It was weird being back at the Rock – the Rock without Sasha. It was like life had gone back a year. After much deliberation and opposition from Ellen Beals Dmitri Beloff was appointed new coach at the Rock. It was a bit of a consolation, but all Payson could think of and want was Sasha, Sasha, Sasha! And what made things worse – even though Sasha was not much like Dmitri in appearance, some of Dmitri's mimics and gestures were exactly the same as Sasha's. And every time Payson saw one of those she felt a pang sadness and pain. It was weird to even call Dmitri – coach Beloff – knowing that it would be the wrong Beloff who answered.
A month had passed. The team competed at an invitational where Payson won. But the joy was marred by Sasha's absence and total silence. He hadn't called her once in that month or let her know how he was any other way. Or asked about her. She wondered if he had even watched that invitational? If he even knew she had won? Seen how she had beaten a bunch of serious competitors? In what great shape she was? And all of that was his doing. Even though Sasha didn't seem to think about her at all Payson thought about him constantly. It was him she pictured during her floor routine at the invitational, it was Sasha she performed for, it was due to him the judges almost cried when her routine was over – so strong was the emotion behind it. Her Romeo had a face now – Sasha's face.
It took Payson a month to work up enough courage to call Sasha himself. She would have tried calling him immediately after he left if it wasn't for her feelings. When she learned he had left it hit her immediately – Sasha was never and would never be just her coach. And she'd never be able to talk to him as to just her coach again.
She kept mulling over his story about his "love" for his coach in England. And how Sasha thought her love for him was just the same. But now the more she remembered every detail of the kiss, every feeling behind it the more she knew – Sasha was completely and totally wrong. About her feelings at least. What his feeling were she was afraid to think of.
Nobody seemed to notice what was going on in Payson's head. Her mom and dad were tender, supportive and not inquisitive, giving her space, but obviously not realizing what they were giving her space for. Kaylie was still in the hospital – the time the committee had given her to get well had almost run out and she had other things on her mind than Payson's condition when Payson visited. Lauren was pissed off Payson had beaten everyone including her at the invitational and close with Summer more than ever. Payson could no longer be in the same room with Summer anymore. She kept thinking of the night she brought Sasha some food and found Summer there all cozy. Payson didn't allow herself to think how that evening ended – and it was another point against calling Sasha herself. Summer was with Steve Tanner again, but still Payson could not get rid of her jealousy.
Emily just thought the controlled focused Payson was back, besides she had a lot to deal with even after they let her out of jail. She never wanted to talk about that or the trial. Besides she was still waiting for the reply from the gymnastics committee on what the punishment was going to be.
The rest of the boys and girls started to forget the whole Sasha kiss story and didn't pay much attention to Payson. It was just Dmitri who realized something was off. Sometimes when she met his shrewd gaze she wondered what Sasha had told him about her.
A month was it. Payson felt she could no longer do anything without talking to Sasha even briefly. With trembling hands she found his number on the mobile and pressed call. Her heart was beating wildly, blood rushed into her head. She had no idea what she would say – she just needed to hear Sasha's voice. But Sasha's phone was turned off. Another blow. But there was a plan B.
That day she was the last one left in the gym. Dmitri dismissed her and was ready to leave when she said: "Coach Beloff? Could I talk to you for a minute?"
Dmitri turned around and gave Payson another one of those shrewd looks. Payson felt her heart pounding in her ears as she continued: "I was just wondering if you have talked to Sasha lately? It's been a long time."
"I have, my darling." – Dmitry said, smiling – "I am sure he would have given me a message for you or even called you himself if he wasn't so busy beating himself up with guilt over Kaylie's condition and that unfortunate incident with you."
Payson felt the flush creeping up her cheeks. "But I thought we had talked that kiss through. It was just a stupid crush. Coach Beloff, I need to talk to Sasha. My floor routine and the rest of my program was Sasha's idea – I just want to ask him things now and then, or get his opinion on what I'm doing right or wrong." – all Payson could hope for was that the flush wasn't showing too much on her face. – "I don't mean to say you're a bad coach, no!" – she added hastily, - "It's just Sasha was with me through the worst time of my life, he virtually put me back together and remade me as an athlete. It's only thanks to him that I'm an artistic gymnast now – a few months ago I couldn't have imagined it in my wildest dreams! And sometimes I just need Sasha to tell me I'm still on the right path with this."
"Didn't the last invitational convince you you are the best?" – Dmitri smiled. – "But I know what you mean. And I think my son needs to talk to you. This running away, this guilt – he needs to learn he's not god and cannot control it all!" – Dmitri chuckled. – "Sasha needs to remember what he knew so well when he was competing himself – you cannot take responsibility for everyone and everything. And you can't leave everything you've worked for and run away after something bad happens – even if you think it's your fault – then you must stay and correct it. I think you can teach him that, Payson."
"Me?" – Payson said incredulously.
"Yes, you, my darling."- Dmitri winked. – "I understand your father is working in Minnesota?"
"Yes!" – Payson answered, not understanding what Dmitri was getting at.
"Then for the past two weeks Sasha was not far from him. I'll write down the directions for you."
Payson's heart was hammering in her chest. She didn't know how yet but she was going to see Sasha very soon.
"Mom, I was wondering…" – Payson started after breakfast. – "Dad was so busy at work the past couple of weeks, he couldn't even come to see us. I know he said it will be over soon and he'll come for a week, but in the meanwhile could I go to see him?" – though Payson never believed in childish superstitions she crossed her fingers under the table.
Kim turned to face Payson, surprised. "But you have just one day off a week – how are you going to make it?"
"I'm getting two days off this week. Coach Beloff said I'm going to train very hard – it's part of my pre-worlds training schedule – so this week I'll need to rest more." – Payson hated lying to her mom. So this was not exactly a lie. She did train harder than ever, but an extra day off didn't have anything to do with that. When she got the directions from Dmitri she asked him straight away if she could have Saturday off as well as Sunday, which was a day off for everyone. Payson still couldn't understand what Dmitri thought she could say to Sasha to make him feel better all of a sudden, but Dmitri seemed to think she needed to go. He was sure an extra day off and a flight won't hurt her and payson wanted desperately to believe him.
"Well, if that is the case…" – Kim was still puzzled. – "But if you're training harder shouldn't you use that extra day off for what you're supposed to use it – rest? And not for flying through half the country?"
"It's not half the country, mom, come on! Dad used to do it nearly every weekend, and he's fine!"
"But your dad is not an elite gymnast!"
"But I miss him and I could really use the support right now! After everything that had happened recently! I just need to see dad and get away from it all for a couple of days! Please, mom, please, please!"
"Oh, ok! I'll talk to your dad and tell you what we decide."
"Thanks!" – Payson grabbed her gym bag and kissed Kim on the cheek. – "You're the best!"
Kim smiled. "I haven't said yes yet. I just said I'll discuss it with your dad."
That day was a blur to Payson. Emily looked sad and tired – she had to train twice as hard just like Payson and Lauren, but she had to work at night as well. Lauren was, well, Lauren. But Payson didn't listen to a word she said that day. All she could think about was that if her mom wouldn't let her go see dad in Minnesota she would still go see Sasha. She didn't know how yet, but now she knew where he was, she just had to go. She had to tell him he was wrong. She had to tell him she loved him not just as a coach. She had to know if he ever could love her back the same way. She might even try to kiss him again – if she saw there was a sparkle of feeling for her in him – a feeling that he might have for her as a man, not as a coach. At a mere thought of that her head reeled and her hands trembled. When she remembered how his lips felt on hers she felt hot and cold. If only she could do it again, properly this time, and if he wouldn't push her away. If only… But Dmitri Beloff called her, getting her out of her reverie. Sasha was in everything Payson did in the gym these days and it didn't even feel like she was distracting from her train of thought – she just had to do a different Sasha thing now, a vault Sasha taught her.
The plane landed without delay. Payson shifted uncomfortably in her seat waiting to be let out. She loved her dad and in a different situation would have wanted to spend every minute with him, but this weekend someone else was more important. She had seen her dad a couple of weeks ago and he was her dad, he would never go away, but Sasha – she hadn't seen him for a month and it killed her. And now, being so close to him she just wanted to run from the airport straight to where Sasha was.
Everything fit perfectly. Payson's dad took half of the day off and Payson told her parents she would meet some childhood friends for the other half of the day. She did call them and arranged to meet them – late in the evening, so again it wasn't exactly a lie. She hated having to tell this half lie at all – but somehow she felt it would take a lot of explaining to make her parents understand if she told the truth and she wasn't sure they'd understand even then.
Payson tried hard to concentrate on her dad in the morning and afternoon and not to seem absent-minded. It seemed to work, though her thoughts kept slipping to Sasha and then her whole body would start to ache with the desire to run to him. But she waited and waited and hours seemed to drag on forever. Then all of a sudden it was afternoon and her dad was kissing her goodbye and going off to work. The minute the door closed after her dad Payson ran upstairs. She spent two hours the day before debating with herself what to put on, rehearsing her makeup. Somehow it never mattered much before what she was wearing – but she was never in love before. And she never flew anywhere to tell a man she loved him and ask if he loved her.
Payson got lucky – the bus was there when she arrived at the bus station. In half an hour she was already walking up a shady path – Sasha had chosen a secluded and picturesque spot to put his trailer. Secluded was perfect for Payson's purposes, though with every step her courage was waning and her heart was hammering faster and faster – it seemed to Payson that even at the world trials that were the peak of her career as a gymnast her heart never raced like that.
And there it was. The door of the trailer was locked. Payson knocked several times, then called Sasha's name but nobody answered. Crushed, Payson sat in the shade of a giant tree by the trailer. A tear ran out of the corner of her eye, then another. She only had three hours and he wasn't there. She had rehearsed every word, every move a thousand times and he wasn't there! What if he had gone for the day? What if he'd only come back tomorrow? What if after coming all this way she would miss him?
Minutes went by as Payson cried silently sitting with her back to the trunk of the tree. She felt tired now from the nerves and the long road. Finally she cried herself to sleep.
"Payson…" – a soft voice said tenderly. A gentle hand brushed a strand of hair from Payson's face, stroking her cheek in the process. Payson's eyes flew open. Sasha's bewildered but happy face was inches from hers. "How on earth did you get here? And fell asleep here, by my doorstep! My poor tired girl! How? Why? Though you can't imagine how glad I am to see you! It seemed so right to leave after the world trials but why have I been so miserable the whole time after I did it? I missed you and the girls like crazy! I watched and recorded the invitational – I wanted to call you but I couldn't decide if I should. You did so well and yet you could do so much more! If only I could trust myself again to coach you!" He wanted to say something else, but Payson's lips sealed his mouth shut.
Sasha froze for a second and Payson's heart sank. Would he push her away again? Her arms wrapped around him, one of her arms found the back of his neck and stroked his hair. And then suddenly Sasha's arms were around her, holding her close to his body. His lips were urgent yet gentle, his tongue brushed hers and then caressed her inner lip as if tasting her. His hands travelled to her face and held it to his like he wanted to stop her from escaping – as if Payson wanted to escape! Her lips fit his perfectly and moved with amazing synchronization. Payson didn't have much kissing experience – she wasn't Kaylie who dated Carter for a year or Lauren who had slept with Carter – both her fellow gymnasts had all the practice in the world to learn to do it right compared to Payson. But at that moment with Sasha everything was perfect. Electric currents ran through both their bodies and Payson couldn't imagine how she could ever break away from him. Sasha's mind was torn between the girl in his arms, who acted with a desperation of a grown woman, and the voice of reason, partly silenced by the sweetness of the moment. Finally he broke away and started kissing her cheeks, her forehead, her eyes, saying "Payson, I'm so sorry! I lost control! After all of my rules forbidding dating! After leaving you all! I'm such a fool! Payson, I'm sorry!" Sasha stopped and was silent. He still held Payson's face in his hands, but now he was looking at her – amazed and horrified. But all Payson could see was the yearning that was also in his eyes – what she came there for.