And Kami said, "Let there be stupidity."
CH. 1((( I feel that a little explanation is in order. This fic is written three years ago in the days of, well I was forced to entertain myself in highschool English, due to the fact that our teacher seemed to think most of us incompetent. Sadly, most of the class was. I however, didn't need chapter 20 of "The Scarlet Letter" explained to me 3 times since I had actually read the book. Thus my pen met paper and the rest is history. Actually I wrote another fic in history class, but I digress. The story is based on several IM conversations I have had with a friend of mine named Piccolo Pixie, a rabid Namekseijin fan. She has an army of chibi-tachi (super deformed anime characters) who are obsessed with credit cards, poking people with sticks, and drinking. Her chibi of choice is Quatre. Spara is a Saiyajin who lives on Earth with a resurrected Zarbon in order to keep him out of trouble. She fails miserably. Anywho, we all know who Piccolo is and Zarbon…well we know Zarbon but Pix and I just assume he's had several massive head injuries and has little to no concept of right and wrong. ^_^ He is constantly dabbling in the mystical arts and claims to have once been apprenticed to Washu of the Tenchi Muyo! fame.)))
It was a slow day in Tenkai...
Kami sighed. None of the mortals were being very entertaining at the moment. Sure there were some of them off fighting wars for others who believed in their own righteous causes and were willing to condemn others for not believing in it as well but his was all old hat. He needed something new....
"Kami you look bored. Would you like some lemonade?"
"No thank you Popo. I'm just out of things to do. The humans have decided to go ahead and kill each other off with or without my help and that's all fine and dandy but I'm bored spit less!"
"Well why don't you do something that will get them riled up? Perhaps release another plague? Its been an awfully long time since you did something like that. Besides Enma Daiou has been on us about not being involved enough with the Humans."
"Oh he has, has he? What! Just because I let things go to shit for the past few centuries and he has to jump down my throat about it! Damnit I'm old! I should be sunning myself on a beach in Florida! But noooooo! I'm still here doing my job! And you'd think that the job of Kami would be one that people would jump at the chance to take! I offer it to that idiotic lout Son Goku and he sticks his tongue out at me! ME! KAMISAMA!!"
"If you want a replacement why don't you ask Piccolo?"
"Piccolo? PICCOLO!? That ungrateful whelp that my worse half just had to birth so he could throw my age back into my face! Well I'm sorry I'm not allowed to use my own damn Dragon! How's that for the final kick in the ass!? Yes, Lets see what Piccolo is up to! See if he's enjoying his freedom!"
Kami walked over to the edge of the tenkai bowl and peered over. "Ah there he is. Look Popo! He's meditating! HAH! That's what he tells people he's doing anyway. Meditating being code for taking a nap! And look.....that impetuous Pixie who is always never too far off......These are the people I should be tormenting. Not the whole world just these....Ahah! I have an idea Popo! One that should provide days of entertainment and possibly get me a replacement!!"
"Really Kami? How are you going to do that?"
Kami just grinned. "Oh you'll see Popo....you'll see....."
Kami raised his arms to the bright blue sky and looked down upon the glistening Earth that he alone had sworn to protect from enemy, be they spiritual or physical. He the Kami, whose very word was law.
"Let there be stupidity."
At that very moment on Earth……
Piccolo was levitating in midair next to a peaceful waterfall. On closer inspection it is obvious that he was in a state of meditation.
Suddenly his eyes flew open in alarm! He had sensed that someone was near. A tiny insignificant ki but a ki nonetheless. He tensed in anticipation of meeting the intruder who dared trespass upon his domain.
Closer and closer he sensed their approach, a bead of sweat formed on his brow and his fist clenched as ki began to flare around it.
Suddenly a little white bunny hopped into the clearing. Piccolo sweat dropped. -.-''
"A rabbit?! I got all worked up over a frikkin RABBIT!??!" He shouted.
He powered down and looked at the rabbit in disgust.
"Stupid rabbit. This is all Pixie's fault! Everywhere I turn there she is with that damnable camera forever flashing in my face and her evil little chibi tachi who make Mini-me look tame!
And now when I finally get some peace and quiet I can't even enjoy it because she has made me paranoid!" He shouted at the rabbit. The rabbit just continued to chew on a flower.
"I hate my life." he sighed and returned to his meditation, thankful that no one was around to see him make an ass of himself.
Pixie grinned. She had gotten the whole incident on tape!
"Heh heh heh...this is gold! Wait'll I show it at the next meeting!" she thought to herself gleefully. She heard some of her chibi tachi giggle. She turned and saw that they had discovered a rather large thorn bush and that they were now making new poking sticks out of its branches.
"Thorns? Very good chibi tachi! You guys are learning!"
"Good enough to get our Visa's back?" One of them asked.
"No....but good enough for a hug!" She said as she spread her arms wide.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" they all screamed as they turned and ran for their lives.
"Huh? What's their problem?" she wondered aloud.
"I'm their problem, AND YOURS!!!" A voice growled angrily behind her.
"Eep..." Pixie squeaked as the turned around to face a REALLY pissed off Piccolo.
Somewhere closer than one might expect, an evil plot is brewing.....
"Heh heh heh...." Zarbon sat in the kitchen stirring a huge pot full of a bubbling foul smelling liquid.
"Hmmm....now lets see....eye of newt? Check. Toe of frog? Check. Gill of fish? Check. Tongue of dog? Check. Good now I have everything!" He dumped the gross atrocities into the boiling vat of greenish muck.
"Eeeeeeeeeexelent..." He said as he rubbed his hands together evilly. "Well now that dinner is done I can get to work on that potion!"
He pulled out the pixie spell book, which he had stolen from Pixie and opened it up. He thumbed carefully through the book, scanning each page searching for an elixir that would cause a sufficient amount of mischief he was now well known for.
"Hmm.....Pepsi into gold? Nah. Thirty year sleeping curse? Nope. Multiple hair colors? No..... Isn't there anything good in this book!? Wait.....this one looks good......Instantaneous body switch through skin to skin contact. PERFECT!!! Now what do I need?" He quickly read through the ingredients.
"Hmm.....I think I have all of these...."He started digging around in the cabinets and found the various ingredient that the spell called for. He picked up the book again to check the list.
"Let's see.... I got the vinegar, the dog tongues, the clam dandruff, the redneck sweat, the moldy daisies, and the camel.....wait.....CRUD MONKEYS!!!!" He shouted as he hit himself in the head repeatedly with a spatula.
"Stupid stupid stupid!!!!" I think I used the last of the camel spit in dinner LAST night! Dammit! And where the hell am I supposed to get three hairs from the tail of a monkey!? Wait I know! Time for a trip to the zoo!!!" He laughed gleefully as he ran out the door.
Meanwhile, back at Piccolo's waterfall.....
Pixie laughed nervously.
"H-hi Piccy! What's up?"
Piccolo grinned evilly, picked Pixie up by her collar and hoisted her into the air.
"Well you are now," he sneered. "Now give me one good reason why I shouldn't just snap your neck and toss your body into that canyon over there." He nodded his head indicating the cavernous maw at the edge of the valley, most likely the result of a mis-fired ki blast.
Pixie gulped (which was an amazing feat since Piccolo was cutting off all of her oxygen) and desperately wracked her brain for an excuse to get herself out of this little predicament.
Suddenly she had a brilliant idea.
Stall.
"Awww, Piccy!" she said sweetly. "You wouldn't really kill me would you? Well not again any way...."
He grinned showing his fangs, grabbed her throat with his free hand, and began to squeeze.
"Urk! S-so maybe you would...."
"Damn right I would. Now I'm gonna give you to the count of five and if you don't give me a good reason, and I mean a REALLY good reason, then the next thing you will be doing is giving your regards to Enma Daiou. Got it?"
"Shitshitshit..." she thought to herself.
"One..."
"Uh...I'm cute?"
"Two..." He tightened his grip.
"URK! The world will be a horrible place without me?"
He smirked. "Not for me it won't. Three."
"Kami will be really pissed off if you kill me?" she asked hopefully.
"HAH!! Kami couldn't care less about you! Why do you think he's making you eat Zarbon's cooking?! Four."
"Well..." Pixies eyes widened in terror. "Oh shit Piccy! LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!!!!"
"Oh please! I'm not stupid enough to fall for tha-"
*SMACK*
A giant hairy ham-fist rammed Piccolo in the back of the head and he dropped like a sack of potatoes to the ground....right on top of Pixie.
"Hey–*ugh* I didn't know you cared Piccy..." she said as she attempted to push his unconscious body off of her. "Jeez you're heavy! About time you went on a diet and laid off of all the cookies!" She managed to get out from under him, stood up, and started to brush herself off. She then turned to face her rescuer.
Bubba....the lone surviving member of her original batch of chibi pixies.
"Eh...thanks for the assist Bubba. Nice timing too I might add."
"No prob boss. Just whistle when ya need me, 'kay?"
"Will do. Hey Bubba, is that a new tattoo?" she asked, gesturing to a giant red heart that said 'Mom'.
"Yeah it is but I gotta get it fixed. That moron mis-spelled it! He spelled it with only one 'o'!! Can you believe that!?"
Pixie sweat-dropped. "Uh....yeah, just imagine. Hey Bubba, while you're still here will you help me carry Piccy over to Spara and Zarbon's place? It's almost dinnertime and Kami gets really pissed off when I skip Zarbon's meals. He has the nerve to sentence me to 136 years of Zarbon's cooking and for what!? Just because I gave Dende a couple dozen boxes of Pixy Stix and he ended up having the mother of all sugar highs, I am forced to be slowly poisoned by carbon discs that Zarbon CLAIMS used to be pizza and his 'Mystery Surprise Casserole' that we had last night, which I might add tasted a lot like camel spit to me. Stupid Kami......thinks he's God or something....."
"Yeah sure. Glad to help." Bubba replied as she bent down to pick up the unconscious Namek and then slung him over her shoulder.
They turned to leave. "Oh wait!" Pixie exclaimed as she picked up her camera. "Mustn't forget this now should we? Heh heh heh....."
Back at the house.....
*SLAM*
Zarbon stormed into the house. "Man this really bites." He said as he reached the kitchen. He had been to the zoo in an attempt to get the last two remaining ingredients for the spell. He took off his cape and wrung it out over a bowel and a bunch of goo slowly dripped out.
"There. That takes care of the camel spit. Who knew that the camels ACTUALLY spit at you!? And I can't believe that they kicked me out of the zoo before I got to the monkey house." He sat down and sighed. "Now what am I going to do for the monkey hair?"
At that moment Spara walked into the room. "Hey Zarby." She went to the refrigerator and got a coke. "What are you doing?"
"Cooking." he replied absentmindedly.
"I think the better question is WHAT are you cooking." she said, wrinkling her nose at the contents of the pot simmering on the stove.
She took a sip from her coke and grimaced. "Oh BLECH! It's flat!" she exclaimed, her tail thrashing in annoyance.
Zarbon eyed her tail. "Three hairs from the tail of a monkey? Meh, close enough." He thought to himself.
Spara noticed him looking at her funny. "What's with you? You've got a strange look on your face..."
"Who me?" He asked as he innocently batted his eyes at her.
She rolled her eyes. "Whatever. I hope dinner is almost ready 'cuz Pixie will be here pretty soon."
"Yeah yeah yeah. I'm almost done. There's just one more thing I need."
"Well hurry up and get it!" she said as she turned to leave.
"Hurry up and get it?" He grinned slyly. "Whatever you say." He grabbed her tail and quickly plucked the hairs he needed. She let out a shriek of surprise.
"Itai!! Zarbon that hurts! What the hell are you doing?!"
"Nothing." he said as he let go and her tail quickly wrapped itself around her waist. She muttered something about psychiatric help and stomped out of the kitchen.
"Hee hee! Now that she's gone and I have everything that I need I can finish this thing!" He cackled as he pulled out the spell book and the other ingredients for the spell. He got out a large pot and sat it on the stove next to their dinner. "Let's see¼ 'add together the camel spit, the redneck sweat, and the vinegar and bring to a boil'," he read aloud. " 'Then put the chopped dog tongue, the daisy mold, and the clam dandruff in and stir counter clockwise thirty-seven times.' Oy." He did so and the potion started to change colors and boil. "Wow lookit that!" He returned to reading the book. " 'now add the three hairs one at a time and recite this incantation:
"Ytidiputs ta sti tsehgih level si a esruc esrow naht siht"
Suddenly the pot started to give off a strange blue light and began to boil violently.
"Ah crud monkeys!" Zarbon shouted as he ran to get a rag in case the pot boiled over. When he returned he was surprised to see that not only had the pot stopped boiling but had also changed to a clear liquid that looked like water.
"Whoa! Built in camouflage! Now it'll be a lot easier to slip into their food! Heh heh heh..."
He heard the doorbell ring just as he finished spiking the food. Spara went to open the door.
"Hiya guys!" Pixie said as she walked in followed by Bubba, who was still carrying an unconscious Piccolo.
"Er, hey Bubba." Spara said with a confused look on her face. She leaned over and whispered to Pixie, "I thought you destroyed all you're old chibi tachi?"
"I did." She whispered back. 'But Bubba survived somehow. I think maybe all the tattoos toughened her up or something."
"Ahhh..."
"Hey boss, where do you want me to drop Piccolo?" Bubba asked.
"Uh, anywhere I guess."
"Okay." She unceremoniously dropped him onto the floor. "Well if that's all you need me for right now I've gotta be going. I've got an appointment with Tony, my tattoo artist. See ya."
They all stared speechless after Bubba as she left.
As soon as the door closed Zarbon groaned. "That pixie should NOT be allowed to wear a strapless dress."
"You're telling me! That's the hairiest damn pixie I have ever seen!" Spara exclaimed.
Pixie shrugged. "Well what can I tell ya? She just came out that way."
A groan came from Piccolo on the floor where Bubba had dropped him onto his head.
"Looks like Piccy is starting to wake up." Spara observed.
"Ow...shit.... Anybody get the number of that bus?" he asked as he sat up. He rubbed his head and looked around. "How the hell did I get here? The last thing I remember was a giant evil bunny was attacking me..." he stopped as he noticed the strange looks he was getting from the others. "Uh, never mind."
Pixie sighed with relief. "Well I guess he doesn't remember trying to kill me. Again."
"Wha...?" Spara asked.
"Never mind. I'll tell ya later. Right now I'm hungry and I haven't had my daily dose of food poisoning yet. When's dinner?"
Zarbon grinned. "It's ready now if you want any."
"Do I have a choice?" Pixie asked as she led the way to the dining room.
"Nope not really."
"Hey, uh Piccy? You want some ice for the bump on your head?" Spara asked, concerned.
"I dunno....I guess...." he replied uncertainly.
"Okay," she said smiling. "You just sit down here next to Pixie and I'll go get you some."
"Yeah bring me some water too."
"I'll get it!" Zarbon jumped in. "I'll get the ice too!"
"Uh, okay." Spara said.
"Yeah you sit and I'll be right back with Piccolo's stuff and dinner 'kay? Good." He turned and headed for the kitchen. "Crud monkeys," he thought to himself. "I gotta put some of that stuff into some water for Piccolo."
After he had left Pixie turned to Spara. "What's with him?"
"I dunno. He's been acting weird all day. Earlier he ran off to the zoo and when he got home he just grabbed my tail for no apparent reason."
"Yeah Piccy here got spooked by an itty bitty widdle bunny wabbit today and I got it all on film!" Pixie said triumphantly.
"You did?" Spara asked, surprised. "Wow, its amazing you're still alive!"
"Well not for Piccy's lack of trying. Bubba just intervened by clocking him in the back of the head before he could finish me off.
"Well Bubba must have really hit him hard! You guys have been here at least a full five minuets and he hasn't tried to kill you yet!" She looked over at Piccolo who was holding his head in his hands, moaning.
"Just give me a few minutes," Piccolo said. "Just as soon as I stop seeing four of you Pixie is as good as dead."
"I love you too Piccy." She said, winking at him.
He just growled at her.
"Well I don't know," Spara began. "I think Zarbon is up to something."
"Yeah you could be ri–Dear sweet Kami in Heaven! What is that smell!? Did a sewer pipe explode!?!?"
Spara grimaced. "If only. That smell my friend, is dinner."
"You've got to be joking! Please say you are joking............"
" 'fraid not." Spara said as Zarbon entered with the pot of food. He sat it down on the table and everyone just stared at it speechless. Finally Pixie spoke up.
"Zarbon sweetie, congratulations. I think you have just succeeded in cooking something a Saiyajin wouldn't even eat.
"Um....nope! I'll still eat it!" Spara said as she dipped herself some.
"I don't get it Spara. You aren't being forced to eat Zarbon's cooking and yet you still do. What's with that?"
Spara shrugged. "I dunno, you just kinda get used to it after awhile." She took a bite and gagged. "Eh... I take it back." she said as she pushed her plate away. "He has cooked something I won't eat."
Pixie groaned. "If a Saiyajin can't even eat this stuff what hope do I have?" She glared at Zarbon. "And why aren't you eating?"
Zarbon snorted. "Nowhere did Kami ever say I had to eat my own cooking. I ordered pizza."
"Hey no fair! So I'm gonna be the only one eating this toxic waste!?
"Looks like." Zarbon grinned. He wasn't stupid enough to actually eat any of this food because he knew what was in it.
"Hey blue boy! Where the hell is my water!?"
"Oh yeah! Here you go." Zarbon said as he handed Piccolo a glass of water.
"About damn time." Piccolo said as he took the glass from Zarbon and took a sip. "The hell?! This tastes funny!"
"It's......uh....mineral water! Yeah that's it! Only the best for you Piccolo!"
"Whatever." Piccolo said crossly. He downed the rest of the glass in one gulp.
"Heh heh heh…. two down, one to go." Zarbon thought to himself. He looked over at Pixie and saw that she was only playing with her food.
"C'mon Pix, you gotta eat it. Kami will be really pissed off if you don't and will probably add to your sentence."
"But it's disgusting!" Pixie whined. "Besides I don't think I can eat something while it's watching me." She said dryly as she held up a newt eye for all to see.
"Oh so that's what I choked on. Zarbon I thought I told you to stop shopping at that new age health food store." Spara said, glaring at him.
"Why should I? Its right next to my favorite nail salon."
Piccolo snorted. "Zarbon you are such a frikkin priss y'know that?"
Zarbon just stuck his tongue out at him.
Pixie sighed. "Okay I'm going in." She tentatively took a bite. "Its…….. um……..yeah…" She swallowed and pushed her plate away. "Well that's it for me. Man I hate Kami. He knows I would rather starve to death than eat this stuff!"
"Is that true Pix?"
"Well no…….because if I died you would probably just wish me back and then I would be right back in the situation I was in before, wishing I were dead."
"Damn she found me out." Zarbon said jokingly.
Spara glanced over at Piccolo and saw he had a pained expression on his face. "Aw c'mon Piccolo, Zarbon's joke wasn't that bad was it?"
"N-no it's not that….I just…UH!" He clutched his stomach and doubled over in pain.
"Piccy what's wrong?!" Pixie asked, concerned.
"Stomach…..pain…" Piccolo muttered and he started slipping out of his chair. Pixie grabbed his arm to brace him and where their skin touched a blue light began to spread throughout their bodies.
"The hell--!?" Was all Pixie was able to say before she and Piccolo were completely engulfed by the light and were suddenly blown apart and embedded into opposite walls of the dining room.
"Pixie!" Spara shouted as she leapt over the table to help her friend.
"No Spara don't!" Zarbon yelled as Spara reached for Pixie. He grabbed her arm and realized his mistake a split second too late as the blue light began to engulf his and Spara's bodies.
"Zarbon what's—" Before Spara could even finish her question the light became painfully bright.
Zarbon released a silent scream as a gut wrenching pain gripped him and he felt as though his very soul were being ripped from his body. He had a sudden feeling of disorientation, as thought he were suddenly some where he wasn't supposed to be. His last conscious thought was, "Damn, I knew I shouldn't have taste tested the food before I served it." And with a final blinding flash of light, he blacked out.