"Human emotions are much more complicated than I previously thought…"
The amount of truth to that statement, though he often thought about it a lot, seemed to nag at him once seeing it in his own scratchy handwriting. He didn't allow it to bother him too much though, and he soon turned back to the tiny laptop he had conveniently placed to the side of his desk.
It wasn't necessarily the best arrangement, having to switch back and forth from scrolling through mostly useless information on the computer, to quickly turning and scribbling down what he did end up finding interesting in his barely-filled spiral notebook labeled 'Observations', but it seemed to work just fine for the purpose of what he was using it for.
A look of slight annoyance now plagued the blonde-haired, former dream demon, as he seemed to have arrived at a standstill in his search for answers.
Why were humans so damn complicated?!
His golden-brown eyes squinted at the small print laid out across the screen in front of him. He had been doing this for hours, and by now he had practically made peace with the fact that he was most likely wasting his time. Plus, he had acquired a small headache from staring hopelessly at the laptop for quite so long.
With a small huff of frustration, he brought his hands up to gently shut the laptop (he had already learned his lesson about what happens if you aren't too careful with technology) and eventually up to cover his face. The darkness of his hands curtaining over his strained eyes provided at least a tiny bit of relief, but his headache was still rather prominent.
When he had asked the Axolotl for a second chance, he had not realized the hardships he would have to face in just his new form alone. Not to say he didn't know what he was getting into completely. In fact, he knew very well that this wouldn't be a nice walk in the park⎯but he most certainly had not expected all the terrible or confusing things that simply living a life would entail.
Redemption. Pfft, as if a being of his nature could even achieve such a thing. He had made too many mistakes, as he viewed it, to even so much as to come close to achieving redemption. Furthermore, say he was able to achieve redemption, then what?
There really wasn't much for him to live for anyways. His sole purpose in this stupid excuse of a life was to solely obtain redemption.
That was it.
He had never even thought to ask the Axolotl what he was to do after his goal was achieved. Come to think of it though, it was probably the appropriate response not to ask. After all, he had just been given a second chance from a being more powerful than anything to ever exist in the known multiverse. Of course, he wouldn't have thought to ask something as stupid as⎯
Was it really stupid though? It seemed like a legitimate question after-the-fact.
What was the Axolotl even trying to accomplish with all of this anyways? Why give him a second chance?
It wasn't like every single being on the verge death got a 'get out of jail free' card from Mr. Frilly Know-It-All, himself. And if there was one thing Bill knew for certain, it was that he was the least befitting to receive such a bestowment.
If only he had died back when the… incident… happened…
That, and that alone, seemed to be the only logical solution to all his seemingly difficult problems. Problems that hours upon hours of computerized research did no justice for at all.
Yet, here he was alive, with⎯as far as he was concerned⎯no real purpose.
There was no way in the entire multiverse that Bill Cipher⎯the being who had caused millions of deaths and more destruction and devastation then preferably fathomable⎯would achieve redemption. He had already thrown in the towel on that one. A couple of times, he pondered ending his newfound useless excuse for a life. One time, he even planned out how he was going to do it too. Yet, something had stopped himself from going on with the action.
He never really knew why, especially since he knew none of the Pines family would care. They hated him just as much as they did when he was in the midst of creating an apocalyptic wonderland filled with chaos and destruction as far as the eye could see⎯er⎯that was the plan anyways. The plan that had failed miserably, and had ultimately led to his second upbringing in the first place.
Although the Pines family was at least hospitable enough to let him stay in one of the spare rooms in the shack, he knew damn well that he was still the most prominent subject of hatred amongst them. They hadn't even tried to hide it either.
Not that Bill expected them to…
It had only been a week since Bill started his new life, and about three days since he had first come to the Mystery Shack to seek shelter in the first place. During those three days, he had kept to himself, pretty much staying in the room they had half-heartedly provided for him. To his delight, needless to say, his interactions with the Pines family, so far, had been very minimal.
All the same, there seemed to be some aspect of this life that kept him from doing anything too harmful..
But what was it?
It wasn't like he enjoyed his new life! Hell, no. Being a human was absolutely horrible! Being constantly bombarded with a plethora of new emotions and experiences at every turn was not something Bill took to liking very easily.
He found himself often confused or irritated for reasons he didn't completely understand⎯and as if that wasn't annoying enough, he found that he had to maintain his new body with things like sleep, food, exercise, and a whole bunch of other 3rd dimensional bullshit that made absolutely no sense.
Almost every single aspect of his life as a human was a living hell, and his failing attempts to try to make sense of it just made him more angry than he was to begin with.
Redemption was not worth this! Not that he would be redeemed anyways!
What was the point of thi⎯
~THUD~
Bill's thoughts had been momentarily interrupted by the feeling of his forehead slamming against the desk in front of him, sending a few papers flying this way and that. He had gotten so caught up in his thoughts, that he barely noticed that his elbows were slowly slipping out from underneath him⎯until it was too late that is.
He muttered an exclamation of discomfort, followed by a low groan of annoyance and lifted himself up once again only to see that he had scattered his research across the floor.
His hands, once having been a nice shield for his eyes from the semi-bright light of his gold desk lamp, given to him by Shooting Star, herself, as a sort of house-warming gift, now lay rubbing his aching forehead in hopes to make the slight discomfort he was experiencing go away.
Although he was annoyed that his papers had been spread everywhere, he was kind of relieved that he had been snapped out of his train of thought.
Confusing as it was, Bill had come to find that the more tired he was, the more apt he was to think irrationally, and⎯sometimes⎯dangerously.
With a brisk sigh, the blonde glanced down at his notebook, which had conveniently remained in its place on the desk in front of him, and read over what he had written once again.
"Human emotions are much more complicated than I previously thought…"
Bill rolled his eyes at the simple, yet still severely annoying sentence, before picking up his writing utensil to jot yet another note down.
"Note to self: Try not to think too much when tired…"
A tiny bit of amusement seemed to appear on his face as he paused his writing for a quick moment to let a small yawn out.
"Or find something to hit yourself in the head with.. Seems to work just fine in bringing one back to their senses.."
He read back what he had wrote, and upon feeling satisfied with himself, he closed his notebook and slouched down in his chair as if to allow himself to drift off into another train of thought.
Being human really sucked.
He didn't like the fact that his body grew tired quickly, and he most certainly didn't like the fact that it altered his state of mind when it did. As ironic as it sounded, sleep was still rather new to the former dream demon turned human.
Being a being of pure energy simply provided for itself in that matter.
But now, he wasn't a being of pure energy. He was a being of seemingly no energy at all! The concept of actually needing sleep to merely function and have rational, cognitive thought was very foreign and mildly annoying to say the least.
Another soft yawn escaped the blonde's mouth, and his long frame sunk deeper into the chair in hopes that he would be able to find more comfort in doing so.
He was drained.
Being sleep deprived was horrible! He felt as if his entire head was in a fog, and his motivation for research had absolutely disappeared⎯only to be replaced by an extreme longing for a few hours of sleep. It was what his body needed after all. For the past week of being a human, Bill had probably only gotten a quarter of the sleep his body needed.
Now, he was paying the price.
Not wanting to sleep was no longer an option for him, and soon enough he gave up trying to fight his body's demands. His eyes closed shut, and his body seemed like it had turned off altogether⎯slouching down even further in his chair in a position that would have appeared to be rather uncomfortable. Yet, it went unnoticed by the now sleeping figure.
He would have to finish his research later… for right now, he needed the rest.