A/N: Another Shrios one-shot that's sad without having anything to do with Thane's death. I'm also kind of unclear about just what Shepard's situation was between ME2 and ME3 despite the research I did but from what I gathered I interpreted it as a sort-of house arrest situation while they awaited a formal trial. Anyway, enjoy~
All things considered, you're technically a criminal.
Ivy Shepard had been staring into her bathroom mirror for a few moments that had dragged on like hours, watching the water she splashed on her face roll down her cheeks and drip off her jaw. It stung the surgical scars that marred her features; they were barely noticeable by the time she had finished her business with Cerberus, but over the few months she'd been detained by the Alliance, they had returned – redder, angrier, more painful. Her hair had grown remarkably fast, going from chin-length and stringy to almost half-way down her back. She would have to chop it off if she returned to active duty, but she doubted that would happen anytime soon.
Need I remind you that I saved the damn galaxy for you?
And you discredit the efforts of the Alliance in the process. There is no denying your actions, Commander, and we are all very grateful, I assure you. However, you aided a terrorist organization to do so, furthering their own agenda, and that cannot be ignored.
Cerberus is a problem, I don't deny that, and really, I would never work with them under normal circumstances. But they brought me back to life, they assembled a crack team, they were the only ones who did anything about the fucking Collectors. I don't care if you send every policing force you've got after them, I shouldn't have to answer for their wrongdoings. Where would any of you be without my team and I, anyway?
You've done much for humanity and the universe, but you sorely overestimate your importance to us. Commander.
She marched out into her apartment, fists clenched at her sides and a tightness in her chest so constricting that she wanted to scream. She had been trapped here for almost three months, awaiting a trial that was seemingly never coming – although she supposed she preferred being confined to tiny housing than jail. Still, she may have been born a colony kid, but she preferred living on space stations and ships ever since she joined the Alliance; if she was on any one planet for too long, she grew antsy, and being stuck on Earth of all places was practically killing her.
Staring into her mirror like it was the ethereal void had become a routine practice these days. She mused on how she looked as though she hadn't slept in a while, which was mostly true – the bed was crap compared to the one she had on the SR-2, the lack of the ever present spaceship hum made the silence maddening, and although she only got to spend a few nights in someone's arms for the entirety of the mission, she had been positively spoiled by the experience.
She eyed the small kitchenette; the fridge, stocked with things to cook, called to her like it always did during her bouts of frustration over her situation. There was already more than enough half-eaten leftovers taking up space, however; she didn't need to waste ingredients just to make herself less stressed for a short amount of time if no one was going to eat. She made her way over to her bed, briefly surveying the numerous holes in the wall made by her fists, before she picked up the holographic picture frame on her dresser.
Jack, Legion, Zaeed, Jacob, and Grunt had all been sitting around in the cargo hold not an hour after returning from their suicide mission, sweaty, winded, and glad to have all survived. Joker approached them and insisted he capture the moment ("Come on, guys, you just saved the human race, let me have a little fun. I can see the tagline now: 'remember kids, even the saviors of the galaxy can look like crap'," she remembered him saying, before Jack threatened to trap him in a biotic choke hold unless he went straight back to the cockpit before they lost course and crashed). Still, the picture he took did make for a nice memory; no one looked their best (and the usual suspects were perpetually angry), but they were alive and the relief was palpable enough to show on all their faces. It was the only group picture she had of any of her teams, and she treasured it more than she would ever let on – especially since she hadn't seen one member of her crew throughout this entire ordeal.
The picture changed, and the tightness in her chest grew so intense, she had trouble breathing through it. It was of Thane sitting at his table in Life Support a few hours after the mission, a steaming mug of tea in front of him as always, and he looked at the viewer with complete love and reverence. She had felt so stupid asking him if she could capture him (even more embarrassed that Joker's own enthusiasm over taking pictures of the team had inspired her, but she wasn't about to share that with anyone), but he merely smiled – already looking so relaxed after all they had just been through – and replied with a soft, simple, "Of course, Siha". It was perfect for a 'just in case' scenario like this – not being able to see him, touch him, get in contact with him – but she could barely bring herself to look at it. She had a very large ego when it came to her accomplishments and abilities, that much was certain, but it was so strange for someone else to not only see her the way she saw herself, but as so much more; as everything.
She fell onto the mattress and hugged the frame to her chest. "Please.." she whispered hoarsely. "Come get me."
She must have dozed off, because when she was roused by a banging in the ceiling it was already dark outside. Suddenly, the banging grew louder, and she swiftly got up and placed the frame on her bedside table, then flared up her biotics; she had no idea what could possibly be crawling around up there, but it couldn't be normal. Maybe I'll get some action out of this, she thought just as the vent cover fell from the ceiling and clattered to the floor. She prepared to catch the culprit in a pull field before a familiar figure dropped through the opening. "Oh, no way," Ivy found herself breathing out in disbelief as she watched Thane deftly brush off his jacket. "What the hell are you doing here? How did you even find me?"
He closed the distance between them in an instant, wrapping his wiry arms around her and pulling her close. "You forget, Siha, I still have many contacts – some in high places. Despite my limited time here, I know how to get around the Citadel better than most who live here." The rumble of his chuckle in his chest made the tightness in hers melt away, and she cupped the nape of his neck and kissed him hard. He pulled away all too soon and brought a hand up to her face, rubbing his thumb over her scars. "I'm just sorry I could not come sooner."
"Hah, that makes two of us." Despite the pain, she leaned into his touch, running her own fingers over the frills of his neck. "You made an awful lot of noise up there for an assassin." She rose a brow.
He tried to hide his smile. "It's late, I thought you would be asleep. I have seen you forcefully roused from your rest before; it is... not pleasant. I thought I would have a better chance of avoiding the brunt of your wrath if I didn't wake you directly."
"Wise." She tightened her grip on his neck and slid her other hand down his back. "I'm supposed to be tried as a damn criminal, can you believe that?"
"Cerberus has many enemies, for good reason. You saved the entire human race, and that should be celebrated, but I am not surprised that you are to answer for your actions first."
She pulled away slightly, pursing her lips. She should have expected such a reaction from Mr. Atoner himself, but it stung more hearing it out loud. "But that doesn't matter, right? Because you've come to bust me out." She could just picture it now; crawling through the ducts to freedom, using their combined biotics to take down the guards that might catch them, jumping on a shuttle to wherever the hell, hiding out somewhere warm and sandy until the Reapers came, then fighting side by side and-
"No, Siha, I haven't."
She blinked, taking a moment to let the words sink in, then she full-on glared at him. "Then why are you here? A visit? And as soon as it's over, you'll just leave without a word and I won't see you again for another few months? If I even can see you in whatever prison I'll inevitably end up in and if you don't die before I get out?!"
That was enough to make him visibly pained. Good. "It is all I can offer you. As much as I wish I could take you away from all this, you must face it and take responsibility. Not only because it is you duty, but like everything else you've encountered, this is a foe you can beat."
"Oh yeah? In what universe, Thane?" She slumped down onto the edge of her bed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "When it comes down to it, the Alliance doesn't care. All they care about is furthering their own agenda and forbid anyone gets in the way of that. Sound familiar?"
He looked at her in confusion, hesitantly sitting next to her. "You know that's not true. They are much more committed to serving the galaxy as a whole, are they not?"
Ivy's jaw clenched. "I..." She dug her nails into her knee. "They didn't help. The Collectors were going to come for Earth and they didn't do a damn thing, except for making me feel like I was the asshole who chose to work with a human supremacy group." She looked down at the tiled floor, unable to keep a bitter smile off her face. "I was the asshole. There was a point where I would have gladly worked with them even if they hadn't offered their help first.
"You want to know something else?" Thane said nothing, merely taking her hand. "I think they're doing all this to get back at me. For Torfan." Hearing the words leave her mouth made her lapse into a bout of hysterical laughter. "Ridiculous. You'd think they would be less petty than that. Although it's not really a matter of being petty, I suppose, I was... fuck it, I told you what happened there already, I don't need to repeat it." He squeezed her hand, and she let herself lean against him. "I know they think I'm the same person I was. The cold, bloodthirsty, shithead leader who wouldn't dare hesitate to sacrifice everyone under her charge if it meant victory and death to the enemy, and would work with Cerberus of her own accord. If they wanna settle what happened, just fuckin' try he- me for Torfan, at least then prison would be a justifiable sentence." She scoffed and shook her head. "Other than that, I don't get it."
He moved to kneel in front of her, gripping both her hands in his. "You must not separate yourself from your past. You recognize your mistakes, learn from them, and strive never to repeat them, and you have grown so much for it – all of that is important. But every person you have ever been, no matter how unsavory, is still you, and no matter how much you change and atone... you can never escape that. If you try to leave her behind entirely, I fear you will lose much of your ferociousness and tenacity." He smiled slightly.
"I just- I don't want them to think I stand behind what I did with Cerberus for all the wrong reasons. I deserve to answer for Torfan – fuck, I deserve to be punished for what I did on Virmire," her hands shook as she gripped his tighter, "but not this. We don't deserve this. It's not just about me, it's the fact that I had the best team in the goddamn universe behind me who all very nearly died for our mission and it's all for shit. I don't want our actions erased like this; this is the team that I couldn't lose, for fuck's sake." She laughed again. "I'm such a damn mess, I didn't expect to be sharing all this with anyone anytime soon."
He merely leaned up and pressed his lips to her forehead. "You care greatly, Siha, and I know everyone would appreciate how you feel beyond words. I truly believe you will not be found guilty, but as for the need for a trial, something I once said to you bears repeating. Few people get what they deserve, good or bad."
She sighed heavily, pulling their hands up to her face and resting her cheek against them. "So is that officially a no to helping me escape, even after I revealed my fears to you?"
He chuckled again. "I had hoped if you bared your soul, you would realize you need not fear."
"If only it were that easy." She cast a glance at the window behind them, then at her pillows. "I doubt if I asked you to stay a few days, I'd get an answer I'd want to hear. How about the night?"
"I would not want you to get in more trouble should your guard find a drell in your bed tomorrow." He smirked rather wickedly.
She pulled him back up and lowered them both down onto the mattress. "I wouldn't mind pleading guilty to that charge." She cringed visibly as she ran her hands down his chest. "Shit that was awful, forget I said anything." Still, she managed a smile before before burying her face in his neck and running her tongue over his frills.
She woke up the next morning dazed, fully clothed, and Thane nowhere in sight. The vent grate was neatly back in place as though it had never been removed, and the picture was not on the table but on the floor beside her bed. She swore she could still taste him on her lips, and her skin itched despite there being no visible rash, but if he had been here and had to leave before she woke up, he would at least have had the courtesy to leave her a note or something; all the evidence pointed to the entire encounter having been a dream. It was something, she supposed, and maybe it was even enough for now. But she took one more look at the picture, at those damn bottomless eyes, and promptly ran to the bathroom and smashed her mirror to pieces with a charged punch.