Sacrifice. An act that was never easy or else everyone would do it, but something within her knew. A new feeling that she could only think would be hope. Hope had been an unfamiliar feeling within her for so many years, but when faced with a situation where you needed just a bit of confidence, she had taken to it. It was, of course, her mother and father that had told her to have hope in every crisis. She just wasn't used to the crisis being her. She was the new crisis and villain.
It had only been a week since she had turned herself over to the darkness and yet it still felt like an unending eternity. She felt unlike herself in so many ways. Her thoughts were mixed with a certain kind of evil, which had never resided, nor did she care to explore within herself before. Although it had only been a few days, she had already begun to feel the dreadful side effects of her sacrifice. The evil had already started to take a deep root within, misleading her every thought, almost as if her mind was entwined with a poison with no cure. It was forcing its way into her soul and it had started to become even harder deciphering what was her and what was the wickedness residing within in her. She tried desperately to hold unto herself. Her real self.
This new evil was controlling and unfamiliar. Something mysterious, something she knew she didn't want residing within her body. At times she'd find herself hunched over, hands against her head as malevolent thoughts poured into her mind, and she could feel it wanting to change her. She would scream hours on end until her throat felt raw and sore, then defeated. Soon enough not a sound could escape her body even if it wanted to. Trapped inside herself, she'd cry herself to sleep with haunting memories of the night she last saw the people she loved and cared for. The people she knew were missing her just as much as she missed them. Because of her they'd probably be just as sleepless as herself. Although this time she was alone and had no one, she had her memories of before, to comfort her. She held unto them until they all seemed like a charismatic fantasy she wished she lived again.
One night her mind drifted off into a deep and steady sleep.
I love you.
The words she had finally said to Killan echoed within her mind as a distant memory. A painful memory. She had finally said the words to the man she had fallen deeply for. Someone who completed her in every other way no one else could. Along with the words, she was able to remember the pain plastered across his face. Worst of all, she could remember in between the darkness filling her memories, was his pleadings for her to stay. She had placed his hand over her heart as if sending him a message to him that she did love him and that he would always protect her heart—no matter what kind of fate she was faced with.
She had tried to understand why she couldn't say the words to him after finally reuniting with a man she had thought was gone forever. The truth was she did love him and she knew this before he had died in front of her. The real truth that she came to realize, in the end, she didn't want to say she loved him in fear of somehow changing what they had become. But, before turning herself over to the darkness, she knew she couldn't have lived with herself if she didn't tell him the truth. He deserved to know. He knew now and all she could do was wish she hadn't said she loved him. She had caused him unnecessary pain and now she was stuck in-between a certain good and an ever-so-growing darkness. She didn't want to put him through this and it was only a matter of time before they tried summoning her.
The longer time seemed to drag on the more meaningless it became. Her days and nights were filled with unending tortures. The hope she had in the beginning was slowly beginning to fade. There was no more room for hope, unless that was the darkness snuffing out every single glimpse of light she had out of her mind. She had also become quite terrified of who she was and what she was capable of. Unlimited dark magic, the ability to do anything and everything she wanted. She dared to never expose herself to it because she believed one she started she wouldn't be able to stop.
"Dark One, I summon thee," a voice inside her head commanded her to make her presence known. Without another thought, she disappeared into a cloud of black smoke, and headed to wherever the voice came from. She knew who it was and she hoped on everything it wasn't him. He'd have to see her like this and she wasn't ready to see him. What if she lost control? What if she wasn't able to control herself? She had already begun to sink into some sort of insanity by now so she couldn't be so sure of her actions.
When she was finally able to understand where she was an all too familiar pain began to sink in. All she could see in front of her was a vastness of bright blue water. She knew she was on a ship and not just any ship it was the Jolly Rodger. He brought her to the open sea knowing the calmness it sets within her.
"Emma…." A wounded and broken voice said behind her in disbelief. She didn't want to face him. She wasn't just Emma anymore. She was the Dark One, whom had unmistakable power, and she didn't want him to have to face that. She turned and faced him looking straight in his blue eyes that were normally full of color and bliss of the ocean to notice they were almost faded of their color. He looked just as she remembered only this time he'd looked as if he hadn't slept in days. All this pain she was inflicting on him. It was her fault. She did this to him someone who had already lost enough as it is.
"I didn't want to summon you, Swan. I just, I… I just needed to see you. See if you were alright," he whispered, pausing occasionally, as if fending off tears. She looked at the dagger he held securely in his hand like it was his only lifeline. Her name was written clearly in black letters across the blade. He waited for her to speak to say something that Emma Swan would have. There was nothing. She was fighting a internal battle with herself as she did everything in her will power to remain silent, to stay distant. Everything of her essence was telling her to end this. She had no way of knowing if they could cure the Dark One's curse. They had hoped they could. But where had hope gotten her? Most importantly, why should he be put through this?
She walked up to him as emotionless and uncaring as she could and caressed his hand. He looked down and cherished her touch again something that he'd become all too familiar with. For a second he found peace with himself knowing that the Emma he knows was in there, in between the darkness. She then, in a split second, snatched the dagger from his hand.
"Now you don't have to ever summon me again," she said, holding the metal dagger in her right hand. The silver off the dagger glistened in the sunlight, as she saw her fate was destined to be enslaved to the only thing that could command, and kill her. She turned away from him and off into the ocean as she felt the gentle rock of the ship. It's like he wasn't listening to her, but just overwhelmed with the fact that she was here. It had occurred to her that he might have thought he'd never see her again.
"Emma, I never did get to tell you that I love you too," he whispered closely. Her heart fell into her stomach. She didn't want to do it, but everything in her being was telling her to. It was best for him and her. She turned and faced him again, which took all the courage she could muster. He looked almost hopeful that his words had gotten past the evil that resided in such a beautiful soul before. He knew she was in there somewhere. He hoped that his Swan was coming back to him slowly.
Ever since the day she had sacrificed herself and she had told him she loved him he regretted not telling her that he loved her too. He had hoped that these words would open her heart back up. Return her to who she was before.
"Killian, I don't love you," she mumbled looking down. She couldn't say it looking into his eyes that looked so hopeful in her. He was wrong about her. They were all wrong about her. She had it firmly embossed in her mind now that there was no going back from where she was. She was the villain, he was the hero, and if there was anything she knew about villains was that they never get their happy endings. Or their happy endings get destroyed.
"Emma… you don't mean that, this isn't you." She had struck a chord within him that could never be fixed. She couldn't allow herself to love him like this. Maybe it was selfish, but he deserved better than her.
"Actually this is me and I did mean it… I have to leave." She had to keep her façade up in order for him to believe her. Everything she was saying was hurting her just the same maybe even more. Every moment that they had shared together in the past was something she wanted in their future, but all the hope that once resided in her was taken. She let the darkness creep into her bones, throughout her veins, and into her heart. She didn't have a choice because that's what darkness did; it destroyed all signs of light and hope. She was corrupted.
"I won't ever give up in rescuing you, Emma," he told her straightforwardly. She had no doubt in her mind that he would ever stop fighting for her back. She didn't want him to. She was gone.
"Well, you really should. You're fighting for a lost cause because I don't and won't ever love you," she said as she disappeared into a black smoke taking her back to wherever she came. She felt tears running down her cheek as the lie ate away at her heart. She didn't know what was worse the Dark One's curse or her lie to the man she really did love.