GALE & KATNISS
[From "Mockingjay"- Meant to be inserted towards end of Ch. 9, Hardcover version p. 130.]
'Gale and Katniss return to District 12 to shoot propos. Katniss collects items from her house in Victor's Village when Gale arrives.
"How?" I say. Because I didn't know myself.
"Because I'm in pain," he says. "That's the only way I get your attention." He picks up the box. "Don't worry, Katniss. It'll pass." He leaves before I can answer.
I'm too weary to work through his latest charge.'
"It's not true," I say forcefully, feeling a surge of anger which I don't quite understand. "It is true that I hate seeing you in pain. But it's more than that."
Gale puts the box down. "I don't know if I believe that."
I walk over to him and rest my hands on his cheeks, meeting his gaze. "Well, don't then," I say. "But it's true."
Gale grabs my wrists with his hands, and I suddenly feel powerless in his grasp. He's looking at me in a strange way. He is back to being the hunter, and I'm his prey. The urge to run pulses through me.
But then his face changes. It melts into a soft expression, one I haven't seen before, even though I thought I had learned every configuration of his face. His mouth is on mine, and suddenly he is forceful again. This isn't like our previous kisses. He pushes me up against the wall, and his mouth is on my neck, my cheeks, my hair. I can feel his warm, lean body pressing against my own, the weeks of training evident in his tense muscles.
"Katniss," he whispers in my ear.
I don't know what to think. There are too many thoughts in my head, things I don't want to think about, and I push them out. I'm not usually able to do this successfully, and I like the feeling. The way Gale is making me forget everything.
I don't reply, and I find his mouth again with mine. The feeling I had kissing Peeta on the beach, the warm sensation that starts in my middle and travels to my fingertips, spreads through me. Peeta. I shove any thoughts of him out of my mind, because if I don't, I will ruin this moment.
Gale pulls back, and I see his eyes now. Eyes on fire.
"Do you want to go upstairs?" he asks. His voice is hoarse.
I understand somewhere in me what this means, but I don't think about it. Instead, I just nod. The only words I manage to say are "what about everyone else?"
"Cressida is shooting some footage in the square. I'm not sure about Plutarch. There are some bodyguards outside. But I don't think they will disturb us."
I nod again and let Gale lead me up the stairs by my hand.
As he starts to open my bedroom door, I shout at him. "No!" The thought of Snow's rose being in there makes my head spin. And all those nights of sleeping in Peeta's arms as he chased away my nightmares. I can't be in there with Gale.
Gale looks startled, but nods once. I lead him down the hallway to our spare room. We rarely used it being that never had any guests. It is sparsely decorated, a simple bed and dresser angled across from large windows. Facing south, the room is warm, the sun unobscured by any window dressings.
Gale stands in the middle of the room and faces me.
"Are you sure?" he says.
I just nod again. He pulls my body close to his, kissing me. I kiss him back, again not thinking about what this means, but letting all the feelings I have ever had about Gale release out of me. I will not hold back any more, or second guess myself. Peeta is likely lost to me. But Gale loves me. And there is no denying that I haven't wanted this, or some version of this, with him.
Gale begins undressing me until I am just in my undergarments. Even though I've been undressed plenty of times in front of others, and it doesn't even phase me when my prep team sees me naked, there is something different about being this exposed in front of Gale. My breath catches in my throat, and I am unsure of what to feel. Gale's eyes graze over me and I resist the urge to cover myself up. He pulls off his shirt. I had just seen him hours ago like this, but now it's different. I reach my arms around him and touch his back lightly, feeling his scars, wincing again as I recall the day he received those lashes. He wraps his arms around me as well. "You're so beautiful," he says.
Gale is kissing me again, and slowly takes off the rest of the clothes on my body. I keep my eyes closed as he does this, but I touch him as well, feeling his strong chest and his long, sturdy arms as he gently lays me back against the bed.
I feel lost in the sea, unsure of where I am or what to do. My mother had told me about this part of life once, before my father died, and Gale and I have seen many animals out in the woods. We would laugh about it together. But this is different. I feel like I am drowning, but I don't want it to stop. Gale touches me and I am doing nothing now by laying back, giving myself to him. The drowning sensation shifts, and now I am riding a wave, higher and higher. I let these new feelings take over me, and I feel Gale's mouth press on mine as I gasp for air, my world spinning.
When I open my eyes, Gale is lying next to me, watching me. He strokes my hair.
"Have you done this before?" he whispers. It's barely there in his face, but I can see it. The concern that I had moments like these with Peeta.
"No," I say. "Not at all. Never."
He's kissing me again and I realize I nearly forgot to ask him the same. "Have you?"
"No," he says, studying my face. "But I've thought about it a lot. With you. I've wanted this—wanted you—more than I could stand sometimes."
I don't know how to reply, so I just say "I want you too." And I do. Have I been wanting this for awhile, like him? I don't know.
He is kissing me hard again, and I let him overtake me. I try to regain some grip of my mind, but my thoughts are jumbled so I stop trying.
Gale is gentle with me, checking to make sure I am comfortable. But I feel pain, and I wince. Gale freezes.
"Are you okay?" he asks, concern in his voice.
"Yes," I say. I have experienced pain much worse than this. And this is not an unwelcome pain.
After awhile, the pain recedes, and I feel a new sensation. I bring my mind back to Gale, now kissing him on the neck, allowing myself to ride through the sea again.
I watch Gale's expression change once more, almost as if he is now in pain. I touch his face and his lips, learning these new sides of him. He doesn't scream out. He muffles his face in my hair.
Afterwards he holds me. I don't know how long we have been here, and I start to think that our crew might be getting worried. But I don't move. I try not to think of Peeta, and how he held me tightly all those nights. Instead, I focus my thoughts on Gale. I feel small and safe curled into his long body, his arms cradling me, his breath steady in my ear.
"Katniss," he finally says quietly. "I love you."
I don't know what to say. This is the second time Gale has told me he loves me, and I didn't handle it well the first time. I have been through this in my head before, trying to sort out my thoughts on Gale, whether I love him, and what that means concerning how I feel about Peeta. I love Gale in some way. It might be the same way his loves me, but I don't know.
"I love you too," I say, looking at his gray eyes. In this moment, I want to stay here with him forever.
We hear a knock at the door, which snaps us back into reality. We quickly dress. I have no doubt Plutarch and Cressida will have their suspicions as to why Gale and I have spent so long in Victor's Village, but I don't care. We go downstairs to meet them and the crew who have all recently assembled outside of the door.
"Good to see you two," Plutarch says jovially, and gives us a wink. I don't allow my expression to change, but I feel myself blush. As we walk back to the hovercraft, Gale and I stay to the back of the group. He reaches out and squeezes my hand before dropping his quickly. I give him a small smile in return. I think about how if I die soon, I am happy to have experienced this part of life. With Gale, my best friend. I will eventually have to process what today means for the possible future. For me and Gale. For Peeta. But not today. There are too many other things that occupy my mind.
'I spend the short ride back to 13 curled up in a seat…'