Author note: This is another Detective Conan fanfic. This a multi-chapter story so I hope you enjoy it starting from the first chapter. Please check out my other Detective Conan fanfics and if you have any observations or errors in writing or the developments of the storyline in any of my stories please don't hesitate to share : )

I don't own Detective Conan or any of the characters.

DesperateFuture

Chapter 1

The organization met its demise last week. Lives were lost. Trust was broken. Friends were betrayed. Yet light still outshone the darkness. My cuts still bleed though. My head still rings from all the explosions. The more I walk the more it seems to hurt. The more I try to put the organization in my past, the more it seems to haunt me.

I reach the hospital. Jodie sensei asked me to meet her here. She's been hospitalized for the past week, nothing life threatening but she's still in a bad shape. I walk along the hallways heading towards her room. There's no fear of the organization anymore but I can't help but feel anxious everytime I step foot in this hospital. Too many things I wish to forget come crashing into me. I walk into the room.

Hattori Heiji stands at the far end of the room he sees me and he smiles but says nothing. Haibara, well Miyano Shiho is leaning against the window facing no one. Jodie sensei is sitting up on her bed smiling at me.

"Hey there cool kid," she says in her usual tone.

"Jodie sensei how are you feeling?" I ask her.

"Perfect" she replies.

I don't say anything else. Partially because I can feel the tension in the room and it unsettles me. But also because I can sense she asked me here for a reason, not just me apparently. She straightens her back before she speaks. No longer in a joyful tone.

"I have a proposal to make to each of you. But first I want you to recall the suffering and pain that you endured in the fight against the organization. Every drop of blood. Every tear you shed. I want you to accept all the horrors that you have been resisting. I need you to be afraid. Think of the moment when you felt true despair. When you believed your loved ones have been taken away. Take it all in".

I find myself sinking into darkness. The horrors. The blood. The tears. There were alot of them. True despair. I know how that feels like. When having to choose to either stand for what you believe in. Or fight for what's right. When the two collide. When your heart and soul clash in an endless battle of righteousness, no good can prevail. When it's kill or be killed. When you have to go against your principals, killing in cold blood just to save the ones you care about most. Kill to survive. I don't know if I deserve to be alive after what I'd done. This is true despair.

"Now you remember the pain and the fear. The sacrifice and the will to fight. And now I'm asking you if you are willing to do it again," I'm not looking at her, im not looking at anyone, or anything. I see blood. Red blood. Everywhere. Again? No. No. Never again, "I know that doesn't sound really appealing and I think an explanation is in order," she sits up ever straighter, "I want you to consider joining the FBI".

No one says anything. Had I been asked a few months ago to join the FBI I would have jumped at the opportunity. But I've seen things. Done things. I've seen what it takes to be an FBI agent. The skill and the will it takes to risk your life everyday and still maintain the will to will To love. To be able to stand in the face of evil and strike it down and still remain true to yourself. To be honest I feel like I lost sight of who I am. I used to be sure of myself, never one to hesitate. But I feel lost now. Can this save me? I don't know. I don't think so. And I have too much to lose to find out.

"I can't see how I would be helpful as an agent," Haibara begins, "unlike these two im not a detective, my observational skills are not on the same level as theirs and I have no interest in police or detective work," she tells Jodie sensei.

"You may not have their detective skills but you have one of the most important skill of all. You have the ability to maintain a logical way if thinking when faced with a situation where someone you care about is at risk, you don't hesitate," she doesn't, she didn't. She killed Vodka without a second thought, she killed him before he could kill me.

"So I'm useful because of my cold nature?" she asks.

"Because of your decisive nature, you are able to make life or death decisions in an instant. Good or bad is not for anyone to judge but a decision is essential in these situations," Jodie replies, "that combined with your vast forensic and scientific knowledge along with your weapon training makes you a valuable asset to any team in or out of the field," Haibara looks down but says nothing.

She turns to Haottri and i, "The skill that you two posses that she doesn't is the will to live," I look up at Haibara, she doesn't seem to disagree,"you two see the world in color, and so no matter how much evil roams the earth you will stand by the good. You never back down. That is something very special," she tells us,"ofcourse your detective skills can't be overlooked, you can be two of the best agents we ever had," she concludes.

I think it through. FBI, I never even considered it. The whole time fighting along side them and not once did the thought cross my mind. I wanted to be a detective. I want to be a detective. Now and always. But what if there's something greater? What if this is the next step? I always thought I would end up opening a detective agency, get married to Ran and live happily ever after. Everything I ever wanted is in my hands. I want to solve cases, I want to go back home to Ran. I can do that now. So why is it so hard to turn it down?

"I realize that this is a decision that should not be taken lightly so seen as we can't recruits you untill you turn 18, we think it would be best if you were to make up your minds by the time you graduate high school," she looks over at Haibara, "I know you are 18 but I still want you to take the time to think it through," she says.

8 months. 8 months sounds like a long time. If i have all this time, surely I will be able to reach a decision, right? Even though I already know the answer, I know the answer but I just don't know the reason. My life is here. It was always here. It always will be. Now is time to prove to myself that this is where I belong.

We walk out of the room and I turn to Haibara,"are you leaving?" I ask her.

"Yeah," she replies.

She walks away. Hattori is standing next to me.

Yet for some reason. I feel alone.

Reviews and suggestions are welcomed : )