AN: I don't hate Ron, my character is just highly biased and prone to exaggeration.
This is it. After eight years of preparation. The time has finally come. I run to the gates of the castle and steel my nerves for what is to come. It's okay. I tell myself. After tonight, I can finally put my plan into action.
I just had to survive the siege of Death Eaters on Hogwarts and save a life. No big deal. I had schemed, planned, and plotted for years just for this very night. And I would succeed.
I was going to get Fred and Hermione to live Happily Ever After.
That's right, I had read the Harry Potter series when I still lived in what I thought was an all-muggle world. One day, I stumbled upon Diagon Alley and everything changed. The world of fantasy was suddenly all-too real, and I knew what needed to be done. As soon as I got my Hogwarts letter I started planning how I would create the perfect ending to my beloved story. The epilogue in the books couldn't possibly be true because I knew that Hermione belonged with Fred and Ron was an idiot. I got myself sorted into Ravenclaw and avoided all characters I recognized in order to keep the plot as predictable as possible, which was pretty easy as I was a year above the Golden Trio (except for Cho Chang in my dorm, but she was an uppity bitch).
Now the time has come. Tonight I was going to save Fred, and somehow cockblock Ron and Hermione's kiss in the Chamber. But first I needed to find the red-headed twin. I had gotten pretty good at distinguishing Fred from George through careful study over the years, but I also knew that he would be with his brother Percy, a prefect that was three years above me. I had searched the entirety of the entrance when the fighting started. I continued to run around and stunned a few assholes in masks along the way. It was frightening as hell, but I made sure to train for this very battle in my eight years of preparation.
Boom! I managed to dodge a stay curse coming from a large gathering of dueling wizards. It was then that I spotted the red hair. Of course he'd be right in the thick of things, I thought frustratedly. I ducked behind a statue in hopes of remaining hidden while I concentrated on getting perfect timing. When the older brother made a quip about his job or something, I knew it was time. I stepped out from behind the statue and raised my wand. Accio Fred Weasley.
"You're joking Per-woah!" Boom! And Fred was just missed by the curse and the explosion of the wall just after.
Success!
But then I noticed a new problem. I now had a grown-ass man hurtling towards me and picking up speed. Shit.
I think I hit my head on the floor when he crashed into me because I don't remember falling over and it hurt like hell. All the air in my lungs was suddenly vanished. I tried to breathe but everything hurt and I had a heavy-ass person lying on me. I open my eyes to glare and am met with the shocked baby-blues of Fred Weasley.
"I'm flattered, but you'll have to buy me dinner before we go any further," he says as he rolls off to my side and I try to obtain some sweet, sweet oxygen. Really? I'm literally dying and this bitch makes a joke? Ungrateful little shit. The things I do for people I've never talked to before. I deserve a prize.
"Fred!" screamed the brother frantically, probably thinking he was buried in the rubble. "Fred!"
"Here," yells the boy beside me, getting up to rejoin his sibling. He briefly turns back to me, still curled up on the floor with a pounding head and relearning how to breathe, and says, "Thanks." And runs away.
I don't remember much of the rest of the battle. I think I stunned two or three more Death Eaters as I stumbled back to the Great Hall, and by then the fighting had stopped. Madame Pomphrey was busy with more serious cases, so I sat with my head between my knees until we were all called out for the final showdown. We stood as a unified group at the entrance and before the Death Eaters arrived I caught my first glimpse of Ron and Hermione since the battle started. They were holding hands, fingers intertwined.
FOILED!
I wanted to go up and shake her. Dammit Hermione! I can't be in two places at once!
…
Fastforward. The boy-who-lived lives, blah, blah, Voldemort dies by technicality, and the Weasley twins set off fireworks, which was slightly different than I remember. As the days go by, things begin to settle down.
I go back to my job at the apothecary. It was a temporary job before, just to make a few galleons before I knew I'd be forced into hiding, but now I knew I'd need some free time to bloom into the matchmaker I was always meant to be. I also really liked it there. My dream was to eventually invent the next big potion and roll in gold, but until then, I'd just create potions that would help me with everyday things. Not that I was bad at charms and transfiguration. I was good at the useful, everyday spells (why do things the muggle way ever again?) and in true Ravenclaw fashion, I got N.E.W.T.S. in Potions, Charms, Transfiguration, and (just barely) DADA and Arithmancy. Maybe I'd get a real job once Fremione were happily married and not naming their kids weird things like Albus Severus.
First order of business, get Hermione to realize that Ron is not right for her. As my skill was potions, I knew my just the thing for it. Over the years, my dislike for Ronald Weasley grew to disgust as I watched him eat like a pig and shout insensitive bullshit at his friends. I knew if his true self was revealed, a smart girl like Hermione would not stay with him. If I could slip a minor truth serum into his drink, he would do the rest. I spent the next few days brewing until I perfected my recipe for a truth serum (not strong enough to be illegal like veritaserum) that loosens the tongue and lowers inhibitions (almost like being drunk without the other side effects).
Now I just needed access to Ron's drink. I knew I could never get passed the fans if I waited for the gang to eat somewhere public like the Leaky Cauldron, so I needed to get myself invited to a meal with Hermione and Ron. As I had never talked to them, it would be difficult.
The idea came to me while I was brewing some amortentia for fun and challenge the next day (love was on my mind and I also liked how it made the room smell of honeysuckle and unicorn horn dust over a low flame). I saved the life of a Weasley! Any decent person would invite me to meet their family after that! I put on a Ravenclaw-blue jumper similar to the one I wore during the Battle of Hogwarts and I was off to Weasley's Wizard Wheezes.
I apparated to Diagon Alley right after work and approached the shop that had become even more eye-catching than ever. My plan was to wander the shop until I was approached by a twin. Remind him of my heroic deed if necessary, and make him think it was his idea to invite me to a family gathering. Should I gush about meeting Harry or Ron? No, definitely Hermione. Wingwoman and infiltrator all at once. I'm amazing.
I walked into the store and am astounded by how busy they are. Would I have to buy something in order to talk to someone? No, a girl was working the register, Verily or something. I continued with my original plan and walked around the store, admiring the more clever charmwork and creative potion usages. My startled squeal when a hand clamped on my shoulder was drowned out in the overall loudness of the shop, but that didn't stop George Weasley from laughing at my expression of terror when I jumped around in surprise.
"What brings you in today?" he asked gleefully. Shoot! The one question I didn't prepare for!
"Uhh...just looking around?" I responded cleverly.
"We went to Hogwarts together, right? What was your name again?" He looks at me expectantly, like I'm about to impart some great wisdom. I wondered about his motive.
"Yeah we did. I was a year below you. I'm Emma, uh, Emma Barkhome."
"That's right!" he exclaims, "The Ravenclaw that always stared but would run away if you tried to speak to her!"
Rude! It was research to save your twin's dumb ass. You didn't have to point it out.
"I, uh, was going through an awkward phase." I managed to get out through the embarrassment. I could tell he was trying not to laugh even more at me, and just when I thought couldn't get any worse, he continued, "Fred told me you finally confessed to him during the battle." That was it.
"What?!" I exploded, "I was saving that dumb shit from a curse! Why the hell would he say something like that?"
"You mean we're not in love, Barkhome?" said Fred, suddenly behind me. What does he think he is, just appearing like that? A wizard? "I thought what we had was special."
I ignored his bullshit and decided to just proceed with the plan, but all the anger and embarrassment caused my rehearsed words to fly out the nearest window like an owl. "Hi...How are you?" I tried to move the topic away from me at least.
"Well," he contemplated, "I haven't almost been crushed by any walls, but I also haven't fallen over any pretty ladies either, so mostly average I'd say."
Red Alert! Abort. "Ha...ha," I laughed off any talk of pretty ladies other than Hermione and looked to the side for inspiration. "So, ah, what potions are in these Wonder Witch products?" Of course! I could talk about potions until the conversation naturally took to Hermione. Brilliant!
We did talk about potions for a while, but he refused to tell me the ingredients in their original creations ("If I told you, I'd have to kill you, Barky."). But the conversation never turned to Hermione. It was like he wasn't in love with her and she wasn't constantly on his mind! Ugh. Some people are so dense.
George eventually came back and told Fred to get back to work.
"Emma," Fred turned to me, "I think we should take our relationship to the next level. Come to the Burrow tonight and meet my parents." That was easy. But I did wish that he would drop this joke though. It was getting old, and I didn't want it to give Hermione the wrong idea. Hermione!
"Will Hermione be there?" I asked.
"Uh, probably, why?" He seemed confused by my question, but I knew that inside he probably had butterflies from hearing her name.
"For the intelligent conversation," I said, playing the perfect wingwoman.
"Ha, funny Bark. Let's meet here at the shop at five-thirty. We can side-along or floo, whatever you prefer. See you then!" And with that, he disappeared back into the crowd. I would have preferred more Hermione complements in our conversation, but my job here was done. I apparated home and grabbed a vial of truth serum.
When I got back to Diagon Alley, I some extra time, so I wandered around and visited the apothecary in Knockturn Alley for some rarer ingredients. I got a bit distracted so it was a little past five-thirty when I arrived and Fred was waiting outside.
"George was starving so he already left. Are you ready to go?" I nodded and he asked if side-along apparition was okay with me. I agreed even though I always found it to be a terrible experience. He took my arm and after one uncomfortable moment we were in front of the Burrow. Fred walked right through the front door and I followed behind. We were met with the sight of what was probably fifteen people sitting and eating at an obviously magically enlarged table. A woman who was obviously Mrs. Weasley rose to greet us.
"Fred, dear you're late. And who is this?"
"Mum, this is my wonderful, beau-" he cut off suddenly because I could tell where he was going and elbowed him in the gut. "This is Emma. She saved my ar- my life during the battle. We met again today and I invited her over." Mrs. Weasley was already hugging me before he was finished. She said I was very welcome and ushered me to a seat exclaiming how I was "skin and bones."
The seat to the left of Ron was empty. Probably because of his nasty eating habits, but it was good for my plan, so I sat there. On Ron's right was Hermione, and Harry sat across from Ron with Ginny. Fred claimed the seat across from me.
I was forced to relive the crash into Fred as he told the story (and I corrected him) before the conversation eventually moved to Harry's godson, Teddy. Since I had nothing to say on the subject, I could enjoy the rare, home-cooked meal. I had just finished some delicious mashed potatoes when the topic shifted to the superiority of the Griffindor house, and I belatedly realized that almost everyone at the table apart from Fluer Delacor was a former Gryffindor. I felt honor-bound to defend my house.
"Ravenclaw is very accepting too. I never wanted to be anywhere else." I chimed in, and was immediately shot down by Ron.
"Yeah, if you're a bookworm that doesn't know how to have any fun," he said around a mouthful of food. Prick! I wished the vial that I carried was filled with poison instead! I have no guilt about spiking his drink now! With that thought I calmed somewhat and waited for a distraction. The time came when Charlie at the other end of the table started talking about dragons. I pretended to reach across Ron (which is normally rude, but it was Ron and served my purpose) to grab more mashed potatoes. I emptied the vial into Ron's drink as I passed. I took longer to pour than I would have liked because I was still angry and wanted to empty every last drop, but I eventually sat back in my chair successfully.
The night went on and I knew my potion was working when Ron blurted out his habit of the same underwear for days on end. Gross. How is that even possible? His mom or house elves have done his washing for him all his life! I needed to get Ron and Hermione to talk about their relationship, so I asked loudly across the table, "So, are you seeing anyone?" But to whom do I direct my question? Shit. I was running out of time as I had already said it and needed to make eye contact with someone. Not Harry, that'd be coming onto a guy younger than me with a girlfriend. Who was on my other side? Damn, the obviously married Bill.
My eyes met Fred's.
Grr.. Maybe it will be a good thing and Hermione will pay attention? The table seems to quiet around us and I could tell people were listening. This is embarrassing. I should have gone with something else. Fred laughs.
"I think you would know, Emma." What does that even mean? I guess it made sense that he wouldn't have flirted with me, even jokingly, if he had a girlfriend, and she would be here instead of me, but why was he making fun of me? It's not like I would already know because I was stalking him. I just knew that his heart already belonged to Hermione. "I'm single. Feel free to fall into my arms!"
This short embarrassment was worth it because just like I obviously planned, then came Ron's shining moment. Speaking loudly like the attention seeker he was, he said, "Really Fred? The weird Ravenclaw? You could do better after Angelina. She doesn't even have a rack to make up for her personality like Hermione." He turns to his girlfriend, "'Mione, you actually have a really nice body." My mouth actually dropped open in shock.
"Come on Ron, we need to go home to feed Crookshanks," Hermione quickly cut in. Ron agreed easily, which going by Hermione's embarrassed, but slightly pleased and surprised expression, was something that he normally would have complained about. Dang it, the potion must have also made him highly suggestible. I'd have to look into that.
I also did not miss the slight flush on Hermione's face. This was not as planned. Ron must be an even worse boyfriend than I thought. He must never compliment her if an offensive, sexist, half-compliment made her blush. I didn't blame her though, if Ron was that bad of a boyfriend she must be starved for attention. I really hope though she was just embarrassed about his behavior. She didn't look mad...
FOILED! By Ron's piggishness and my own potion.
I got up to leave. Even though I was distracted by the following events, Ron's words did hurt, and the night being a failure did not help. I had nothing else to do there. I just made it out of the kitchen before Fred caught up to me.
"I swear, next time I see that git," he was muttering. He caught my arm and stopped my grand escape. "Hey, don't listen to him. He just has a mouth on him 'sall, and he's too dumb to understand anything that comes out of it." While understanding that this attitude was good for his sake, as he would have to steal Hermione from his own brother, I didn't want him to make a big deal out of my feelings.
"It's not a problem, just kind of a shock. I'm not upset."
"Could that be because you already took your revenge? I didn't miss you pouring something into his drink." I was speechless. No! I thought I was a freakin ninja! Fred stared me down and I could not come up with a lie. "What was it?"
With no lies, I was left with the truth, "It's a potion that loosens the tongue and lowers inhibitions, and it seems to also make the drinker suggestible, but I haven't tested that part yet." He looked at me for a long moment, and I was sure that he would soon pull out his wand and accuse me of being a Death Eater, or worse, someone from the Daily Prophet. Then he started laughing.
"Well, Bark, I never took you to be one to prank people. Trying to impress me?"
"No!" I exclaimed, flustered. I decided to explain with partial truths. "He just made me angry with the Ravenclaw comment, and well, I needed an unknowing test subject…"
He suddenly looked thoughtful. "The execution was amateur, but the idea is actually quite clever. Where did you get this potion?"
"I created it. I was kind of going for the honesty of a drunk without the other effects. Do you think anyone else saw me?"
"I doubt it. I didn't really believe at first that the potion had anything to do with what he said. Ron being a git isn't actually anything new. My family won't suspect anything was different about him. He'll just be in for it with Mum whenever he next shows his face around here. He led me to the living room. "How would you feel about selling your recipe to me? You can come and perfect it at the workshop, and work with us to incorporate it into a product. Do you think you could make it so it doesn't have to be ingested?"
We sat on a couch and talked about possible uses for my potion. I was so happy. It was perfect. This would be my first sold recipe and first step toward my goal of being a famous potion inventor, and it was my IN to continue matchmaking! We were joined by George when we went back to the table for dessert and by the time I got home, quite late, that night, I had forgotten everything that Ron had said about me.
…
I started visiting the twins' shop in the evenings after work and after they closed to work on my potion. It was a lot of fun. Fred and George were a hoot to be around and I got to work on my hobby with the promise of a fat paycheck when it was complete.
I was forced to interact with Ron on the second evening. Hermione brought him over to apologize, and after he mumbled out a shitty apology, I tried to strike up a conversation about quidditch, something I really enjoyed but was never able to play at school because of all the named characters involved, to distract him and give Hermione and Fred a chance to speak privately. Ron ended up just going on about the Chudley Cannons (a losing team no one cares about). There better be a mischievous bushy-haired child named after me for everything I do for these two.
After a week of no progress on the matchmaking side of things, I decided desperate measures needed to be taken. I took some polyjuice potion from my personal supply (What? I make difficult potions for fun. Of course I'd have something as simple as polyjuice potion). I grabbed both Hermione and Fred hair at my next visit to the Burrow.
Side note: Never accio someone's hair from a place that they frequent. One word: gross. Good thing I did Hermione first and not Fred.
I figured that if Hermione went up to Fred and showed she was interested, he would realize his deep feelings for her, and if I knew anything about Fred Weasley, it was that he went for what he wanted. He dropped out of school to fulfill his dream. That's serious business to a Ravenclaw.
I arrived half an hour before I usually did and sipped just enough of Hermione-polyjuice to last twenty minutes. The taste wasn't disgusting, just unappealing, like accidentally drinking from your inkwell (you'd be surprised what you'll do under sleep deprivation during exams). I transfigured my robes into something Hermione-like, but then made some adjustments to flatter her figure. This girl had some gifts; she needed to use them.
I sauntered into the front as usual, but then decided that wasn't right and briskly walked in with purpose. The shop was almost to closing and there was little activity. I marched up to George at the register and demanded, "I need to speak to Fred."
George gave me a perplexed look. Maybe I should have opened with 'hello.'
"He's in the back room, through that door." Whatever it worked. As I headed for the gaudy orange door that an idiot couldn't miss, I thought I heard George mutter, "How'd she know it was me?" groping at his new prosthetic ear. I stepped into the back room and closed the door behind me. Fred had his back turned, organizing supplies with his wand.
"Fred," I started. Shit, what next? I read up on this. Those romance novels were strictly for research I tell you!
Fred turned to me. "Hey Hermione, what are you doing here?"
I went with the obvious: "I'm here to see you."
"Sure, just let me put this last box away." He finished levitating the box to a top shelf. "What can I do for you?"
I hesitated, 'Marry me?' No, too forward.
"I'm not in trouble am I?" he said, obviously trying to break the silence I created.
Okay. It was time to put on my big-girl panties and flirt like a grown-ass woman. I smiled and walked toward him. "Should you be?" I ask, "Have you been naughty?" Ew, I hate that word. I tried not to let it show on Hermione's face. Luckily, Fred seemed too shocked with my words to notice my own discomfort. I got up in his space and touched his arm. "Do I need to punish you?" I ended up whispering in his ear. He was rigid and was silent for several moments.
"Hermione, I, uh...what?" Holy crap, he was speechless! This was probably his ultimate fantasy. Nailed it!
Time for the finishing blow: "I'm in love with you. Let's elope."
Fred was still voiceless and I was reveling in my success when there was a commotion outside. I noticed an extendable ear under the door. Well damn. George heard the whole thing. That's when I heard Ron's dumb fucking voice. As they got closer I was able to identify a third person, Hermione. Fuck.
I dove behind some boxes just as the door opened. I vaguely heard George say something about how the couple had come to inform the twins about the family dinner that night. Couldn't they have flooed? I began to change back right at that moment. Curse anti-apparition wards! I'll never be able to escape with all of them standing there!
I resigned myself to my fate as Ron and Hermione left soon after. I could only offer a sheepish smile as Fred and George peeked over the pile of boxes to see me lying on the ground.
George roared with laughter. "Merlin Emma!" Fred exclaimed, "You scared me half to death!"
"Right," I went along with it, "got you!"
FOILED!
George kept laughing and eventually Fred could not keep from smiling as well. "Brilliant though. Inspiring even. We might just have to keep you on full time, as we seem to have a positive influence on you," Fred said, finally giving into the chuckles. "Let's make sure it's George that's the target next time, got it?"
"Wouldn't that be a negative influence then, Fred?" Interjected George, and as they debated my "new-found pranking habits," I transfigured my clothes back to normal and started working on my adjusted truth potion. It was coming along well.
As, I chopped up some ingredients, I thought about what happened earlier. Even though he didn't show it, Fred must have been devastated to find out it wasn't actually Hermione. Poor Fred. I feel bad for hurting him, but I'd just have to make it up to him by getting them together. I needed to get invited to the family dinner that night. I still had Fred's hair, and this time it would be the real Hermione.
I considered this plan for a bit. Amortentia, as the most powerful love potion in the world, was pretty serious. Maybe these were real people with real feelings, and Fred and Hermione weren't in love because they just didn't spend time together…
Nah, I read all the books so I obviously have an elevated perspective. Fremione was meant to be. This was magical London for Merlin's sake. Love conquers all!
All I had to do to get invited to the Burrow was ask Fred about what Ron and Hermione wanted when they visited. He seemed to think I was wondering about the cause of my failed "prank" and I didn't correct him. He explained that his father got a promotion and the family was celebrating. This was all it took for him to invite me. This kid took me everywhere nowadays, like there were still Death Eaters lurking about from whom I'd have to save him.
I grabbed a vial of amortentia that I luckily had lying around due to my hobby and a strand of Fred's hair before meeting Fred back at the shop. Amortentia usually doesn't specify a target with hair, but this isn't a problem for a potions mistress. I didn't know why we still had to side-along since I'd already been to the Burrow and it wasn't heavily warded anymore. Fred always set a meeting time anyway and I endured the nauseating experience of side-along in order to feel less like an interloper at his house. I stayed strong with the thought that I would be very welcome when I was the godmother of several Fremione children.
I did not make the rookie mistake I had made before and I offered to help Mrs. Weasley distribute plates and silverware to the overly large table. She was very grateful. Some guests had already seated themselves at the table before dinner due to the lack of room in the house. Luckily for me, Hermione was one of those practical people. I smeared an unnoticeable layer of Fred-flavored amortentia onto her dish and glass before levitating all the pieces to the table. The amount of amortentia was not enough to cause deep obsession for an extended period, but the gentle push will be all that a love as deep as Fred and Hermione's will need.
Dinner was delicious as always. I made sure to sit close to Hermione to give Fred an excuse to do the same. After dinner did not go as well as I planned. Hermione, instead of going straight for Fred, scooped up Crookshanks and showered that cat in love. She did not once even glance at Fred. Damn it! There's no way that I had messed up the potion! It must have been the hair! After accio-ing Hermione's hair and being attacked by a frizzy hoard, I discretely plucked a strand from Fred's jumper. A strand I now realized looks very similar to Hermione's pet's fur.
FOILED AGAIN! BY HERMIONE'S TENDENCY TO DRINK CAT HAIR!
Luckily Hermione only received a few strange looks and a single insensitive comment from Ron before they left. I was in a foul mood until I talked again to Fred that evening. His jokes about Hermione's behavior and my third successful "prank" (DAMNIT!) made me laugh through my disappointment. How did he even notice that I had spiked her utensils? I thought when Fred dropped me off at home. He must notice everything going on around Hermione as he secretly watches his forbidden love! My determination is renewed. Maybe create a potion that "accidentally" traps the two together! Something like that could even be sold at the joke shop afterwards! I would name it The Fremione Solution! Or maybe, However many minutes it takes to get them together in Heaven. I'd workshop the name after it was created.
The next day I arrived bright and early to the shop full of new ideas (I flooed in sick to work – pixie flu). The potion that I gave Ron was almost shelf-ready, so I was sure that the twins wouldn't mind me using their workshop if I present my potion as a prank idea. I could have an accident with it when next Hermione came! Fred is so lucky to have me as his friend. George will obviously be best man at Fred and Hermione's wedding, but we've grown rather close recently, so I'll probably make it into the wedding somehow. I can reveal all of my matchmaking schemes in my speech at the reception!
"I'm here to make your dreams come true, Bark," said Fred from the workshop door sometime after I started working. I turned to him.
"My potion is on the shelves and you're here to sign for the rights?" I asked excitedly.
"Not yet – "
"Are you dating someone?" I guessed again. He scrunched up his nose and took a moment to respond. He must be baffled that I guessed correctly!
"Uh, I'm about to?" He says. I wait expectedly. "But you have to help me out with this one." Of course he's noticed my matchmaking powers. He notices everything. "Shouldn't be too hard for you, what with how you fancied me all through school."
This shit again? The fuck? It was research to save the wanker's life! "I've finally accepted your offer. So we're going on a date."
… Will Hermione be there? No wait, what?
…
FOILED AGAIN! Foiled by my own charms?