Disclaimer: I do not own any person(s) in this story. This story is based on untrue, non-historical facts in beyond fictional settings. Everyone and everything is open to mockery, and if you can't handle that, advance no further.
Notes: This story can be loosely categorized as: comedy, romance, AU - fit more funny stuff in there. Go ahead, do it.
Things you won't find in this story:
1. Yaoi
2. Yuri
3. Facts
4. Reality
5. Sanity
Another boring night of falling asleep in front of a movie was all that awaited you. There was nothing you really wanted to watch, and in the midst of your channel surfing, you happened across an old favorite, The Princess Bride, and settled back to watch it. Your hand sought, and eventually found, another tiny chocolate from the nearly empty pink box beside you. You laughed softly to yourself and got more comfortable as the candy melted slowly in your mouth.
"I am the dread Pirate Byou! All of you are my prisoners!" A rather diminutive figure was shouting and gesturing broadly with an enormous sword from the deck of the ship opposite yours. You weren't sure why you were on a ship, or how you'd gotten there, but you were about to be boarded and taken captive, so none of that really seemed to matter anyway. Your small hands clasped the wooden rail tightly, and your corset prevented you from getting a deep enough breath to keep everything from spinning.
Grappling hooks swung overhead and pirates landed all around you. One whose face was partially obscured by a very dirty bandana grabbed your arm and smiled at another one. "The cap'n will be wanting this one, sure enough."
"Off with ye then, Rui." The dark haired one chuckled at you, winked, and then dashed off into the screaming, frenzied crowd of the other passengers on deck. You didn't even have time to think again before 'Rui' tossed you over his shoulder, smacked your bottom, and leaped gracefully over to the deck of the pirate ship.
"Cap'n Byou, spoils for ye, sir." The captain turned and looked you over with a leering grin, leaning closer to you as he inspected you head to toe, but you were in shock. Captain Byou? But this was RUKI staring at you like a starving man in the desert. And Rui looked an awful lot like Reita, his friend like Aoi.
"You're not Byou!" You began hotly, winding up for what was sure to be an epic explosion. "You're Ruki!"
"Lass," he growled as he slapped a hand tightly across your mouth. So tightly, in fact, you were sure you couldn't even breathe if you tried. "You're aboard the Screwed now, I AM Pirate Byou, and 'screwed' is what you indeed are. Especially if you can't keep that overly large mouth of yours shut."
You decided that perhaps it was best to do as he said until you had a clearer grasp of exactly what was going on. It felt like hours, but was only minutes before the last pirates boarded the Screwed, only the dark haired one with another prisoner in tow. All of the rest of the people on your ship had been killed or left to die on the slowly sinking wreck.
"Ah Kazuki, ye know it's bad luck to bring aboard a redheaded wench!" Rui spat on the deck and scowled at the one you'd earlier pegged as Aoi. Apparently he was calling himself Kazuki. "Wenches are bad enough, and that one looks to be a handful."
"I like em feisty," was the only reply Kazuki bothered to give as he alternately dragged and shoved his captive along, and she was certainly not going quietly. When she bit him, he yanked her head back by her hair and growled at her before turning his attention back to his shipmate. "I like em feisty like you like em fat."
"A woman should have some meat on her bones. Better for hangin' on, and softer, too." Rui nodded, and picked at his teeth with a sliver of wood.
"No wonder no one ever takes us seriously," Captain Byou muttered so lowly you're sure you were the only one to hear it. "Away with ye, lads. Ready to make sail! We've business on the Nine of Alice."
Kazuki snorted and dragged off his prisoner, slamming a cabin door loudly behind him. Rui grumbled and climbed up into the rigging like a monkey on crack, and within moments the ship was underway, speeding across the open water so quickly you could hear the deck groaning and creaking.
"Is this piece of junk even going to make it anywhere?" You asked Captain Byou sarcastically as he none too gently tugged you through the same door Aoi had used earlier.
"Shut it, wench. The ship is fine. But you are aiming to walk the plank."
"This pirate shit is getting just a bit ridiculous." You huffed as Byou yanked open a door, shoved you into the room, and slammed it rudely behind you. "Oh, hello." You were not entirely surprised to see your fellow captive in the same room.
"Hey." she answered, still trying to see anything through the miniscule porthole window. "Can I ask you a stupid question?"
"Sure," you said, and shrugged lightly.
"Actually it's two. First, how in the hell did we get here, and second why are the Gazette guys pretending to be Screw?"
"Well…" you were thoughtful for a moment as you slumped onto the floor, heedless of your expensive and very pretty dress. "I don't know, to both. But I have a feeling we're going to find out all too soon."
"Yeah, and I'm not so sure we're going to like it. But oh well," Your friend flopped down beside you and rested her head on your shoulder. "I think I'm gonna take a nap until this damned boat stops."
You patted her head softly and were quickly lulled by the motion of the ship, drifting in and out of strange dreams in which Ruki and the real Byou fought each other with very large bananas that had hilts like swords, and kept yelling ridiculous things. They also kept changing hairstyles and makeup to mimic each other constantly.
It was the cold chill combined with the loss of movement that woke you several hours later. Your friend was gone, and the door to the cabin, or cell, or wherever the hell you were, stood wide open. Cautiously, you stuck your head out and peeked around the corner to see a beaming Kai with a tray in his hands and an apron on over his ridiculous pirate outfit.
"I brought you fooooood," he laughed cheerfully and thrust the tray at you.
"Have we stopped?" You asked as you took it from him, not too surprised to see French toast on the plate. Of course Kai, who was probably calling himself Jin, would be able to make French toast on a ship in the middle of an ocean somewhere. He was just that fucking amazing.
"Yes, we've reached our destination, the Nine of Alice. I'm sure Captain Byou meant to come get you earlier, but he gets sidetracked." He leaned closer and spoke to you behind his hand as if afraid someone would overhear him in the deserted hallway. "The captain is always late, you know."
"Of course," you answered sweetly and started nibbling on your toast as you followed him up the stairs and out onto the deck.
The ship was anchored at the top circle part of an enormous dock shaped like the number nine. You almost choked on your food trying to contain the laughter as Shou came walking up with a large stick in his hand, dressed in 'native' gear (aka a loincloth), complete with a bone in his hair and paint on his face and naked chest.
"Amalama riddikki homma. Welcome to the Nine of Alice, strangers." Shou made a face you were sure was meant to be scary, but it only made you want to laugh even more. And what the hell was that garbled crap he'd spouted at you before speaking English?
"Riddikki," Byou answered with a lazy drawl, waving one hand as he appeared, perfectly coiffed and dressed in Ruki's red velvet Cockroach outfit, complete with the overly large hat. "Take us to your leader and all that." With a grin he glanced back at you. "Rui, bring along my cupcake."
"Cupcake?" You were ready to kill him, or at the very least slap the smug smile off of his face. Who in the hell did that asshole think he was? Oh, that's right. He thought he was Byou.
Rui grabbed your arm, laughing softly, and you watched as Kazuki sauntered past with your friend tossed over his shoulder, a gag stuffed in her mouth and her ankles and wrists tied together. She looked furious, even through the mess of her long tangled hair.
There was little else to do but follow along, or let Reita/Rui drag you like a sack. As you got closer to the inland, many strange things began to appear. The houses looked like, well, like houses. Proper houses, not huts. So why on EARTH was Shou wearing that ridiculous outfit? Ahead of you he thumped his long stick self importantly and stopped in front of a pair of massive iron gates. One door had a butterfly on it, and the other a tiger.
"Open the gates!" Shou shouted loudly, and Hiroto darted out of an alcove in a tree, looking for all the world like a blonde chipmunk with his cheeks full of… something. The gates creaked open and your little procession continued on in silence. The perfectly manicured and maintained grounds nearly made you gasp with wonder. All the hedges and trees were cut into fanciful shapes, and there were exotic flowers everywhere. Here and there you could see men in gardeners' clothing working to maintain the perfection.
But you hadn't seen a single woman aside from yourself and your friend. That was what was so odd about this place, truly. It wasn't a thought you wanted to contemplate for long.
Two extremely large wooden doors loomed before you and creaked open slowly as Rui leaned close to you. "Personally, I think those doors mean these two are compensating for something, know what I mean?" He nudged you in the ribs with his elbow, laughing at his own joke, and you grunted in reply.
"Welcome, guests." Nao stood behind the doors smiling brightly with his head slightly tipped to one side. "We are honored to have the dread pirate Byou and his bold companions grace our lowly homeland."
"Yes, yes. And we are honored to be allowed into the presence of the Two of Nine." Byou smiled and bowed, but you personally thought it was the worst performance he'd ever given. He sounded bored out of his mind, and if he had a watch, you were sure he'd be staring at it.
"If you'll follow me..." Nao led the way down a long, long, extremely fucking long hallway done in varying shades of blue and purple on one side, and yellow and black stripes on the other. The overall effect was modestly nauseating, so you concentrated on the white marble tiles beneath your feet instead. More doors opened when you finally reached the end of the hallway, and you were led into what could only be described as a throne room. In front of you was a raised dais divided perfectly down the middle. On the purple half, Saga lounged sideways across a well cushioned throne topped with a magnificently jeweled butterfly. On the black side, Tora was standing on his throne with his back to you, polishing the long, sharp teeth on the snarling tiger atop it.
"Guests! Fabulous," Saga shouted, straightening slightly in his seat and clapping his hands gleefully.
"Indeed!" Added Tora, as he jumped down to the floor. "It's been far too long…"
"…since anyone came to see us." Saga finished for him. "What brings you…"
"…to the Nine of Alice?" Tora sat on his throne with a sigh, his eyes moving slowly over all of you.
Oh hell. You could see this business of finishing each other's sentences was going to get annoying. Fast. Apparently Byou agreed with you.
"Listen, must we carry on like this? Can't we do business with each of you speaking for yourselves? I get dizzy trying to discuss anything with the two of you."
"I'm afraid…"Tora began.
"…that's just not possible." Saga finished. "We are the Two of Nine…"
"The One in Two…" Tora wasn't even paying attention! He was sorting through various goodies on a tray held out to him by little chipmunk Hiroto. Man that dude must move fast to get around the way he did.
"…and this is how it must be." Saga tugged on a leash you only now noticed, and a very VERY girly looking Uruha appeared, with an extremely pouty look on his face. "Our last bargain…"
"…was very unsatisfactory, Byou." Tora admonished, waggling a finger back and forth like he was scolding a child.
Spreading his hands out before him in what was meant to be a helpless gesture, Byou grinned broadly. "You said pretty, you never specified that you wanted a female."
"Touché." Saga replied and handed the end of the leash to Hiroto who giggled almost maniacally. "Imagine our surprise…"
"…when we discovered what…"
"…had transpired." Saga glanced over at you, then his eyes moved to your friend whom Kazuki was now holding in front of himself. "That one will do." A hand waved laconically in your friend's direction as Saga's eyes bored into Byou's.
"She's not for sale," Kazuki growled lowly. "She's mine."
"Everything is for sale," Tora drawled between nibbles of some fruit or another he seemed to be really enjoying. "One must just know…"
"…the proper price." Saga stood and walked over to them, lifting your friend's face in his hand. "Name your price, Kazuki."
Byou swore under his breath and glanced over at Rui, who promptly shoved you behind him. Apparently you weren't for sale either. Your friend looked up at Saga and seethed around the gag in her mouth as Kazuki frowned even harder.
"Five million," he finally answered, rolling his shoulders back to stand straighter than before. Rui whistled under his breath and Tora dropped the fruit he'd been snacking on with a choking sound. Even Byou's eyes widened, but he grinned at Kazuki's audacity.
"Hmm…" Saga rubbed thoughtfully at his chin as he walked slowly back towards his throne. "Five million is…"
"…a very, VERY high price, Kazuki." Tora sounded like he was still choking.
"Nevertheless, it is my price. Take it or leave it."
"Perhaps we should…" As Saga spoke, Rui started backing up slowly.
"…discuss our other business…" By the time Tora chimed in, you were halfway back to the door, and Byou was nodding, one hand hanging low and making a shooing motion towards Rui.
"…while we consider it, don't you agree?" Saga clapped his hands twice and Nao directed several men who were carrying a large table, again shaped like a nine. Before you could see anything else, Rui pushed you through the doors and slammed them behind you, shaking his head.
"Ain't no woman worth five million," he said in a low voice.
"Dollars?" you asked quizzically, your head still spinning from what you'd just witnessed.
"What? No. What use is money when you're on the open sea all the time and can just take what you want? No. Kazuki wants five million heartbeats in trade for that woman." He shook his head again. "Just not worth it. The love of the fans is what makes us real. Without them, we wouldn't exist at all. The beats are good, the flutters are better…" Blinking, he quickly shut up, as if afraid he'd already said too much, but you were thoughtful.
Something was starting to click into place inside your head. It was as if you'd found a small piece of a very large key.
You were stuck out in the hallway with Reita/Rui . Somehow that didn't strike you as a good time. After several long moments of staring at the floor, you turned to say something to him but the sound of footsteps stopped you, and you felt your jaw drop.
"Hello again," Shou said softly with a giant, beaming, brilliant, toothy smile. A different Shou. This one was wearing a very expensive looking suit, with perfectly styled hair. "Is something wrong?" He seemed genuinely surprised by the look of bewildered shock on your face.
"At the dock…"
"Oh, right." He waved his hand and laughed softly, easing open the door to the throne room and slowly slipping inside. "I get so bored sometimes, always on the lookout for ships that never come…" And with that he was gone.
Hiroto darted past you again, and you scratched your head, slightly confused. Wasn't he in the throne room? Everything about this place was so strange! On the purple-blue side of the hallway there was a long, soft, overstuffed couch and you flopped onto it, ignoring Rui who trailed after you and then stood there tapping his foot and glancing up and down the hallway, but always moving his eyes right back to the door.
"Last time it took them three days to make a deal. I hope they go faster this time. This place gives me the creeps." He shivered and rubbed his hands over his arms, then resumed tunelessly humming and tapping his foot.
There was a very odd noise coming from the entrance and you sat up, peering towards the distant door, even squinting a little bit. When the source of the commotion came into view, you mentally groaned.
"Yomi-san! I heard you were killed." Rui laughed and slapped hands with the tiny man who grinned up at him like a shark from within a ridiculous fur coat, complete with a purple pimp hat with a zebra striped band. Just behind him and to the right stood Ruka, holding what could only be a pimp cane and a container of powder. He looked bored to death, and somehow that very normal RUKA expression on his face made you comfortable. Not everything in this strange place was completely upside down.
"Rui, my man. How they hangin'?" Great. Ghetto-fied Yomi. "Gotta get inside, yo. Where's Nao?" With a cocky little strut, Yomi headed for the door and reached his hand back. Without changing expression, Ruka powdered Yomi's hand then stuck his cane in it. With a satisfied smile, and a puff of dust, Yomi rapped smartly on the door.
"Little pigs, little pigs let me in."
The door slammed open, smashing into the wall so hard that flakes of yellow and black paint rained down onto the tiles, and a furious thundercloud of a Kazuki walked out. He didn't even glance at you, Yomi, Ruka, Rui, or anyone. Byou was right behind him, with the leashed Manabu/Uruha trailing after.
"BYOU" Manabu whined, twisting and wringing his hands like the little lost girl he resembled. "Get this thing off me! PLEASE."
"Patience, Manabu. Rui, bring along my cupcake. I want to get away from the Fame Monster as fast as we can." He glared at Yomi. "Trouble has a way of following him."
"I won't be knocking at your door any time, Byou. Your head is large enough already." You could tell by the way Yomi stressed the fake name that he knew the truth and found it amusing. What you weren't expecting was the lightning fast swing of the pimp cane at Byou's head. Byou himself, however, was expecting it, as he ducked at the perfect moment, and the cane didn't even clip his hat.
"Better luck next time, short shit," Byou drawled lazily as he nodded at Rui and sauntered off down the hallway, still tugging a whimpering Uruha (or was it Manabu? You no longer cared, honestly) after him. You let out a strangled shriek as you were unceremoniously picked up and tucked under Rui's arm.
"PUT! ME! DOWN! ASSHOLE!" Your feet were kicking, and your fists were flailing, but he only laughed at you, his grip secure. With a huff you let yourself go completely limp. No point in making things any easier for him. And then you thought for a moment. "Wait. HEY! Wait, Byou! Where's my friend?"
"Who?" Byou barely glanced back at you, and never even slowed down.
"My friend. The redhead! Where is she?"
"Oh, her. Yeah, Saga paid it."
Rui whistled long and low, shaking his head in disbelief.
"So you're just gonna leave her here?" You couldn't believe it. It was just too much to take in.
"The deal is done and almost no one is happy. That's how these things go," Byou replied with a shrug and walked on through the open front door. Kazuki must've slammed this one, too. "Kazuki set an impossible price and it was paid. I'm sure when he realizes he got the better deal, he'll come around."
"You… are a monster." You were livid, and helpless. Not the best combination in the world.
Byou stopped and stood there for a long moment. You bit your lip, wondering what was going to happen now, and then you noticed his shoulders shaking. He turned to look at you, still silently laughing.
"Are you finally figuring that out?" He glanced around, squinted into the setting sun, and then chuckled one final time. "Rui, run on ahead, drop off the cupcake, and tell Jin to prepare the evening meal. It's a beautiful night. We'll eat before we go."
Somewhere along the line they'd dropped the ridiculous pirate speak. You closed your eyes and willed yourself back to reality, but the motion of Rui running never changed, and when you opened your eyes again, you were being dropped on the floor of the same cabin as before.
"I'll be back for you when the captain says so." And with a wink, Rui slammed the door, leaving you in growing darkness, worrying over what was happening to your friend.
When the door creaked open again, what felt like an eternity later (but was actually only about 30 minutes) you wondered if the light would blind you. It was Jin who came to get you this time, and he shyly handed you a bundle of fabric.
"I thought you might like something clean to wear. I'll step out until you're changed." He closed the door softly and you held up the deep blue gown. It looked like it was only a little too long, but hey, that would be great for your captors. There was no way you could run in this.
With just a little too much effort you struggled out of the stained and torn dress you'd be wearing and shimmied into the clean one. Doing up the buttons on the back nearly turned you into a contortionist, and when you straightened, you realized just how low the neckline was. Basically if you took a deep breath, your girls were in danger of popping out to say HI to the bastard that called you his cupcake.
That wouldn't do.
You were about to put the ruined dress back on when the door slowly cracked open just a hair and a hand thrust inside holding another piece of fabric. "Just in case you wanted to cover up some. There's a chill in the air."
'Maybe Jin isn't so bad,' you thought as you took the long, thick shawl from him and draped it over yourself. All the while you were plotting ways to get your friend back. Hell, in this ridiculous place, maybe your craziest ideas were the ones that would work. Maybe Kazuki would help you. Then he'd have his girl and his price.
As you stepped out, you reconsidered the last idea unless you had no other choice. Your friend in Kazuki's hands might be just as bad as the things you were imagining happening to her right now.
"Let's go! The captain gets cranky if we leave him waiting for too long," Jin hissed and grabbed your hand, nearly dragging you after him in his haste. Cranky. Yes that word described 'the captain' perfectly.
Dinner turned out to be a massive affair, with each of the pirates you'd come to know and hate, nearly hate, almost like, pity, and plot partnering with, respectively. Byou was at the head of the table, of course, Rui to his right. Jin darted around filling plates, refilling glasses, and in general making sure everyone had what they needed, or he thought they needed. Manabu sat to the left, constantly glancing around and rubbing his neck, as if afraid the leash would magically reappear. And at the far end of the table, Kazuki brooded in silence nursing a purloined bottle of some deep red wine.
It was surreal, to say the least. Opposite the Screwed sat another ship - a long, sleek, black ship that looked as fast as the wind and had "G. B. B." written on the bow. That must be Yomi's ship. You couldn't help but idly wonder what G. B. B. stood for.
Apparently dinner was eaten in silence, and the little bits of food you tasted, as you darted what you thought were covert glances at Kazuki, were delicious.
"Jin," Byou said thoughtfully, a frown creasing his forehead and turning the corners of his mouth down almost comically. "I think our guest deserves a better seat, don't you? Manabu, move."
That was all it took for Manabu/Uruha ('bitch boy' you thought) to leap out of his chair and nearly run to yours as Jin took your arm and led you to the now vacant chair to Byou's left. Perfect. Fabulous. You definitely wanted him trying to sneak peeks down your non-existent neckline. Your hand tightened on the shawl, pulling it more closely around yourself.
"Much better," Byou nodded in satisfaction, then turned his attention back to his meal, though he kept glancing between you and Kazuki. Brooding, stormy looking Aoi/Kazuki (who fucking cares at this point?) never even seemed to notice. You had a hard time not giggling. Jealous, was he? That could work in your favor at some point, so you filed it away for later use.
"When did you want to leave, Captain?" Rui asked around a mouthful of food. "Tide will be going out soon."
"Always best to…" Whatever words of wisdom Byou had been ready to spout died as first his eyes widened, and then he started laughing. Hard. Yomi was fairly dancing towards you under a disco ball light on a stick he held over his head.
"We both got new pretties, eh Ruka?" Yomi giggled, paused to wink at you, bowed once in mockery to everyone else and then boarded his ship. Your eyes moved to Ruka and you gasped aloud. Trailing along behind him, held what looked to be rather gently by the hand, was your friend. She was looking up at him oddly, with a glazed and distant expression on her face.
"Hey wait!" You shouted as Kazuki jumped up from the table and started towards them, only to skid to a halt and start backpedalling when Ruka pulled out a gun and calmly rested it directly between Kazuki's eyes.
"Try me." His deep, dark voice made you shiver, and you had no doubt whatsoever that he would pull the trigger if Kazuki so much as sneezed. The guitarist slowly raised his hands and backed off, and you wondered why your friend just stood there calmly staring at nothing throughout the entire thing.
"No reason to worry." Yomi was suddenly standing beside you, practically murmuring in your ear. "Saga has this tea stuff that he makes with some sort of weird jellyfish venom. It's harmless, mostly. But your friend is on the trip of a lifetime right now, if you catch my meaning. She'll be alright though." He glanced around, grinned at Byou, and then stuck something small and cold down the front of your dress. "Save that for when you really need it, and remember that Ruka would never do anything to hurt your friend. I promise."
Backing away from you, he danced towards his ship again, following Ruka and your friend up the gangplank and singing "I am the Walrus, goo goo gajoob!" at the top of his lungs as the moorings were cast off and the ship pulled away.
It was exactly as fast as you thought it would be, and you watched it recede into the distance with a pang of regret. You had a deep gut feeling that you had to reunite with your friend if the two of you were ever going to get out of this place.
Whatever it was that Yomi had dropped into your cleavage shifted a little, and even though you were curious, you didn't want to draw attention to it until you were alone. But it felt like it was burning there. You paid attention to very little as dinner was cleaned up and Byou himself escorted you back into the ship.
To your surprise, you weren't taken to that first, bare cabin this time, but rather to a slightly smaller but furnished one with a huge set of locks on the door.
"Since the journey to Black Moraland is rather long, I thought you'd prefer something slightly more comfortable." He gave you his very best charming smile, which you had to admit was rather charming indeed, and backed slowly out the door. Black Moraland. It just screamed the Gazette.
You raided everything in the room until you found a pair of only slightly too large flannel pajamas with an incongruous panda print all over them. It was a relief to get out of that dress. A muffled 'thunk' drew your attention to the floor where you spotted Yomi's parting gift.
A small metal skeleton.
"Now what the hell am I gonna do with this?" you muttered to yourself, turning it over in your hands as you sat cross legged on the bed. Yawning, you tucked it back into your cleavage, the safest place for it, and settled back to sleep. It had been a long, draining, strange, and confusing day. Hell, maybe you'd wake up in your own bed.
TBC