Disclaimer: I won't insult your intelligence, you know the score.

Rating: PG

Warnings: Mild use of foul Language. Slash implications.

Notes: Not so much a character thing, but a conversation I just had to get out of my head. It's a little difficult to write serious-realistic-emotional when you've got silly-sitcom-dramady running around your head. In this story, Wufei is played by me. As with the previous stories, A Subtle Way of "Doing Him", A Simple Tale of "Doing Him", A Serious Tale of "Doing Something", A Complicated Story of "Doing You", A Brilliant Method of "Doing Nothing At All", this is set comfortably after the Mariemaia wars. I know I mention some modern day things, but I figure some things never go out of style.

Synopsis: Duo talks, Wufei listens. Heero gets home.

Category: Mild gayness at the most. Some swearing. Vague humour. Some angst. A little well-meant fandom bashing.

Definitions:

Do Him/Her. Emphasis on "do". Doooo hi'm/h'er

The encouragement of obeying apparent sexual desire. To skip over senseless/over elaborate romantic gestures/setting and head straight into HAWT sexual relations. Often used by yaoi/yuri fangirls, annoyed by elaborate angst riddled plots, when the obvious answer to all characters' problems would be a good session engaged in sexual activity. 1. Just DO him. 2. Will you get over yourself, and DO her! 3. You should tie him up and DO him!

A Classic Technique of Doing Something About It

by Doc Megalomania

"You should take Yuy, bundle him into a car, drive to Quatre's little cabin – the map's on the brochure on the table – use the rope in the box by the door, tie him up and do him."

Duo's mouth fell open and he twisted his head to look at the man beside him. Wufei was sitting right there next to him, as if he hadn't said a word. They'd been lounging on Heero's sofa for the past two hours, watching TV. Beyond the usual threats and the sharing of beer, they hadn't done very much. It had been a long week and it showed. Today's bomb explosion hadn't done very much for either of them, but they'd only been caught in the debris blow-back and not the main event. Wufei's usually sleek black hair was dull and sloppily put into a pony tail. Duo's own braid needed some care – he was fairly sure he'd lost a pen in there. Their uniforms were covered in dust and dirt and they both had muddy boots which they'd left at the shoe rack. Wufei had his feet up on the coffee table; his tie was hanging loose around his neck.

"Whu...what?" Duo asked blearily, uncertain he had heard Wufei correctly. Wufei finished his third beer and leant forward to grab his fourth. He fell back into his seat with a thud and expertly twisted the cap off. He tossed the empty lid into the abandoned box of Chinese and took a long draught of the beer. His eyes remained firmly fixed on the screen, even though they were just watching a nice peaceful cookery program. Duo tried again, "You said... what?!"

"I said," Wufei said slowly. His voice betrayed his drunkenness but he was clearly still in control of himself. "I think you should get Heero Yuy, tie him up and do him."

"You're..." Duo paused to gather his wits, swallowed and carried on. "You're giving me relationship advice?"

Wufei shuffled to make himself more comfortable. His eyes never left the screen and his expression was vaguely bored. "Yep."

Duo looked suspiciously at his own beer. "Just so we're clear," He held up a hand, and shifted to face Wufei. "You're talking about to me about start a relationship with Heero Yuy who has had the biggest hard-on for Princess Relena Peacecraft the world has ever known."

"Yep." Wufei continued to look bored.

"I mean, you do realise how head over heels in love he is with her?" Duo motioned with his bottle carelessly. "I mean, we're talking almost four continuous hours worth of LazyBoy Sighing." He wagged a finger at Wufei. "That's more than Trowa achieved ever over Quatre and that was our golden standard."

Wufei sipped his beer. "Yep." He didn't look at Duo.

"I'm mean he's gotta be stinging from her total rejection." Duo sipped from his beer, and then put the bottle down so he could have more freedom to gesture with his hands. "I trapped them in a lift for almost 5 hours and when he made his move, she lay down the ultimate smackdown." He paused for dramatic effect. "She's gay for Dorothy-Love-to-Stab-You-Catalonia!"

His drama didn't change Wufei's bored expression. "Yep."

"Who, can I just mention, spent months tailoring up that plan with me?" Duo wagged his finger and then winced. He picked up his bottle to drink from it. "It was the perfect moment, and we totally did not see Relena getting her freak on for Miss Stabalonia?" Duo threw up his hands, his beer sloshing in its bottle, "I mean Peacecraft and Stabalonia?! I was totally blindsided. I'm pretty damn good at reading people..."

"Yep."

"... I had to go back and watch all those news casts about Relena, and it was totally there." Duo glanced at the TV, his voice almost quiet with awe. "I don't know how I missed it. But then Heero does the same thing. He gives out totally random signals like his body doesn't really know how to react to people and does poor imitations of everything." He glanced at Wufei, holding out a hand, "I mean, the man's a stone."

Wufei tilted his head, vague interest passing over his face as the chef did something interesting with a pepper. "Yep."

"But he's not, you know, Wufei." Duo drank his beer, taking long swallows. He paused to think. "I mean, he's not made of stone, but there's no denying that his training really fucked up his body. I mean, he's hardcore, he's badass but he cannot communicate that love he's got down for Relena." Duo shook his head slowly, raising a hand to pull his braid over his shoulder. "He just doesn't know how to respond to her and that's why he's lost her."

"Yep."

"I feel bad for him, man, he must wish I'd broken the lift earlier. That's gotta be what he meant." Duo sighed heavily, sitting back glumly. He tugged the tie from the end of his braid and started finger combing it out. "He's got all this love in him; I mean I can see it. He's burning hot for someone and there's nothing I can do for him." Duo sighed as he flicked a small leaf into the abandoned Chinese container. "He just can't show it to anyone, nobody else sees it but me." He paused and winced, "And I'm not talking about that L2 Body Language thing crap that people been spewing, I mean he basically is shouting 'I love you!' at every opportunity we're around her – I'm like blinded by it, it's so obvious what he's saying but she just kept missing the hints. You know?"

"Yep." Wufei reached out, plucked a tiny twig from the long mass of Duo's hair, looked at it and tossed it dismissively into the take-away container.

Duo took the opportunity to stand up, wobbled, tipped his head forward and tried – very unsuccessfully – to empty out his hair. Being long haired and drunk, he only managed to further tangle the mass and get sweet and sour sauce on the tips of his hair. He sighed when he noticed and flopped back into the sofa. Wufei only grunted as he was jostled. Duo sloppily tied his hair into a loose pony tail and picked up his bottle of beer. He looked at it contemplatively.

"It's almost like she missed them on purpose, I mean he was her body guard for so long and yet nothing." He glanced at Wufei, "I think we owe it to him to get him hooked up." He slapped his thigh with his free hand, "We're Gundam, man. We gotta do it."

"Yep."

"I'm glad you agree, but you gotta be crazy." Duo looked at him aghast, and held out his beer hand, motioning far away, "You think Heero Yuy, the perfect fucking solider's just going to let us hook him up with someone." His arm wavered, as a thought occurred, "I mean, there's Cindy from Records, but I don't think he's got that kind of mojo for her just yet. Do you think Cindy from Records is a good idea?"

"Yep."

"Man, are you drunk?! Cindy would drive him up the wall. Heero needs someone who's going to make his heart beat and his mind burn. You know, how like Trowa and Quatre do it for each other. I mean, look at them. They've got it going on, because they fit each other so well."

"Yep."

"I'm glad we're talking this through. I mean, I totally thought that you and Sally always suited each other. She was the no-bullshit, straight from the hip kind of gal that seemed to be the balm to your fire."

"Yep."

"Heero needs that. He needs someone who takes the Perfect Solider and turns that on his head, someone who always has his back and will be there when he needs some of that love to be smacking him upside the head when he's been spending six hours straight on his laptop."

"Yep."

"I mean, I know that he's not all Mission, but sometimes he gets stuck in a rut of thinking. He doesn't see what he needs to do." Duo deflated as he admitted in a quiet voice, "Maybe Cindy from Records is a bad idea. I think she likes him, but I don't think she likes-likes him."

"Yep."

"Yeah, I mean we gotta find someone... someone..." He paused to think, sipping slowly at his beer. "Someone solid, someone who had experience of the war. I mean, that's the only kinda person who's going to understand what he's about. I'm not saying he needs a vet, but he needs someone who was there – gets the flashbacks and the trauma."

"Yep."

"Yeah, I know. It's gotta be someone who really looks into those blue eyes of his and really sees what he's shouting from inside." He tapped his chest, "I mean, I see it all the time, and he's burning. Man, he needs someone tough, someone with patience. Someone who can see it though..." He looked at Wufei thoughtfully, "Are you and Sally a done deal?"

Wufei rolled his eyes, "Yep."

"I mean, obviously she's got the hots for you, but I don't see you making the moves, man." Duo tipped a knowing finger toward him, "You gotta be hot on that, or she'll look elsewhere. I'm not going to push her, but dude, Heero's a great catch and you're kinda the same in the whole grumps-a-lot department." He snorted fondly, "Spill of sulk in aisle 4, much?"

"Yep."

"I'm just joshing with you, man, lighten up." Duo twisted to face the TV and slouched down. "Look I know you and Sally are solid, just like Quatre and Trowa." He kicked his feet out, and crossed them at the ankles to rest on the table top. "You're all solid and Heero's floating free." He stretched to nudge a fallen prawn cracker away with his toe. "I gotta be there for him. Know what I mean?"

"Yep."

"Didn't think you would, man." Duo fell silent. "I mean, the signals he gives are so messed up. It's really hard to read him sometimes; I mean Quatre's really easy, so are you. That's because you guys have never had to deal with it. Trowa's harder to read, but when you know what to look for it unlocks all kinds of things he hide behind the uni-bang."

"Yep."

"But Heero's different. His signals are all over the place. I just don't know if what I read from him is always right." Duo lapsed into silence for a while, sipping his beer thoughtfully. "I mean, for the longest possible time, I thought he was gay."

"Yep."

Duo blinked, snapping his head to look at Wufei. "He is?!"

Wufei sighed, his eyes were almost glazed over with boredom. "Yep."

"Wait, wait. Wait a minute." Duo sat up and turned fully. "Did he tell you?"

The chef was stirring a pan, and Wufei watched the ladle turn before he deigned to answer. "Yep."

Duo looked stunned for a few moments. He sat back slowly, and slouched in the sofa corner. For a long time – long enough for the chef to enthuse about the necessity of choosing the right wine for chicken nuggets – Duo sat sipping his beer. He licked nervous lips. "He totally didn't respond when I put out, man. But ..." Duo took a deep gulp of beer, his expression turning thoughtful. "Then again, if he can't put out the signals, maybe he can't read them?"

Wufei's head fell back heavily, and he watched the TV like it was a marathon effort to keep his eyes open. Heroically, he raised his beer and took a long sip. "Yep."

"Maybe he totally missed how much I totally—" Duo cut himself off and whipped his head around to look at Wufei. "I mean, he might not know how..." Confusion crashed over Duo's expression. "Do I like-like him?"

"Yep."

Duo half-huffed, half chuckled. Embarrassment touched his cheeks and he dipped his head. "'Cause for a while, I was totally... well, you know. I mean, we were just kids... but, he was this... and I was pretty lonely... He just..."

"Yep."

Duo reached up to scratch the back of his neck, and finished his beer. He put the bottle on the floor next to his other beers. "Do you think I should be giving him another pass?"

"Yep." Wufei reached for another beer, and passed it to him.

"Wow." Duo paused, "Whoa. Me and Heero... We're best buds, I don't want to lose that." He paused and stroked his chin. He twisted the top off his beer. "But wasn't that what Quatre was saying?"

"Yep."

"And Quatre was totally blind to the big red flags that Trowa was throwing up, and that made Trowa reluctant..."

"Yep."

"So, what you're basically saying is that I should totally give it another go?"

"Yep."

Duo thought about that for a moment, taking a large gulp of his beer. "But what if Heero—"

The front door slammed, the sound of keys hitting the board and a jacket being removed swiftly followed. "Damnit, I changed the locks." Heero grumbled as he came into the living room, "How the hell did both of you get in here?" He paused to motion the walls with both hands. "Do you just spirit yourselves through the wall?"

"Yep." Wufei lifted his hand loosely and changed the channel.

"It doesn't matter how many times I change the locks, does it?" Heero sighed, and pressed a hand over his face. "You are just going to keep turning up at my apartment before I get home."

"Yep."

Heero slumped into his lazy boy and reached out to snag a beer. He looked at Duo. The long haired man looked surprised. Heero twisted the cap off, and frowned slightly. "What?"

Duo opened his mouth, but nothing came out. After a moment, he closed his mouth uncertainly.

Heero looked at Wufei, "He ok?"

"Yep."

"Did you say something to upset him?"

"Yep."

Heero's frown deepened. "Wufei."

"Hmph." Wufei tipped his head back and finished his beer. He looked between them, stood up, swayed for a moment before straightening his tie. It was more out of habit than anything else because it didn't improve his dishevelled appearence. Noticing Heero's increasing frown, and amused by Duo's startled look, Wufei shrugged and motioned the pair of them with a loose gesture. "You're welcome." He said, a smug tone in his voice. Despite being clearly very drunk, he gracefully stepped over Duo's outstretched legs. He walked woozily toward the door and threw his coat over his shoulder. "I'll leave it to you now, Maxwell." He paused by the door to the small hallway and turned back to leer smugly, "Have fun!"

Duo stared at the door way even as the front door slammed. He continued staring even after Heero reclaimed the remote and pulled at the lever to make the lazy boy reclined. It was only when a balled up newspaper hit him in the side of the head that Duo turned slowly. Heero looked mildly concerned, hands poised over his laptop. "What is wrong with you?"

Duo shook his head, snapping out of it. "Huh? Uh." He licked his lips and sank back, "Nothing. It's nothing, man."

Heero resumed typing with a snort. "What did Wufei say?"

Duo waved a hand carelessly, "Nah, man. He was just joshing with me." He chuckled to himself, "He was like totally, I should tie you up and do you. Like you'd enjoy it." He took a gulp of his beer and belched. "I know you're still recovering from the Relena bomb."

"Hmm."

"And I'm like totally there for you." Duo glanced over at Heero, who was typing away calmly. He didn't seem much interested in what Wufei had said. Duo shrugged and shook his head, turning his attention on the screen. Some awful anime was up. He sat and watched it for a while.

"Did you book your leave?"

Duo blinked, "Leave?"

Heero sighed and paused his typing. "Leave. We're going on holiday. Next month. For a week."

"Holiday?"

"How drunk are you?" Heero frowned, "We talked about it a week ago. You were saying I should get away from it all, you were going to come with me."

That sparked a memory, another drunken memory of dragging Heero out to a club to commiserate over Relena. Duo blinked rapidly, trying to cover his increasing confusion, "Oh, you found somewhere you want to go?"

"Yes, Quatre has a cabin." Heero started at Duo's startled expression. "What?"

"Cabin?" This was almost squeaked.

Heero's confusion turned to bemusement. "How drunk are you really?" He pointed toward a table near the entrance. "I put the brochure on the table, with a post-it note. I figure you'd leap at the chance to 'get away from it all' together." Heero resumed his typing, a small smile flirting on his lips. "It's going to be good to go away together; we could get in some decent mountain training."

Duo watched him for a while, confused by Heero's apparent enthusiasm. "Huh."

"What?"

"Nothing," Duo shrugged and reached up to scratch his head, "Just something Wufei said. I'm just... you know, thinking it over."

They stared at each other for a long time, and Heero could see Duo's calculating thoughts click through. After a while, Duo must have come to a conclusion and shook his head dismissively. As the long haired man resumed watching TV, Heero shook his head and resumed typing.

"Heero?"

He paused and looked over toward Duo, the man was looking absent-mindedly at a clump in his fringe. Duo twirled the clump, "Do you... feel like..." he shrugged, "Helping me with my hair tonight?"

Heero sat forward and put his laptop on the coffee table, "Thought you never ask."

Duo started at the softness in his voice, "Seriously?"

"You're getting shit all over my carpets." Heero shifted easily to his feet and walked off toward the bathroom. He paused at the frustrated noise Duo made behind him. The long haired man had his hands clapped to the side of his head. Heero tilted his head, "What is wrong with you?"

"I cannot read you, man, you're like all over the place. It's like," Duo's voice went soft, "'Oh, I can't wait to touch your hair'!" He frowned and his voice turned to a growl, "But then you're like 'You're so stupid'!"

Heero's smirk was tiny, as he replied matter-of-factly, "Well, maybe you'll get to know me better at the cabin."

"And that's like, I want to sex your body up!" Duo threw his hands up and stormed past him, "You know what? I'm gonna get it out of you, man, this-this-this-whoever you got the hots for, I'm gonna get it out of you," Duo's voice rose in frustration, "And by the time we come back, you're gonna know how to put the moves on someone." He spun to wag a finger at Heero, "AND I'M GONNA TEACH YOU HOW TO MAKE SURE THAT THE OTHER PERSON KNOWS THAT YOU'RE MOVING IN ON THEM!" He ripped the hair tie out and shook out his hair, grumbling to himself as he stomped into the bathroom.

As the water started, Heero slowly rolled up his sleeves. The smirk on his face was smug. "Gonna teach me, huh?"

Just listen for once.