Disclaimer: not mine!

notes: to falling for the unobtainable, and loving the wrong person.

LET'S EXCHANGE THE EXPERIENCE

Ever been in love? Horrible isn't it.

Ring. Ring.

"Sakura!"

"Sasuke, it is four in the morning, you'd better be dying."

"Don't be like that Sak, I just wanted to talk . . ."

"You never want to talk, what do you want?"

"That's not true! I enjoy talking to you. But now that you mention it, I need help."

"You are so drunk, I can practically smell the fumes through my phone! What have you done now? Or would it be more appropriate to ask who have you done now?"

"Sakura, you wound me!"

"Sasuke . . ."

"Fine, I went out, went back to someone's house, managed to escape, but I've lost my keys, so can I come to yours? I'm only around the corner."

"Sure. I'll see you in 10."

"Love you Sak."

". . . love you too Sasuke."

Ever since I was young, I've liked order. My teddies and toys were arranged in size order, I always went to bed at 7pm on the dot, and my clothes have always been arranged by type and then by colour. I have diaries full of lists: to do lists, things to buy, new years resolutions, 'Things to do Before I'm 30', and each is colour coded and highlighted when achieved.

I wouldn't go as far as to say I have OCD - I do have my moments where I throw caution to the wind - and I'm certainly not a clean-freak. I just like things the way I like them. I like things to happen how I plan them, when I want them to occur and I don't like to be surprised.

So falling in love with my best friend kinda disrupted my day.

This isn't a case of a pathetic school girl crush that has just developed into love over the years, it only dawned on me that I loved Sasuke about six months ago. I couldn't tell you the precise moment I fell in love with him, I don't think love really works like that, and anyone who has ever told you the exact moment they fell for someone is lying, or if it's your boyfriend telling you, he's trying to get in your pants. How can anyone remember or know for sure? Feelings don't suddenly appear, they develop without you even realising. Remembering the exact moment you fell for someone is romantic drivel.

But I digress.

In hindsight, I've always liked Sasuke as more then a friend. I'd been with my ex for a year and a half, but I never felt the same way about him as he did about me. It was one of those cases where I wished I could have loved him back, even a little bit, because Lee would never have let me down. But I just didn't, and you can't make yourself love someone. So I had to end it, and I felt terrible for crushing the poor guy.

It was only in the aftermath of my break up, when Sasuke did his best to take my mind off of it by watching re-runs of The OC with me, and bringing me ice cream and wine to cheer up, that I realised that he was what I was looking for; I'd never been in love with Lee because I was already in love with Sasuke.

After that I've just tried to live with it, figuring out how I can still be friends with Sasuke whilst being head of heels in love with him, despite the vulnerability and the anxiety and the goddamn butterflies and the jealousy and the hurt. Because fuck does unrequited love hurt.

Sasuke, Naruto, Sai and I have been friends since we were babies. Actually that's a lie, babies do not have friends, babies have mothers who are friends who force their babies to be friends by making them play together so they can fulfil their own fantasies of their babies being the best of friends, 'just like their mothers'.

If I'm honest, when I was really young I thought that Sasuke was mean and too quiet, Naruto was mean and too boisterous, and Sai was mean and just plain weird. But, luckily for our mother's, we learned to tolerate each other, and then figured out we actually liked each other. And so despite the separate friendship groups we've always maintained, at the centre of our lives was the four of us (I tried to get everyone to call us The Core Four, but only Sai seemed up for it; the other two never really liked The OC).

But my relationship with Sasuke was always different then it was with Naruto and Sai. I've always considered those two my brothers and nothing else, even when Naruto had that ridiculous crush on me for a while in secondary school.

Don't get me wrong, we've always been close, and Sasuke talks to me more than he ever talks to anyone else, but not in brotherly way. When we were seventeen we got ridiculously drunk at Naruto's birthday party, and lost our virginity to each other, thinking it was a good idea to get it out of the way with someone we were comfortable with. It went as well as first times go; it was only slightly awkward, it didn't hurt too badly and there were no 'fireworks'. It was over within two minutes from what I remember, which given my inebriated state, isn't very much.

But yeah, seeing each other naked usually stops you being able to consider someone your brother. We've never really mentioned that night since.

Losing your virginity to your best guy friend is a slight cliché, and was again definitely not on my list of Things to do Before I was Eighteen, (my list said I'd lose my virginity to Adam Brody, or at least someone who really, really looked like him), and so that threw me for a loop for a while, and my room was especially tidy that week to make up for it. But when I thought about it afterwards, I realised it only could have been Sasuke; despite how gorgeous he is, the idea of sleeping with Naruto gave me shivers and Sai- well, I always knew he was gay, even before he came out officially.

Sasuke's girlfriends and one-night stands have me to thank for his sexual prowess; after he had his test run with me, he's never really looked back. And worst of all, his girlfriends feel the need to tell me about their fabulous sex lives, as well as how difficult Sasuke is. The conversations usually go like this:

"Does he talk to you about me? But Sakura, why doesn't he text me? Why doesn't he tell me how he feels? Why is he such an emotionally void, cold bastard?"

And then for some reason they have to add how great he is in bed, to justify why they put up with being treated like this, as if I would judge them. (Ok, I secretly do, but come on girls, have some respect for yourself! How will you have a successful relationship with a man who ignores you unless he wants to stick his penis in you?)

If I think about it, what annoys me most, is that his girlfriend's love me. Ok, I don't hate it because I'm a people pleaser, and so I'm pretty easy to like, and I love when people like me. What bothers me is that they don't see me as a threat in any way. I know how ridiculous that sounds, but think about it: your best guy friend, who you see pretty much every day, who talks to you more than any other girl, and who constantly tells you they love you, but his girlfriend's don't see you as a threat to their relationship?

Yes. It's pretty obvious to everyone that Sasuke would never be interested in me, so I have no intention of telling him about this slight bout of insanity I'm currently struggling with.

I lay awake in bed waiting for Sasuke to knock on the door, like the mug I am, when I hear a knock at my window, before it is forced open and Sasuke climbs through, managing to land gracefully in the centre of my room, despite his alcohol consumption.

"And what is wrong with the front door?" I question, exasperated.

He's always had the odd idea that he's some kind of ninja, and my old bedroom window was often used as his entrance into my childhood home. Then it was understandable why he used my bedroom window at four in the morning, but when I've moved out, I see no need for his theatrics.

"Just feeling nostalgic," he smirks, and my stomach lurches in response. This is getting ridiculous, his smirk never used to have this effect on me.

"Well I'm 'just feeling' tired, so shut up now and let me sleep."

"Aww Sakura, I wanted to chat."

"Yep, I'm not in the mood to hear about your latest conquest. It's been six months and counting for me, so no need to rub it in Uchiha."

"Nothing really to tell about her, I couldn't wait to get out of there. I just wanted to know how you had been."

"Same as always. Now, sleep time."

I felt my mattress dip with his weight, and turned round, "what are you doing?"

"I'm not sleeping on the floor; I have to work in the morning. Come on Sak, you look like you need a hug."

"Wow, this really is my lucky day, I usually have to fake an orgasm before I get a hug in bed," I tease, hoping he can't feel how incredibly fast my heart is beating, "so, what was wrong with this one then?"

"Nothing wrong, she just isn't really what I'm looking for."

"They never are. You're far too fussy Sasuke."

And then he says that sentence; the one that makes a fuzzy feeling go all the way through my body, as if I'm about to fall off of a cliff, like every hair in my body is standing on edge, like hundreds of bugs are crawling around under my skin, and my hands feel numb. But not the good version of that feeling. The awful, gut-wrenching version that leaves tears in my eyes, tears I wish would disappear.

He says to me, "It would be so much easier if I could love you."

Yeah, it would I think, as my heart breaks – again - and I don't answer his question because I know it will come out in that thick voice you get when you are about to cry.

It's the way he says it, like loving me would be hard work, like it would never come naturally to him.

And as I lay in the darkness, with my best friend laying next to me, dreaming of some other, perfect, imaginary girl, and possibly mulling over how hard it would be to love me, I decide I'm going to move on, get over Sasuke.

Because, really. Falling for my best friend is the worst thing I have ever done.

Notes: So, I think England's annual four day summer is over. HELLO AGAIN RAIN!

Let me know what you think!

The title is from Kate Bush's Running up that Hill. I interpret it as her wanting to swap places, exchange experiences, so he can be in love with her, and her not care about him. Which I think relates to unrequited love.