Turn Around
I break away from him, staggering backwards, "Woah, woah." I blink, trying to clear my head. "I've um. I. Umm" I start trying to come up with a reason to leave, but i feel myself leaning towards him again so i say, "We can't. We can't do this." Barney utters something, as if to protest. "This can't happen. I, I, I've got to go."
I turn and start to walk away. And i am thinking what the hell was that? My heart is pounding as i think did that mean anything? Of course it didn't. It can't. I had to much to drink. I am not thinking straight.
But then, by some strange miracle, i stop thinking. And i stop walking. My hands are hanging limply at my side, numb from holding him again, from touching him again. My lips are tingling and it isn't because it is cold out. I take a deep breath, and turn around.
There he is, walking down the sidewalk in the opposite direction. His feet drag behind him, adding to his already lopsided posture. I try not to let it kill me that he looks so pathetic. And because i am done thinking, my mouth flies open and words just spill out.
"Barney!" I hear myself shout. It comes out louder than expected.
He stops. I still can't see his face.
I start to move towards him. It is almost like something out of a movie. I get to be a few feet behind him and i whisper his name again "Barney."
The deadly silence that follows torchers me. I wonder why i haven't done this sooner. Why is he always the one putting himself on the line? Why don't I ever put myself on the line? And I feel so torn. Because there is part of me that is like run! Save yourself. This is a bad idea! And you know it. And then another part of me is like Take the freaking leap for once in your life.
"Turn around." I plead.
Fear swells in me as he, with his head drooping and his hands in his pockets, turns around. I try to look into his eyes but they are aimed towards the ground so i flounder.
What now? Do i tell him to look at me? And then i catch myself thinking What would Barney do? He would just grab me and kiss me without hesitation. He did grab me and kiss me without hesitation just minutes ago. But i am not like him. I am not spontaneous or fearless or passionate or-
But then i do the fearless thing. I take a step forward, and softly whisper "Look at me please." in the strongest voice i can muster.
And his eyes raise and they are blue and hurt and my heart is soaring and breaking at the same time.
I take another step closer, praying that he won't back away. And there i am, suddenly inches away from what i didn't know i wanted until now, inches away from the happy ending that i never dreamed of but that i long for at this moment.
And this time, i make the first move. It is weird being the initiator of a kiss. The build up takes the longest, and is the most nerve wracking. You can't really guarantee whether or not the other person is going to respond in the way you want them to. You don't even fully know how you want them to respond. But you take a deep breath, and lean in. It felt like it was taking an hour to get my lips to finally touch his.
But then BLAM our lips are intertwined, and there is no turning back now. Not that i wanted to turn back. And then he kissed back. I could feel his hand curling around my back and up onto the nape of my neck. And it felt so right. And nobody pulled away.
And that is what should have happened. But instead of stopping and turning around and walking towards him and kissing him, I quicken my pace. And when i finally turn around, there is no one there to run towards. Because i am blocks away from that spot where we kissed. Blocks away from what might have been my only chance to have what i never thought i wanted.