the truth that one of the freaks had bite him.
He told, or in a way told him, Kendall though, which was insane. After everyone was asleep he crawled away from James and found Kendall awake starring up at the ceiling. He knew before Carlos even said anything.
"You know you have to die now, right?" Kendall said, Carlos raised an eyebrow, confused. "You were bite, and now you have to die."
"How long?"
"Until morning." Kendall replied, still not bothering to turn and look at him. "I suggest you tell James you love him before then."
-x-
As much as he hated it, Kendall was right. Not only about having to die in the morning, but having to tell James about both. He'd never once told James how much he loved him, and now he would have to put him through the extreme pain of having to live for the rest of his life knowing that he was gone?
It tore Carlos apart, and he even considered running away but he knew it would hurt him even more. He waited until morning, barely even sleeping, before he woke him up when the light barely spilled through the cracks in the wood.
"James? Can we talk?" Carlo asked, not realizing until he spoke how much he was slipping away. His voice was hoarse and his eyesight was blurry, everything turning into weird shapes. He could barely even move, his body was growing stiff. He was slipping, and he hated that. "James?"
"Hmm?" He mumbled, pulling out of his dream and sitting up to see Carlos on the seat, his back facing him. "Carlos, what's wrong?"
"James, I..." He trailed off, not sure what to tell him first. What if James thought saying he loved him was a trick to letting him live? What if telling him that he was infected would make James think he no longer wanted to be in this relationship? However weird it was?
"Carlos?" He said again, his hand touching his back lightly. "You're scaring me."
"I'm infected." He finally said after a while, he felt James' hand withdraw from his back and closed his eyes, not wanting James to somehow get a sneak peek at how they were already transforming into blackness. "I have to go."
"Go as in...?" James knew the answer. He knew that he meant go as in die, not be "released into the wild" or runaway. "Carlos, you can't."
"I have to." He repeated, he felt James' hands pulling Carlos' down but he kept his eyes closed, knowing that James' face was overtaken by sadness and he couldn't handle that. He felt his lips touch lightly to his own before they pulled apart.
"But I never go to tell you how much I love you." James said, his voice shaky. He knew that James was starting cry now, and it killed him. "You love me too, right? So you can fight this, right?"
"You know that isn't possible, James." He said, shifting in the seat. "But yeah, I love you too. Always."
"Always." James agreed.
-x-
James was the one that was sent to kill Carlos, which he thought was cruel but knew that it was Kendall's idea of showing strength. Kendall's idea of showing how much people had to face that their loved ones were gone, even if to the rest that watched from beside the bus thought they were only friends.
"Always." James said quietly, reminded Carlos of just an hour before. Carlos still refused to open his eyes and show James that he was in fact, almost gone, but he knew that James was holding the gun up, only a few inches away from his face, finger on the trigger.
"Always." Carlos replied, his voice so hoarse and almost gone the word almost didn't come out. He waited for a few minutes, feeling himself slip away from the strong hold he had onto himself until now that kept the monster that would take over his body and mind at bay. He could feel how stiff his body was becoming and how much that the monster was starting to gain control and if James didn't do it now, he'd be gone. He'd fight. He wouldn't even hesitate to take him down.
And that's when he felt it. Just as he lost control. Just as he was about to lunge forward and mentally scream at the monster and try and fight it off and keep it from opening it's eyes to show James that the monster had won. He felt it, it stung and it hurt and he feel to the ground with a loud thud, but he felt it.
Freedom.
Freedom at last.