Author's Note:

Before you decide to read ahead at the stories I have posted, a warning: I am a very self-indulgent, self-insert author. In fact, 99.9% of my fics include my self-insert and I'm proud of it. So, if you feel like you can endure it, please proceed!

But please remember: this and every other story that I have written was produced out of pure boredom/fun/crack or just because I felt like it. Therefore, it is NOT perfect. I am not a professional. I cannot guarantee that the grammar is spot on or that you'll enjoy it. But if you decide to stick around for the ride? I appreciate it. But I am, (repeat I am) an amateur writer.

I do hope however; I can entertain you for a couple of hours and maybe get a laugh or two outta ya? I really appreciate all the support you all have given me over the years and I'll continue to try and update when I can.

So, thanks! Thanks a bundle!

AND

I do not own any part of Superjail! Just the characters Paige.

Much Love.

"They say, be afraid. You're not like the others, futuristic lover."- E.T., Katy Perry.

Harmless Profiling

Criminal psychology. Paige had all the textbook knowledge she would need but she couldn't help but think if it was enough. Through all of her work in graduate school and psychology training she always felt as if she could take on any task, but this, this was different. No amount of training could prepare her for the job at hand.

She sat in her seat, silent as ever. The thoughts of all her schooling still fresh in her mind. She knew she would need it. She repeated the laws of psychology in her head as if they were a Hail Mary. Over and over, she thought and rethought her training. She wasn't sure if she could do this, but she was going to try.

Only if being a psychologist was her only problem.

She had worked with the United States government for a few years, to help her through college. Now the feds were combining her skill as a criminal psychologist in-training and government guinea pig. With orders from the government to 'pay' back from schooling she didn't really have much choice.

Her mission was to uncover a case of cruelty and inhumane acts against inmates of a prison named Superjail. All the while, posing as a criminal psychologist.

It was the perfect plan. It also sounded like a simple task by the government's description. Paige hadn't heard much about Superjail, only that there were was some rumor that it was far from any traditional prison. The supposed 'warden' of Superjail was said to be a mad man who ruled his kingdom with an iron fist.

She had to bring back evidence of the inhumane acts going on in Superjail. Nothing would deter her from her mission; it was the only way she could get back to her normal life; a life without the government's influences or orders. Then she could continue with her life as a professional criminal psychologist.

The sounds of the helicopter's rotor flapping in her ears soothed her anxiety. Until this moment, she had refused to look out her small round window. Her fear of heights would only add to her stress level. Why did Superjail have to be so secluded? Then again, that question answered itself.

"Ms. Paige, please buckle your seatbelt, we're preparing to land."

Ah, here it was. Paige let her hands wander down to her lap as she began to fix her buckle. Her eyes remained on the window and she stared down at the ocean below. It was an endless blue depth that fascinated her while at the same time made her stomach turn. Her eyes were then drawn to a large island. In the center of the island stood a single volcano. So this was Superjail? This should be interesting.

XoXoX

The Warden enjoyed seeing a new face every now and then but this? This was different. A new inmate was one thing but having a government assigned official come into his jail? It was more than absurd; it was ridiculous, shameful and utterly terrible. No! He wasn't going to let some quack come into his establishment and try to take over. HE was The Warden after all! He deserved some respect!

The Warden spun around in his chair. The brightly colored walls whirled around him and threatened to make him ill. He continued past anything his stomach felt and twirled. It was the only thing that took his mind off this horrid situation!

Since when did having a criminal psychologist make any sense?! Giving the inmates a therapist? It was the silliest thing he'd ever heard!

A small brown smudge in the room distracted The Warden from his twirls. He cocked a brow and began to slow down his chair's pace. After slowing down in rate, The Warden could identify just what that annoying brown smudge was.

"Sir, your guest should be here at anytime!"

The Warden felt a flicker of anger ignite in his chest. Ugh, did Jared have to remind him? It was the very last thing he wanted to think about!

"Oh, Jared do you have to remind me?" The Warden groaned as his chair spinning came to a slow stop.

"But sir, this is very important!" Jared said in his usual worried tone. "We have to welcome this new staff member or else the she might report us to the government!"

"Government, pah." The Warden gathered his senses together after his short ride. "Those buffoons don't know what they're talking about!"

"We don't have much of a choice, sir." Jared released a small sigh.

"Our inmates don't need therapy." The Warden was quick to flick his gloved hand at his assistant. "All our inmates need is some tender-loving care! Having them talk about their feelings might give them ideas!"

Jared rolled his eyes. "And we can't have that."

"No we can't!" The Warden flew out of his seat. "This is Superjail! We're superior to all other jail systems!"

"I understand that but what are we going to do about her?" Jared shot a confused gaze in The Warden's direction.

"Hmmm," The Warden brought his index finger to his bottom lip. "Perhaps we can get her to leave on her own? Scare the little pest off?"

"Um," Beads of sweat began to build on Jared's forehead.

"Of course!" The Warden removed his hand from his chin and snapped his fingers. "That's it! We'll smoke the little bee out with some steam! Nothing you can't take care of, Jared."

"Sir," Jared's voice began to crack. "Is that legal?"

"This is Superjail!" The Warden threw both of his arms into the air. "Anything goes here!"

"Right…"

"That hag won't know what's waiting for her." A wicked smile began to spread across The Warden's face. He lifted his hands to his chin and interlaced his fingers. "She'll be out of my hair before I know it, right Jared?" The Warden's eyes dropped down to his small assistant.

"M-m-me?" Jared jabbed his index finger into his tiny chest. "Why me?"

"I'm sure you can figure it out." The Warden lifted his hand to his top hat and adjusted it to his liking. "I'm leaving this up to you."

Jared took in a deep breath before releasing a sigh. "I'll get right on that."

XoXoX

The helicopter door slid open, allowing the sun's rays to hit Paige's eyes. She squinted as her eyes began to adjust to the brightness of the sun. She unbuckled her seatbelt and stood from her seat.

And there she stood, right outside the doors of Superjail. The sudden impact of her situation had yet to hit her. She was alone. Paige turned her chin over her shoulder and looked back to the helicopter. She watched as one of the two pilots slid the door shut.

Paige took one last look at her reflection in the small helicopter window. Her dark brown hair was styled in a bob-but while a small Blue Tooth device stuck out of her left ear. She appeared to look as if she knew what she was doing; wearing a business jacket and skirt that hover just above her knees but did she really know what she was doing? Even if she didn't, she wasn't going to let anyone guess otherwise.

She turned her chin back over her shoulder and looked at the giant door that led into Superjail. The sound of the helicopter's rotor picked up in pace, this meant she would soon be on her own.

She needed a cigarette.

XoXoX

"So you're the new meat?"

Paige lifted a brow. She walked behind the only security guard in silence while her mind raced with questions. A single guard for this entire prison? That was a little odd, wasn't it? She had introduced herself as Alice and appeared strong enough. Then again, if she weren't then she'd most likely already be dead.

"Yes." Paige answered in a dull tone as she stepped through the jail halls behind Alice.

"Not much of a talker, are you?"

Paige felt her eyebrow arch. This wasn't the time for a spiffy reply, besides there was no point in conversing, she had a mission to do. It was best not to make any 'friends', after all her mission was to shut down Superjail, not enjoy it. So she remained silent.

Paige lifted her chin a bit higher as the two females entered the holding area. It was a massive area where small cells were placed back to back. The sounds seemed almost unbearable. Sounds of hoots, shouts and cries, what was this place? It was more as if it where a zoo rather than a prison. All the more evidence for her then, if only she had a way of proving it to the feds.

Then again, there was her trusty digital camera she had in her suitcase.

"You're a therapist?"

Paige flinched. Alice was speaking to her again. She lifted her head as she mentally replayed Alice's pervious statement.

"Criminal psychologist."

Alice let her should bob up and down a single time. "Whatever."

Well, this was going over well. Paige cleared her throat before bringing her index finger to her face. She pushed away a stray hair that moved in front of her eyes. She couldn't let on that she was sent in by the government, she had to remain calm. Any sudden movement could trigger something terrible. She had to be as normal as possible.

"You're going to be giving these guys advice or something?" Alice spoke again.

"I'm here to diagnose them and counsel them."

"Yeah, that's what I just said." Alice peeked over her right shoulder and looked back to Paige.

Paige felt her heart stop. Alice was looking back at her but she couldn't distinguish what Alice's emotion was behind her glasses. Was she glaring? The frown on her lips would say yes.

"The feds sent you in?"

"Yes." Paige answered with a quick, short answer. "Every prison facility has to have a criminal psychologist on hand."

"We didn't need one before," Alice turned her chin to face forward once again. "We don't need one now."

Was there a point in arguing? Paige felt the urge to groan or roll her eyes but she resisted. She had to be professional, at least for now.

Act End.