The Littlest Peen Contest
Title: The Motion in the Ocean
Penname: tiffaninichole
Pairing: Edward & Bella
Hey ya'll! So this is my first fic, what better way to pop my writing cherry than with LittleTwigWard? None, I tell ya! I hope you enjoy my little one shot. It was so fun to write!
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. If I did, Esme would've worn a better wig in the movie.
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I need him. Now. I can't wait anymore. No more. I need him inside of me. To complete me. He's licking my collarbone and I need to feel him. I reach down and grab his erection. Oh. My. GOD! It's so huge!
He abruptly pulls back and damn near jumps off of the bed with an embarrassed look on his face.
"Bella," he pinches the bridge of his nose, "we--"
"I know," I cut him off, pissed and horny beyond belief. "We need to stop."
He grabs his shirt and pulls it on hastily.
"Bella, I need to go. I'm meeting up with Jas and Em. I love you. See ya later."
He gives me a chaste kiss and rushes out the door while I'm once again resorting to pulling out Happy McUnicorn. He never leads me on. He always knows what I want and how I want it. He never leaves me panting and unsatisfied. He's also waterproof and battery-operated with a sparkly, rotating head. I sigh, sitting back and enjoying the ride, fantasizing of Edward Masen and his huge peen the whole way through.
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"Any news yet, Bella?"
My best friend Alice knew all about my predicament and was as clueless as I was. She helped me concoct all kinds of plans to seduce Edward. All of them were FAIL. What 25-year-old man is in a relationship for a year and turns down sex? I mean, I practically BEG him!
"Kinda. I touched it today," I say while beaming.
She looks at me, her eyes filled with pity. I know it's pathetic that I'm just now touching my boyfriend's dick after over 365 days of being together. And it's even more pathetic that I'm excited about it.
"Oh honey," Alice says while patting me on my hand, "that's great! That's progress!"
"So, okay, I only felt it for a second before he pulled away, but the thing is massive. I mean, baby leg massive!"
I then spend the next 26.3 minutes gushing while my friend patiently listens, offering encouraging smiles and nodding until I'm finished. There are only so many ways I can say "I felt his dick and it was big" and I've run out of variations.
"Bells, this is so great! You guys will be having sex really soon. I can feel it!" Ah, Alice. The eternal optimist.
We spend the rest of the night talking, laughing and knocking back drinks with dirty names. I take a cab home because while I'm not drunk, I'm hella tipsy. Growing up as the police chief's daughter, you learn to be a bit overcautious.
While I'm walking up the stairs to my apartment, I'm coming up with fantasies of my sexy man. Can a human be a stripper pole? Edward as a stripper pole, while I grind and gyrate all over him. Yum. I walk in, drop my keys on the little table by the door and see something move in the living room. I rush to turn on the light while fighting the urge to scream.
Reaching in my purse, grabbing my economy-sized, professional-strength mace, I yell out, "Who's there?!"
As soon as the light is on, I notice my beautiful man on the couch. Relief floods through me. That is until I notice his appearance. His sex hair is even more wild and crazy. I can tell he's been running his hands through it nonstop. He has dark circles under his eyes and he looks so...defeated?
"Edward?" I say while rushing over to him. I sit down and gently cup his cheek in my hand. "Baby, what's wrong?"
He doesn't look at me. His eyes stay pointed toward the floor. He looks ashamed.
"Bella, we need to talk."
He gently grabs my hand, pulls it from his face and puts our entwined hands in his lap. Oh no. This is so not good.
"Oh God. You're gay."
His face snaps toward mine and he has a surprised look on his face. His eyes are as big as saucers.
"WHAT?!"
"Are you cheating on me? Oh, Edward. Please tell me you're not cheating on me!"
"What? Bella, no. You don't understand. It's nothing like that. I would never do that to you. I love you so much."
"What is it, Edward? You're scaring the hell out of me!"
He looks at me with the saddest eyes and takes a deep breath.
"Bella, do you know why all of my past sexual experiences have only been one night stands?"
"Um...No?"
"It's because afterward, the girls never called or answered my calls..."
"What? Why? What does this have to do with anything?" I'm so confused. What's he getting at? Does he fuck like a jackrabbit? We can work through that.
"What I mean, Bella, is...oh God, this is so embarrassing. I..." he roughly rubs his face and takes a few deep breaths. I'm about to hyperventilate.
"Bella, I'm not well-endowed. I'm the opposite of well-endowed. Fuck, I'm not endowed at all. I've been too embarrassed to have sex with you, Bella. And I'm scared that once you see my...down there...you won't want me anymore."
I couldn't believe my ears. He had to be fucking with me. Wait a minute...
"But I felt you earlier. I felt your dick, Edward, and it was huge. What the hell are you talking about?"
He looks confused. His face is scrunched up so adorably. God I love him.
"Bella," he sighs, "there's been a misunderstanding, baby. I had a sock full of rolls of quarters in my pocket."
What?!
"What?" My mental fixture has taken the backseat. I'm so confused. "Who the hell carries around socks filled with quarters? What the hell?"
He looks sheepish and shrugs. "It was laundry day."
I take a deep breath. I feel so relieved. He wants me; he's just embarrassed. I look at him and grab his hand.
"Edward, I love you more than anything. Nothing could keep me away from you. I want you, Edward. Please, don't turn me away anymore. I need you, I don't care about your size."
How small could it be, right? He's probably just average. Picking up one night stands in clubs, his past fucks were probably all loose, scallywag whores. I can deal with average. I can work with average. Average is good.
I lean over and kiss him. Before I know it, the kiss has intensified and I'm straddling him on the couch. His hand is gripping my ass and it's driving me wild. I run my hands through his heavenly hair and he groans into my mouth. That groan. I'll do whatever it takes to have him make that noise again. I start grinding into his lap. I need more. I'm so wet and hot. My panties are ruined and I don't give a damn. I'm finally gonna get sex! I grind like there's no tomorrow and continue my assault on his mouth with my tongue. It's been so long. I need him. I reach down to grip the edge of his shirt. I need to feel his chest. His beautiful and perfect chest.
"Oh God, Bella, I want you so bad. I'm so fucking hard right now."
So fucking hot. Wait a minute. I slow down my grinding while I notice the lack of bulging in his pants. What the fuck? Where is it? I push myself down more forcefully and grind harder. It has to be there.
I'm on a mission. His dick can't be that small. I refuse to believe it. It's just not true. I reach my hand down and grab for his dick. I...don't feel anything? I start maniacally groping around for his phantom penis. Is this possible? Edward stops my frantic hands.
"Bella..."
I stop and look at him.
"I know what you're doing. I told you I was small, baby."
"No, Edward. Just...no." I continue my fruitless grope-fest, unable to believe his penis is microscopic.
He grabs my face and looks me square in the eyes.
"Bella, you need to stop being in denial. You need to say it."
I look away, unable to believe and digest what he's told me.
"No."
"Say it, Bella. Out loud...I have a little weenie."
"Edward, please. It's okay. I love you. We can work through this."
"Bella, you need to understand how little it is. It's a weenie. I can't call it a dick or even a penis. It's a weenie. A teeny little toddler weenie."
He stands up and starts to unbutton his pants, trying to show me how small it is, I guess. Seeing him undress for the first time is incredibly erotic. I'm panting. The six pack, the "v" leading down into his pants. The happy trail leading to his...Ken doll genitals?
His pants are finally down and I'm speechless. Really speechless. His nether regions are bald. I remember telling him some random stuff from Cosmo, one tidbit being that if your man shaves his genital hair, it'll make his penis look bigger. Honestly, looking at his phantom ding-a-ling, I probably wouldn't have even been able to find it if he had pubic hair. Looking harder, I notice a little nub. Oh God, no. It's like a little golf pencil. With no eraser. That's been sharpened to an inch of its life. It's skinny and short. Oh God, no.
"Bella, baby?" he interrupts my inner ramblings. "This is me..."
My poor, beautiful man. I realize that no matter how nonexistent his dick is, I could never be without him. He's perfect for me. We're soulmates. We'll get through this. I see a lot of batteries in my future. Edward's gonna have to use his tongue. A lot. We can make this work. I'm Googling Enzyte when he leaves.
I get up off of the couch and walk over to him while slowly pulling down my skirt and underwear.
"Edward Masen," I coo, "I want you. I don't care about the size of your boat. It's the motion in the ocean," I say jokingly while giving him a coy smile.
He lets out a deep breath. He's probably relieved. My poor, beautiful man. What can I do to make him feel better? Hmmm...Oh! I drop to my knees in front of him and take him in my mouth. Oh God. It's like sucking on a coffee straw. But smaller. Well, I guess I never have to worry about my jaw getting tired. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. He said he has a toddler weenie, but I'm sucking a fetus weenie. How will I ever feel this in my cooch if I can barely feel it in my mouth? I'm gonna have to buy stock in AdamAndEve(dot)com.
"Oh, Bella. Baby, that feels so fuckin' good."
Really? I'm not even trying. Wow. My poor, beautiful man. He's groaning and growling and his noises are so fuckhot.
He pulls me up and kisses me. So much passion. He grabs my breasts and pulls his mouth away from me, ripping my shirt open. Buttons scatter everywhere and it's the hottest thing I've ever seen. I'm gonna need more button-up blouses. He dips his head down and takes a nipple into his mouth. Heaven.
"Ung...Oh God."
"You're so beautiful, Bella. I want you so bad."
He picks me up and I wrap my legs around his waist while he takes me to the bedroom. I notice that we're both naked, my cooch is right against his genital area, and yet I feel nothing. My poor, poor beautiful man. Would he be offended if I suggested he wear a strap-on?
He lays me on the bed and places wet kisses from my collarbone to my ear. I feel his hot breath on me and he huskily whispers.
"I wanna make this good for you, baby. So good. I'll make it worth it. I love you."
He works his way down to my nipples. They're so hard, it's borderline painful. I need a release and I'm saddened when I realize that Edward's Houdini weenie won't give it to me. He works my other nipple with his fingers, pulling and pinching. I'm panting and so wet. He kisses and nips his way down to my belly button. He looks up at me and smirks before he moves his head lower to my center. I feel his breath on me and it's maddening. He finally puts me out of my misery when I feel two long, pianist fingers slowly enter me.
"You're so wet for me baby."
He works me slowly. Painfully slow. I need more.
"Edward. More. Please."
I feel his lips on me. Oh God. He kisses my clit and my back automatically arches off the bed. He's making lazy circles with his warm tongue. His fingers start pumping faster, his tongue firmer, moving with more force.
"Edwaaarrrrd..."
He curves his fingers upwards, telling my orgasm to come hither. He squeezes my clit between his lips and sucks and I lose it.
My orgasm is strong. I'm spiraling out of control, ecstasy overtaking my very being. I feel myself clamping around his glorious fingers. They're still working me. Wondrous.
"Yessssss. Oh Edward!"
He pulls himself up and sucks my nipples. Oh God. His tongue is magic. I wanna marry it.
"Bella? Baby, are you ready?"
I look at him and nod my head. He settles himself between my legs and I kiss him and tell him I love him. I feel him thrust and he grunts.
"Shit, Bella. Fuck. You feel so good."
Huh? He's in?! Oh God. No. God, NO!
He's grunting and moaning. I wrap my legs around his back. Maybe I'll feel him like this.
"Oh fuck. So warm. So good."
I think I feel something. Okay, yeah, I feel a little something...I think. Maybe if I move a little to the left...yeah, Happy McUnicorn is definitely gonna be getting a lot of play from now on.
Edward grabs one of my legs and hikes it over his shoulder. Not like it'll make a difference, dude. I wonder if there's some kind of black market penis enlarging machine. I'll have to look into that...
I notice his thrusting is getting faster. He must be close. I bring his head down and lick the shell of his ear while moaning. I clamp my legs tighter around his midsection and whisper, "Fuck me harder, baby."
He loses it. He growls. I almost come from the sound. So fucking sexy.
"AAAARRRGH! FUUUUUCK!"
His thrusting slows and he drops his head near the crook of my neck, licking and kissing. I moan. I'm still so fucking horny. But I can't let him know that. My poor, beautiful man. It would crush him.
He lifts his head and kisses me. "Thank you, Bella. I love you so much."
"I love you too, Edward. Always."
"I'm gonna go clean up, baby. Do you want me to bring you a glass of water when I'm done?"
Yeah, 'cause I'm sooo exhausted. I inwardly sigh.
"Sure," I smile at him.
He's beaming at me, like he's floating on air as he gets out of bed and heads to the bathroom.
I hear the shower start and pull out Happy McUnicorn.
"Hello old friend. I turn him on, sitting back and enjoying the ride, fantasizing of Edward Masen and the imaginary huge peen of my dreams. I'm definitely gonna need more batteries.
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A/N:
So that's it! Hope you liked it. Poor PhantomWeenieWard. Be sure to vote for your favorite in The Littlest Peen Contest!
www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2207039/TheLittlestPeen
I'm a super fic h00r, and love telling folks about the stories I love. So I wouldn't feel right if I didn't recommend some great reads
-Playlist, The Mortal Coil, Falling For the First Time and Wide Asleep by SnowWhiteHeart. If you don't read these 4 fics ASAP, a little kitten will die. Seriously.
-Dangerous Corporate Liasons by coachlady1. Edward has a huge peen and he knows how to use it. Sexay!
-The Muse in the Attic by iamaliveandfree. Serious mindfuck goings on in this one.
-A Betting Man by mybluesky. Edward is a sexy and seductive playboy and Bella is on to him. But still can't resist. I don't blame her, I'd be all on that too!
-Bella Swan: Zombie Killer by Kristen Nicole. If you haven't read this, I just have no words for you. You make me sad.
Thanks to my unofficial beta coachlady1. She's awesome. *waves maniacally*
Wanna read over 200 one shots by all of your favorite authors? Donate $5 or more to help Haiti and you'll receive all the one shots your little heart desires. Visit mskathyff(dot)blogspot(dot)com for more information.
That's all she wrote, folks. The longest A/N in fanfic history has now come to a close. Smooches! ^_^